It's spring here, or at least that what humans call it. Which really means the snow is gone and you're tripping over flowers. My hive is covered with them.
Things have been slow but they seem to be getting busier? Kurloz started a market. And a confessional. And he's still teaching me and a few others how to sign. I think it'd be good for talking to Zefur eventually. When they learn. They chirp but don't really speak. They're also getting taller which is unacceptable. Growing up from tough situations is a mental things but appurrently gods translate things a little more literally.
I've been trying out various things to get some paint again but I've not found as much as I'd like. I have bundles of flowers drying now to see if I can grind them up into powder. Not that my house needs more painting but I like it. There's at least three of us who do artistic things.
Kurloz is...a little diffurent now but maybe you should talk to him about that? Zephyr did a thing with frogs and they had a weird effect. It's not bad, I purromise, just different. It's something I think you should probably talk about. Imagine I kissed your forehead there. Though I suspect you are also getting taller now without me. I am doomed to be surrounded by tall people. We have to talk your matesprit into staying a reasonable height.
The thing with the frogs though? It made me remember a lot of things. Not things I'd forgotten really, just, made them all more vivid. I miss everyone. I miss Signless most of all. I just really wish I had one of my quadrants. No one really appeals in another quadrant here. It's a little lonely that way. We don't have many trolls and those we do are quadranted or just not for me. It's frustrating sometimes.I guess a human could do for red in a pinch, but, once again, all quadranted. Appurently another version of me was here before and red with a human version of Signless? But we both left. There's also another version of myself some of the others knew before they came to the Meadous. She has a different hatchname, not Meulin at all. I don't remember it off the top of my head but it's weird. A little unsettling to know I'm in so many places. I'd rather it just be me. I got off topic. I just miss Signless really. It's not like I need a new quadrant when I really just miss the ones not here. At least I know you're within writing distance, even if we can't meet right now.
I'm sure you understand that. It's annoying to know you're physically so close but the walls have to stay up and so we can't get to you. I'm not sure why the walls have to stay up but...I don't think Zephyr would do it for no reason. They treat us better than that.
I hope you're okay. I hope everything is okay. Tell me how you are. Tell me how things go with that learning to face your fears little god. Don't eat the flowers.
1 M1SS YOU TOO! 1T 1S SO GOOD TO H34R FROM YOU <> <> <>
1 4M SORRY TH4T YOUR3 SO LON3LY. 1 M1SS YOU TOO. WHOS3 H41R 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO BR41D 1F YOU 4R3 SO F4R 4W4Y? 4ND 1 GU3SS 1 C4NT DO TH4T P1L1NG TH1NG 31TH3R..... BUT S3R1OUSLY 1 UND3RST4ND. 1F TH3S3 W4LLS W3R3 DOWN YOU WOULDNT B3 4BL3 TO G3T R1D OF M3. 1 WOULD G1V3 YOU 4 W33K B3FOR3 YOU W3R3 SO S1CK OF M3 B31NG 4ROUND. <>
1T SUCKS BUT W3 H4V3 TO M4K3 TH3 B3ST OF WH4T W3 H4V3. YOU W1LL F1ND SOM3ON3 3LS3. 1T S33MS L1K3 TH3R3 4R3 4 LOT OF WORLDS OUT TH3R3 L1K3 TH3S3 ON3S. TH3R3 1S NO T3LL1NG WHO OR WH4T W3 M1GHT F1ND OUT TH3R3. BUT NO M4TT3R WH4T 1 W1LL B3 H3R3 FOR YOU. 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO LOS3 YOU 4G41N. 1M4G1N3 TH4T 1 SQU33Z3D YOUR H4ND TH3R3. 1M4G1N3 4LSO TH4T 1 THOUGHT 4BOUT S4Y1NG SOM3TH1NG R34LLY CORNY TH3R3. BUT TH1S 1S NOT 4 ROMCOM 4ND 1 D3C1D3D NOT TO S4Y 1T B3C4US3 TH3N YOU WOULD L4UGH 4T HOW DR4M4T1C 1 W4S B31NG.
TH1NGS H4V3 B33N MUCH TH3 S4M3 H3R3 TOO. 1 4M ST4RT1NG TO L1K3 OUR GODL1NG MOR3. BUT 1 W1SH TH3Y WOULD STOP 4PP34R1NG 4S TH1NGS TH4T 1 DO NOT L1K3 SOM3T1M3S. TH3Y S33M TO H4V3 4 TH1NG FOR SHOW1NG UP 4S TH1NGS TH4T W3 4R3 4FR41D OF. WH1CH G1V3S TH3 R34CT1ON TH4T YOU WOULD 3XP3CT FROM M33T1NG 4 TH1NG TH4T YOU 4R3 4FR41D OF.
SP34K1NG OF TH1NGS TH4T SC4RD M3... 1 D1DNT M3NT1ON B3FOR3 BUT 1 R4N 1NTO G4MZ33 1N TH3 M34DOUS. OUT OF 4LL TH3 TH1NGS TH4T 1 H4V3 S33N 1N TH4T FOR3ST H1S F4C3 SHOWS UP TH3 MOST. 1 C4NT S33M TO G3T 4 HOLD OF TH4T P4RT1CUL4R F34R. 1T F33LS SO WR4PP3D UP 1N SO M4NY OTH3R TH1NGS. H3 D1D 4 LOT OF 4WFUL TH1NGS 1N MY T1M3. 1NCLUD1NG MURD3R1NG 4T L34ST TWO OF MY FR13NDS. BUT H3 DO3SNT S33M TO R3M3MB3R TH4T. 1 COULDNT T3LL 1F H3 W4S F4K1NG 1T OR NOT. 1 DONT L1K3 F33L1NG SO OFF B4L4NC3 W1TH SOM3ON3.
1 N3V3R KNOW HOW 1 4M SUPPOS3D TO F33L W1TH H1M. DO 1 H4T3 H1M? DO 1 *H4T3* H4T3 H1M? 4M 1 SC4R3D OF H1M? 1 KNOW TH3 L4ST ON3 MUST B3 TRU3 OR H3 WOULDNT SHOW UP SO OFT3N FOR M3. BUT 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 4FR41D OF H1M FOR3V3R. 1 4M JUST NOT SUR3 Y3T WH4T 1 W4NT TO R3PL4C3 TH4T W1TH.
SP34K1NG OF H4T3 H4T1NG... 1 4LSO D1D NOT M3NT1ON TH1S B3FOR3 BUT TH3R3 1S 4 TROLL WHO DO3S NOT S33M TO UND3RST4ND NO H3R3. 1 4M PR3TTY SUR3 H3 H4S H1T ON 3V3RY L1V1NG CR34TUR3 1N TH3 CIRCUS 4ND M4YB3 4LSO SOM3 NONL1V1NG ON3S. 1N V4R1OUS QU4DR4NTS. 1T 1S 4LMOST P1T14BL3 3XC3PT TH3 THOUGHT OF TH4T M4K3S M3 THROW UP 1N MY MOUTH 4 L1TTL3. H3 TR13D TO M4K3 4 P4SS 4T M3 TOO. 1 PUNCH3D H1M SQU4R3 1N TH3 MOUTH BUT 1 TH1NK TH4T ONLY 3NCOUR4G3D H1M. SO F4R 1 H4V3 K3PT H1M 4T B4Y BY 1NFORM1NG H1M TH4T 1 4M D4T1NG TH3 GR4ND H1GHBLOOD. TH4T N4M3 S33M3D TO SC4R3 H1M OFF BUT W3 W1LL S33 HOW LONG TH4T L4STS. 1 M1GHT N33D TO T4K3 MOR3 DR4ST1C M34SUR3S TO 3NSUR3 TH4T H3 K33PS H1S H4NDS TO H1MS3LF. 3V3N 1F 1 H4V3 TO R3TURN TH3M TO H1M 1N 4 J4R. >:]
1 SHOULD PROB4BLY WR4P TH1S UP S1NC3 1T 1S G3TT1NG LONG. TH4NK YOU FOR TH3 H34DS UP 4BOUT KURLOZ! 1 W1LL H4V3 TO P3ST3R H1M 4BOUT TH3S3 MYST3R1OUS CH4NG3S... 4ND M4YB3 4LSO NOT GROW1NG SO MUCH. 1 DO NOT TH1NK 1 4M 1N D4NG3R OF OV3RSH4DOW1NG YOU Y3T. NO WORR13S. >;P
T4K3 C4R3. K33P M3 UPD4T3D ON 4NY CH4NG3S!!! 1 4M R34LLY GL4D W3 G3T TO S3ND TH3S3 L3TT3RS NOW. 1 W4NT3D TO S3ND YOU SOM3 COTTON C4NDY BUT 1T W4S R34LLY ST1CKY 4ND TH4T S33M3D L1K3 4 B4D 1D34. 1V3 S3NT YOU P1N3 CON3S FROM TH3 FOR3ST 1NST34D. YOU PROB4BLY H4V3 SOM3 TOO BUT TH3S3 4R3 B3TT3R B3C4US3 TH3Y 4R3 FROM M3. N3XT T1M3 1 W1LL S3ND YOU SOM3TH1NG 3V3R B3TT3R 1 PROM1S3.
<> T3R3Z1
PS YOU SHOULD H4V3 W4RN3D M3 NOT TO 34T TH3 FLOW3RS 4 L1TTL3 SOON3R >:] 1 M4Y H4V3 4LR34DY ST4RT3D L1CK1NG TH3M!
Don't eat the flowers! Or the rock. Or the leaf. Let's just cover all the things.
It'd be impawsible to get tired of you so quick! I'd be sharing you with Kurloz and I'm pawsitive you would want some time to yourself with him. >;33 If only so you spare me a front row seat to your kisses and smooches. Or I shall smother you in forehead kisses in front of him and embarrass you horribly.
Oh dramatic and corny?
I won't lost you again either. We weren't really meant to meet but we still did and we found each other again. We have this second chance and I'm definitely not letting it slip past.<>
Was that dramatic and corny? Purrobably! I am not sorry in the least. SOMEONE has to say the corny ridiculous things in this moiraillegance. I will gladly take this responsibility. Besides, I've said far more dramatic things. And no I shall not repeat them. I was in a dream at the time and cannot be held responsible.
Anyways! The impurrtant stuff!
Do you think he'd lie about not remembering it? Is it possible he's from a time before it? They took Signless before my time and Xanthous so far after. Kurloz is before all our times. So there's that to consider. Not that it changes what he did and how you feel about it.
It's hard for me to say what to do about it. Kurloz and I sort of muddled around it and I had to make a first step to get us here. He hurt me so deeply in my past and his future. But I don't think you should be scared of someone you hate romantically. Maybe after you work that out? Are you able to talk to him? Does he live in a god's world? This would be so much easier if we could pile and talk about it. Imagine a ridiculous sigh there.
I suppose the most important question is why does he scare you? That he hurt people you couldn't save? His powers? The lack of control you have over what happened and the lack of answers you have for it? I can't tell you how to feel about it Terezi. You're allowed to hate someone for killing those you care about. It's a natural reaction. Just try not to hurt him over it? Or get yourself hurt over it.
In lighter thoughts, oh no, I hate those kinds of trolls. I hate them the most of anything. Does public shaming work? I'm going to assume it does not. Ugh. And I'm sure he'd just take it the wrong way. 'She humilated me because she hates me'. Just try to keep maiming to a mininmum. <>
Changes! I almost furgot! We had more changes! Things change so much here so quickly. Zephyr asked us to make constellations in teh sky and I made a purrbeast. Don't you dare laugh. Don't do it. Kurloz won the contest though, with a feather and a lovely story. Xanthous put 'FUCK' in the sky. In Alternian. He hasn't claimed responsibility for it but there's five of us and Waspfire clearly did the wasp one. I don't know who he thinks he's fooling.
We also got some mountains and a jungle. Xanthous is a cheating cheater with psionics though. Of course he beat me to the top of the mountains! I walked! Anyways. I got a few trees to make some of the candy I got in District 7 but they won't give me sap until next cold season so I included a leaf, a rock from the mountain and some pretty jungle flowers. I was going to send a weird fruit the humans call a pineapple but I'm not honestly sure how to send things like that. I can just fold the letter all weird around this right now but not sure if I can sent big things.
I'll have to ask Zephyr. You'd love it purrobably. I put the pine cones on the little spot above my fire. Oh wait let me add something up there. There, now you can't say I didn't warn you this time.
SHHH SHHHHHHHH. W3 4R3 NOT T4LK1NG 4BOUT HOW MUCH SMOOCH1NG M4Y OR M4Y NOT B3 GO1NG ON. NOR 4R3 W3 GO1NG TO T4LK 4BOUT TRY1NG TO 3MB4R4SS M3 1N FRONT OF H1M!!! YOU TWO 4R3 NOT 4LLOW3D TO T34M UP 4ND CONSP1R3 4G41NST M3 L1K3 TH4T. 1T 1S S1MPLY UNF41R 4ND UN4LLOW3D. 1 4M V3TO1NG TH1S 1D34 B3FOR3 1T 3V3N ST4RTS >:O
1 DONT TH1NK YOU N33D S4P FROM YOUR W1SH TR33S. YOU 4R3 4LR34DY PROV1D1NG MOR3 TH4N 3NOUGH >:P BUT YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO T3LL M3 4BOUT TH3S3 DR4M4T1C TH1NGS. 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO STOP P3ST3R1NG YOU UNT1L YOU DO. SO YOU M1GHT 4S W3LL G3T 1T OV3R W1TH. <><><><>
R3G4RD1NG G4MZ33... 1 DONT KNOW WH4T 1 W4NT. M4YB3 H3 1S NOT LY1NG BUT 1T ST1LL H4PP3N3D. 1 C4NT PR3T3ND L1K3 1T D1DNT JUST B3C4US3 H3 H4SNT L1V3D THROUGH 1T. MY FR13NDS W3R3 HURT B3C4US3 OF H1M 4ND 1 SHOULD H4V3 STOPP3D 1T 4 LOT SOON3R.
1 THOUGHT H3 W4S 4 FR13ND. BUT H3 TR1CK3D M3. 1 W4S SO THOROUGHLY FOOL3D BY H1M TH4T 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW HOW 1T H4PP3N3D OR WH3R3 1T B3G4N. BUT 1T COMPL3T3LY UNR4V3LL3D MY CONF1D3NC3. 1T W4S L1K3 H3 KN3W 4LL TH3 R1GHT PL4C3S TO H1T 4ND 4LL TH3 R1GHT TH1NGS TO S4Y TO DR1V3 M3 TO MY LOW3ST PO1NT. 4ND TH4T SC4R3S M3 PR3TTY B4D.
1 DONT W4NT TO HURT H1M. 1 DONT R34LLY W4NT TO H4T3 H1M 31TH3R. H3 W4S MY FR13ND FOR 4 LONG T1M3. 1 JUST W4NT 4 R34SON. 1 W4NT TO KNOW WHY TH4T H4PP3N3D 4ND HOW TO K33P 1T FROM H4PP3N1NG 4G41N. BUT H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT R3M3MB3R. 1 JUST DONT KNOW 1F 1 C4N TRUST H1M. 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW 1F 1 C4N TRUST MYS3LF. MAYB3 H1S NOT R3M3MB3R1NG 1S 4N 4CT TOO 4ND H3 JUST W4NTS M3 TO CONV1NC3 MYS3LF TO TRUST H1M 4G41N???
HOW D1D YOU G3T P4ST YOUR 1SSU3S W1TH KURLOZ? HOW D1D YOU F1GUR3 OUT HOW TO TRUST H1M 4G41N? HOW D1D YOU KNOW 1T W4S OK4Y TO DO TH4T 4T 4LL? KURLOZ S33MS TO BUT... 1 C4N B4R3LY TH1NK OF TH3M TOG3TH3R W1THOUT B31NG T3RR1F13D. 1 DONT W4NT H1M TO G3T HURT L1K3 MY OTH3R FR13NDS W3R3.
BUT TH3 OTH3R STUFF SOUNDS COOL. 1 PROM1S3 1 MOST D3F1N1T3LY D1D NOT L4UGH. NOT 3V3N 4 L1TTL3 B1T. 4ND 1 WOULD NOT PUT 1T P4ST X4NTHOUS TO PUT FUCK 1N TH3 SKY 31TH3R. 1 4M SURPR1S3D H3 D1DNT PUT 4 TR1BBL3 UP TH3R3 TOO. W3 ST1LL ONLY H4V3 TH3 FOR3ST 4ND TH3 C1RCUS BUT OUR GODL1NG W4S T4LK1NG 4BOUT ST4RS TOO. 1 TH1NK TH3Y L1K3 TH3 1D34 OF CONST3LL4T1ONS 3V3N 1F W3 C4NT S33 TH3M FULLY. TH3 SKY 1S 4LW4YS 4 SUNS3T BUT TH3 ST4RS P33K THROUGH FROM TH3 OPPOS1T3 D1R3CT1ON.
1 W1SH 1 COULD COM3 V1S1T YOUR MOUNT41NS 4ND YOUR JUNGL3. M4YB3 W3 C4N P3T1T1ON FOR V1S1T1NG R1GHTS. YOUR C4N 4SK YOUR Z3PHYR 4ND 1 W1LL 4SK OUR... F34R? 1 DONT 4CTU4LLY KNOW TH31R N4M3. M4YB3 W3 SHOULD TH1NK 4BOUT P1CK1NG ON3 OUT FOR TH3M B3FOR3 F34R 3NDS UP B31NG WH4T W3 C4LL TH3M. TH4T M1GHT G3T CONFUS1NG 4FT3R 4 WH1L3.
1 DONT H4V3 4NY N3W G1FTS FOR YOU TH1S T1M3 SO 1 HOP3 YOU ENJOY 4LL TH3S3 DUMB P1CTUR3S TH4T 1 4M STUFF1NG 1NTO TH1S 3NV3LOP3. N3XT T1M3 1 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 TO GO OUT 4ND F1ND 4 N1C3 G4M3 SO TH4T 1 C4N W1N YOU 4 PROP3R G1FT >:P BUT SOM3HOW 1 DOUBT YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO D1SL1K3 G3TT1NG DR4W1NGS 4S 4 PR3S3NT.
1 D1D NOT 34T TH3 ROCK OR TH3 L34F TH1S T1M3. 1 ST1LL PUT TH3 FLOW3RS D4NG3ROUSLY CLOS3 TO MY MOUTH. C4NT STOP WONT STOP.
It is too late. Now you have give me the idea to conspurr against you. >;33 You are simply doomed. Embarrassing smooches are happening.
And it was a long time ago! I was just told I would likely never see you again, that I didn't come back to Panem. It was before I came here. A weird in between dream that Zephyr created and I got caught up in. I think I said something like I didn't want embarrassing dramatic. I didn't want you to stay caught up on me if I wasn't there. I remember what it was like to have someone and hold them up as purrfect and great and amazing and forget all the flaws. I wanted you to be able to move on. To be honest that's why I wasn't so upset when you told me about the human you'd gotten a little pitiful for. You being able to go on with life and not feel like quadrants were awful or doomed to fail was part of our moirallegance. Or well it would have been if I'd been there longer. I remember how you were when we started.
But enough about that.
I don't know if my way will help you. I don't even know if I had a way. You wanted us to be civil and so we tried that. And I. Did they ever show what happened on the rooftop? I know I told you we talked and we were close to something and then he fell and you saw. But I told him none of it was my fault. I think that's what was really the thing was us. I was never scared of him. But he told me Xanthous and his life and all that was my fault because I never went after him and I believed that for a long time. Before he told me it was my fault I told him I knew it was. But no one wanted me to. Everyone, Porrim, Kankri, Mituna, all them wanted me to live. So I told him so. I finally faced that that wasn't my fault. None of it.
None of that really helps I think. Let me try this again. We got past the issues slow. The time he died was only the first step. It took time. We kept it up a lot for you at first? And our conversations were always one step forward and two steps back sort of thing. Well maybe the other way around. Every one got us forward. But I never know when to quit with people, you know? I keep trying. I keep reaching out. Usually.
I don't know if when I trusted him. There was no again, we never had trust. Maybe when he tried to save me from the awful dead walker things in the arena and had to kill me? Because it was a time when he cared and he tried so hard. Or maybe it wasn't until the dream when he told me what had happened in Panem and treated me so kindly and thoughfully? You don't just decide to trust someone. They earn it. With words and actions. If he doesn't earn it, how can you trust him?
If you can't talk to him, you might never get those answers and that's okay. You could talk to him and still not get those answers. Or the answers could be ones you didn't want at all. But I want you trust yourself Terezi. You feel the way you do for a reason. You're the one who knows what happened to you and that's the most important thing. He tricked you and you might never know why or how long it was going on.
This is frustratingly difficult to advise for. If he was there, you could talk to him or confront him again or something. You'd have options. But he's not there to earn or not earn your trust or provide the answers you want. I guess the real question is can you deal with not knowing why this happened? Can you look at this as something to learn from without it making you pull back from things? You trust people Terezi, you're loyal, and I can understand why having that loyalty used against you was the worst sort of betrayal. You care about your friends. You need them to have your back when you have theirs. You're under no obligation to forgive him for what he does. Just remember if he's from before that time, he can change. The future we make here outside Alternia is not set in those paths. I don't live alone forever. Kurloz isn't the Grand Highblood. You don't...do whatever it is you were going to do after you were brought to Panem. We're all living proof things can change. People can change.
Or I wouldn't be who I was today.
<> <> <>
And on the not so deep but equally impurrtant stuff. I can ask Zefur but I don't know if they'll let us visit. I'd like to visit your carnival at least once. It might not be where I'd want to live forever but I imagine it must be beautiful. I talked to them about the wall back during the constellation thing. They said it goes down when they're old enough and they'll just know when that is. That we'd be able to move about freely. It sounds lovely really but none of us know when it'll happen. They're growing up so fast. Not as tall as me yet but too close!
Maybe your god should make them really bright? Zephyr made our moon different. I think. It's definitely shinier. But I'm not sure how other gods work. They all seem to have different things they do. But you should probably name yours. Mine was named before I got here so I don't know how that works but maybe poll it? Do you all have a bulletin board? It's utter chaos here but we have had a few sensible polls. I think. Sort of.
I'm putting these drawings on the wall. Everyone shall see them when they come in. They'll be the pride of my hive. I'm surrounding them with feathers and dried flowers as we speak. Oh! Those flowers worked, the ones I dried for paint before? Sort of at least. They really need to be smoother, the paint is a little gritty, but I'm no position to whine about it.
