I've been thinking about writing his letter for a while. I've been thinking about the stuff in it for even longer than I knew I could write to you. It's been a year and a half since I arrived here at least a year of it has been spent thinking about this. I could probably go on and on but I don't want you to get all worried. Do you remember when Mituna changed his title in Panem. I've thought about it a lot since then, why he did it, why he wanted to have something new. What it meant to him most of all. Xanthous is a little ridiculous but I know it fit him more. It's not tied down in the baggage of the past. Or at least that's why I think he changed it. Our relationship is still in the casual teasing and occasional awkwardness sort of place. It's not really in the talk about your deep emotions place. It just makes me think. I'm not sure about my title anymore. I haven't been for some time. The Disciple feels a little like a title that belongs to a different troll, you know? It was a version of myself who was defined by my connection to Signless, by my beliefs and how they influenced my life.
i haven't seen him in half a sweep. And that doesn't, shouldn't matter, you know? I miss him, I miss our relationship. I just
I think sometimes, about what you used to say and imply. That I was more than my connections. That I was more than what my title said about me. You always used to use my hatchname so I suspect you might be a little biased about this topic. I don't think you really liked my title to begin with <> We shall have to continue to disagree on deserving him and what I deserve in my quadrants (besides you) but that's beside the point.
The Dolorosa was here for some time. I met the newer Psiionic from Panem in the swamp I was in. It didn't feel like coming home. Well, it did a little and in other way it felt a little like betraying Xanthous but that's not what I'm talking about today! It felt strange. Like I wasn't the person they were really looking for. The Dolorosa disappeared. I never spoke to or have heard from the Psiionic again. I can't ask them how they would feel about my title, if they thought I was enough like their memories, if they liked the ways I'd changed.
This is getting off topic. Or maybe it's not. I'm not really sure how to write this out when I'm so torn on the subject myself.
My title doesn't feel like me. It feels like someone else, a version of myself who was brave and faithful but spent a lot of time sad, angry at herself and blaming herself for the things that went wrong. No that doesn't feel fair of me. There was a time when it was a title I wore with pride. It distinguished me, it spoke of my love and my pity, my place in the rebellion and most of all, of my faith in our message. Not faith like the clowns. Faith in people, in peace, in caring for other trolls and being cared for in return. But it got all mixed up over the last few sweeps. It got all turned around, when it had been a badge, an outward sign of who I was, it became all I was. I think. Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe it's still a badge of honor.
But I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know if I want to change it. I know that's a thing I can do. I'm fairly sure no one here right now would blame me or call me awful for doing so. But I can't help but wonder what I would do if Signless or the Dolorosa came? If the Psiionic I met returned. If another showed up. What would I say? It feels awful to contemplate, to think about ruining their memory of me, to ruin the memory of the rebellion. I do remember it. It's vivid, there to show all the things I loved about it, about them. The title means so much to me and it honors all their memories. It keeps them all in my memory when they're not here.
But sometimes I wonder if that really matters. If keeping my title for them is what they'd want. If they'd mind so much if they got here and I went by something else. I wonder if they'd understand. I remember how you said you'd never know about Gamzee, how he felt, what he really meant, and I understand. The chances that I'll know what they want, how they feel, is so small. I can keep hoping they'll come but do I stop trying to make the way I present myself fit who I am because of them? Or am I looking at it the wrong way. The bulletin board exploded a bit last month and I've had a lot of time to think about it. Who we are and who we want to be. Liking who we are, being who we want to be and learning to be that.
Is a title an integral part of me that should change with me? I'm not getting purrmoted, I'm not changing jobs or becoming someone unrecognizable to my last title. It just doesn't seem to fit. Like some costume from the Capitol, it's doesn't change who I am but it changes how I'm seen? Or not. I keep running this in circles around my head. I keep justifying one way or another and it makes me awful just to contemplate it. I want to go back and strike out a bunch of things but I'll try to keep this mostly intact. Telling you the truth, telling you how I feel without trying to censor it, that's what makes this work right? You aren't here to notice me droop in a conversation or watch what I say on the board or anything. I have to be honest.
