[It takes him by surprise, the impact with which it hits. The weight of it ain't realized until it's done fucking lifted, until the nerves light with the reveal of the injury beneath. He reads it once, then again, then a hundred more times, holding it close and wishing she were closer.]
my beloved, my matesprit, my heart's keeper,
NO, IT AIN'T. it was being part but not all. MERELY WAS
i thought
I'VE TOLD YOU OF ALETHEIA. she's different than you. BUT SHE'S ALTERNATE TOO. she's pyrope like you and the neophyte and latula. IT'S THESE MOTHERFUCKING PATTERNS. these things as like what gamzee and my other and my future and i all share and maybe you'd get sharing as they. DIDN'T UP AND REALISE. didn't get to see.
I'VE BEEN FUCKING UP SO BAD, TEREZI. i tried to be like you and get all to help. I TRIED TO BE LIKE OUR ALLIES DEAR WHAT ARE GOOD AND TRUE. you what showed me how. BUT I CAN'T HELP THEM. they ain't want to be helped. THEY WANT TO HURT, THEY WANT TO RILE, THEY WANT TO
she was set to die. SHE WAS SET TO LET HER HEART GO THE FUCK COLD AND SHE WAS SET TO UP AND DIE FOR SAKE OF WHATEVER THE FUCK CAME TO BE. i asked her, i sought that we avoid such a fate, at least try. I SOUGHT TO WORK BY SIDE OF HER. but she's already made up her mind. AND I CAN'T DO NOTHING TO CHANGE HERS. i can't do nothing to change anybody's. I CAN'T DO FUCK ALL BUT LET THEM GO. let them destroy themselves.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW NO MORE. it's killing me. SHE'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR AND THERE AIN'T NOTHING I CAN DO. they're going at to tear each other apart. I PUT TOO DAMN MUCH OF MYSELF IN. i've already come to close to culling someone. NO ONE'S UP AND GETTING THAT I CAN'T FIGHT THIS THING WHAT'S ME UP ALONE. no one fucking understands as what daymares tear at their pans tear up at mine. I CAN'T HANG ON NO MORE BUT I CAN'T LET GO NEITHER. i keep trying to find a way as not to lose myself. I'D UP AND TAKE LOSING IF IT MEANT I COULD BE SURE NO ONE WAS HURT.
i'm so sorry. I KEEP TRYING TO BE LIKE YOU WANT. i keep at what everyone's wanting of me. BUT I CAN'T. i can't do it. I DIDN'T WANT YOU KNOWING AS FOR HOW MUCH I'D LET YOU DOWN. i didn't want finding out you'd be the same and then
WE HAD A MEETING. i'd given on up. I'D BEEN TRYING AT TO BE MAKING BY MY OWN. but shit got suggested as to be trying to search. I FIGURED IF I CAN'T HELP, AT LEAST I CAN BE TRAINING. i can fight. I CAN COMMAND. i can stop thinking about what's to be making the haps of the rest. I'M INTENDING TO. but i had to find out from you what you got thought by. I CAN'T LOSE YOU. i can't lose you. I WISH I AIN'T WASN'T LIKE THIS BUT I AM. i can't lose you.
I HAD TO MAKE LEAVE OF HER. there wasn't no choice. THERE WAS HER AND THERE WAS JEREMY LOOKING TO DIE AND BUCKY. there was these new motherfuckers as refused helping and old ones what made want more to hurt. LYDIAN WAS GONE AND MEULIN AND DISCIPLE FOR THAT WHILE. there was making all for murders made the fuck pretend. MOTHERFUCKING PRETENDING WAS A MURDER MADE TO BE AND ALL AND EVERY GOT TO RILE AND ALL OUR PEACE WAS MAKING ENDS. then such things was made true. COULDN'T EVEN HELP ZEPHYR. couldn't even help fighting. IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN MUCH. and i ain't okay. BUT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO TAKE THE FUCK CARE OF THIS NONE AGAIN.
there was option made open by this meeting. I COULD TELL YOU THEN. i can tell now. I GOT A DIRECTION. that's what i need.
no subject
my beloved, my matesprit, my heart's keeper,
NO, IT AIN'T. it was being part but not all.