Here I painted this picture with it. I'm not sure if you have a place to put it. Do you get places to put all these things I keep sending you? Or are you just eating them. >:OO Don't do it. Don't eat the flowers Rezi!!
I mean it, those were moirail flowers not eating flowers. I can send you eating flowers when my Alternian herbs bloom. Maybe next month. I'll send you all the things that taste best though those are the most useless ones.
<> Meulin
I unfolded this to add something but I forgot what it was. I'm already here though so I guess I'll write more anyways. I doubt you'll be opposed to more words. I miss you Terezi. I miss you a lot. Wish you'd shown up here. Wish you'd been here all this time and I hadn't had to worry about you. I told Kurloz in the dream that I didn't want to be a scar. I wanted to be a good memory, I wanted you to think of me and be happy we were together and not feel tied down or restricted by my being pulled away from you. He said he didn't get it but I think you might? You understand me.
Sorry, it's noon and appurrently that means I have to add sappy ridiculous things to my letter. I'm going to put this in the mail receptacle and go to bed. <> Pale for you Terezi.
I've been thinking about writing his letter for a while. I've been thinking about the stuff in it for even longer than I knew I could write to you. It's been a year and a half since I arrived here at least a year of it has been spent thinking about this. I could probably go on and on but I don't want you to get all worried. Do you remember when Mituna changed his title in Panem. I've thought about it a lot since then, why he did it, why he wanted to have something new. What it meant to him most of all. Xanthous is a little ridiculous but I know it fit him more. It's not tied down in the baggage of the past. Or at least that's why I think he changed it. Our relationship is still in the casual teasing and occasional awkwardness sort of place. It's not really in the talk about your deep emotions place. It just makes me think. I'm not sure about my title anymore. I haven't been for some time. The Disciple feels a little like a title that belongs to a different troll, you know? It was a version of myself who was defined by my connection to Signless, by my beliefs and how they influenced my life.
i haven't seen him in half a sweep. And that doesn't, shouldn't matter, you know? I miss him, I miss our relationship. I just
I think sometimes, about what you used to say and imply. That I was more than my connections. That I was more than what my title said about me. You always used to use my hatchname so I suspect you might be a little biased about this topic. I don't think you really liked my title to begin with <> We shall have to continue to disagree on deserving him and what I deserve in my quadrants (besides you) but that's beside the point.
The Dolorosa was here for some time. I met the newer Psiionic from Panem in the swamp I was in. It didn't feel like coming home. Well, it did a little and in other way it felt a little like betraying Xanthous but that's not what I'm talking about today! It felt strange. Like I wasn't the person they were really looking for. The Dolorosa disappeared. I never spoke to or have heard from the Psiionic again. I can't ask them how they would feel about my title, if they thought I was enough like their memories, if they liked the ways I'd changed.
This is getting off topic. Or maybe it's not. I'm not really sure how to write this out when I'm so torn on the subject myself.
My title doesn't feel like me. It feels like someone else, a version of myself who was brave and faithful but spent a lot of time sad, angry at herself and blaming herself for the things that went wrong. No that doesn't feel fair of me. There was a time when it was a title I wore with pride. It distinguished me, it spoke of my love and my pity, my place in the rebellion and most of all, of my faith in our message. Not faith like the clowns. Faith in people, in peace, in caring for other trolls and being cared for in return. But it got all mixed up over the last few sweeps. It got all turned around, when it had been a badge, an outward sign of who I was, it became all I was. I think. Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe it's still a badge of honor.
But I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know if I want to change it. I know that's a thing I can do. I'm fairly sure no one here right now would blame me or call me awful for doing so. But I can't help but wonder what I would do if Signless or the Dolorosa came? If the Psiionic I met returned. If another showed up. What would I say? It feels awful to contemplate, to think about ruining their memory of me, to ruin the memory of the rebellion. I do remember it. It's vivid, there to show all the things I loved about it, about them. The title means so much to me and it honors all their memories. It keeps them all in my memory when they're not here.
But sometimes I wonder if that really matters. If keeping my title for them is what they'd want. If they'd mind so much if they got here and I went by something else. I wonder if they'd understand. I remember how you said you'd never know about Gamzee, how he felt, what he really meant, and I understand. The chances that I'll know what they want, how they feel, is so small. I can keep hoping they'll come but do I stop trying to make the way I present myself fit who I am because of them? Or am I looking at it the wrong way. The bulletin board exploded a bit last month and I've had a lot of time to think about it. Who we are and who we want to be. Liking who we are, being who we want to be and learning to be that.
Is a title an integral part of me that should change with me? I'm not getting purrmoted, I'm not changing jobs or becoming someone unrecognizable to my last title. It just doesn't seem to fit. Like some costume from the Capitol, it's doesn't change who I am but it changes how I'm seen? Or not. I keep running this in circles around my head. I keep justifying one way or another and it makes me awful just to contemplate it. I want to go back and strike out a bunch of things but I'll try to keep this mostly intact. Telling you the truth, telling you how I feel without trying to censor it, that's what makes this work right? You aren't here to notice me droop in a conversation or watch what I say on the board or anything. I have to be honest.
Maybe the problem really is that I don't know who I am anymore. If I'm not defined by the same things I once was, what does that make me?
I'm sending this with a pineapple which I'm sure you've realized already. Please don't eat any of the spiky bits.
Oh! I asked Zephyr about visiting the answer was a solid 'maybe???' but if we can't, at least I tried. I asked them to update me if something happened. <>
1 US3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3 B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3. 4ND B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOU. <><><> BUT YOU M1GHT B3 R1GHT. 1 N3V3R R34LLY C4R3D FOR YOUR T1TL3 MUCH. 1 W4RM3D UP TO S1GNL3SS 4 L1TTL3, 4FT3R... Y34H. W3 W3R3 4SHM4T3S. BUT H3'S ST1LL 4N 1D1OT 4ND 1 4M FULLY 4LLOW3D TO S4Y TH4T NOW.
1 4M 4LSO FULLY 4LLOW3D TO TH1NK TH4T YOU D3S3ERV3 B3TT3R. BUT 1 4M GO1NG TO TH1NK TH4T R3G4RDL3SS OF WHO YOU L1K3. >:]
1 4M NOT R34LLY SUR3 1F 1 C4N 4DV1S3 ON N3W T1TL3S. 1 ST1LL DONT H4V3 ON3 MYS3LF. BUT 1 TH1NK 1 UND3RST4ND NOT F33L1NG L1K3... TH3 P3RSON YOU W3R3 B3FOR3? B3FOR3 P4N3M H4PP3N3D. W3 W3NT THROUGH 4 LOT OF TH1NGS TH3R3. 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 POSS1BL3 TO ST1LL B3 TH3 S4M3 P3OPL3 NOW.
TH4T B31NG S41D, 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T T4K1NG 4 N3W T1TL3 WOULD B3 4N 1NSULT TO TH3M. YOUR3 NOT B31NG PROMOT3D PURRMOT3D BUT YOU SHOULDNT L1V3 1N TH3 P4ST 31TH3R. 1 DONT TH1NK TH3Y WOULD W4NT YOU TO HOLD OUT FOR TH3M FOR3V3R. L1K3 WH4T YOU S41D B3FOR3 4BOUT B31NG 4 GOOD M3MORY 1NST34D OF 4 SC4R. TH3Y WOULDNT W4NT TO B3 4 SC4R ON YOU 31TH3R, WOULD TH3Y?
1 HOP3 TH4T M4K3S S3NS3. YOU PROB4BLY KNOW MOR3 4BOUT TH1S TH4N 1 DO, BUT 1 4M ST1LL H3R3 TO T3LL YOU TH4T WH4T3V3R YOU W4NT TO DO SOUNDS GOOD TO M3. 4S LONG 4S 1T M4K3S YOU H4PPY. <>
1F YOUR3 ST1LL WORR13D 4BOUT 1T, TH3N M4YB3 YOU CAN F1ND 4 T1TL3 TH4T ST1LL HONORS TH3M 1N SOM3 W4Y? BUT 1 DONT TH1NK 1T 1S STR1CTLY N3C3SS4RY. 1 C4NT SP34K FOR TH3M, BUT 1F 1 COULD, 1 WOULD T3LL YOU TH4T TH3Y SHOULD 4LR34DY B3 PROUD OF YOU. 1 KNOW 1 4M. <><><>
TH4TS 4LL TH3 S4P YOU G3T FROM M3 FOR NOW. M4K3 SUR3 TO L3T M3 KNOW HOW 1T WORKS OUT. 1 N33D TO B3 UPD4T3D ON WH4T N4M3 TO PUT 1NS1D3 TH3 D14MONDS 1 DR4W. >:]
<> T3R3Z1
[At the end of the page, a large diamond has been drawn with "Terezi" and "Meulin" scribbled inside of it.]
<> Such sap Remind me to send you some of the stuff from my trees when the snow ends If it ends at the same time
I think I want to do it. Change it. And I think I have some ideas for how to honor them anyways. Or at least honor what we did. It makes sense to me at least. And that's what matters, right?
I wanted to ask if you had any suggestions? I want to at least know if you have any thoughts. I'm getting stuck on things. And I know some are taking three names. And some people two and then some just take the title. Like Xanthous.
Having three seems off to me when I've gone by one so long. But it seems like it might be right? It's complicated. I'm not even on Alternia anymore why must life continue to be complicated.
Also I'm cutting out the diamond and putting in on my wall <> So I have proof.
TEREZI. my sister sweet. OH PITEOUS PARTED. how i mother fuckin long for thee. ALL THE THINGS WE HADN'T TIME TO SHARE. talk. TOUCH. tastes sweet of your kiss. AND NOW ONLY WRIT. simply ain't enough, i know well, even as i've only got to begun.
A STRANGE SORT TOO. never written to no one like this. LETTERS OF EMPIRICAL ORDER AIN'T MUCH THE SAME AND SHIP CORRESPONDANCE CAME FAR QUICKER, EVEN FOR ITS FAULTS. mirth, even board writ has a feel a sorts different. DIFFERENCE IN TIDAL SEA TO RIVER FLOW. all beasts alike ain't feasting same, as is said.
I WISH TO ASK OF ALL. every piece given be more i may hold of thee. MY BELOVED. what occurences have made abouts? WHOM HAS HELD YOU A COMPATRIOT? what wonders have you seen? WHAT MIRACLES DO YOU DREAM ON? i've missed you. I'VE MISSED YOU SO DAMN MUCH.
conversed did i with a zephyr. IT MAY BE SO WE MAY ONE DAY MEET AGAIN. the when, however, remains elusive. I HOPE IT SOON. i pray. I WISH. i shall need to make writ all the more to bide until then. WRIT AND ALL GIFT I CAN MUSTER. piece and piece of heart until you may rebuild me where you are honk honk. :o)
OH MIRTH, TEREZI, I MISS YOU SO. it aches within me, the longing for you. A BITTERSWEET SORT IS THIS. like prayers of mercy met but still injury to bear. ONLY JUST BEYOND ARE YOU, YET STILL. do you recall the rings we wore? THE RING OF SKULLS YOU GIFTED ALSO? i have kept both with me, treasued, that i may have you nearer.
TO PREACH OF MYSELF, MUST GIVE ADMITTANCE UNTO A QUIET HERE. so different of alternia and the capitol. AND YET I WOULD NEVER NAME IT WITHOUT NO TRIAL AT ALL. merely a slower pace and one allowing of healing.
I HAVE MADE AMMENDS IN MANY A WAY. i sought forgiveness with a brother, peter, whom i lashed out for calling of my speach. HE'S A GOOD MOTHERFUCKER, I THINK, HE JUST AIN'T SEE IT YET. i hope he shall. HOPE HIS FEARS OF ME EASE.
waspfire also. MAY HAVE STIRRED SOMETHING AWFUL BY A SISTER. she was dragging up what was being past of xanthous. THE SINS OF MY FUTURE. couldn't be about it and made ill. BUT I THINK WE GOT SET NOW AS I'M NOT TO BE DOING SUCH THINGS NO MORE.
terezi, the sister truth living here by me, came abouts apologetic. FORGAVE OF COURSE. wasn't a thing up at all. STILL, SHE THINKS BEST HER LEAVE. wish she wouldn't. WISH SHE'D STAY. promised she could leave and i would bide by it. WOULD WAIT. tears at me some but such as things go.
XANTHOUS, MY BROTHER. he has sought ammend of his own soul. HE HAS RETURNED HIS SCARS OF OLD AND MADE NEW OF THEM. a macabre sort but. AS AM I. as are we. HE SEEMS HAPPIER OF THEM AND SO I ALSO.
i have sought to keep peace within the meadous here. I HAVE MADE ABOUTS MYSELF TO ACTING LIASON WHERE I MAY NEED. perhaps i ain't best suited. PERHAPS IT ALL SOMETHING MUCH. but i wanted, i suppose. I WANT THIS.
it has made me think of the signless. IT HAS MADE ME MISS HIM ALSO. but not only for that.
I DID SOMETHING. zephyr blessed many an amiphimemorial upon our lot the winter passed. MERE TOUCH AND ALL SO MANY A THING RETURNED. understand for some and all it was different. WOULD'VE ANTICIPATED A HARSHNESS CERTAIN HAD I KNOWN. should've got to guess.
YET IN MY MIND A MEMORY. my self spread the fuck through in briefest taste. I SOUGHT MORE, DID I. my brother. ME. us and we making up for one. I REMEMBERED, SISTER. in recollection before me lay beforus.
OH TEREZI. it was beautiful. A MOTHER FUCKIN MIRACLE UNDENIABLE. i recalled us all. TWELVE AS YOURS WAS TWELVE. friends as you all were friends. AND A PEACE. dear meulin. MY MOIRAIL. was so different then. SUCH A STRANGE SENSE IT BRINGS. to be fit together yet missing too all the same. PERHAPS SIMILAR IN SENSE OF BEING BITTERSWEET.
similar in view of stars above. ALL CAME TOGETHER RECENT, TALE AND IMAGE FOR ZEPHYR TO MAKE OF THE SKY. meulin made a cat, warm and reminding of her. XANTHOUS GOT ABOUT HIM CURSE IN STARS ABOVE, BRINGING ALL HUMOR. i made a feath of stars. MADE SYMBOLIC ALL THEM WHAT HELPED ME. all them missed. ZEPHYR TOOK FAVOR, ME AND A BERTIE. i was gifted sleep free of daymare by way of wrist piece. A STAR WORN UPON ME. has allowed me to dream sweet it has, something done on never before.
I DREAMT OF OUR STARS, BACKWAYS OF THE CAPITOL. i dreamt of yours and of mine. I DREAMT US MEETING THERE. i dreamt us all but me and you particular. I HOPE TO SEE YOU THEN COME SUNRISE. or maybe after. CAN'T PAINT THE VIEW WITHOUT STAYING ON FOR IT, DON'T YOU KNOW.
pity you dearly.
KURLOZ. ♑
[A painted sunrise has been included. Terezi is featured by a familiar silhouette.]
1TS SO GOOD TO H34R FROM YOU. 1 M1SS3D YOU SO MUCH. SHOULD 1 P3PP3R MY L3TT3R W1TH TH4T S3NT3NC3 4S M4NY T1M3S 4S YOU D1D? H3H3H3. 1T W4S CUT3. 1 P1TY YOU. 1 P1TY YOU MOR3 TH4N 1 C4N ST4ND R1GHT NOW. BUT H4V1NG YOUR L3TT3R 1N MY H4NDS 1S B3TT3R TH4N NOTH1NG 4T 4LL. 1 4M SUR3 1 4M GO1NG TO R34D 1T 4 HUNDR3D T1M3S OV3R B3FOR3 TH1S L3TT3R G3TS B4CK TO YOU.
1 H4V3 NOT S33N 4NY WOND3RS S4DLY. 1 4M BL1ND, 1N C4S3 YOU FORGOT. >:P <3 1V3 DR34MT OF YOU OFT3N THOUGH. 4S OFT3N 4S 1 H4V3 M4N4G3D TO DR34M GOOD DR34MS. 1V3 M4D3 FR13NDS W1TH SOM3 OF TH3 P3OPL3 H3R3. 3LPH4B4 4ND 1 SH4R3 4 LOT OF THOUGHTS 4ND F33L1NGS. SH3 H4S 4 S3NS3 OF JUST1C3 1N H3R. 4ND 4 S3NS3 OF SASS AND HUMOR. 1 TH1NK W3 WOULD G3T 4LONG MOR3 F4MOUSLY 1F SH3 W4S W1LL1NG TO COOP3R4T3 W1TH TH3 R3FL3CT1ON 4T 4LL.
TH4TS WH4T W3 C4LL OUR GOD SOM3T1M3S. TH3 R3FL3CT1ON. F34R. SOM3 H4V3 T4K3N TO C4LL1NG TH3M COUR4G3 L4T3LY. 1 GU3SS TH4T 1S B3TT3R BUT 1 4M NOT SUR3 WH1CH 1 L1K3 B3ST. NON3 OF TH3M S33M TO R34LLY F1T HOW 1 F33L 4BOUT TH3M. 1TS TOUGH. 1T F33LS L1K3 4 LOT OF R3SPONS1B1LTY KNOW1NG TH4T W3 4R3 1N P4RT R3SPONS1BL3 FOR WH4T TH3Y 4R3. YOU KNOW? W3 ONLY G3T ON3 CH4NC3 TO G3T 1T R1GHT. 1 DONT TH1NK TH3Y GO THROUGH MULT1PL3 N4M3S L1K3 W3 DO.
1 M1SS YOU. TH3R3 1 S41D 1T 4G41N. YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO B3 S1CK OF R34D1NG THOS3 WORDS BY TH3 T1M3 TH1S 1S OV3R. 1 M1SS YOU SO MUCH. DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK W3 W1LL B3 4BL3 TO V1S1T ON3 4NOTH3R? YOU H4D B3TT3R NOT B3 T34S1NG M3. 1 DONT TH1NK MY H34RT COULD T4K3 1T. <333 1F 1 COULD V1S1T R1GHT NOW 1 WOULD 4LR34DY BY H4LFW4Y TH3R3. M4YB3 1 C4N 4SK OUR GOD 4S W3LL. M4YB3 1F W3 BOTH3R TH3M 3NOUGH W3 C4N H4R4SS TH3M 1NTO SUBM1SS1ON.
1T 1S H4RD TO 1M4G1N3 YOU 4S 4 P34C3K33P3R K33P3R OF TH3 P34C3. YOU W3R3 SUCH 4 TROUBL3M4K3R 1N P4N3M. FROM W4RLORD TO R3B3L TO P4C1F1ST. LOOK HOW F4R YOUV3 COM3. 3V3RY T1M3 1 TH1NK 4BOUT 1T 1 F33L SO PROUD OF YOU. 1TS L1K3 1 W4NT TO L4UGH BUT MY CH3ST F33LS TOO FULL. 3V3RY T1M3 1 F33L L1K3 TH1S PL4C3 1S TOO OV3RWH3LM1NG TH4T 1S WH4T 1 TH1NK OF. YOU PUSH3D SO F4R 4ND NOW 1T 1S MY TURN.
1V3 B33N TRY1NG TO G3T TH3 OTH3RS TO R34L1Z3 1T TOO. WH4T TH3 PURPOS3 OF US B31NG H3R3 1S. 1T H4SNT B33N 34SY. YOUV3 T4UGHT M3 TH4T F4C1NG YOUR F34RS 1S 4 H4RD P4TH TO W4LK BUT T34CH1NG TH4T TO OTH3RS 1S JUST 4S H4RD. NO ON3 W4NTS TO LOOK 4T SOM3TH1NG TH3Y 4R3 4FR41D OF 4ND TRY TO UND3RST4ND TH4T 1T 1S GOOD FOR TH3M. BUT 4 F3W 4R3 ST4RT1NG TO COM3 4ROUND 4ND 1 TH1NK TH3 GOD 4PPR3C14T3S 1T. 1 TH1NK 1T 1S GOOD FOR TH3M TOO. WH3N W3 C4N UND3RST4ND TH3M 4ND WH4T TH3Y 4R3. TH3 C1RCUS 1S ST4RT1NG TO GROW 4 L1TTL3 MOR3.
THE RELIEF IT BRINGS TO GRASP YOUR WRIT TEAL CLOSE. pepper it for all and any as you wish. IT SHALL NEVER DETER MY WANTING YOU. though i've agreement true, it is indeed betterlike. I PITY YOU. i pity you. OH SO MOTHERFUCKING MUCH DO I PITY.
enough as to concede my walking the fuck on into that. PERHAPS WE'VE BOTH A NEED OF NEW EYE. honk. :o)
SOMETIMES I IMAGINE THEM DREAMS A REALNESS. as perhaps what i dream matches on for that of you. THAT IT'S REAL AS REAL AND CONNECTED WE MOTHERFUCKING REMAIN. it makes the dreams sweeter. EVEN IF IT MAKES THE WAKE MORE TO ACHE.
elphaba sounds a good sort but for stubborness i suppose. WISH TO LOOK ON OUT FOR A FELLOW OF FEAR. but i can be on of an understanding for stubborness, i think at we both know.
NAMING SEEMS A DIFFICULT SORT. i can do about it with the goats i got but making responsibility and all like what you say is being so much bigger. TO BE OF ONE AND DONE IS A DIFFICULTY. can't even ask the little motherfuckers how's they's feeling at it. ALL SAYING AS IT'S WHATEVER WE'S WILLING. can't help wishing it wasn't sometimes. I WORRY ON MINE, DON'T YOU KNOW? zephyr seems a good kid. KIND. scares the fuck out of me. REMINDS ME AS LIKE HOW I USED TO BE. i hope he ain't go through nothing of the likes of i. EVEN IF I GOT COMING OUT THE OTHER SIDE THANKS AS WHAT'S TO YOU. wish i could proctect them of all every but all they's wanting is protecting we. I'D PRAY TO MESSIAHS FOR IT BUT
i don't think zephyr a god. I THINK THEM POWERFUL AND GREAT AND GOOD. but they are not the messiahs. I FEARED SO LONG TO SAY AS SO THAT WHEN I CAME TO ADMITTANCE, I THOUGHT I'D BE PURGED OF THE MEADOUS. or perhaps my faith would bring punishment upon the others. IT WAS NOT SO AND MY JOY, OH SISTER, I CANNOT EXPRESS IT FULL. still, i've not yet came to praying yet. MAYBE TONIGHT. feel better after writing of it.