Maybe the problem really is that I don't know who I am anymore. If I'm not defined by the same things I once was, what does that make me?
I'm sending this with a pineapple which I'm sure you've realized already. Please don't eat any of the spiky bits.
Oh! I asked Zephyr about visiting the answer was a solid 'maybe???' but if we can't, at least I tried. I asked them to update me if something happened. <>
1 US3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3 B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3. 4ND B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOU. <><><> BUT YOU M1GHT B3 R1GHT. 1 N3V3R R34LLY C4R3D FOR YOUR T1TL3 MUCH. 1 W4RM3D UP TO S1GNL3SS 4 L1TTL3, 4FT3R... Y34H. W3 W3R3 4SHM4T3S. BUT H3'S ST1LL 4N 1D1OT 4ND 1 4M FULLY 4LLOW3D TO S4Y TH4T NOW.
1 4M 4LSO FULLY 4LLOW3D TO TH1NK TH4T YOU D3S3ERV3 B3TT3R. BUT 1 4M GO1NG TO TH1NK TH4T R3G4RDL3SS OF WHO YOU L1K3. >:]
1 4M NOT R34LLY SUR3 1F 1 C4N 4DV1S3 ON N3W T1TL3S. 1 ST1LL DONT H4V3 ON3 MYS3LF. BUT 1 TH1NK 1 UND3RST4ND NOT F33L1NG L1K3... TH3 P3RSON YOU W3R3 B3FOR3? B3FOR3 P4N3M H4PP3N3D. W3 W3NT THROUGH 4 LOT OF TH1NGS TH3R3. 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 POSS1BL3 TO ST1LL B3 TH3 S4M3 P3OPL3 NOW.
TH4T B31NG S41D, 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T T4K1NG 4 N3W T1TL3 WOULD B3 4N 1NSULT TO TH3M. YOUR3 NOT B31NG PROMOT3D PURRMOT3D BUT YOU SHOULDNT L1V3 1N TH3 P4ST 31TH3R. 1 DONT TH1NK TH3Y WOULD W4NT YOU TO HOLD OUT FOR TH3M FOR3V3R. L1K3 WH4T YOU S41D B3FOR3 4BOUT B31NG 4 GOOD M3MORY 1NST34D OF 4 SC4R. TH3Y WOULDNT W4NT TO B3 4 SC4R ON YOU 31TH3R, WOULD TH3Y?
1 HOP3 TH4T M4K3S S3NS3. YOU PROB4BLY KNOW MOR3 4BOUT TH1S TH4N 1 DO, BUT 1 4M ST1LL H3R3 TO T3LL YOU TH4T WH4T3V3R YOU W4NT TO DO SOUNDS GOOD TO M3. 4S LONG 4S 1T M4K3S YOU H4PPY. <>
1F YOUR3 ST1LL WORR13D 4BOUT 1T, TH3N M4YB3 YOU CAN F1ND 4 T1TL3 TH4T ST1LL HONORS TH3M 1N SOM3 W4Y? BUT 1 DONT TH1NK 1T 1S STR1CTLY N3C3SS4RY. 1 C4NT SP34K FOR TH3M, BUT 1F 1 COULD, 1 WOULD T3LL YOU TH4T TH3Y SHOULD 4LR34DY B3 PROUD OF YOU. 1 KNOW 1 4M. <><><>
TH4TS 4LL TH3 S4P YOU G3T FROM M3 FOR NOW. M4K3 SUR3 TO L3T M3 KNOW HOW 1T WORKS OUT. 1 N33D TO B3 UPD4T3D ON WH4T N4M3 TO PUT 1NS1D3 TH3 D14MONDS 1 DR4W. >:]
<> T3R3Z1
[At the end of the page, a large diamond has been drawn with "Terezi" and "Meulin" scribbled inside of it.]
<> Such sap Remind me to send you some of the stuff from my trees when the snow ends If it ends at the same time
I think I want to do it. Change it. And I think I have some ideas for how to honor them anyways. Or at least honor what we did. It makes sense to me at least. And that's what matters, right?
I wanted to ask if you had any suggestions? I want to at least know if you have any thoughts. I'm getting stuck on things. And I know some are taking three names. And some people two and then some just take the title. Like Xanthous.