MERELY WAS
i thought
I'VE TOLD YOU OF ALETHEIA. she's different than you. BUT SHE'S ALTERNATE TOO. she's pyrope like you and the neophyte and latula. IT'S THESE MOTHERFUCKING PATTERNS. these things as like what gamzee and my other and my future and i all share and maybe you'd get sharing as they. DIDN'T UP AND REALISE. didn't get to see.
I'VE BEEN FUCKING UP SO BAD, TEREZI. i tried to be like you and get all to help. I TRIED TO BE LIKE OUR ALLIES DEAR WHAT ARE GOOD AND TRUE. you what showed me how. BUT I CAN'T HELP THEM. they ain't want to be helped. THEY WANT TO HURT, THEY WANT TO RILE, THEY WANT TO
she was set to die. SHE WAS SET TO LET HER HEART GO THE FUCK COLD AND SHE WAS SET TO UP AND DIE FOR SAKE OF WHATEVER THE FUCK CAME TO BE. i asked her, i sought that we avoid such a fate, at least try. I SOUGHT TO WORK BY SIDE OF HER. but she's already made up her mind. AND I CAN'T DO NOTHING TO CHANGE HERS. i can't do nothing to change anybody's. I CAN'T DO FUCK ALL BUT LET THEM GO. let them destroy themselves.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW NO MORE. it's killing me. SHE'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR AND THERE AIN'T NOTHING I CAN DO. they're going at to tear each other apart. I PUT TOO DAMN MUCH OF MYSELF IN. i've already come to close to culling someone. NO ONE'S UP AND GETTING THAT I CAN'T FIGHT THIS THING WHAT'S ME UP ALONE. no one fucking understands as what daymares tear at their pans tear up at mine. I CAN'T HANG ON NO MORE BUT I CAN'T LET GO NEITHER. i keep trying to find a way as not to lose myself. I'D UP AND TAKE LOSING IF IT MEANT I COULD BE SURE NO ONE WAS HURT.
i'm so sorry. I KEEP TRYING TO BE LIKE YOU WANT. i keep at what everyone's wanting of me. BUT I CAN'T. i can't do it. I DIDN'T WANT YOU KNOWING AS FOR HOW MUCH I'D LET YOU DOWN. i didn't want finding out you'd be the same and then
WE HAD A MEETING. i'd given on up. I'D BEEN TRYING AT TO BE MAKING BY MY OWN. but shit got suggested as to be trying to search. I FIGURED IF I CAN'T HELP, AT LEAST I CAN BE TRAINING. i can fight. I CAN COMMAND. i can stop thinking about what's to be making the haps of the rest. I'M INTENDING TO. but i had to find out from you what you got thought by. I CAN'T LOSE YOU. i can't lose you. I WISH I AIN'T WASN'T LIKE THIS BUT I AM. i can't lose you.
I HAD TO MAKE LEAVE OF HER. there wasn't no choice. THERE WAS HER AND THERE WAS JEREMY LOOKING TO DIE AND BUCKY. there was these new motherfuckers as refused helping and old ones what made want more to hurt. LYDIAN WAS GONE AND MEULIN AND DISCIPLE FOR THAT WHILE. there was making all for murders made the fuck pretend. MOTHERFUCKING PRETENDING WAS A MURDER MADE TO BE AND ALL AND EVERY GOT TO RILE AND ALL OUR PEACE WAS MAKING ENDS. then such things was made true. COULDN'T EVEN HELP ZEPHYR. couldn't even help fighting. IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN MUCH. and i ain't okay. BUT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO TAKE THE FUCK CARE OF THIS NONE AGAIN.
there was option made open by this meeting. I COULD TELL YOU THEN. i can tell now. I GOT A DIRECTION. that's what i need.
I'M SORRY. i pity you.
-KURLOZ ♑︎