ALL BEING THE SAME, SUCH POWERS IS TRUE. as is what i'm believing their promise. WE WILL MEET AGAIN. you and i. US AND WE. :o) <3
i assure it's as hard to fathom for i as well, a keeper of peace. WARLORD TO REBEL TO PACIFIST. sounds all a bigger motherfucking deal put like that. YOUR PRIDE BRINGS ABOUT THE SAME FEELINGS TO ME. this feels good. IT FEELS RIGHT. like maybe this is what the subjugglators should have been. I AIN'T KNOW. just know i've got my belief on in you. A DIFFICULT PATH INDEED YOU FACE BUT I KNOW YOU'LL GET ABOUTS TO IT. know that i am always here to be helping. WOULD KNOW WELL, AFTER ALL. ;o)
a growing circus is a good circus for matter of fact. :o) AND A GOOD ONE CAME ABOUTS BEFORUS TOO. i have learned so much more of my faith. UNDERSTANDINGS COME ABOUT OF ME. how the faith was really meant. I REMEMBER ARANEA. i ain't think she liked me very much though. :o( SHE SEEMED AS WHAT'S BEING NICE BUT JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HER STRUCK ON LIKE SHE'D BE RATHERING I SHUT MY TRAP. did my best, truly. AIN'T LIKE SHE DIDN'T TALK ON TOO. or maybe she was figuring me to be creepy haha. COULD FATHOM THAT.
it was so peaceful. NOT PERFECT. caste system still abouts and some of my friends wasn't to be having it well. MEENAH TOOK OFF ON TO THE MOTHERFUCKING MOON, CAN YOU BELIEVE ON THAT? the moon. JUST SO SHE DIDN'T NEED CARING FOR NO ONE. i don't know. CARING ON OTHERS AIN'T SOUND TOO BAD. least not the way my ancestor did it for me.
I'VE A SADNESS DEEP AS IT GOT ENDED. but i know it ended for reasons good. I GOT TO MEET YOU. i was fated something terrible two fold but by this i can feel and i can know you and all is being well. MAYBE FOR ALL WHAT CRUELTY IT IS, I'M HAPPY AS TO BE HERE ALSO. though it would be all the better if you was in reach.
RECENTLY I'VE MADE A MARKET AT OF THE MEADOUS. kept remembering the old one where at i used to live, bluewash. THIS ONE'S NICE. hope to see it grow. A CONFESSIONAL AS WELL HAS BEGUN ON MY DOING. people have been using it. I THINK IT'S REALLY GOTTEN HELP FOR HEALING. :o)
the terezi here, truth lets be calling her, she came about the end of a long haul of denying a death done on deep. SOMETHING RUINOUS, A GIRL. but i think this mightbe good step for healing too. XANTHOUS MEAN THE FUCKIN WHILE HAS TURNED SCAR TO PATTERN BEAUTIFUL UPON HIM. i've helped three motherfuckers as came into confessional.
YET FOR ALL SUCH HEALING, AIN'T NO MOTHERFUCKER WHAT'S LUCKIER THAN ME. afraid you're wrong, sister. I HAVE THE BEST MATESPRIT AS FOR WHICH MIGHT AT BE ASKED. :o) the shell is beautiful. REMINDS OF YOU.
perhaps a night soon, none so far of now. CAN BE ABOUT ON THE BEACHES. can imagine there, just you and me. MAKE IMAGINING OF IT, MY ARMS AROUND YOU. you being tucked close at to me. MY BELOVED. a kiss to your head. TO YOUR EYES EACH. to your lips. NOTHING COULDN'T NEVER HARM YOU. you'd smell are stares as rubies overhead. WOULD TELL OVER AND OVER ALL YOU WISHED.
how much i pity.
KURLOZ. ♑
[Another painting has been included, this one more matching his typical abstract splattery style, but still within two figures may be seen wrapped around one another, spirits intertwined.]
MY LOV3. MY KURLOZ. H3H3H3. 4R3 YOU BLUSH1NG Y3T? OR M4YB3 YOU 4R3 W34R1NG TH4T SW33T 4ND DOP3Y SM1L3 OF YOURS. 1F YOU 4R3 WOND3R1NG WH4T 1 M34N, 1T 1S 4 LOOK TH4T YOU WOULD G3T SOM3T1M3S WH3N YOU LOOK3D 4T M3. 1 NOT1C3D 1T 4 LONG LONG T1M3 4GO. W4Y B3FOR3 YOU K1SS3D M3 TH4T F1RST T1M3. 1T US3D TO M4K3 M3 F33L L1K3... L1K3 MY H34RT W4S FL1PP1NG OV3R 1N MY CH3ST. 1T ST1LL DO3S. 1T F3LT L1K3 SOM3TH1NG 4M4Z1NG WH3N YOU WOULD LOOK 4T M3 L1K3 TH4T. L1K3 SOM3TH1NG SOFT 4ND G3NTL3 4ND GOOD. <3
DO YOU REALLY TH1NK W3 DR34M TOG3TH3R? 1 WOULD L1K3 TO TH1NK TH4T W3 DO. 1T WOULD M34N B31NG JUST 4 L1TTL3 B1T CLOS3R TO YOU. 1T 34S3S TH3 4CH3 OF B31NG SO F4R 4W4Y. BUT TH3N 1 TH1NK 1 SHOULD PROB4BLY B3 MOR3 4SH4M3D OF 4 F3W OF THOS3 DR34MS... NO YOU C4N NOT 4SK 4BOUT TH3M. 1 R3FUS3 TO T3LL. NOT UNL3SS YOU COM3 OV3R H3R3 P3RSON4LLY 4ND M4K3 M3. OTH3RW1S3 MY L1PS 4R3 S34L3D. WH4T 4 SH4M3.
ON TH3 TOP1C OF YOUR Z3PHYR: 1 4M SUR3 TH4T TH3Y W1LL B3 OK4Y. TH3Y H4V3 YOU TO W4TCH OV3R TH3M 4FT3R 4LL. TH3R3 1S NO B3TT3R P3RSON OUT TH3R3 TO K33P SOM3ON3 S4F3. 1 KNOW YOU W1LL PUT YOUR H34RT 1NTO 1T L1K3 YOU 4LW4YS DO. 4ND 3V3N 1F TH3Y 4R3NT 4 GOD...4ND 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T 4NY OF TH3M 4R3... 1T DO3SNT CH4NG3 HOW MUCH YOU C4R3 R1GHT? 1M GL4D TH4T TH3Y S33 TH4T TOO. 1M GL4D YOUR3 ST1LL 4LLOW3D TO H4V3 YOUR OWN B3L13FS. YOU ST1LL OW3 M3 4NOTH3R C4RN1V4L BY TH3 W4Y. TH3 N3XT T1M3 W3 M33T 1 1NT3ND TO COLL3CT SO YOU H4D B3TT3R B3 R34DY W1TH SOM3 M3RRY M4K1NG.
SP34K1NG OF B3L13FS 4ND STUFF... 1V3 B33N TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 4 LOT OF TH1NGS L4T3LY. STUFF TH4T H4PP3N3D B3FOR3 1 C4M3 H3R3 4ND STUFF S1NC3 TH3N. 1 F33L S1LLY WR1T1NG TH1S BUT 1 4M G3TT1NG R34LLY 4TT4CH3D TO TH1S L1TTL3 GOD CH1LD. L1K3 1 S41D 1 DONT R34LLY TH1NK TH3Y 4R3 4 GOD BUT 1 W4NT TO H3LP TH3M 4NYW4Y. 1 W4NT TH3M TO G3T STRONG3R 4ND 1 W4NT 3V3RYON3 TO UND3RST4ND TH3M 4ND WH4T TH3Y 4R3 TRY1NG TO DO. SOM3ON3 M3NT1ON3D TH4T 1 W4S 4CT1NG L1K3 SOM3 K1ND OF... 1 DONT KNOW. 1T F33LS DUMB TO WR1T3 1T OUT BUT. L1K3 SOM3 K1ND OF 4COLYT3. 1 4M NOT R34LLY SUR3 HOW 1 F33L 4BOUT TH4T. 1M NOT 3V3N SUR3 WHY 1 4M T3LL1NG YOU. 1TS COMPL1C4T3D. >:[
4NYW4Y... YOUR M4RK3T SOUNDS WOND3RFUL. W3 DONT H4V3 4NYTH1NG L1K3 TH4T H3R3. THOUGH 1 GU3SS W3 DONT N33D TO. TH3R3 1SNT MUCH 1N TH3 W4Y OF FOOD SOURC3S 4ROUND TH3 4R34. 4LL OF OUR FOOD 1S PROV1D3D FOR US E4CH D4Y. 1T F33LS W31RD NOT B31NG 4BL3 TO HUNT 4ND G4TH3R FOR MYS3LF THOUGH. 1V3 FOUND 4 F3W P4TCH3S OF W1LD B3RR13S 4ND SOM3T1M3S 1 4DD THOS3 TO TH3 M34L T4BL3 BUT 1V3 B33N TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 4SK1NG FOR MOR3 4N1M4LS 1N OUR FOR3ST. YOU H4D 4 LOT OF D1FF3R3NT K1NDS 1N YOURS.
TRUTH 1S 4 FUNNY N4M3 TO C4LL SOM3ON3. DO 1 H4V3 4 N4M3 TOO? S4M ST4RT3D C4LL1NG M3 SN4PDR4GON WH3N W3 W3R3 1N D1STR1CT TH1RT33N. 1T 1S 4 K1ND OF PL4NT WH3R3 TH3 FLOW3RS LOOK 4 B1T L1K3 DR4GON H34DS. 1F YOU SQU33Z3 TH3M JUST R1GHT TH3N TH3Y POP OP3N L1K3 TH3Y 4R3 RO4R1NG. 1 L1K3 TH3M. >:] 1T SOUNDS L1K3 TH1NGS 4R3 3V3NTFUL OV3R TH3R3. 1 HOP3 TH3Y TURN OUT W3LL. T3LL X4NTHOUS TH4T 1 S41D H1. 1 D1D NOT G3T TO T4LK TO H1M N34RLY 3NOUGH WH1L3 V1S1T1NG.
YOU 4R3 T34S1NG M3 SOM3TH1NG HORR1BL3 YOU KNOW. YOU P41NT SUCH 4 B34UT1FUL P1CTUR3 W1TH YOUR 4RT 4ND YOUR WORDS. YOU 4ND M3 UND3R TH3 ST4RS 4ND WR4PP3D UP TOG3TH3R. 1T M4K3S M3 W1SH 1T W4S TRU3. YOU'V3 G1V3N M3 4 M34NS TO TORTUR3 MYS3LF, 4ND 1 4M 4FR14D 1M NOT GO1NG TO L3T 1T GO. I M1SS W4K1NG UP N3XT TO YOU. 1 M1SS OUR GOOD N1GHTS 4ND GOOD MORN1NGS. 1 M1SS SH4R1NG M34LS TOG3TH3R. 1 M1SS R34D1NG STOR13S TOG3TH3R B3FOR3 L1GHTS OUT. 1 3V3N M1SS H3LP1NG W1TH YOUR P41NT. 1 MISS YOU. 1 P1TY YOU. MOR3 TH4N 4NYTH1NG 1 P1TY YOU.
1 N33D TO GO FOR NOW. 1 DONT W4NT TO BUT 1 C4NT K33P WR1T1NG TO YOU FOR3V3R OR YOU W1LL N3V3R G3T TH1S. <3 1 W1LL 34G3RLY 4W41T YOUR N3XT L3TT3R. 1 W1LL 3V3N 34G3RL13R 4W41T TH3 N3XT T1M3 W3 C4N B3 TOG3TH3R. 4ND TH4T 1S MOST D3F1N1T3LY 4 WORD. PROM1S3.
FOR3V3R YOURS <3 T3R3Z1 ♎
[A painting has been attached to her letter this time, something reminiscent of the wall and floor art that they used to draw together.]
AIN'T THE SLIGHTEST INKLING TO MEANING, SMILES PARTICULAR. is what would all be up and said, had i not a name for it to give. THE FEELING OF BEHOLDING YOU, IN ANY WAYS OR FORM TO BE BEHOLDEN TO. the pity insurmountable. TO BE GRACED WITH SHE OF SUCH BEAUTY, WISDOM, AND WONDER. a girl what's soft and gentle and good to him what smiles so. HONK. <3
think we do. WHY ALL THE FUCK NOT? why couldn't at we. PLENTY AS GETS ABOUT THINGS BEFORE. we've connection enough. LET US FILL THE DISTANCE. let us up and believe for our hearts tell us true.
EXCEPT WHEN A SISTER IS SECRETING SHAMES! how cruel she is. BUT IF THAT IS HOW SHE IS TO BE SHE SHALL LEARN NOTHING OF MINE. ;o)
been thinking on what you wrote herelike. THINKING WELL BEFORE I MADE IT WRIT. care without worship. BUT IT AIN'T LESSER TO ZEPHYR. wonder maybe, if that's what messiahs meant for you. YOU WERE DESTINED TO KNOW THEM, HAD OUR FUTURES PROGRESSED AS THEY WERE MEANT. been thinking, maybe, for all lack of faith, might've been okay, you and them. THEY AND YOU. and such care may have been there also. I AIN'T KNOW. such speculations serve none but mine own. NOTHING TO YOU. nothing to messiahs. NOTHING ON A FUTURE WHAT MEANS NOTHING TO US. guess i just want knowing that they'd care on you too, beyond my believing of it.
WHICH IS BEING TO SAY, IT AIN'T SOUND SILLY AT TO ME. in spaces samelike, really. ACOLYTE THOUGH? ain't sound like you. GUESS IT'S BEING A THING ON HOW YOU FEEL OF IT THOUGH, MY SISTER, THOUGH YOU AIN'T CERTAIN ON FEELING. acolytes is followers typically. ONES WHAT IS ASSISTING IN CEREMONY ESPECIALLY. not a thing what to be ashamed of, such servitude. BUT IF IT AIN'T BELIEVING YOURS, THEN ACOLYTE AIN'T APT, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
envious am i, to some motherfucking degree. THINK I'D GROW WEARY WITH A LACK OF HUNT BUT. miss kicking the shit communal with brothers and sisters of the carnival. EVEN IF I DIDN'T HAVE ON NO REAL FRIEND BACK THEN, THINGS GET ALL BLURRED UP IN THE LOT. you forget who you is and think more what you are; part of a family. ESPECIALLY IF A SONG GOT ABOUTS AMONG THE ELIXIR SPILL HONK. :o) pray your success with gaining beasts' variety.
IT IS A FUNNY NAME, SUPPOSE, BUT IT FITS OF HER. and it ain't no funnier than me being fear, could say. YOU DO GOT A NAME. i consider you trust. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE. it is what you up and teach and learn simultaneous. IT AS BEAUTIFUL A THING AS YOU.
speaking of she, hadn't much given tell to her of you. WELL, THAT AIN'T TRUE. spoke well of you a lot. PASSED KNOWLEDGE YOU GAVE ONTO HER. told her how i missed. BUT WITH WHAT ALL ILL SHE FEELS OF OTHERS LIKE HER, DIDN'T THINK IT IMPORTANT TO TELL NAME. you ain't the same, after all. AND A GIRL NEVER UP AND ASKED. was angry at first, of course, but i think she came to making me understood. JUST NEEDS TO COME ABOUT LIKING HERSELF. i've hope for her. SAID I COULD TELL SOON WHAT A HERO YOU ARE TO ME TOO. looking forward to that. FIGURED YOU OUGHT KNOW I THINK YOU A HERO ALSO. :o)
will need seeking out some snapdragons for mine own then. SOUND CUTE AS FUCK. meaning you of course. :o) A HOMIE WHAT HAD AFFILIATION WITH THE FLORAL CAME ON ABOUT. he named for me the belladonna, deadly nightshade. WOULD BE WEARY OF SEEKING THEM OUT THOUGH, APPARENTLY THEY'VE A POISON TO THEM WITHOUT HANDLING KNOWLEDGEABLE. motherfucker told me so. COULD TALK TO TREES APPARENT, AS RIDICULOUS AS ALL THINGS IS BEING. apparently they named this brother peacemaker. NOT SURE ON HOW TO THINK ON THAT.
regards will be sent to xanthous posthaste. AND REGRET NOT SLIGHTEST BIT OF A TEASING MAKING HAPPENSTANCE. ;o)
especially when she deals such cruelty sweet right on abouts in turn. ALL THE SUNSETS MYSTICAL COULDN'T COMPARE TO SEEING YOUR FACE IN WAKING LIGHT OF THEM. hearing your voice is better than any tale what one could tell. YOUR TOUCH, A MIRACLE.
begun making a shrine to the messiahs. WISHED MYSELF THE GOSPELEVITY WHOLE. my every prayer will have something of you in it. I HAVE PAINTED THE TENT IN ALL MY MIRACLES GAINED, MY FAMILY, AND THUSLY I HAVE PAINTED IT IN YOUR PITY AND MINE FOR YOU. as is just. <3
eageriestly yours, KURLOZ.
[A painting of the tent has been included, featuring his own kneeling self her image in the smoke of burning herbs.]
YOUR3 SO UNF41R. HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3 TO SHOW3R YOU W1TH COMPL1M3NTS 1F YOU K33P TURN1NG TH3M B4CK ON M3? YOU H4V3 YOUR OWN SOFTN3SS. YOUR OWN GOODN3SS. YOU 4R3 MOR3 TH4N JUST TH3 TH1NGS 1 H4V3 G1V3N TO YOU. 4ND 1 W1LL K33P 1NS1ST1NG TH4T YOU 4R3 4LL OF TH3S3 WOND3R TH1NGS UNT1L 1 4M T34L 1N TH3 F4C3.
1F 1 W3R3 TH3R3 R1GHT NOW 1 WOULD 4SS3RT MY TRUTHS 4ND TH3N ST34L YOUR PROT3STS 4W4Y W1HT 4 THOUS4ND K1SS3S. BUT S1NC3 1 4M NOT, YOU W1LL H4V3 TO S1MPLY TRUST M3. <3
1 C4NT S4Y WH4T YOUR M3SS14HS WOULD H4V3 4 C4R3 FOR. 1 4M NOT SUR3 TH4T 1 WOULD H4V3 4 C4R3 FOR M3 1F 1 W3R3 SOM3 K1ND OF OMN1SC13NT CR34TUR3. PR1M4R1LY B3C4US3 1 DO NOT R34LLY B3L13V3 1N OMN1SC13NT CR34TUR3S. SO TH4T WOULD PROB4BLY B3 PR3TTY 1NSULT1NG.
BUT 1 C4R3 4BOUT YOU. 4ND 1 C4R3 4BOUT TH3 TH1NGS TH4T YOU C4R3 4BOUT. SO FOR WH4T 1T 1S WORTH, 1 WOULD 4T L34ST TRY TO B3 C1V1L. WH1CH 4S YOU KNOW 1S 4 HUG3 L34P OF R3STR41NT FOR M3. <3
1 H4V3 TO 4GR33 THOUGH... 4COLYT3 DO3SNT R34LLY SOUND L1K3 M3. BUT 1 DO G3T WH4T TH3Y W3R3 TRY1NG TO S4Y. 1 4M JUST NOT SUR3 1F 1 W4NT TO L1K3 1T TO SOM3 K1ND OF R3L1G1OUS S3NT1M3NT. 4S 1 JUST M3NT1ON3D 1 DO NOT R34LLY B3L13V3 1N GODS. WH4T3V3R TH3S3 CH1LD 4R3, TH3Y 4R3 POW3RFUL. BUT NOT GODS. >:? 4T L34ST NOT 4NY MOR3 TH4N 1 4M TO 34RTH HUM4NS.
H4V3 1 M3NT1ON3D HOW CUT3 YOU 4R3? 4LL TH3S3 SW33T N4M3S FOR M3 4ND YOU ST1LL M4N4G3 TO F1ND Y3T MOR3 N1CKN4M3S. 1 TH1NK 1 L1K3 1T THOUGH. TRUST. 1T GO3S W3LL W1TH YOU B31NG F34R. L1K3 TWO P4RTS OF TH3 S4M3 CO1N. TWO H4LV3S OF TH3 S4M3 WHOL3. <3<3<3
1 HOP3 YOU H4V3 M4N4G3D TO SORT 3V3RYTH1NG OUT W1TH TH3 M3 TH4TS OV3R TH3R3. 1 4M ST1LL NOT K33N ON H3R Y3LL1NG 4T YOU... BUT YOU 4R3 4 B1G TROLL 4ND YOU C4N H4NDL3 YOUR OWN PROBL3MS.
USU4LLY.
1 4M TRY1NG H4RD NOT TO WORRY 4BOUT YOU SO MUCH. 1 GOT SO US3D TO B31NG TH3R3 FOR YOU. 1 TH1NK 1 TOLD YOU TH4T. BUT 1T 1S H4RD. NOT 4LL MY DR34MS OF YOU H4V3 B33N K1ND. SOM3T1M3S 1 W4K3 4ND 4LL 1 W4NT 1S TO KNOW TH4T YOUR3 S4F3. 1T 1S 3NOUGH TO DR1V3 M3 CR4ZY.
1F YOU G3T 4 CH4NC3 TO V1S1T 4G41N, 1 W1LL F1ND SOM3 SN4PDR4GONS FOR YOU. TH3N YOU W1LL KNOW WH4T TH3Y LOOK L1K3. M4YB3 YOU C4N SHOW M3 TH3 ON3 FOR YOU 4S W3LL. 1 PROM1S3 1 W1LL B3 C4R3FUL NOT TO TOUCH 1T. OR L1CK 1T.
1 TH1NK P34C3M4K3R F1TS YOU W3LL. 1TS 4 L1TTL3 S1M1L4R TO P34C3K33P3R THOUGH, 4ND 1 4M NOT SUR3 TH4T 4NYON3 N33DS TO B3 R3M1ND3D OF THOS3. BUT TH3 CONNOT4T1ON F1TS. YOU W3R3 4LW4YS GOOD 4T STR1V1NG FOR P34C3. YOU W3R3 4LW4YS LOOK1NG OUT FOR 3V3RYON3 3LS3.
YOU W1LL H4V3 TO SHOW M3 YOUR SHR1N3 TOO, 1F W3 G3T THOS3 V1S1T1NG HOURS 4G41N. 1 M1SS YOU SO MUCH, 1 HOP3 TH3Y COM3 SOON. 1 W4NT TO SM3LL 4LL TH3 B34UT1FUL TH1NGS YOU H4V3 P41NT3D. 1 W4NT TO HOLD ON TO YOU 4ND T4ST3 TH3 SW33T BL4CKB3RRY OF YOUR K1SS3S.