Having three seems off to me when I've gone by one so long. But it seems like it might be right? It's complicated. I'm not even on Alternia anymore why must life continue to be complicated.
Also I'm cutting out the diamond and putting in on my wall <> So I have proof.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-07-16 03:11 am (UTC)i haven't seen him in half a sweep. And that doesn't, shouldn't matter, you know? I miss him, I miss our relationship. I justI think sometimes, about what you used to say and imply. That I was more than my connections. That I was more than what my title said about me. You always used to use my hatchname so I suspect you might be a little biased about this topic. I don't think you really liked my title to begin with <> We shall have to continue to disagree on deserving him and what I deserve in my quadrants (besides you) but that's beside the point.
The Dolorosa was here for some time. I met the newer Psiionic from Panem in the swamp I was in. It didn't feel like coming home. Well, it did a little and in other way it felt a little like betraying Xanthous but that's not what I'm talking about today! It felt strange. Like I wasn't the person they were really looking for. The Dolorosa disappeared. I never spoke to or have heard from the Psiionic again. I can't ask them how they would feel about my title, if they thought I was enough like their memories, if they liked the ways I'd changed.
This is getting off topic. Or maybe it's not. I'm not really sure how to write this out when I'm so torn on the subject myself.
My title doesn't feel like me. It feels like someone else, a version of myself who was brave and faithful but spent a lot of time sad, angry at herself and blaming herself for the things that went wrong. No that doesn't feel fair of me. There was a time when it was a title I wore with pride. It distinguished me, it spoke of my love and my pity, my place in the rebellion and most of all, of my faith in our message. Not faith like the clowns. Faith in people, in peace, in caring for other trolls and being cared for in return. But it got all mixed up over the last few sweeps. It got all turned around, when it had been a badge, an outward sign of who I was, it became all I was. I think. Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe it's still a badge of honor.
But I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know if I want to change it. I know that's a thing I can do. I'm fairly sure no one here right now would blame me or call me awful for doing so. But I can't help but wonder what I would do if Signless or the Dolorosa came? If the Psiionic I met returned. If another showed up. What would I say? It feels awful to contemplate, to think about ruining their memory of me, to ruin the memory of the rebellion. I do remember it. It's vivid, there to show all the things I loved about it, about them. The title means so much to me and it honors all their memories. It keeps them all in my memory when they're not here.
But sometimes I wonder if that really matters. If keeping my title for them is what they'd want. If they'd mind so much if they got here and I went by something else. I wonder if they'd understand. I remember how you said you'd never know about Gamzee, how he felt, what he really meant, and I understand. The chances that I'll know what they want, how they feel, is so small. I can keep hoping they'll come but do I stop trying to make the way I present myself fit who I am because of them? Or am I looking at it the wrong way. The bulletin board exploded a bit last month and I've had a lot of time to think about it. Who we are and who we want to be. Liking who we are, being who we want to be and learning to be that.
Is a title an integral part of me that should change with me? I'm not getting purrmoted, I'm not changing jobs or becoming someone unrecognizable to my last title. It just doesn't seem to fit. Like some costume from the Capitol, it's doesn't change who I am but it changes how I'm seen? Or not. I keep running this in circles around my head. I keep justifying one way or another and it makes me awful just to contemplate it. I want to go back and strike out a bunch of things but I'll try to keep this mostly intact. Telling you the truth, telling you how I feel without trying to censor it, that's what makes this work right? You aren't here to notice me droop in a conversation or watch what I say on the board or anything. I have to be honest.
Maybe the problem really is that I don't know who I am anymore. If I'm not defined by the same things I once was, what does that make me?
I'm sending this with a pineapple which I'm sure you've realized already. Please don't eat any of the spiky bits.