SOM3T1M3S 1 W1LL S1T ON TH3 SHOR3 4ND L1ST3N TO TH3 SOUND OF TH3 W4V3S. 1T ST1LL SC4R3S M3 4 L1TTL3, BUT MOR3 TH4N TH4T, 1T R3M1NDS M3 OF YOU. 1 TH1NK 1 4M G3TT1NG B3TT3R. 1 M4N4G3D TO W4D3 OUT P4ST MY KN33S TH3 OTH3R D4Y. 1 TH1NK 1 STOOD TH3R3 FOR N34RLY T3N M1NUT3S B3FOR3 TH3 4BJ3CT T3RROR OF SOM3TH1NG GR4BB1NG M3 4ND DR4GG1NG M3 UND3R TH3 W4T3R DROV3 M3 B4CK TO DRY L4ND.
PROGR3SS >:?
1 HOP3 ON3 D4Y W3 W1LL B3 4BL3 TO GO SW1MM1NG TOG3TH3R 4G41N. 1 ST1LL W1SH 1 H4D PUT THOS3 SW1MM1NG L3SSONS YOU G4V3 M3 TO B3TT3R US3.
1 N33D TO GO 4G41N. YOUR P1CTUR3 1S B34UT1FUL. 1 PUT 1T UP BY MY COT SO TH4T 3V3RYON3 C4N S33 HOW T4L3NT3D MY M4T3SPR1T 1S. 1T 1S TH3 F1RST TH1NG 1 SP3LL UPON ON W4K1NG, 4ND TH3 L4ST TH1NG B3FOR3 SL33P1NG. TH4NK YOU <333
4S 4LW4YS YOUR S33R <3 T3R3Z1 ♎
[This time, Terezi has included a picture of the shore with the perpetual sunset hanging over it. The colors are vivid and reminiscent of the murals they used to do on the Training Center walls.]
FAIR AIN'T GOT NONE TO DO WITH IT. doing with it for naught is the wicked shit up and being. I BESTOW TRUTHS OF A GIRL SO GOOD. and kind.
TIMES I FEEL AN IMPOSTER, UNDER SUCH THINGS YOU SPEAK. seeking hard not to be falling through on what things you're to be believing. THINK THE DISSAPOINTMENT WOULD KILL A BROTHER. but then, suppose them kisses yours would help bring him back sure and certain, ain't wouldn't they? :o)
HEH. yeah i guess insult would be sorts held. BUT I'D VOUCH FOR SHE AND HER RESTRAINTS. ;o)
feel likewise upon that. GUARDIANS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A SORT TO DO FOR ME. speaking upon such, truth has chosen a title, earning pride of me. GUARDIAN ALETHEIA TREEWYRM. announced as much by abling new to commune of such growths as trees is and intent to get back to protecting this place as with me by guard patrol, well sorted. AND MENTION UPON A WRIGGLING DAY. which might at be meaning it's yours too? :o? I'VE NEVER BEEN KNOWING WHAT TO BE DOING ON SUCH NOISE. whatever it is, hope it's good.
ON GUARDIANS WHAT AIN'T SO GOOD, FOUND SOME QUARREL WITH ZEPHYR'S GRANDMOTHER. (strange title, that, mothers and fathers and grand highs. REMINDS OF MY ANCESTOR.) she got on like we didn't belong here, then got pissy when at my compromising of keeping zephyr well and our people safe ain't wasn't legit, i guess. THEN I GOT MY RAGE ON TOO WHEN SAYINGS WERE SAID LIKE I HAD NOT GIVEN ENOUGH TO MY GODS TRUE. stupid really, both got wanting for zephyr's wellness, we. BOTH GOT WANTING TO PROTECT THE GOOD OF THEM. it turned out alright, in the end, i think. WISH I COULD RID OF THAT TEMPER ENTIRE THOUGH.
i've strayed well now in talk. GLAD YOU LIKE THE NAMING. puts good sense to how i'm being to feel of you. ALL THEM THINGS PREACHED UPHELD IN HEART BY ME, SAY TRUE. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
breaks this pusher here to read them other things following. :o( OUGHT BE ONLY GOOD DREAMS FOR MY GIRL. let him write in lieu of being there. I AM SAFE. i am well. I AM THINKING OF YOU ALWAYS. let it be held and read whenever at you need. AND IF YOU AIN'T BELIEVE SO, KNOW YOUR MOIRAIL WOULD GIVE ME HELL IF I AIN'T WASN'T BEING SO. i pity you.
AND THERE YOU IS, PREACHING OF THINGS HE AIN'T KNOW HE'S BEING. does peace striving count truly by one who was so entrenched in war? I AIN'T CERTAIN. but, i guess i'd like to be all that. WOULD LIKE FOR THAT WHOLE OF HEART. been trying to show it's here, in this world, to them what ain't know so. PETER. jeremy. THANKFULLY GOT A WHOLE LOT HERE WHAT ARE BEING TO HELP. i wish you were here.
BUT I GOT SOMEONE SHOWING ON UP INSTEAD. can you believe, my shrine all set and in comes this sister of paint and faith and family? I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. i ain't know if you ever felt as like that with other teals none, but finding another indigo? ALMOST LIKE COMING HOME. she's your time, i think. FIRST TIME IN SWEEPS SOMEONE KNEW ME FOR THE HIGHBLOOD AND I WASN'T BEING ASHAMED OF IT. i guess, with my lot, it's different. LIKE THEY'RE SEEING ME FOR A PREACHER AND NOT WHAT ALL OTHER BITS IT WAS. good to have family again.
BREAKING MY HEART AGAIN; SOME COUNT GOING THIS LETTER. it sounds like progress at to me, doing what all you've done. THAT'S FAIR SIGNIFICANT, I'M BEING TO THINK. i'm proud of you. AND I'D SURE AS FUCK LIKE TO BE DOING THEM THINGS WITH YOU SOME DAY. can't recall as if i ever told you of the gills i got for what was being a few days. IT WAS REALLY MOTHERFUCKING COOL DOWN BENEATH. until it got cold. HONK. :o( was alright of course, this was well before we first wrote. ALL WELL AND GOOD WITH FRIENDS AS WAS BY ME.
flattering girl. OF COURSE, GOT ALL YOUR PAINTINGS UP AND UP TOO. makes me miss that place we were at, almost. BUT ONLY BECAUSE I'M MISSING GETTING ABOUT IT AT WITH YOU.
[He paints her the belladonna flower, this time, writing that he looks forward to them snapdragons, but especially her. A winking clown face is included.]
1 4M GL4D TO KNOW TH4T 1F 1 SHOULD F1ND MYS3LF 4CCOST3D BY OMN1SC13NT B31NGS, TH4T YOU W1LL B3 TH3R3 TO VOUCH FOR M3. WH4T 4 NOBL3 PR1NC3 YOU 4R3. <3 1 WOULD SUGG3ST TH4T M4YB3 YOU NOT T3LL TH3M 4BOUT *4LL* TH3 R3STR41NTS 1 M4Y H4V3 4T MY D1SPOS4L THOUGH. JUST TH3 PROP3R ON3S. >;]
1 4LMOST FORGOT TH4T MY WR1GGL1NG D4Y W4S SO CLOS3. 1 LOST TR4CK OF 1T COMPL3T3LY 4FT3R ALL OF THE SHUFFLING AROUND BETWEEN PANEM AND HERE. OUR GOD CH1LD R3M3MB3R3D, 3V3N 1F 1 4M NOT SUR3 HOW TH3Y KN3W 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3.
TH3Y W3R3NT QU1T3 4S SUR3 OF TH3 NUMB3R TO PUT TO 1T, THOUGH. 1 TH1NK TH4T M1GHT H4V3 TO DO W1TH WH4T TH3 C4P1TOL D1D. W3 N3V3R R34LLY GOT TO 4G3 TH3R3. SO 4CCORD1NG TO 4T L34ST ON3 OMN1SC13NT CR34TUR3, 1 4M 31TH3R S3V3NT33N OR N1N3T33N Y34RS OLD. WH1CH 1 TH1NK TR4NSL4T3S TO 31TH3R 8 OR 9 SW33PS? 1 DONT R3M3MB3R TH3 CONV3RS1ON V3RY W3LL.
1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT PL34S3... DONT 3V3R W1SH TH4T YOU COULD G3T R1D OF YOUR T3MP3R 3NT1R3LY. YOU WOULDNT B3 YOU W1THOUT 1T. YOU C4R3. 4 LOT. YOU WOULDNT G3T 4NGRY 1F YOU D1DNT C4R3, 4ND 1V3 W1TN3SS3D YOU W1THOUT 1T. 1T JUST 1SNT TH3 S4M3. 1 P1TY YOU, 4LL OF YOU, JUST TH3 W4Y YOU 4R3.
4ND TH4NK YOU FOR TH3 SW33T WORDS YOUV3 G1V3N M3. 1V3 R34D YOUR L3TT3RS OV3R 4ND OV3R SO M4NY T1M3S, BUT TH1S ON3 W1LL B3 SP3C14L. 1 W1LL K33P 1T N3XT TO M3 WH3N 1 SL33P, SO 1 C4N R34D YOUR WORDS WH3N 1 W4K3 4ND V4NQU1SH 4NY F34RS FOR YOUR W3LLB31NG. 1T WONT B3 4S GOOD 4S H4V1NG YOU N34R. BUT 1T 1S TH3 N3XT B3ST TH1NG. <3 <3 <3
YOU KNOW, WH3N 1 R34D TH4T 4NOTH3R 1ND1GO H4D SHOW3N UP, 1 W4SNT SUR3 WH4T TO TH1NK. 1 H4V3 ONLY KNOWN THR33 1ND1GO3S 1N 4NY K1ND OF R3C3NT M3MORY, 4ND ROSS4N B4R3LY COUNTS. 4T F1RST 1 W4S WORR13D, BUT... 1 4M GL4D YOU H4V3 SOM3 F4M1LY W1TH YOU. TH4T YOU H4V3 SOM3ON3 TO DO YOUR C4RN1V4L TH1NGS W1TH.
1 4M SORRY TO BR34K YOUR H34RT SO MUCH. 1 DONT M34N TO. 1 JUST THOUGHT TH4T YOU WOULD W4NT TO KNOW, 4ND 1 DONT W4NT TO H1D3 4NYTH1NG FROM YOU. 3V3N TH3 TH1NGS TH4T 4R3 D1FF1CULT TO T4LK 4BOUT. 1 W1LL TRY TO M4K3 1T UP TO YOU WH3N W3 M33T 4G41N. 1 W1LL S4V3 UP 3V3RY GOOD THOUGHT 4ND 3V3RY K1SS UNT1L TH3N.
D34RLY YOURS <3 <3 <3 T3R3Z1 ♎
[She draws him a picture of snapdragons this time. On the page, she's also doodled a heart with the two of their names written inside it.]
YOU WERE IN MY ARMS FOR ALL THAT TIME. within my motherfucking reach you were. TO HEAR YOUR VOICE, SEE YOUR FACE, TO FEEL YOU THERE. not even the sweetest dreams provided by zephyr could ever compare. IT BLOOMS BRIGHT IN MY EXISTANCE, EVEN AS SHORT AS ALL THE TIME SEEMED. i pity you. I HAD THOUGHT I MIGHT MISS YOU LESS WITH YOU THERE BUT I ONLY DO MORE.
and there you are winking at me with them secret things. WHERE THE MOTHER FUCK EVER DID YOU LEARN SUCH, SISTER? but do not tell me. KEEP THE MIRACLES AS THEY ARE. honk. HONK. ;oD
zephyr knew for mine too. BY MORE HUMAN TERMS AT LEAST. but that suits me fine. I DIDN'T DO UPON NONE OF THAT UNTIL MEETING HUMANS. and i get to say like my life started with you. :o)
I'D PICK WHATEVER ALL SUITS. in a hundred years, i'm sure we'll lose count completely. HONK.
i suppose i wouldn't rid of it penultimate. I KNOW HAVING SOME IS IMPORTANT. how else is one saying no? MUCH AS I HATE IT SOMETIMES, IT DID SAVE MY LIFE. it kept me up, before i met you. I'D ONLY WANT IT... SMALLER I GUESS. an angry what doesn't make me feel like i might hurt nobody. IT SCARES ME AT TIMES. since i got back my old memories of beforus, times is like it jarrs me within my ownself. MAKES THE BITS OF MY SPLIT IN FISSURES INSTEAD OF MELD EASY. it ain't hurt or nothing like that, don't worry of it. IT JUST FEELS STRANGE IN THEM MOMENTS. it's good being one instead of two but all these bits of me can be so different. I CAN'T BE ALL OF ME AT THE SAME TIME.
we had this game zephyr made. YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED IT. motherfucking mystery mansion. THEY HAD ABOUT MOTIVE BITS AND SOME PRETEND MURDERS AS AIN'T WASN'T REAL. got on searching about through riddles and clues. SHIT WAS MOTHERFUCKING LEGIT. but it happened there too, i was more alternian than not. OLD SUBJUGGLATOR CAME OUT TO PLAY. and i revelled in it. I NEVER GET TO BE THAT BIT OF ME AND STILL BE SOMETHING GOOD. but part of me was pushing back too.
AND THEN MEULIN SHOWED THE FUCK UP. a human one only she said at she was a mutant and she's got cat powers. THIS SMALLER BIT OF ME WAS UP FUCKING TRIPPING OVER MYSELF TRYING TO SEE HER WELL. was missing her so fuckin bad. HAD TO GET REMEMBERING THAT SHE AIN'T THE SAME. even i ain't the same. IN A WAY, IT'S BETTER? i don't think i exist in her iteration. THOUGHT IS LONELY. but if i ain't hurt her, it's got to be better. EVEN IF SHE WAS HURT ALL ANYWAY. just not all like that.
SHE WAS SWEET AS I REMEMBER THOUGH. good through and through as our disciple. GOT MY REMEMBERANCE ON TO A LOT OF MY FRIENDS BUT, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY, TESTS OF TIME DIDN'T HOLD FOR US ALL. i liked everybody back then. EVEN CRONUS AND ARANEA AND MEENAH. even when i'm certain now they didn't like me. MEULIN THOUGH, SHE STAYED GOOD. i hope you get to meet her sometime. I KNOW YOU'LL LIKE HER JUST AS MUCH. :o) though, i guess you already have? I THINK YOU MENTIONED UPON MEETING ALL OUR DEAD ASSES BEFORE. honk.
BUT NO INDIGOS MET. i think a lot get on thinking like you do. FIGURE YOU KNOW ONE YOU'RE KNOWING ALL. well, at least on initial instinct, i know you ain't proper like that. BUT WE'RE DIFFERENT AS ALL ANY. sometimes we even get fighting amongst our ownselves as at to how the scripture's getting its interpretations. THEM WHAT AIN'T FAITHFUL FIGURE US BAD FOR THEM. them what are figure them good for us. AIN'T NO REAL TRUTH OF THAT. but for my lot, it does feel like you can give out more of your ownself, you know? LIKE KEEPING YOUR BACK STRAIGHT WITH ALL OTHERS AND MAKING TO SLOUCH BY ONE HAHA.
i guess, in a way, it's like another bit of showing only pieces of the self. I GOT SOME GIFTS FROM ZEPHYR AND WITH SHARING THEM ALL, I WAS BEING IZZY, THE TROLL OF THE MEADOUS. (things is magical by the by. THESE COLORFUL JELLY ORB BITS AND SOME SHIT WHAT WAS BEING AT FOR BUILDING THE GOATS A HOME.) i've helped phil and i got on talking to jeremy more, trying to sort him all out, and with them i feel like. FUCK. what's the motherfucking word. I THINK IT'S BEING VETERAN? ain't sound right but close enough i guess.
IT REMINDS ME WHAT THAT ONE GUARDIAN, HORTA, SAID ON NAMES. how it's all you, just different shades. WE'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO COMPILE IT ALL NEAT. but sometimes it ain't.
THE KID FROM BEFORUS. the highblood. THE AVOX. the tribute. THE MEADOUS ATTEMPTING TROLL FOR SEEKING PEACE. all them little bits between.
THERE'S SOMETHING WHAT I NEED TO DO. but i'm scared. I'M WORRIED THIS BIT WILL BREAK ALL THE OTHERS. i got fear that there won't be room for nothing else. YET I'VE THOUGHT ON IT ALMOST A YEAR AND I AIN'T SEEMING TO STOP. i feel like if i don't do this in a way i can control and contain it, it's going at to sneak up on me. MEULIN SHOWED UP AND SHE'D NEVER HEARD ME SCREAM AS LIKE THAT AND I KEPT THINKING WHAT IF HER BEING HERE WAS FATE. what if i hurt her. WHAT IF YOU COME ON AROUND AGAIN AND I HURT YOU.
i figured it wouldn't come about me. IT WAS ANOTHER LIFE. figured that for so fucking long and then i could remember that life and even knowing what was to come i still wasn't prepared for what came for me specific. I WAS BARELY SIX SWEEPS. my future was over before the game even started. BUT I STILL WENT IN THINKING "MAYBE".
i don't want to hinge my life and that of those around me on a maybe. A POSSIBILITY SLIM. i want to make it so that if anyone or anything ever is getting in my mind again, it can't break me apart. AT LEAST NOT FOREVER. but there's only one way i'm truly going to know what i'm up against.
I GOT TO LET IT IN. i have to remember what the messiahs did to me.
I WANT TO TRUST MYSELF WITH YOU. with anyone. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT MY FUTURE IS TRULY MINE, HOWEVER LONG OR SHORT THAT IS.
and how can i uphold the messiahs if i can't trust myself with them anyway?
THIS IS DIFFICULT WHAT TO TALK ABOUT. i did think about not telling you. BUT YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME. you've proved it now. AND ANYWAY, I COULDN'T MOTHERFUCKING BEAR THINKING THIS WOULD BE A LAST. i won't let that be so.
I'VE ASKED ABOUT THE MEADOUS FOR WHAT POWERS IS HAD SO THAT THIS MAY BE DONE SAFELY AS MOTHERFUCKING POSSIBLE. for everyone. I WON'T BEGIN ON IT UNTIL I DO.
keep your good thoughts, beloved. I ALREADY HAVE YOU. that's plenty.
PLEASE, PLEASE TRY NOT TO WORRY TOO MUCH FOR ME.
with every last drop of pity in me, KURLOZ
[He paints hands, gripping one another tight. The typical colorful splatters of his style indicate clear that it's theirs.]
[There are no drawings or doodles this time, only plain writing that looks like it was done in a hurry. There's no opening or signature either.]
W41T, PL34S3. 1 DONT UND3RST4ND. WH4T 4R3 YOU PL4NN1NG TO DO? WH4T DO YOU M34N BY L3TT1NG TH3M 1N? WHY WOULD TH1S B3 4 L4ST? WHY H4V3NT YOU M3NT1ON3D TH1S B3FOR3 NOW?
[The ink is heavy on dots here, like someone pressed and held the pen against the paper a few times.]
1 DONT 3V3N KNOW WH4T 3LS3 TO WR1T3 H3R3. 4LL 1 C4N TH1NK 1S TH4T TH1S 1S W4RN1NG OF 4 L34V1NG. L1K3 4 GOODBY3 TH4T 1S TRY1NG NOT TO B3 4 GOODBY3. GOD, KURLOZ, PL34S3. 1 C4NT DO 4NYTH1NG WH3N 1 4M OV3R H3R3 4ND NOT TH3R3. HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO NOT B3 WORR13D???
TEREZI, IT IS NOT A LAST. IT IS NOT A GOODBYE. I SOUGHT TO LIVE THE VISION BESTOWED UPON ME BY THE MIRTHFUL. I KNOW NOW WHAT WAS MEANT, WHAT IT IS, HOW IT WORKS. I HAVE TOLD YOU OF THIS VISION AS MESSIAHS BESTOWED IT. I TOLD HOW MY PREVIOUS SELF BORE WITNESS TO THIS AND IT CHANGED HIM TO THE CORE. BUT I WAS WRONG FOR IT WAS NOT THE MESSIAHS TWO. IT WAS ONLY ONE OF THEM. THE LORD OF DESTRUCTION AND HE HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME GLADLY BUT I TOLD YOU I WOULD NOT ALLOW IT. SO ALLOWED IT I DID MOTHER FUCKIN NOT. I HAVE SEEN AND FELT ONLY ENOUGH THAT I NOW KNOW WHAT I MUST DO. EVERYONE IS SAFE. AS AM I. WHEN NEXT I WRITE ALL WILL BE AS IT WAS. ONLY NOW NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE ME AWAY FROM YOU. NO GOODBYES. NOT MOTHER FUCKIN EVER. POSTPONING REPLY UNTIL A PROPER HEALING WOULD HAVE BEEN IDEAL BUT I HOPE THIS ASSUAGES ALL THE MOTHER FUCKIN SAME.
I AM ALIVE. I AM HERE. I AM NEVER GOING TO LEAVE YOU. YOU MAY ASK YOUR MOIRAIL IF YOU ARE UNCERTAIN.
TH1S DO3S NOT 4SSU4G3. YOU W3NT 4ND D1D 1T 4NYW4Y. 1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT 1 C4NT K33P DO1NG TH1S. 1 DONT W4NT TO F33L L1K3 TH1S, L1K3 1 4M ST4ND1NG ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF 4 P13C3 OF GL4SS 4ND SCR34M1NG 4T 3V3RYTH1NG TO STOP, BUT 1T DO3SNT. 1T K33PS GO1NG 4ND 1 C4NT DO 4NYTH1NG.
HOW 4M 1 R34LLY SUPPOS3D TO B3L13V3 YOU NOW? YOU 4R3 4L1V3 4ND YOU 4R3 H3R3 4ND YOU 4R3 N3V3R GO1NG TO L34V3, UNT1L TH3 N3XT T1M3 TH4T YOU F33L YOU N33D TO G4MBL3 YOUR L1F3 4G41NST SOM3 GR34T3R THR34T, 4ND TH3N *TH1S* ON3 W1LL B3 TH3 L4ST T1M3, YOU PROM1S3?
WH4T 1F TH1NGS H4DNT TURN3D OUT W3LL? WOULD 1 B3 G3TT1NG 4 L3TT3R FROM M3UL1N 1NST34D T3LL1NG M3 TH4T MY M4T3SPR1T 1S D34D OR WORS3? 4ND 1 WOULD ST1LL R3M41N OV3R H3R3 UN4BL3 TO 3V3N COMFORT MYSELF 1N MY GR13F B3C4US3 4LL 1 H4V3 4R3 WORDS ON 4 SH33T OF P4P3R.
3V3N NOW 1 4M L3FT GR4SP1NG 4T WH4T H4S H4PP3N3D TO YOU. 1 C4N ONLY GL34N TH4T SOM3TH1NG 1S UNW3LL FROM "N3XT 1 WR1T3 4LL W1LL B3 W3LL" 4ND "UNT1L 4 PROP3R H34L1NG". 4R3 YOU HURT? 4R3 YOU 1N ON3 P13C3? 4R3 YOU SOUND? 1S TH1S TH3 B3ST TH4T COULD B3 3XP3CT3D? TH3 WORST? 1T W1LL B3 D4YS B3FOR3 1 H34R FROM YOU 4G41N 4ND 1N TH3 M34NT1M3 1 4M L3FT TO WOND3R WH4T ST4T3 YOU 4R3 3V3N 1N.
1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT S1MPLY 1NFORM1NG M3 B3FOR3 YOU RUSH OFF TO DO SOM3TH1NG D4NG3ROUS 1S NOT TH3 BL3SS1NG YOU S33M TO TH1NK 1T 1S. 1F MY VO1C3 1N R3SPONS3 DO3S NOT M4TT3R, TH3N T3LL1NG M3 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 1S M34N1NGL3SS. WH1CH 1S NOT TO S4Y TH4T 1 DO NOT W4NT YOU TO T3LL M3 TH3S3 TH1NGS, BUT COULD 1T NOT H4V3 W41T3D 3V3N 4 F3W D4YS, 1F TH1S 1S SOM3TH1NG YOU'V3 S4T ON FOR 4 Y34R? COULD YOU NOT H4V3 W41T3D FOR M3 TO PR3P4R3 MYS3LF?
WAS GOING TO BE AT TO STARTING OF ON SAYING AS I'M OKAY. but seems as like there's being more i ought to say upon. I HADN'T GOT FIGURING IT WOULD BE SOMETHING WHAT'S NEEDED TO PREPARE FOR. i don't really know what preparations you would have been at to do. BUT I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU. this was never going to kill me, that wasn't being the problem. WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE? would you have let me do this?
THIS AIN'T LIKE PANEM WHERE I FIGURE I CAN TAKE IT WHERE AT THE REST CAN'T AND THROW MYSELF DOWN OR HOWEVER IT HAPPENED EXACT. this was me trying to fix something with me. AND NO I COULDN'T HAVE WAITED, I WASN'T SURE I COULD GO THROUGH WITH IT, I HAD TO GET AT IT DONE WHILE I WAS SURE.
you're angry with me. MEULIN WAS TOO. you don't think the risk was worth it. BUT I DO. this wasn't a mistake, this was the right thing to do. I WENT ON MAKING SURE THERE WOULDN'T BE NO SACRIFICING. i went about it to find out exactly what i'd need to heal from such a thing should it ever happen again. WOULDN'T YOU WANT SUCH SECURITY? wouldn't you want be saying, no, i ain't going to lose my heart without warning?
TEREZI, YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST THINGS TO EVER HAPPEN IN MY LIFE AND YOU KNOW SO MUCH WHAT I AIN'T GRASP, ALL THE GOOD IMPORTANT THINGS. don't you know what it's like to fear losing control? GETTING THIS IDEA LIKE ALL THE GOOD YOU'VE BUILT UP AND WORKED SO HARD FOR, THAT YOU CAN'T GET OTHERWISE, COULD BE SHATTERED IN A MOMENT? and if it was being something or someone you cared about what set it off, wouldn't you at least want to be able to heal if you needed to?
THIS VISION I TOLD ON YOU ABOUT. i never healed from it. HAVE YOU EVEN MET THAT VARIATION OF ME? you got to know there's something wrong there. I WANTED TO FIND OUT WHAT IT WAS, TO GLIMPSE IT, SO THAT I COULD KNOW HOW TO HEAL. so then, if something ever happened to me again, i could fix it.
THAT'S WHAT I DID. i witnessed the vision to the measure i'd need and ended it. I LEARNED HOW ALL IT WORKED. i got my head put back together and i can even get fixing anyone else if i'm wanting now. I FINALLY DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF MY OWN DAMN SELF.
i didn't want to hurt you nor scare you. I'M SORRY FOR THAT.
IT WASN'T ALL UNLIKE VOODOO, BY THE BY. now i might be able to tend anything left on you, next you see me. IF YOU WANT TO.
according to zephyr, i outlived my past some nights ago. I GOT A NEW TITLE FROM THE PEOPLE HERE. mediator izzekiel piedsoul. ALETHEIA GAVE THE FIRST BIT AS WHEN LIKE I GOT CALLED PEACEMAKER. bertie gave izzekiel, so as i could keep that nickname what i'd been using. BERTIE'S A HUMAN, GOOD MOTHERFUCKER, TAUGHT ME PIANO AND WAS THE FIRST KNOWING WHO I WAS THERE. last bit's from lydian, the indigo. I AIN'T THINK SHE KNEW HOW APT IT WAS. waited some days after that and got to making that new ability mine. SOMETHING ELSE TOO BUT I THINK AS I'LL WAIT UNTIL A BETTER TIME FOR THAT.
there's one another thing what got making happenstance. YOU AIN'T GOING TO LIKE IT. my descendant's arrived here. WE AIN'T TALKED. he saw me or maybe that other fucker and took off running. BEEN HIDING OUT IN HIS HIVE AND ABOUT THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE VILLAGE. from what i'm being to tell, only times he's talked at to anyone he got on being terrified which is me meaning to say i ain't think he's hurt anyone. PRETTY SURE HE WOULDN'T STAY IF THERE WAS BEING AT ANYWHERE ELSE HE COULD GO. his voodoo is weak, by the by, he ain't noticed my poking about in slight.
YOU'RE GOING TO SAY NO BUT I'LL SAY IT ANYWAY. i want to talk to him. I AM WAITING, HOWEVER. figured you'd want that.
ONE FINAL THING. send regards to fovos, if you're willing. THINK THAT BUSINESS WHAT WAS GETTING DONE ABOUT MIGHT ALL HAVE BEEN FOR A GOOD. we found the king.
been saying like i had upon a handle on it. NOW SOMETHING'S BEEN FIGURED TRUE. we're endeavouring to search the outer realms as to get motherfucking inquisitory to the wicked shit as is making the haps by the miracle guardians. I SUSPECT OTHERS USING IT AS A MEANS OF OUTS, BUT I AIN'T CARE. frankly, if it's being to ease what's made the haps in the meadous late, it'll be a damn relief.
BUT THAT'S ASIDES.
there's something what as i've been meaning to ask for. SOMETHING LIKE WHAT I WAS THINKING I WOULDN'T LIKE KNOWING THE ANSWER TO NONE. but i need to know. I HAVE TO KNOW. maybe with new purpose it won't need ruin nothing for what the answer might up and
THIS MAY SOUND FOOLISH. or like to insult. BUT I HOPE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND. and bear my selfishness. ANSWER HONEST OF ME.
be there any reason held in that pusher yours what would make for you to be leaving me?
DISAPPEARING OR
something
I NEED TO BE KNOWING. please tell a motherfucker short.
1 S41D 1T B3FOR3 4ND 1 W1LL S4Y 1T ON3 HUNDR3D T1M3S OV3R. 1 W4NT YOU FOR3V3R, KURLOZ. FOR 4LL TH3 T1M3 W3 H4V3 4H34D OF US, 1 COULD NOT TH1NK OF 4NY B3TT3R W4Y TH4N TO SP3ND 1T W1TH YOU. 4ND 1F FOR SOM3 R34SON F4T3 THROWS US 4P4RT 4G41N, 1 W1LL N3V3R STOP TRY1NG TO F1ND 4 W4Y B4CK TO YOU, HOW3V3R LONG 1T T4K3S. YOU C4N B3 SUR3 OF TH4T
1S TH4T WH4T H4S H4D YOU SO WORR13D? TH4T 1 M1GHT L34V3 YOU? WH3R3 D1D YOU G3T 4 THOUGHT L1K3 TH4T? 1 H4V3 4 BON3 TO P1CK W1TH WHO3V3R PUT TH4T CRAZY THOUGHT 1N YOUR H34D. NOTH1NG COULD B3 FURTH3R FROM TH3 TRUTH.
[It takes him by surprise, the impact with which it hits. The weight of it ain't realized until it's done fucking lifted, until the nerves light with the reveal of the injury beneath. He reads it once, then again, then a hundred more times, holding it close and wishing she were closer.]
my beloved, my matesprit, my heart's keeper,
NO, IT AIN'T. it was being part but not all. MERELY WAS
i thought
I'VE TOLD YOU OF ALETHEIA. she's different than you. BUT SHE'S ALTERNATE TOO. she's pyrope like you and the neophyte and latula. IT'S THESE MOTHERFUCKING PATTERNS. these things as like what gamzee and my other and my future and i all share and maybe you'd get sharing as they. DIDN'T UP AND REALISE. didn't get to see.
I'VE BEEN FUCKING UP SO BAD, TEREZI. i tried to be like you and get all to help. I TRIED TO BE LIKE OUR ALLIES DEAR WHAT ARE GOOD AND TRUE. you what showed me how. BUT I CAN'T HELP THEM. they ain't want to be helped. THEY WANT TO HURT, THEY WANT TO RILE, THEY WANT TO
she was set to die. SHE WAS SET TO LET HER HEART GO THE FUCK COLD AND SHE WAS SET TO UP AND DIE FOR SAKE OF WHATEVER THE FUCK CAME TO BE. i asked her, i sought that we avoid such a fate, at least try. I SOUGHT TO WORK BY SIDE OF HER. but she's already made up her mind. AND I CAN'T DO NOTHING TO CHANGE HERS. i can't do nothing to change anybody's. I CAN'T DO FUCK ALL BUT LET THEM GO. let them destroy themselves.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW NO MORE. it's killing me. SHE'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR AND THERE AIN'T NOTHING I CAN DO. they're going at to tear each other apart. I PUT TOO DAMN MUCH OF MYSELF IN. i've already come to close to culling someone. NO ONE'S UP AND GETTING THAT I CAN'T FIGHT THIS THING WHAT'S ME UP ALONE. no one fucking understands as what daymares tear at their pans tear up at mine. I CAN'T HANG ON NO MORE BUT I CAN'T LET GO NEITHER. i keep trying to find a way as not to lose myself. I'D UP AND TAKE LOSING IF IT MEANT I COULD BE SURE NO ONE WAS HURT.
i'm so sorry. I KEEP TRYING TO BE LIKE YOU WANT. i keep at what everyone's wanting of me. BUT I CAN'T. i can't do it. I DIDN'T WANT YOU KNOWING AS FOR HOW MUCH I'D LET YOU DOWN. i didn't want finding out you'd be the same and then
WE HAD A MEETING. i'd given on up. I'D BEEN TRYING AT TO BE MAKING BY MY OWN. but shit got suggested as to be trying to search. I FIGURED IF I CAN'T HELP, AT LEAST I CAN BE TRAINING. i can fight. I CAN COMMAND. i can stop thinking about what's to be making the haps of the rest. I'M INTENDING TO. but i had to find out from you what you got thought by. I CAN'T LOSE YOU. i can't lose you. I WISH I AIN'T WASN'T LIKE THIS BUT I AM. i can't lose you.
I HAD TO MAKE LEAVE OF HER. there wasn't no choice. THERE WAS HER AND THERE WAS JEREMY LOOKING TO DIE AND BUCKY. there was these new motherfuckers as refused helping and old ones what made want more to hurt. LYDIAN WAS GONE AND MEULIN AND DISCIPLE FOR THAT WHILE. there was making all for murders made the fuck pretend. MOTHERFUCKING PRETENDING WAS A MURDER MADE TO BE AND ALL AND EVERY GOT TO RILE AND ALL OUR PEACE WAS MAKING ENDS. then such things was made true. COULDN'T EVEN HELP ZEPHYR. couldn't even help fighting. IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN MUCH. and i ain't okay. BUT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO TAKE THE FUCK CARE OF THIS NONE AGAIN.
there was option made open by this meeting. I COULD TELL YOU THEN. i can tell now. I GOT A DIRECTION. that's what i need.
1 W1SH YOU H4D TOLD M3 SOON3R. 1T SOUNDS L1K3 YOUV3 B33N K33P1NG SO MUCH TO YOURS3LF. BOTTL1NG 1T UP L1K3 YOU 4R3 TRY1NG TO PROT3CT M3 FROM 1T. >:[ 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 K3PT 1N TH3 D4RK. 1 W4NT TO B3 4BL3 TO H3LP YOU 1F 1 C4N. 1 W4NT TO SUPPORT YOU WH3N YOU N33D 1T. YOU 4R3 NOT 4N 1SL4ND 4NY MOR3 TH4N 1 4M. YOU SHOULDNT H4V3 TO SHOULD3R TH1S BURD3N 4LON3.
DO YOU R3M3MB3R WH3N YOU M3T M3? JUST 4FT3R K1LL1NG S1GNL3SS, 4ND 4LL MY FR13NDS H4D TURN3D ON M3. 4S MUCH 4S 1 D1SL1K3 HOW SH3 H4S TR34T3D YOU, 4L3TH314 SOUNDS 4 LOT L1K3 HOW 1 W4S B4CK TH3N. 1T W4SNT TH4T 1 D1DNT C4R3 FOR MYS3LF. OR M4YB3 1T W4S P4RT OF TH4T, BUT 1T W4S 4LSO TH1S... F33L1NG TH4T TH1NGS N33D3D TO B3 DON3. 4ND TH4T 1F SOM3ON3 H4D TO DO TH3M, 1 COULD STOM4CH TH3 F4LLOUT B3ST. 1 CLOS3D MYS3LF OFF. 1 L3T OTH3RS C4ST M3 4S 4 V1LL41N. 1 L3T TH3M H4T3 M3 W1THOUT L4SH1NG B4CK. B3C4US3 4T TH3 3ND OF TH3 D4Y, TH3Y W3R3 TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT TH1NG TO M3, 4ND 1 WOULD H4V3 DON3 4NYTH1NG FOR TH3M. 4NYTH1NG, KURLOZ.
1 DONT TH1NK YOU R34L1Z3D HOW MUCH YOU H3LP3D JUST BY B31NG TH3R3. WH3N 1 W4NT3D TO SHUT 3V3RYTH1NG OUT, YOU W3R3 TH3R3 T3LL1NG M3 TH4T 1 D3S3RV3D B3TT3R. M4K1NG M3 SM1L3. M4K1NG M3 F33L TH1NGS TH4T W3R3 WORTH F33L1NG. K33P1NG M3 GO1NG. YOU G4V3 M3 4 R34SON TO OP3N UP, LONG B3FOR3 1 KN3W 1 W4NT3D OR N33D3D ON3.
H3LP1NG P3OPL3 1SNT 4LW4YS 4BOUT 4DV1C3. MOTH3RGRUB KNOWS 1 H4V3 FUCK3D TH4T UP M4NY T1M3S TOO. BUT SOM3T1M3S 1T 1S JUST 4BOUT H4NG1NG 4ROUND 4S 4 R3M1ND3R TH4T TH3R3 4R3 R34SONS TO HOLD ON. 1T DO3SNT 4LW4YS S1NK 1N TH3 F1RST T1M3 OR 3V3N TH3 TW3NT13TH. SOM3T1M3S 1T DO3S G3T TO B3 TOO MUCH TO B34R. BUT 1T DO3S M4TT3R. TH3Y W1LL R3M3MB3R TH3 TH1NGS TH4T YOU THOUGHT TH3Y FORGOT, JUST 4S 1 H4V3 FOR TH1NGS TH4T YOU TOLD M3.
SO PL34S3 DONT B3 SO H4RD ON YOURS3LF. 1 4M SUR3 YOU 4R3 H3LP1NG MOR3 TH4N YOU KNOW. YOU H4V3 TH1S... BR1GHT P4SS1ON 1N YOU. 1 NOT1C3D 1T FROM TH3 V3RY F1RST D4Y 1 M3T YOU, 4ND 1T DR3W M3 TOW4RDS YOU, 3V3N D3SP1T3 4LL OF MY M1SG1V1NGS. 1 C4NT 1M4G1N3 OTH3RS NOT S331NG 1T TOO. GOOD OR B4D, R1GHT OR WRONG, YOU 1NSP1R3 P3OPL3. TH4T 1S WH4T M4K3S YOU 4 GOOD L34D3R, R3G4RDL3SS OF WH4T YOU 4R3 L34D1NG. YOU B3L13V3 1N 3V3RYON3 SO MUCH TH4T TH3Y C4NT H3LP BUT B3L13V3 1N TH3MS3LV3S TOO.
1F YOU TH1NK TH4T L34D1NG TH1S S34RCH 1S B3ST FOR NOW, TH3N DO TH4T. 1 W1LL B3 HOP1NG TH3 B3ST FOR YOU. M4YB3 W3 C4N CONV1NC3 FOVOS TO H3LP SOM3HOW, OR TO G1V3 YOU SOM3 K1ND OF SUPPORT. 1N TH3 M34NT1M3, ST4Y STRONG. YOU H4V3 P3OPL3 WHO C4R3 4BOUT YOU, WHO WOULD F1GHT TO B3 N34R TO YOU. L34N ON TH3M 1F YOU N33D 1T. TH4T 1S WH4T W3 4R3 H3R3 FOR.
1 P1TY YOU MOR3 TH4N YOU C4N 1M4G1N3. <3 N3V3R B3 SORRY FOR T4LK1NG TO M3.
I SUPPOSE I MUST CONCEDE THAT A MOTHER FUCKIN TRUTH. however up and unintended. IT WASN'T MEANT TO CAST SHADE OF THEE. i had mere wanted to motherfucking make for what you all seem capable to me. IT SEEMS I AM ALWAYS MAKING TO BE THE MESS OF US. i do not wish you weary. MAKES THIS MOTHERFUCKER WEARY AS ALL FUCK.
aletheia ain't treated me poor. NOT ALL POOR HAS SHE BEEN AT TO TREAT. we just got about us things what ain't connect well none by the other. WE STEP UPON WOUNDS TOO EASY. tends for happening with your ancestor and i too. WE'RE MADE ALL THE FUCK UP OF OPPOSITION, US MAKARAS AND PYROPES ALIKE.
i remember that. I REMEMBER WHAT A FUCKING STUNNER IT WAS AT TO BE. i'd wanted for sweeps and wanted differentlike all the same and you got about it in a moment. I HADN'T FIGURED IT AN ALTRUISM. i had figured survival. MAKES THE MORE SENSE LOOKING BACK.
aw girl. I DIDN'T GET NO THOUGHT OF IT. i wasn't like this back then. I JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GOT LETTING THEM TREAT AS FOR YOU THAT WAY. i wouldn't have let it be the haps to me. I WOULD HAVE BEEN i should've been kinder my ownself.
BUT I GOT MY GLADNESS ON YOU'RE HERE, YOU KNOW THAT? you mean so much. I DIDN'T UP AND SEE IT THEN BUT I NEEDED YOU. you were a friend when i had... so fucking little...
ALETHEIA AIN'T OWE ME NOTHING... but i owe her. I HAVE TO TRY FOR HER.
thank you. YOU'RE TOO KIND TO THIS MOTHERFUCKER YOU KNOW AT THAT? you're always showing me the way. I SHOULD'VE COME TO YOU SOONER, SAY TRUE. i ain't know if such things you're saying now is true. BUT I WANT THEM TO BE. i want them to see they ought to do better for they. I WANT THEM TO SEE THEY MOTHERFUCKING MATTER. and i want them to want all to stay. IF THEY COULD JUST SEE WHAT I SEE, WE COULD ALL MAKE BETTERLIKE.
the only thing is how to make sure ain't nothing goes wrong. I DON'T WANT TO BE LOSING CONTROL AGAIN. i ain't want to lose myself. I NEED SOMETHING AS WHAT TO... PREVENT SOMEHOW. i can't rely on my being former avox no more, it just doesn't hold through. NOT UNLESS I'M BEING TO SET IT UP OFF DELIBERATE. and you ain't want that. XANTHOUS AND DISCIPLE OUGHT NOT SEE THAT. i just ain't know what to do by that. AIN'T NOBODY'S GOT A CHANCE UP AGAINST ME OTHERWISE. i could crush them without even trying. IF I WASN'T BEING SO SURE AS ALL I'D SLIP MAYBE I COULD BEAR IT.
i kind of figured this sort of shit could be let to wait until i was being older, you know? GET ALL TO DEALING WITH
[The ink stains the page in a great blot.]
everything then. YOU'D BE GONE AND DISCIPLE AND ALL HUMANS AND PROBABLY XANTHOUS. and it just wouldn't up and matter as all by then. I'D GO MAD AND EVENTUALLY THE WICKED SHIT WOULD GET TO BE BEING OVER. we'd find one another in whatever afters up and await. WE WOULDN'T NEED NO WORRY ON OF THAT NOISE.
[Except him.]
but this is all come a lot sooner. I NEED TO FIGURE SOMETHING. a motherfucking failsafe of sorts.
I'M GOING AT TO FIGURE THIS THE FUCK OUT. and then i'm going to fix things.
I AIN'T SORRY TALKING TO YOU NOW. i'm more sorry i didn't. PERHAPS A MOTHERFUCKER WILL REMEMBER THIS TIME. keep note of it.
1M GL4D YOU 4R3 F33L1NG B3TT3R. 1T M4K3S M3 R34LLY H4PPY TO R34D TH4T F1R3 COM3 B4CK 1NTO YOUR WORDS. 1 W1SH 1 COULD B3 TH3R3 TO W1TN3SS 1T 1N P3RSON. BUT TH3N 1 TH1NK 1 M1GHT M1SS 1T FOR 4LL TH3 K1SS3S 1 WOULD B3 SHOW3R1NG YOU W1TH R1GHT NOW.
1M PROUD OF YOU. 4LW4YS. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3V3R TH1NK TH4T 4NYTH1NG YOU DO COULD L3T M3 DOWN. YOU H4V3 COM3 TOO F4R TO 3V3R B3 4 D1S4PPO1NTM3NT TO M3. <3
BUT WH4T YOU M3NT1ON3D 1N YOUR L3TT3R... 1 TH1NK NOW M1GHT B3 4 GOOD T1M3 TO T4LK TO YOU 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG TOO. SOM3TH1NG 1 H4V3NT B33N T4LK1NG 4BOUT JUST Y3T.