Oh! I asked Zephyr about visiting the answer was a solid 'maybe???' but if we can't, at least I tried. I asked them to update me if something happened. <>
<><><>
Meulin
no subject
Date: 2017-01-11 04:48 am (UTC)1 US3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3 B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3. 4ND B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOU. <><><> BUT YOU M1GHT B3 R1GHT. 1 N3V3R R34LLY C4R3D FOR YOUR T1TL3 MUCH. 1 W4RM3D UP TO S1GNL3SS 4 L1TTL3, 4FT3R... Y34H. W3 W3R3 4SHM4T3S. BUT H3'S ST1LL 4N 1D1OT 4ND 1 4M FULLY 4LLOW3D TO S4Y TH4T NOW.
1 4M 4LSO FULLY 4LLOW3D TO TH1NK TH4T YOU D3S3ERV3 B3TT3R. BUT 1 4M GO1NG TO TH1NK TH4T R3G4RDL3SS OF WHO YOU L1K3. >:]
1 4M NOT R34LLY SUR3 1F 1 C4N 4DV1S3 ON N3W T1TL3S. 1 ST1LL DONT H4V3 ON3 MYS3LF. BUT 1 TH1NK 1 UND3RST4ND NOT F33L1NG L1K3... TH3 P3RSON YOU W3R3 B3FOR3? B3FOR3 P4N3M H4PP3N3D. W3 W3NT THROUGH 4 LOT OF TH1NGS TH3R3. 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 POSS1BL3 TO ST1LL B3 TH3 S4M3 P3OPL3 NOW.
TH4T B31NG S41D, 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T T4K1NG 4 N3W T1TL3 WOULD B3 4N 1NSULT TO TH3M. YOUR3 NOT B31NG
PROMOT3DPURRMOT3D BUT YOU SHOULDNT L1V3 1N TH3 P4ST 31TH3R. 1 DONT TH1NK TH3Y WOULD W4NT YOU TO HOLD OUT FOR TH3M FOR3V3R. L1K3 WH4T YOU S41D B3FOR3 4BOUT B31NG 4 GOOD M3MORY 1NST34D OF 4 SC4R. TH3Y WOULDNT W4NT TO B3 4 SC4R ON YOU 31TH3R, WOULD TH3Y?1 HOP3 TH4T M4K3S S3NS3. YOU PROB4BLY KNOW MOR3 4BOUT TH1S TH4N 1 DO, BUT 1 4M ST1LL H3R3 TO T3LL YOU TH4T WH4T3V3R YOU W4NT TO DO SOUNDS GOOD TO M3. 4S LONG 4S 1T M4K3S YOU H4PPY. <>
1F YOUR3 ST1LL WORR13D 4BOUT 1T, TH3N M4YB3 YOU CAN F1ND 4 T1TL3 TH4T ST1LL HONORS TH3M 1N SOM3 W4Y? BUT 1 DONT TH1NK 1T 1S STR1CTLY N3C3SS4RY. 1 C4NT SP34K FOR TH3M, BUT 1F 1 COULD, 1 WOULD T3LL YOU TH4T TH3Y SHOULD 4LR34DY B3 PROUD OF YOU. 1 KNOW 1 4M. <><><>
TH4TS 4LL TH3 S4P YOU G3T FROM M3 FOR NOW. M4K3 SUR3 TO L3T M3 KNOW HOW 1T WORKS OUT. 1 N33D TO B3 UPD4T3D ON WH4T N4M3 TO PUT 1NS1D3 TH3 D14MONDS 1 DR4W. >:]
<> T3R3Z1
[At the end of the page, a large diamond has been drawn with "Terezi" and "Meulin" scribbled inside of it.]
no subject
Date: 2017-01-23 09:47 am (UTC)Remind me to send you some of the stuff from my trees when the snow ends
If it ends at the same time
I think I want to do it. Change it.
And I think I have some ideas for how to honor them anyways. Or at least honor what we did.
It makes sense to me at least.
And that's what matters, right?
I wanted to ask if you had any suggestions?
I want to at least know if you have any thoughts.
I'm getting stuck on things.
And I know some are taking three names.
And some people two and then some just take the title.
Like Xanthous.
Having three seems off to me when I've gone by one so long. But it seems like it might be right?
It's complicated.
I'm not even on Alternia anymore why must life continue to be complicated.
Also I'm cutting out the diamond and putting in on my wall <> So I have proof.
<><><> Meulin