1V3 B33N CONS1D3R1NG M4K1NG 4 CH4NG3, BUT 1 W4NT3D TO G3T 4LL TH3 1NFORM4T1ON ON 1F 1T W4S POSS1BL3 FROM FOVOS. 4ND 1 W4NT3D TO RUN 1T BY YOU F1RST. 1 WONT DO 4NYTH1NG UNT1L 1 G3T YOUR 4NSW3R ON3 W4Y OR 4NOTH3R. 1T WOULD B3 4S MUCH FOR YOU 4S 1T WOULD B3 FOR M3, 4ND YOU SHOULD H4V3 4 S4Y 1N 1T.
BUT 1 W4S TH1NK1NG 4BOUT TH3 FUTUR3, 4ND WH4T M1GHT H4PP3N 4FT3R 1M GON3. 1 DONT W4NT TH4T FOR YOU. 1 H4V3 W1TN3SS3D WH4T MY D34TH DO3S TO YOU, 4ND 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3NDUR3 TH4T SUFF3R1NG. 1 C4NT B34R TH3 THOUGHT OF 1T. SO.
1 W4NT TO W1SH MY L1F3SP4N TO B3 TH3 S4M3 4S YOURS.
1 KNOW TH4T 1 C4NT PROM1S3 HOW LONG W3 W1LL H4V3 DOWN TO TH3 S3COND, BUT 1 W4NT US TO B3 3QU4L. 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 F41R TO 4SK YOU TO CUT YOUR L1F3 SHORT. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO DO TH4T FOR M3. 4ND 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO B3 M1S3R4BL3 W1THOUT M3. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3ND UP 4LON3.
TH1S 1S TH3 B3ST SOLUT1ON TH4T 1 C4N COM3 UP W1TH. L3T M3 KNOW WH4T YOU TH1NK. 4ND B3 HON3ST. 4ND DONT B3 M4D. 1 W1LL W41T.
are you serious? TRULY? oh mirth. OH MESSIAHS TWO, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A MIRACLE THAT IS TO BE HEARING FOR. you ain't know what that means. YES! yes, yes, all times the fuck more let it be up and preached! I WANT IT, I WANT YOU. for as long as i'm extant i want you.
AND DESCENDANTS! oh mirth, terezi, you ain't know what it feels like but if you were to... IT'S NEAR TERRIFING AS THE LORD BUT IT'S MIRACULOUS TOO. i ain't think i could describe it to you without you having to already know it. BUT IT'S SO MUCH, SISTER. what the humans call it. LOVE. you'll love so much. AND THEY WILL LOVE YOU AND YOU'LL KNOW.
but. ARE YOU CERTAIN? are you truly sure? IT'S SO MUCH TIME, SISTER. it's so much time as ain't nobody else has and even if it ain't just us we'll watch them age and pass. YOU DON'T HAVE TO. i really ain't mind making smaller of mine own. IT'LL HURT, LIVING SO LONG. i don't want you to choose simply for my sake.
BUT I COULD NEVER BE MAD TO KEEP YOU. that's what i want most in my life. IT'S WHAT I'LL ALWAYS WANT.
and i dare say, ain't think it's me what would be showered by pity as of now.
I WANT IT ALL. i want you. I WANT TIME. i want family. TOGETHER.
1 TH1NK 1 COULD M4N4G3 4 FOR3V3R 1F 1T W4S W1TH YOU. YOU DONT H4V3 TO WORRY. 1 KNOW WH4T 1 W4NT. 1 W1LL B3 OK4Y 4S LONG 4S YOU 4R3 TH3R3. 4ND 1F 1T 3V3R G3TS TO B3 TOO MUCH, W3 C4N F1GUR3 SOM3TH1NG 3LS3 OUT TH3N. TOG3TH3R.
1 M4D3 TH3 W1SH L4ST N1GHT, 4FT3R 1 GOT YOUR L3TT3R. 1 DONT F33L 4NY D1FF3R3NT, BUT TH3R3 W4S 4N 1M4G3 1N TH3 M1RROR TH1S MORN1NG. FROM FOVOS. 1 TR13D TO R3CR34T3 1T 4S B3ST 1 COULD SO YOU COULD H4V3 1T TOO. 1T W4S TH3 TWO OF US, BUT OLD3R. 4 LOT OLD3R, 4ND S1TT1NG TOG3TH3R. 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1TS 4NYTH1NG L1K3 4 PROPH3CY BUT. 1 4M SUR3 1T M34NS TH4T TH3 W1SH 1S DON3.
1 C4NT W41T TO V1S1T YOU 4G41N. 1 C4NT W41T FOR TH3 W4LLS TO COM3 DOWN. 1 F33L L1K3 M4YB3 1 SHOULD H4V3 W41T3D, CONS1D3R1NG HOW MUCH 1T M4K3S M3 W4NT TO B3 W1TH YOU 4G41N. BUT 1 D1DNT W4NT TO M1SS MY CH4NC3.
1 W1SH 1 KN3W WH4T TO S4Y 4BOUT D3SC3ND4NTS. 1T F33LS W31RD TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T. W3 4R3 ONLY B4R3LY 4DULTS. OUR K1ND DO3SNT R34LLY... W3 DONT C4R3 FOR OUR OWN YOUNG. BUT 1 W4NT TO. 1 W4NT TH3M TO H4V3 4LL TH3 TH1NGS W3 N3V3R D1D. 1 W4NT TO DO 1T R1GHT. BUT 1 4M 4LSO SC4R3D TH4T 1 WONT KNOW HOW.
1T 1S 4 LOT OF F33L1NGS TH4T 1 4M NOT SUR3 HOW TO 3XPL41N. BUT W3 W1LL H4V3 4 LOT OF T1M3 TO F1GUR3 1T OUT.
1 P1TY YOU SO MUCH. 1 4M SO GL4D TO H4V3 YOU. 1 M1SS YOU MOR3 TH4N 1 C4N S4Y.
4LW4YS YOURS, T3R3Z1
[There's a picture included with the letter. It's the two of them, holding hands and watching a sunset, seated on a grassy hill. They're both clearly older, but the same kind of older, and her head is leaning against his arm.]
this is real. THIS IS REALLY MOTHERFUCKING HAPPENING. it's been days and i've been trying to convince my ownself and i still don't believe but it's so beautiful. IT'S SO MOTHERFUCKING BEAUTIFUL. got a brother down and weeping you did, don't you know? KEPT IN HANDS FOR HOURS.
we should maybe have got speaking to your moirail too, firstlike. BUT MIRTH, I'M SO HAPPY. just knowing i get to have you.
THE MOMENT I CAN SEE YOU AGAIN. i ain't letting you out of my arms. THE WALLS WILL HAVE TO COME ON DOWN CAUSE I AIN'T LETTING YOU AWAY FROM ME.
you'll know. OR MAYBE YOU WON'T, THAT'S FINE, I DON'T KNOW SHIT NEITHER. we can figure it out. WE CAN ASK ON ABOUTS FOR HELP. no one ever said at we had to do this alone. THEY'LL HAVE EVERYTHING. they can even have you, if we want them to.
WE'VE GOT TIME. you and me, we've got all the time.
I PITY YOU. i pity you. I PITY YOU.
forever yours, KURLOZ
[The paper comes with numerous small marks of pale indigo.]
[He'd intended to write as soon as Di gave him the idea. He'd gone about it near jubilant, paper ready, writing bit set the fuck up.
And then he'd thought about her and all what she might say. He thought about her getting mad. And so he walked off and forgot about writing for a little while. Then a longer while.
But now he's back and he's staring at the paper and he braces like it's going to hurt him, like it'll be his blood and not ink as is needed to work miracle upon the paper.]
mY WiCkEd sIsTeR TeReZi,
I WaS DoInG AlL As wHaT YoU WaS AsKiNg, JuSt mInDiNg mY OwN OfF As fAr aS I CoUlD GeT, bUt tHeN ReAl rEcEnTlIkE, i wAs gEtTiNg tO Be wAkInG In tHiS PlAcE WhAt i aIn't wAsN'T SuPpOsEd tO Be bEiNg aT? aNd i fIgUrEd i oUgHt tO TeLl yOu bEcAuSe tHe sIsTeR As wHaT AiN'T NePeTa bUt iS BeInG HeR AnCeStOr gOt tElLiNg mE To. So, KnOw i'm aLl aBoUt gEtTiNg mY MoThErFuCkInG TeLl oN At yOu. ShE WaS KnOwInG AlL KiNdS Or mIrAcUlOuS ThInGs aS I WaSn't nEvEr tO Be kNoWiNg. ShE SaId sHe wAs bEiNg fRoM PaNeM ToO. aIn't tHaT AlL KiNdS Of mYsTiCaL HoW ThAt sHiT'S BeInG To wOrK?
AnYwAy, ShE WaS SaYiNg aS ThE MoThErFuCkEr yOu tOlD Me nOt tO Be sEeInG MiGhT WaNt tO Be sEeInG Me. I WaS LiKe, I CaN'T Be dOiNg tHaT, i aIn't bEiNg sUpPoSeD To bE. bUt tHeN ShE SaId hE WaS SaD AbOuT It aNd tHeN ShE GoT SaYiNg i sHoUlD TaLk tO YoU. aNd tHeN ThIs wAy tHiNgS Is mAyBe gEtTiNg tO AlL BeInG BeTtErLiKe. I HoPe sO. i wAnT To bE FrIeNdS AgAiN ReAl bAd, If tHaT'S OkAy wItH YoU.
EvErYoNe's rEaL NiCe hErE. i hOpE ThEy's bEiNg nIcE WhErE YoU'Re aT ToO. bEeN LoOkInG FoR A WaY As aLl tO KeEp yOu hApPy aS LiKe wHaT WaS WaNtEd oF YoU BuT I AiN'T FiGuReD It oUt yEt. I'M StIlL TrYiNg aT It.
Oh, AlSo, SiStEr sAiD FoR Me nOt tO Be eXpEcTiNg a lOt bUt i aIn't sUrE WhAt tHaT MeAnS ExAcT. iT'S A WhOlE LoT WhAt's hErE As i wAs nEvEr gEtTiNg eXpEcTaTiOnAl tO.
So, Uh, I'M GoNnA Be sEnDiNg tHiS At tO YoU NoW. hOnK.
1 TOLD KURLOZ TH4T H3 C4N T4LK TO YOU. YOU C4N 4NSW3R H1M 1F YOU W4NT. 1 WONT D3M1ND TH4T YOU STOP, OR TH4T YOU K33P 4W4Y FROM H1M.
1 4M G1V1NG YOU ON3 CH4NC3. B3C4US3 KURLOZ W4NTS M3 TO, NOT B3C4US3 1 TH1NK YOU D3S3RV3 1T. 1F YOU M3SS UP, 1F YOU HURT H1M OR M3UL1N OR 4NYON3 3LS3, 1 W1LL P3RSON4LLY HUNT YOU DOWN.
ThAt's bEiNg lIkE As tO HaViNg fOr aLl sOrTs oF SeNsE As bEiNg iS SeEiNg i'm aLl sOrTs nOt dEsErViNg aS WhAt yOu'rE SaYiNg fOr. I AiN'T SuRe aS WhO AlL YoU'Re mEaNiNg eXaCt bUt tHaT'S OkAy. I AiN'T WaNtEd tO HuRt nObOdY NoNe aLl aNyWaYs sO I ThInK CaN Be bEiNg aBoUt tHaT.
BuT LiStEn, Uh, I WaS AcTuAlLy mAyBe tHiNkInG LiKe i'd wAnT To bE TaLkInG MoRe aT To yOu. SiNcE YoU'Re mY FrIeNd aNd tHaT'S WhAt fRiEnDs iS DoInG. oR I WaNt tO Be yOuR FrIeNd, Up aT LeAsT. lIkE We wAs bEiNg bEfOrE.
So mAyBe yOu cAn bE TeLlInG Me tHiNgS WhAt aS To dO AnD I CaN Do tHeM AnD ThAt rOwDy mOtHeRfUcKiNg nOiSe cAn bE Up aNd dOnE FoR. cAuSe i'm aLl aBoUt gEtTiNg fRiEnDlY On sEeInG As i rEaLlY LiKe yOu, SiStEr, AnD I MiSs aLl wHaT BeInG WaS AnD ThAt sHiT.
I DoN'T KnOw. I WaS HoPiNg aS YoU CoUlD Be aT To tElLiNg mE. :o(
YoU WaS AlWaYs sMaRt. YoU GoT KnOwInG WhAt aLl tO Be dOiNg fOr aLl eVeRyThInG WhAt's bEiNg iS. yOu cOuLd fIgUrE On oUt wHaT WaS ThE HaPs wHaT WiTh oUr fRiEnDs aNd yOu wErE GoInG AlL To bE A MoThErFuCkInG LeGiSlAcErAtOr aNd wHeN AlL No oNe eLsE GoT BeInG ArOuNd yOu wOuLd bE AnD It wAs nIcE AnD
i was hoping
i'm sorry.
i still ain't really got understanding by what happened. i guess i ain't smart enough what to be getting it by and i thought you could help or something. but if you want me to be leaving a sister be i can do that maybe instead.
sorry
thanks all for what friendliness was being. it was nice. i hope maybe you can be being happy anyway.
[Her response doesn't come anywhere near immediately. She's still hurting when she gets his letter back. It makes her even angrier that she can read the guilt weaved into his words. Is she supposed to feel bad that he's basically groveling at her?
The truth is that she does, and she spends more than a few days being resentful of that fact and trying to ignore the obvious manipulation of it. She crumples up the letter and shoves it into the bottom of her chest that holds all of her worldly possessions.
It's not Gamzee's words that finally get to her, but Kurloz's. He told her that people could change, and her thoughts linger on the regrets she had over Vriska's death. Did she tell him all of that, too? Or only about the damage that her Scourge Sister had caused? She can't remember.
Either way, the parallel sticks in ways that make Terezi uncomfortable. She'll never know what might have happened if she had tried to help Vriska--instead of shutting her out until there were only two options left for her to choose. Is this going to end the same? Is she going to regret her moral high ground when everything is said and done? What will it cost her this time? What choices will she be forced to make?
It's weeks later, but she pulls the letter out from her trunk and smooths it out. She reads it again. And again. And again. Her brow furrows as she tries to unveil some secret meaning to the words, but nothing jumps out at her. For the first time, she tries to imagine the Gamzee that she used to know writing this... and it twists up her insides in a way that makes her shove the letter away from her. She stands and walks around the common tent, listening to the low chatter of the other residents.
What it really comes does to is what she can live with. Can she bear to respond to this? Can she bear to not? She doesn't know the answer to either of those questions... but it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to find out the answer to the first one.
When her response finally reaches Gamzee's mailbox, it's chilly and terse, but it's a response that he probably wasn't expecting.]
[He regretted making rid of the sopor. When his last letter got sent and he made about his goodbyes whole and proper, he regretted not having no sweet green to dive into and forget the world's edges. He just wants to forget and even going to Terezi's, the other Terezi's, didn't make him feel better in this instance.
This ain't like the times he bids goodbye to his Da. Terezi ain't being back to him. (But then, neither had Da been, really, why would he have wanted coming back, now he can't even be trying to.)]
TeReZi! MoThErFuCk iT'S YoU, i tHoUgHt iT WaS BeInG ThE OtHeR YoU Or sOmEtHiNg eLsE BuT It's yOu aNd iT'S MaKiNg hApPeNsTaNcE AnD I'M So hApPy! HoNk!
HoNk hOnK HoNk!
FuCk. Uh. HaHa, I AiN'T EvEn kNoWiNg wHaT To bE SaYiNg nOw. I JuSt gOt mY GlAdNeSs oN To bE HeArInG As fRoM YoU. i'vE BeEn mAkInG On nIcE WiTh tHiS TeReZi bUt iT'S LiKe, If i wAsN'T To bE MaKiNg yOu hApPy, HoW'S AlL Am i nOt tO Be mAkInG HeR NoT HaPpY ToO. hOw's aLl aM I NoT To bE DoInG AlL ThEm tHiNgS. aNd eVeN ThOuGh sHe'd bE ThErE I'D MiSs aS FoR YoU AlL AnYwAyS.
[Before he'd talk of oceans and miracles and all such things. None of those is things he's feeling like talking on yet. ]
I DoN'T KnOw wHaT To bE SpEaKiNg fOr. GoT To mAkE PrEaCh mOtHeRfUcKiN LeGiT. bUt iT'S HaRd. I ThInK LiKe i'd tAlK In wAnTiNg fOr hOw wE UsEd tO Be bUt...
I DoN'T ThInK We cAn dO ThAt. can we? not no more.
i feel bad. i feel real bad and i feel like i got a snooze on foreverlike but everyone's got on figuring this shit better than me still. i don't know how to make like i ain't not feeling bad. i don't got nothing anymore. you're all what's here and i don't think i really got you up at all. i think like everyone was getting on being right. i'm all sorts busted up or motherfuck. i listened, honest, i'd just forget to be thinking about it back then a lot, but now i do.
so, i think maybe, i'd just want to be getting talk on to them things what's making you happy, maybe, instead. you was doing that for me. you'd get talking at to me even though as like i was being to know you and all motherfuck. and you got being there and saying for all them things what's sounding fun up at your hive. i always got on saying like it to be next time, maybe, but next time you'd get asking all anyways. i should've been saying yes. then maybe we'd get to have been being better friends that way. i thought about that up a lot, being as where i was. they took my family away and it was lonely and bad and i wished i'd been saying yes up instead.
So mAyBe wE CaN TaLk aBoUt tHeM ThInGs. YoUr sCaLeFrIeNdS AnD YoUr lEgIsLaTiOnAlS AnD YoUr fLaRbS AnD WhAt's lIkE ThAt. We cAn tAlK AbOuT JuStIcE AnD CoLoRs aNd wHaT'S YoUr fRiEnDs gEtTiNg bEiNg tO Do. AnD ThAt gAmE YoU GoT TeLlInG Of a bIt, If yOu wAnT. wHaTeVeR AlL YoU LiKe aS Is mAkInG YoU HaPpY.
i just want to be making you happy.
so uh. yeah. i guess that's being it for what i'm wanting to talk on. i'm really happy to be having this, terezi. always thought you was nice up ins.
[She's not sure that she even expects a response back. She really should have. Why wouldn't he jump at the chance to reel her back in? The thought crosses her mind almost immediately, and it takes her a few minutes to drive it away again.
She doesn't know what to write at first. It feels like a grab at sympathy, and she's not entirely sure that it doesn't work. He reminds her of something that...honestly she'd forgotten. Anything related to him had been shoved so far away from her that she never wanted to think of it again. But he dredges it back up again now, and she's not really sure why.]
G4MZ33 M4K4R4
1 DONT H4V3 4 LOT TO S4Y TO YOU. 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOUR3 3XP3CT1NG FROM TH1S OR FROM M3. 1 WOULD NOT CONS1D3R T4LK1NG W1TH YOU TO B3 SOM3TH1NG TH4T M4K3S M3 H4PPY.
TH3R3 4R3 NO L3G1SL4C3R4TORS H3R3. TH3R3 4R3NT 4NY FL4RPS 31TH3R. 1 H4V3 4 F3W OF MY SC4L3M4T3S BUT 1 NO LONG3R H4V3 4 TR33 TO H4NG TH3M 1N.
[There are dots on the page, like someone pressed their writing utensil to it over and over, starting to write but then stopping again before any strokes were made. The uncertainty is palpable.]
TH3R3 1S 4 B34CH H3R3. TH3 WHOL3 V1LL4G3 S1TS 1N 4 S3M1 C1RCL3 SURROUND1NG 4 B4Y. TH3 W4V3S 4R3 D4RK 4ND ROLL 1N OV3R 4ND OV3R. TH3Y C4LL TH1S PL4C3 TH3 SUNS3T C1RCUS B3C4US3 OF 4LL TH3 T3NTS 4ND TH3 W4Y TH3 SKY 1S 4LW4YS L1T UP. 1TS 4 M1X OF P1NKS 4ND PURPL3S 4ND OR4NG3S AND BLU3S AND GR3YS 4ND 4LL OF TH4T G3TS R3FL3CT3D OFF OF TH3 W4T3R TOO.
TH3 T3NTS 4R3 COLORFUL. NOT M1RTHFUL COLORFUL BUT SUNS3T COLORFUL. TH3N TH3R3 1S 4LL OF TH3 BOOTHS 4ND TH3 R1D3S W1TH TH31R STR1NGS OF L1GHTS DIPP1NG 1N 4RCH3S FROM POL3 TO POL3. 3V3RYTH1NG SM3LLS L1K3 FR13D FOOD 4ND COTTON C4NDY 4ND S4LT W4T3R. 3XC3PT WH3R3 1T 4LSO SM3LLS L1K3 L1GHT 4ND COLOR 4ND CLOS3N3SS.
TH3R3 4R3 4LW4YS P3OPL3 4ROUND. W3 DO NOT H4V3 S3P4R4T3 HOM3S. JUST ON3 B1G T3NT WH3R3 W3 4LL ST4Y. TH3R3 1S 4LW4YS 4N UND3RCURR3NT OF CH4TT3R1NG VO1C3S 3XC3PT SOM3T1M3S ON TH3 B34CH OR 1N TH3 SURROUND1NG FOR3ST OR ON TH3 OUTSK1RTS OF TH3 C4RN1V4L. 1T 1S W31RD TO H4V3 SO M4NY P3OPL3 4ROUND SO OFT3N. 1 W4SNT US3D TO TH4T.
[There are more dots on the page, like she wasn't sure where to go from there. So instead, she simply cuts it off short, signing the letter and shipping it out before she can second guess what she wrote.]
AlL ThEm tHiNgS As yOu sAiD ArE LiKe tO Be mOtHeRfUcKiNg bEaUtIfUl. LiKe pArAdIsE. a mOsT MiRaCuLoUs pLaCe wHaT'S MaDe rEaL. wIsH I CoUlD Be SeEiNg iT ToO GeTtInG ExPeRiEnCe oN As tO ThEm tHiNgS YoU'Re sPeAkInG Of. TrY AlL ThE CoMeStIbLeS SwEeT AnD LaY On iN ThE MiDdLe oF EvErYtHiNg aS FoR TaKiNg iN ThE CoLoR LiT LeGiT. gEt a lIsTeN On tO It aLl. MaYbE ToUcH ThE WaVeS.
I AiN'T UsEd tO PeOpLe nOnE EiThEr. ThErE WaS So mOtHeRfUcKiNg mAnY WhAt wAs bEiNg uP In tHe cApItOl. AnD ThEn tHeRe wAsN'T AnD ThEn tHeRe wAs bEiNg tHiS PlAcE. tHeRe's lOtS HeRe tOo, BuT We's aLl fUrThEr aWaY, hAvInG At oUr oWn hIvEs. I GuEsS It's lIkE WhAt a rEgUlAr hIvEcLuStEr wOuLd mAkE To bE. iT AiN'T BaD Or nOnE, i jUsT KiNd oF ThOuGhT MaYbE I WoUlD LiKe iT MoRe.
[Not by fault of the meadous. He just isn't so sure he should be there. And he still manages not seeing anyone so much. He thought a hivecluster would be less lonely, even if it is less dangerous.]
I'M SoRrY YoU AiN'T GoT No tReE. i wEnT On sEeInG If aS I CoUlD SeNd oNe bUt i aIn't sO SuRe hOw yEt. MoSt iS BeInG KiNd oF BiG. sEeDs dOn't gRoW VeRy fAsT NoNe eItHeR. :o(
I'M SoRrY ShIt aIn't gEtTiNg tO BrInGiNg nO HaPpInEsS On aT To yOu nEiThEr. BuT I AiN'T GoT AnY ExPeCtAtIoNs nOnE. tHiS Is sEeMiNg gOoD Up aS It iS, tO Me. MaYbE I'Ll bE AbLe tO Be mAkInG YoU HaPpY SoMe tImE EvEnTuAl tOo.
I GoT TrYiNg tO MaKiNg hIm hApPy. IzZeKiEl, I Up aNd mEaN. wE HaDn't tAlKeD YeT, bUt i wEnT, aNd iT WaSn't bEiNg sO BaD Up aFtErAlL. wE GoT SiTtInG ToGeThErLiKe aNd wE LiStEnEd aS By tHe wAtEr. HaVe yOu eVeR BeEn rEaLlY ScArEd aNd a lItTlE SaD BuT KiNd oF HaPpY Up aT ThE SaMe mOtHeRfUcKiNg tImE? wAs kInD Of lIkE ThAt, I ThInK. eVeRyOnE WaS SaYiNg aS He wAs bEiNg rEaL AnGrY, cAuSe sOmE MoThErFuCkEr gOt pReTeNdInG To bE DeAd aS LiKe iN A GaMe aNd eVeRyOnE WaS FiGhTiNg aNd i tHiNk hE WaS Up bEiNg pArT Of tRyInG FiXiNg tHaT Or sOmEtHiNg? AnYwAy, He gOt rEaL MaD AfTeR AnD Up aNd lEfT AnD EvErYoNe wAs sAyInG LiKe iT BeSt nOt tO Go nEaR At tO HiM. bUt eVeN ThOuGh hE GoT AcTiNg mAd aNd eVeRyOnE WaS SaYiNg sO, i cOuLd tElL As aLl hE WaS ReAlLy sCaReD. wAs lIkE I CoUlD HeAr iT AlL Up iN My nUgBoNe. So i wEnT, fInAlLy, AnD ThEn iT WaS MaKiNg lIkE He wAsN'T ReAlLy sO MaD Up aT AlL. yOu kNoW WhAt i mEaN? i aIn't sUrE I'M SaYiNg tHiS AlL RiGhT. wAs rEaL WeIrD. i aIn't nEvEr dOnE NoThInG LiKe tHaT Up bEfOrEwAyS.
BuT, wHaT I'M MeAnInG As tO GeTtInG At iS, tHaNkS, i tHiNk. As fOr sAyInG It wAs oKaY. wE'Re mAkInG AlL To hAnG OuT AgAiN SoMeTiMe, MaYbE, wHeN He's fEeLiNg bEtTeRlIkE.
I GoT LoTs oF ThInGs aS To fInD Up iN ThE MeAdOuS. tHeRe's bEiNg mOuNtAiNs aNd cLiFfS, oCeAn aNd tReEs. EvEn tHeSe mAgIc cOlOr fUnGiS. i'm pUtTiNg a bIt oF AlEtHeIa's tReE LeAvEs oN In tHiS. i hOpE At yOu lIkE FoR ThEm. If tHeRe's aNyThInG As gOt wAnTiNg fOr i cAn sEnD It oN NeXt tImE.
[She stares at the letter for a long time, reading it over and over again. Not because she wants to or because she likes what it says. She reads it like there's a second meaning hidden in those words. Like there's a puzzle to be worked out. The parts about Kurloz scare her out of her mind, but she clamps down on both that and the urge to write to him immediately. There's a part of her that doesn't want him to know about these letters. Not yet.]
[The leaves are taken from the letter, but she's not sure what else to do with them. It feels wrong to put them with the things that Meulin and Kurloz gave her. It feels wrong to throw them away. In the end, she puts them between the pages of a book and puts the book under her cot. She's not keeping them. She's just storing them until she figures out what to do.]
G4MZ33 M4K4R4
TH3R3 4R3 TR33S H3R3. TH3YR3 JUST NOT MY TR33. 1 DONT KNOW 1F 4LT3RN14N TR33S WOULD 3V3N GROW H3R3.
YOU SHOULD STOP WORRY1NG 4BOUT M4K1NG M3 H4PPY. TH4T 1S SO F4R B3YOND 4 POSS1B1L1TY R1GHT NOW TH4T 1T 1S NOT 3V3N WORTH M3NT1ON1NG.
YOU H4D B3TT3R B3 TR34T1NG 1ZZ3K13L W3LL.
THE LEAVES ARE OKAY.
[Once again, there's dots on the page that indicate where she paused. She tap, tap, taps the pen, starts to write a word, and then thinks better of it. She frowns at the paper for a long time, trying to think of something else to say.]
WHY DONT YOU L1K3 TH3 H1V3 CLUST3R? 1S TH3R3 SOM3TH1NG WRONG W1TH 1T?
[That's the most congeniality that she can draw up from herself, so that's going to have to be good enough. She signs the letter and sends it on its way.]
I WoUlD GeT BeInG MaKiNg lIkE To aSk! ShOuLdN'T GeT No hArMs dOnE Up iN ThE KnOwInG, rIgHt?
I'Ll tRy tO Be nOt wOrRyInG So mUcH. iT'S HaRd tHoUgH, sEeInG As i sTiLl tHiNk aLl oN As lIkE YoU ShOuLd bE AnD I KiNd oF WaNt yOu tO Be aNd sUcHlIkE.
I AiN'T BeEn tReAtInG IzZeKiEl nOt wElL? i aIn't sO GoOd aT ThIs wHoLe dEsCeNdInG BuSiNeSs wHaT'S To bE, bUt wE'Ve bEeN HaNgInG OuT OnCe iN A WhIlE. nOt a wHoLe lOt bUt tHaT'S JuSt cAuSe oF Me.
GoT A GlAdNeSs oN YoU LiKe tHe lEaVeS. :o)
AiN'T No tHiNg bEiNg wRoNg wItH ThE HiVeClUsTeR. nO WrOnGs rEaL DoNe uP. iT'S JuSt...
I GoT UsEd tO LiViNg aLoNe, YoU GeT Me? AnD I GuEsS I WaS AlWaYs kInD Of wAnTiNg nOt tO Be, A LiTtLe. BuT ThEn i gOt hErE, aNd iT'S LiKe, MoThErFuCk! ThAt's a wHoLe lOt oF MoThErFuCkErS WhAt's mAkInG ReAl nEaRlIkE! bUt... It sTiLl fEeLs tHe sAmE As bEiNg aLoNe. It fEeLs lIkE A LoT Of aLoNe, BuT LiKe iT ShOuLdN'T Be, AlL Up tHe fUcK In rEaCh iS It, ReAl nEaR, rEaL ClOsE, bUt i cAn't mAkE ThIs hUsK Do nO ReAcHiNg. AnD I DoN'T KnOw iF I ReAlLy wAnT No oNe rEaChInG BaCk fOr mE.
ExCePt wHeN I Do, I GuEsS, wRiTiNg tO YoU. sOrRy, SiStEr.
BuT, iN AnY CaSiNgS, iT'S NoT SuPpOsEd tO Be aLoNe, BuT I'M MaKiNg aLoNe aNyWaYs, AnD ThAt kInDa jUsT FeElS WoRsE. cAuSe tHeN It's mEaNiNg lIkE CaUsE It's mE. bUt i dOn't gOt nO KnOwInG HoW To fIx tHaT.
I'D MaKe aSkInG If yOu eVeR GoT FeElInG SaMe, BuT YoU'Re aLl eVeRyBoDy's fRiEnD WhO'S SmArT AnD GoOd aNd sHiT. sO, pRoBaBlY NoT.
ThE WiCkEd bUsInEsS HaS MoSt tRuLy bEeN WiCkEd aS FoR WhAt tHiNgS Is tO Be dOnE HeRe. AlL KiNdS GoInG DoWn, EvEn aS It's qUiEt. I'M TrYiNg tO ThInK On wHaT OtHeR ThInGs i cOuLd bE SeNdInG YoU BuT I AiN'T AlL SuRe wHaT YoU'D LiKe. YoU JuSt dRoP ThEm wOrDs lIkE YoU WaS SlAmMiNg tHeM AnD I'Ll rOuNd uP WhAt's nEaT To mEeT It. HoNk. HoNk.
I don't exactly know how to start this. I'm not even sure you want to hear from me. I haven't written to you even if I've been for half a year. Six, seven months? Maybe 8. I haven't kept strict track. But I've had a lot to think about lately.
I hope you're alright. And happy. I'm doing alright. I'm better, I think. I've really had a lot to think about but i have people to talk to. Ini, I mean Izzekiel told me you were somewhere out there. I guess I'm just sending this letter into the void. Alfie says his friend found his wife out beyond our world and they write. So I figure this might get to you.
I'm not sure what to say. I like it here. I don't know if I should. I feel a little guilty for liking it here.
I sail. I sail everywhere in the ocean which is really not anywhere at all. There nothing to find but a weird creature. I think I might change that. I have friends. No family but it asks a lot to have family. I've found someone I like. Not love, but like, and that seems like enough.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-04-11 05:37 pm (UTC)It's spring here, or at least that what humans call it. Which really means the snow is gone and you're tripping over flowers. My hive is covered with them.
Things have been slow but they seem to be getting busier? Kurloz started a market. And a confessional. And he's still teaching me and a few others how to sign. I think it'd be good for talking to Zefur eventually. When they learn. They chirp but don't really speak. They're also getting taller which is unacceptable. Growing up from tough situations is a mental things but appurrently gods translate things a little more literally.
I've been trying out various things to get some paint again but I've not found as much as I'd like. I have bundles of flowers drying now to see if I can grind them up into powder. Not that my house needs more painting but I like it. There's at least three of us who do artistic things.
Kurloz is...a little diffurent now but maybe you should talk to him about that? Zephyr did a thing with frogs and they had a weird effect. It's not bad, I purromise, just different. It's something I think you should probably talk about. Imagine I kissed your forehead there. Though I suspect you are also getting taller now without me. I am doomed to be surrounded by tall people. We have to talk your matesprit into staying a reasonable height.
The thing with the frogs though? It made me remember a lot of things. Not things I'd forgotten really, just, made them all more vivid. I miss everyone. I miss Signless most of all. I just really wish I had one of my quadrants. No one really appeals in another quadrant here. It's a little lonely that way. We don't have many trolls and those we do are quadranted or just not for me. It's frustrating sometimes.I guess a human could do for red in a pinch, but, once again, all quadranted. Appurently another version of me was here before and red with a human version of Signless? But we both left. There's also another version of myself some of the others knew before they came to the Meadous. She has a different hatchname, not Meulin at all. I don't remember it off the top of my head but it's weird. A little unsettling to know I'm in so many places. I'd rather it just be me. I got off topic. I just miss Signless really. It's not like I need a new quadrant when I really just miss the ones not here. At least I know you're within writing distance, even if we can't meet right now.
I'm sure you understand that. It's annoying to know you're physically so close but the walls have to stay up and so we can't get to you. I'm not sure why the walls have to stay up but...I don't think Zephyr would do it for no reason. They treat us better than that.
I hope you're okay. I hope everything is okay. Tell me how you are. Tell me how things go with that learning to face your fears little god. Don't eat the flowers.
<> Meulin
[Enclosed is a bundle of red and pink flowers]
no subject
Date: 2016-05-09 11:51 pm (UTC)1 4M SORRY TH4T YOUR3 SO LON3LY. 1 M1SS YOU TOO. WHOS3 H41R 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO BR41D 1F YOU 4R3 SO F4R 4W4Y? 4ND 1 GU3SS 1 C4NT DO TH4T P1L1NG TH1NG 31TH3R..... BUT S3R1OUSLY 1 UND3RST4ND. 1F TH3S3 W4LLS W3R3 DOWN YOU WOULDNT B3 4BL3 TO G3T R1D OF M3. 1 WOULD G1V3 YOU 4 W33K B3FOR3 YOU W3R3 SO S1CK OF M3 B31NG 4ROUND. <>
1T SUCKS BUT W3 H4V3 TO M4K3 TH3 B3ST OF WH4T W3 H4V3. YOU W1LL F1ND SOM3ON3 3LS3. 1T S33MS L1K3 TH3R3 4R3 4 LOT OF WORLDS OUT TH3R3 L1K3 TH3S3 ON3S. TH3R3 1S NO T3LL1NG WHO OR WH4T W3 M1GHT F1ND OUT TH3R3. BUT NO M4TT3R WH4T 1 W1LL B3 H3R3 FOR YOU. 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO LOS3 YOU 4G41N. 1M4G1N3 TH4T 1 SQU33Z3D YOUR H4ND TH3R3. 1M4G1N3 4LSO TH4T 1 THOUGHT 4BOUT S4Y1NG SOM3TH1NG R34LLY CORNY TH3R3. BUT TH1S 1S NOT 4 ROMCOM 4ND 1 D3C1D3D NOT TO S4Y 1T B3C4US3 TH3N YOU WOULD L4UGH 4T HOW DR4M4T1C 1 W4S B31NG.
TH1NGS H4V3 B33N MUCH TH3 S4M3 H3R3 TOO. 1 4M ST4RT1NG TO L1K3 OUR GODL1NG MOR3. BUT 1 W1SH TH3Y WOULD STOP 4PP34R1NG 4S TH1NGS TH4T 1 DO NOT L1K3 SOM3T1M3S. TH3Y S33M TO H4V3 4 TH1NG FOR SHOW1NG UP 4S TH1NGS TH4T W3 4R3 4FR41D OF. WH1CH G1V3S TH3 R34CT1ON TH4T YOU WOULD 3XP3CT FROM M33T1NG 4 TH1NG TH4T YOU 4R3 4FR41D OF.
SP34K1NG OF TH1NGS TH4T SC4RD M3... 1 D1DNT M3NT1ON B3FOR3 BUT 1 R4N 1NTO G4MZ33 1N TH3 M34DOUS. OUT OF 4LL TH3 TH1NGS TH4T 1 H4V3 S33N 1N TH4T FOR3ST H1S F4C3 SHOWS UP TH3 MOST. 1 C4NT S33M TO G3T 4 HOLD OF TH4T P4RT1CUL4R F34R. 1T F33LS SO WR4PP3D UP 1N SO M4NY OTH3R TH1NGS. H3 D1D 4 LOT OF 4WFUL TH1NGS 1N MY T1M3. 1NCLUD1NG MURD3R1NG 4T L34ST TWO OF MY FR13NDS. BUT H3 DO3SNT S33M TO R3M3MB3R TH4T. 1 COULDNT T3LL 1F H3 W4S F4K1NG 1T OR NOT. 1 DONT L1K3 F33L1NG SO OFF B4L4NC3 W1TH SOM3ON3.
1 N3V3R KNOW HOW 1 4M SUPPOS3D TO F33L W1TH H1M. DO 1 H4T3 H1M? DO 1 *H4T3* H4T3 H1M? 4M 1 SC4R3D OF H1M? 1 KNOW TH3 L4ST ON3 MUST B3 TRU3 OR H3 WOULDNT SHOW UP SO OFT3N FOR M3. BUT 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 4FR41D OF H1M FOR3V3R. 1 4M JUST NOT SUR3 Y3T WH4T 1 W4NT TO R3PL4C3 TH4T W1TH.
SP34K1NG OF H4T3 H4T1NG... 1 4LSO D1D NOT M3NT1ON TH1S B3FOR3 BUT TH3R3 1S 4 TROLL WHO DO3S NOT S33M TO UND3RST4ND NO H3R3. 1 4M PR3TTY SUR3 H3 H4S H1T ON 3V3RY L1V1NG CR34TUR3 1N TH3 CIRCUS 4ND M4YB3 4LSO SOM3 NONL1V1NG ON3S. 1N V4R1OUS QU4DR4NTS. 1T 1S 4LMOST P1T14BL3 3XC3PT TH3 THOUGHT OF TH4T M4K3S M3 THROW UP 1N MY MOUTH 4 L1TTL3. H3 TR13D TO M4K3 4 P4SS 4T M3 TOO. 1 PUNCH3D H1M SQU4R3 1N TH3 MOUTH BUT 1 TH1NK TH4T ONLY 3NCOUR4G3D H1M. SO F4R 1 H4V3 K3PT H1M 4T B4Y BY 1NFORM1NG H1M TH4T 1 4M D4T1NG TH3 GR4ND H1GHBLOOD. TH4T N4M3 S33M3D TO SC4R3 H1M OFF BUT W3 W1LL S33 HOW LONG TH4T L4STS. 1 M1GHT N33D TO T4K3 MOR3 DR4ST1C M34SUR3S TO 3NSUR3 TH4T H3 K33PS H1S H4NDS TO H1MS3LF. 3V3N 1F 1 H4V3 TO R3TURN TH3M TO H1M 1N 4 J4R. >:]
1 SHOULD PROB4BLY WR4P TH1S UP S1NC3 1T 1S G3TT1NG LONG. TH4NK YOU FOR TH3 H34DS UP 4BOUT KURLOZ! 1 W1LL H4V3 TO P3ST3R H1M 4BOUT TH3S3 MYST3R1OUS CH4NG3S... 4ND M4YB3 4LSO NOT GROW1NG SO MUCH. 1 DO NOT TH1NK 1 4M 1N D4NG3R OF OV3RSH4DOW1NG YOU Y3T. NO WORR13S. >;P
T4K3 C4R3. K33P M3 UPD4T3D ON 4NY CH4NG3S!!! 1 4M R34LLY GL4D W3 G3T TO S3ND TH3S3 L3TT3RS NOW. 1 W4NT3D TO S3ND YOU SOM3 COTTON C4NDY BUT 1T W4S R34LLY ST1CKY 4ND TH4T S33M3D L1K3 4 B4D 1D34. 1V3 S3NT YOU P1N3 CON3S FROM TH3 FOR3ST 1NST34D. YOU PROB4BLY H4V3 SOM3 TOO BUT TH3S3 4R3 B3TT3R B3C4US3 TH3Y 4R3 FROM M3. N3XT T1M3 1 W1LL S3ND YOU SOM3TH1NG 3V3R B3TT3R 1 PROM1S3.
<> T3R3Z1
PS YOU SHOULD H4V3 W4RN3D M3 NOT TO 34T TH3 FLOW3RS 4 L1TTL3 SOON3R >:] 1 M4Y H4V3 4LR34DY ST4RT3D L1CK1NG TH3M!
no subject
Date: 2016-05-13 04:32 am (UTC)It'd be impawsible to get tired of you so quick! I'd be sharing you with Kurloz and I'm pawsitive you would want some time to yourself with him. >;33 If only so you spare me a front row seat to your kisses and smooches. Or I shall smother you in forehead kisses in front of him and embarrass you horribly.
Oh dramatic and corny?
I won't lost you again either. We weren't really meant to meet but we still did and we found each other again. We have this second chance and I'm definitely not letting it slip past.<>
Was that dramatic and corny? Purrobably! I am not sorry in the least. SOMEONE has to say the corny ridiculous things in this moiraillegance. I will gladly take this responsibility. Besides, I've said far more dramatic things. And no I shall not repeat them. I was in a dream at the time and cannot be held responsible.
Anyways! The impurrtant stuff!
Do you think he'd lie about not remembering it? Is it possible he's from a time before it? They took Signless before my time and Xanthous so far after. Kurloz is before all our times. So there's that to consider. Not that it changes what he did and how you feel about it.
It's hard for me to say what to do about it. Kurloz and I sort of muddled around it and I had to make a first step to get us here. He hurt me so deeply in my past and his future. But I don't think you should be scared of someone you hate romantically. Maybe after you work that out? Are you able to talk to him? Does he live in a god's world? This would be so much easier if we could pile and talk about it. Imagine a ridiculous sigh there.
I suppose the most important question is why does he scare you? That he hurt people you couldn't save? His powers? The lack of control you have over what happened and the lack of answers you have for it? I can't tell you how to feel about it Terezi. You're allowed to hate someone for killing those you care about. It's a natural reaction. Just try not to hurt him over it? Or get yourself hurt over it.
In lighter thoughts, oh no, I hate those kinds of trolls. I hate them the most of anything. Does public shaming work? I'm going to assume it does not. Ugh. And I'm sure he'd just take it the wrong way. 'She humilated me because she hates me'. Just try to keep maiming to a mininmum. <>
Changes! I almost furgot! We had more changes! Things change so much here so quickly. Zephyr asked us to make constellations in teh sky and I made a purrbeast. Don't you dare laugh. Don't do it. Kurloz won the contest though, with a feather and a lovely story. Xanthous put 'FUCK' in the sky. In Alternian. He hasn't claimed responsibility for it but there's five of us and Waspfire clearly did the wasp one. I don't know who he thinks he's fooling.
We also got some mountains and a jungle. Xanthous is a cheating cheater with psionics though. Of course he beat me to the top of the mountains! I walked! Anyways. I got a few trees to make some of the candy I got in District 7 but they won't give me sap until next cold season so I included a leaf, a rock from the mountain and some pretty jungle flowers. I was going to send a weird fruit the humans call a pineapple but I'm not honestly sure how to send things like that. I can just fold the letter all weird around this right now but not sure if I can sent big things.
I'll have to ask Zephyr. You'd love it purrobably. I put the pine cones on the little spot above my fire. Oh wait let me add something up there. There, now you can't say I didn't warn you this time.
<> Meulin
no subject
Date: 2016-06-03 08:59 pm (UTC)1 DONT TH1NK YOU N33D S4P FROM YOUR W1SH TR33S. YOU 4R3 4LR34DY PROV1D1NG MOR3 TH4N 3NOUGH >:P BUT YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO T3LL M3 4BOUT TH3S3 DR4M4T1C TH1NGS. 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO STOP P3ST3R1NG YOU UNT1L YOU DO. SO YOU M1GHT 4S W3LL G3T 1T OV3R W1TH. <><><><>
R3G4RD1NG G4MZ33... 1 DONT KNOW WH4T 1 W4NT. M4YB3 H3 1S NOT LY1NG BUT 1T ST1LL H4PP3N3D. 1 C4NT PR3T3ND L1K3 1T D1DNT JUST B3C4US3 H3 H4SNT L1V3D THROUGH 1T. MY FR13NDS W3R3 HURT B3C4US3 OF H1M 4ND 1 SHOULD H4V3 STOPP3D 1T 4 LOT SOON3R.
1 THOUGHT H3 W4S 4 FR13ND. BUT H3 TR1CK3D M3. 1 W4S SO THOROUGHLY FOOL3D BY H1M TH4T 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW HOW 1T H4PP3N3D OR WH3R3 1T B3G4N. BUT 1T COMPL3T3LY UNR4V3LL3D MY CONF1D3NC3. 1T W4S L1K3 H3 KN3W 4LL TH3 R1GHT PL4C3S TO H1T 4ND 4LL TH3 R1GHT TH1NGS TO S4Y TO DR1V3 M3 TO MY LOW3ST PO1NT. 4ND TH4T SC4R3S M3 PR3TTY B4D.
1 DONT W4NT TO HURT H1M. 1 DONT R34LLY W4NT TO H4T3 H1M 31TH3R. H3 W4S MY FR13ND FOR 4 LONG T1M3. 1 JUST W4NT 4 R34SON. 1 W4NT TO KNOW WHY TH4T H4PP3N3D 4ND HOW TO K33P 1T FROM H4PP3N1NG 4G41N. BUT H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT R3M3MB3R. 1 JUST DONT KNOW 1F 1 C4N TRUST H1M. 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW 1F 1 C4N TRUST MYS3LF. MAYB3 H1S NOT R3M3MB3R1NG 1S 4N 4CT TOO 4ND H3 JUST W4NTS M3 TO CONV1NC3 MYS3LF TO TRUST H1M 4G41N???
H3 1S NOT 3V3N H3R3 4ND H3 H4S M3 S3COND GU3SS1NG MYS3LF >:[
HOW D1D YOU G3T P4ST YOUR 1SSU3S W1TH KURLOZ? HOW D1D YOU F1GUR3 OUT HOW TO TRUST H1M 4G41N? HOW D1D YOU KNOW 1T W4S OK4Y TO DO TH4T 4T 4LL? KURLOZ S33MS TO BUT... 1 C4N B4R3LY TH1NK OF TH3M TOG3TH3R W1THOUT B31NG T3RR1F13D. 1 DONT W4NT H1M TO G3T HURT L1K3 MY OTH3R FR13NDS W3R3.
BUT TH3 OTH3R STUFF SOUNDS COOL. 1 PROM1S3 1 MOST D3F1N1T3LY D1D NOT L4UGH. NOT 3V3N 4 L1TTL3 B1T. 4ND 1 WOULD NOT PUT 1T P4ST X4NTHOUS TO PUT FUCK 1N TH3 SKY 31TH3R. 1 4M SURPR1S3D H3 D1DNT PUT 4 TR1BBL3 UP TH3R3 TOO. W3 ST1LL ONLY H4V3 TH3 FOR3ST 4ND TH3 C1RCUS BUT OUR GODL1NG W4S T4LK1NG 4BOUT ST4RS TOO. 1 TH1NK TH3Y L1K3 TH3 1D34 OF CONST3LL4T1ONS 3V3N 1F W3 C4NT S33 TH3M FULLY. TH3 SKY 1S 4LW4YS 4 SUNS3T BUT TH3 ST4RS P33K THROUGH FROM TH3 OPPOS1T3 D1R3CT1ON.
1 W1SH 1 COULD COM3 V1S1T YOUR MOUNT41NS 4ND YOUR JUNGL3. M4YB3 W3 C4N P3T1T1ON FOR V1S1T1NG R1GHTS. YOUR C4N 4SK YOUR Z3PHYR 4ND 1 W1LL 4SK OUR... F34R? 1 DONT 4CTU4LLY KNOW TH31R N4M3. M4YB3 W3 SHOULD TH1NK 4BOUT P1CK1NG ON3 OUT FOR TH3M B3FOR3 F34R 3NDS UP B31NG WH4T W3 C4LL TH3M. TH4T M1GHT G3T CONFUS1NG 4FT3R 4 WH1L3.
1 DONT H4V3 4NY N3W G1FTS FOR YOU TH1S T1M3 SO 1 HOP3 YOU ENJOY 4LL TH3S3 DUMB P1CTUR3S TH4T 1 4M STUFF1NG 1NTO TH1S 3NV3LOP3. N3XT T1M3 1 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 TO GO OUT 4ND F1ND 4 N1C3 G4M3 SO TH4T 1 C4N W1N YOU 4 PROP3R G1FT >:P BUT SOM3HOW 1 DOUBT YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO D1SL1K3 G3TT1NG DR4W1NGS 4S 4 PR3S3NT.
1 D1D NOT 34T TH3 ROCK OR TH3 L34F TH1S T1M3. 1 ST1LL PUT TH3 FLOW3RS D4NG3ROUSLY CLOS3 TO MY MOUTH. C4NT STOP WONT STOP.
<><><> T3R3Z1
no subject
Date: 2016-06-04 06:27 am (UTC)And it was a long time ago! I was just told I would likely never see you again, that I didn't come back to Panem. It was before I came here. A weird in between dream that Zephyr created and I got caught up in. I think I said something
like I didn't wantembarrassing dramatic. I didn't want you to stay caught up on me if I wasn't there. I remember what it was like to have someone and hold them up as purrfect and great and amazing and forget all the flaws. I wanted you to be able to move on. To be honest that's why I wasn't so upset when you told me about the human you'd gotten a little pitiful for. You being able to go on with life and not feel like quadrants were awful or doomed to fail was part of our moirallegance. Or well it would have been if I'd been there longer. I remember how you were when we started.But enough about that.
I don't know if my way will help you. I don't even know if I had a way. You wanted us to be civil and so we tried that. And I. Did they ever show what happened on the rooftop? I know I told you we talked and we were close to something and then he fell and you saw. But I told him none of it was my fault. I think that's what was really the thing was us. I was never scared of him. But he told me Xanthous and his life and all that was my fault because I never went after him and I believed that for a long time. Before he told me it was my fault I told him I knew it was. But no one wanted me to. Everyone, Porrim, Kankri, Mituna, all them wanted me to live. So I told him so. I finally faced that that wasn't my fault. None of it.
None of that really helps I think. Let me try this again. We got past the issues slow. The time he died was only the first step. It took time. We kept it up a lot for you at first? And our conversations were always one step forward and two steps back sort of thing. Well maybe the other way around. Every one got us forward. But I never know when to quit with people, you know? I keep trying. I keep reaching out. Usually.
I don't know if when I trusted him. There was no again, we never had trust. Maybe when he tried to save me from the awful dead walker things in the arena and had to kill me? Because it was a time when he cared and he tried so hard. Or maybe it wasn't until the dream when he told me what had happened in Panem and treated me so kindly and thoughfully? You don't just decide to trust someone. They earn it. With words and actions. If he doesn't earn it, how can you trust him?
If you can't talk to him, you might never get those answers and that's okay. You could talk to him and still not get those answers. Or the answers could be ones you didn't want at all. But I want you trust yourself Terezi. You feel the way you do for a reason. You're the one who knows what happened to you and that's the most important thing. He tricked you and you might never know why or how long it was going on.
This is frustratingly difficult to advise for. If he was there, you could talk to him or confront him again or something. You'd have options. But he's not there to earn or not earn your trust or provide the answers you want. I guess the real question is can you deal with not knowing why this happened? Can you look at this as something to learn from without it making you pull back from things? You trust people Terezi, you're loyal, and I can understand why having that loyalty used against you was the worst sort of betrayal. You care about your friends. You need them to have your back when you have theirs. You're under no obligation to forgive him for what he does. Just remember if he's from before that time, he can change. The future we make here outside Alternia is not set in those paths. I don't live alone forever. Kurloz isn't the Grand Highblood. You don't...do whatever it is you were going to do after you were brought to Panem. We're all living proof things can change. People can change.
Or I wouldn't be who I was today.
<> <> <>
And on the not so deep but equally impurrtant stuff. I can ask Zefur but I don't know if they'll let us visit. I'd like to visit your carnival at least once. It might not be where I'd want to live forever but I imagine it must be beautiful. I talked to them about the wall back during the constellation thing. They said it goes down when they're old enough and they'll just know when that is. That we'd be able to move about freely. It sounds lovely really but none of us know when it'll happen. They're growing up so fast. Not as tall as me yet but too close!
Maybe your god should make them really bright? Zephyr made our moon different. I think. It's definitely shinier. But I'm not sure how other gods work. They all seem to have different things they do. But you should probably name yours. Mine was named before I got here so I don't know how that works but maybe poll it? Do you all have a bulletin board? It's utter chaos here but we have had a few sensible polls. I think. Sort of.
I'm putting these drawings on the wall. Everyone shall see them when they come in. They'll be the pride of my hive. I'm surrounding them with feathers and dried flowers as we speak. Oh! Those flowers worked, the ones I dried for paint before? Sort of at least. They really need to be smoother, the paint is a little gritty, but I'm no position to whine about it.
Here I painted this picture with it. I'm not sure if you have a place to put it. Do you get places to put all these things I keep sending you? Or are you just eating them. >:OO Don't do it. Don't eat the flowers Rezi!!
I mean it, those were moirail flowers not eating flowers. I can send you eating flowers when my Alternian herbs bloom. Maybe next month. I'll send you all the things that taste best though those are the most useless ones.
<> Meulin
I unfolded this to add something but I forgot what it was. I'm already here though so I guess I'll write more anyways. I doubt you'll be opposed to more words. I miss you Terezi. I miss you a lot. Wish you'd shown up here. Wish you'd been here all this time and I hadn't had to worry about you. I told Kurloz in the dream that I didn't want to be a scar. I wanted to be a good memory, I wanted you to think of me and be happy we were together and not feel tied down or restricted by my being pulled away from you. He said he didn't get it but I think you might? You understand me.
Sorry, it's noon and appurrently that means I have to add sappy ridiculous things to my letter. I'm going to put this in the mail receptacle and go to bed. <> Pale for you Terezi.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-16 03:11 am (UTC)i haven't seen him in half a sweep. And that doesn't, shouldn't matter, you know? I miss him, I miss our relationship. I justI think sometimes, about what you used to say and imply. That I was more than my connections. That I was more than what my title said about me. You always used to use my hatchname so I suspect you might be a little biased about this topic. I don't think you really liked my title to begin with <> We shall have to continue to disagree on deserving him and what I deserve in my quadrants (besides you) but that's beside the point.
The Dolorosa was here for some time. I met the newer Psiionic from Panem in the swamp I was in. It didn't feel like coming home. Well, it did a little and in other way it felt a little like betraying Xanthous but that's not what I'm talking about today! It felt strange. Like I wasn't the person they were really looking for. The Dolorosa disappeared. I never spoke to or have heard from the Psiionic again. I can't ask them how they would feel about my title, if they thought I was enough like their memories, if they liked the ways I'd changed.
This is getting off topic. Or maybe it's not. I'm not really sure how to write this out when I'm so torn on the subject myself.
My title doesn't feel like me. It feels like someone else, a version of myself who was brave and faithful but spent a lot of time sad, angry at herself and blaming herself for the things that went wrong. No that doesn't feel fair of me. There was a time when it was a title I wore with pride. It distinguished me, it spoke of my love and my pity, my place in the rebellion and most of all, of my faith in our message. Not faith like the clowns. Faith in people, in peace, in caring for other trolls and being cared for in return. But it got all mixed up over the last few sweeps. It got all turned around, when it had been a badge, an outward sign of who I was, it became all I was. I think. Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe it's still a badge of honor.
But I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know if I want to change it. I know that's a thing I can do. I'm fairly sure no one here right now would blame me or call me awful for doing so. But I can't help but wonder what I would do if Signless or the Dolorosa came? If the Psiionic I met returned. If another showed up. What would I say? It feels awful to contemplate, to think about ruining their memory of me, to ruin the memory of the rebellion. I do remember it. It's vivid, there to show all the things I loved about it, about them. The title means so much to me and it honors all their memories. It keeps them all in my memory when they're not here.
But sometimes I wonder if that really matters. If keeping my title for them is what they'd want. If they'd mind so much if they got here and I went by something else. I wonder if they'd understand. I remember how you said you'd never know about Gamzee, how he felt, what he really meant, and I understand. The chances that I'll know what they want, how they feel, is so small. I can keep hoping they'll come but do I stop trying to make the way I present myself fit who I am because of them? Or am I looking at it the wrong way. The bulletin board exploded a bit last month and I've had a lot of time to think about it. Who we are and who we want to be. Liking who we are, being who we want to be and learning to be that.
Is a title an integral part of me that should change with me? I'm not getting purrmoted, I'm not changing jobs or becoming someone unrecognizable to my last title. It just doesn't seem to fit. Like some costume from the Capitol, it's doesn't change who I am but it changes how I'm seen? Or not. I keep running this in circles around my head. I keep justifying one way or another and it makes me awful just to contemplate it. I want to go back and strike out a bunch of things but I'll try to keep this mostly intact. Telling you the truth, telling you how I feel without trying to censor it, that's what makes this work right? You aren't here to notice me droop in a conversation or watch what I say on the board or anything. I have to be honest.
Maybe the problem really is that I don't know who I am anymore. If I'm not defined by the same things I once was, what does that make me?
I'm sending this with a pineapple which I'm sure you've realized already. Please don't eat any of the spiky bits.
Oh! I asked Zephyr about visiting the answer was a solid 'maybe???' but if we can't, at least I tried. I asked them to update me if something happened. <>
<><><>
Meulin
no subject
Date: 2017-01-11 04:48 am (UTC)1 US3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3 B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3. 4ND B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOU. <><><> BUT YOU M1GHT B3 R1GHT. 1 N3V3R R34LLY C4R3D FOR YOUR T1TL3 MUCH. 1 W4RM3D UP TO S1GNL3SS 4 L1TTL3, 4FT3R... Y34H. W3 W3R3 4SHM4T3S. BUT H3'S ST1LL 4N 1D1OT 4ND 1 4M FULLY 4LLOW3D TO S4Y TH4T NOW.
1 4M 4LSO FULLY 4LLOW3D TO TH1NK TH4T YOU D3S3ERV3 B3TT3R. BUT 1 4M GO1NG TO TH1NK TH4T R3G4RDL3SS OF WHO YOU L1K3. >:]
1 4M NOT R34LLY SUR3 1F 1 C4N 4DV1S3 ON N3W T1TL3S. 1 ST1LL DONT H4V3 ON3 MYS3LF. BUT 1 TH1NK 1 UND3RST4ND NOT F33L1NG L1K3... TH3 P3RSON YOU W3R3 B3FOR3? B3FOR3 P4N3M H4PP3N3D. W3 W3NT THROUGH 4 LOT OF TH1NGS TH3R3. 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 POSS1BL3 TO ST1LL B3 TH3 S4M3 P3OPL3 NOW.
TH4T B31NG S41D, 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T T4K1NG 4 N3W T1TL3 WOULD B3 4N 1NSULT TO TH3M. YOUR3 NOT B31NG
PROMOT3DPURRMOT3D BUT YOU SHOULDNT L1V3 1N TH3 P4ST 31TH3R. 1 DONT TH1NK TH3Y WOULD W4NT YOU TO HOLD OUT FOR TH3M FOR3V3R. L1K3 WH4T YOU S41D B3FOR3 4BOUT B31NG 4 GOOD M3MORY 1NST34D OF 4 SC4R. TH3Y WOULDNT W4NT TO B3 4 SC4R ON YOU 31TH3R, WOULD TH3Y?1 HOP3 TH4T M4K3S S3NS3. YOU PROB4BLY KNOW MOR3 4BOUT TH1S TH4N 1 DO, BUT 1 4M ST1LL H3R3 TO T3LL YOU TH4T WH4T3V3R YOU W4NT TO DO SOUNDS GOOD TO M3. 4S LONG 4S 1T M4K3S YOU H4PPY. <>
1F YOUR3 ST1LL WORR13D 4BOUT 1T, TH3N M4YB3 YOU CAN F1ND 4 T1TL3 TH4T ST1LL HONORS TH3M 1N SOM3 W4Y? BUT 1 DONT TH1NK 1T 1S STR1CTLY N3C3SS4RY. 1 C4NT SP34K FOR TH3M, BUT 1F 1 COULD, 1 WOULD T3LL YOU TH4T TH3Y SHOULD 4LR34DY B3 PROUD OF YOU. 1 KNOW 1 4M. <><><>
TH4TS 4LL TH3 S4P YOU G3T FROM M3 FOR NOW. M4K3 SUR3 TO L3T M3 KNOW HOW 1T WORKS OUT. 1 N33D TO B3 UPD4T3D ON WH4T N4M3 TO PUT 1NS1D3 TH3 D14MONDS 1 DR4W. >:]
<> T3R3Z1
[At the end of the page, a large diamond has been drawn with "Terezi" and "Meulin" scribbled inside of it.]
no subject
Date: 2017-01-23 09:47 am (UTC)Remind me to send you some of the stuff from my trees when the snow ends
If it ends at the same time
I think I want to do it. Change it.
And I think I have some ideas for how to honor them anyways. Or at least honor what we did.
It makes sense to me at least.
And that's what matters, right?
I wanted to ask if you had any suggestions?
I want to at least know if you have any thoughts.
I'm getting stuck on things.
And I know some are taking three names.
And some people two and then some just take the title.
Like Xanthous.
Having three seems off to me when I've gone by one so long. But it seems like it might be right?
It's complicated.
I'm not even on Alternia anymore why must life continue to be complicated.
Also I'm cutting out the diamond and putting in on my wall <> So I have proof.
<><><> Meulin
Feb-March
Date: 2016-07-14 01:18 am (UTC)A STRANGE SORT TOO. never written to no one like this. LETTERS OF EMPIRICAL ORDER AIN'T MUCH THE SAME AND SHIP CORRESPONDANCE CAME FAR QUICKER, EVEN FOR ITS FAULTS. mirth, even board writ has a feel a sorts different. DIFFERENCE IN TIDAL SEA TO RIVER FLOW. all beasts alike ain't feasting same, as is said.
I WISH TO ASK OF ALL. every piece given be more i may hold of thee. MY BELOVED. what occurences have made abouts? WHOM HAS HELD YOU A COMPATRIOT? what wonders have you seen? WHAT MIRACLES DO YOU DREAM ON? i've missed you. I'VE MISSED YOU SO DAMN MUCH.
conversed did i with a zephyr. IT MAY BE SO WE MAY ONE DAY MEET AGAIN. the when, however, remains elusive. I HOPE IT SOON. i pray. I WISH. i shall need to make writ all the more to bide until then. WRIT AND ALL GIFT I CAN MUSTER. piece and piece of heart until you may rebuild me where you are honk honk. :o)
OH MIRTH, TEREZI, I MISS YOU SO. it aches within me, the longing for you. A BITTERSWEET SORT IS THIS. like prayers of mercy met but still injury to bear. ONLY JUST BEYOND ARE YOU, YET STILL. do you recall the rings we wore? THE RING OF SKULLS YOU GIFTED ALSO? i have kept both with me, treasued, that i may have you nearer.
TO PREACH OF MYSELF, MUST GIVE ADMITTANCE UNTO A QUIET HERE. so different of alternia and the capitol. AND YET I WOULD NEVER NAME IT WITHOUT NO TRIAL AT ALL. merely a slower pace and one allowing of healing.
I HAVE MADE AMMENDS IN MANY A WAY. i sought forgiveness with a brother, peter, whom i lashed out for calling of my speach. HE'S A GOOD MOTHERFUCKER, I THINK, HE JUST AIN'T SEE IT YET. i hope he shall. HOPE HIS FEARS OF ME EASE.
waspfire also. MAY HAVE STIRRED SOMETHING AWFUL BY A SISTER. she was dragging up what was being past of xanthous. THE SINS OF MY FUTURE. couldn't be about it and made ill. BUT I THINK WE GOT SET NOW AS I'M NOT TO BE DOING SUCH THINGS NO MORE.
terezi, the sister truth living here by me, came abouts apologetic. FORGAVE OF COURSE. wasn't a thing up at all. STILL, SHE THINKS BEST HER LEAVE. wish she wouldn't. WISH SHE'D STAY. promised she could leave and i would bide by it. WOULD WAIT. tears at me some but such as things go.
XANTHOUS, MY BROTHER. he has sought ammend of his own soul. HE HAS RETURNED HIS SCARS OF OLD AND MADE NEW OF THEM. a macabre sort but. AS AM I. as are we. HE SEEMS HAPPIER OF THEM AND SO I ALSO.
i have sought to keep peace within the meadous here. I HAVE MADE ABOUTS MYSELF TO ACTING LIASON WHERE I MAY NEED. perhaps i ain't best suited. PERHAPS IT ALL SOMETHING MUCH. but i wanted, i suppose. I WANT THIS.
it has made me think of the signless. IT HAS MADE ME MISS HIM ALSO. but not only for that.
I DID SOMETHING. zephyr blessed many an amiphimemorial upon our lot the winter passed. MERE TOUCH AND ALL SO MANY A THING RETURNED. understand for some and all it was different. WOULD'VE ANTICIPATED A HARSHNESS CERTAIN HAD I KNOWN. should've got to guess.
YET IN MY MIND A MEMORY. my self spread the fuck through in briefest taste. I SOUGHT MORE, DID I. my brother. ME. us and we making up for one. I REMEMBERED, SISTER. in recollection before me lay beforus.
OH TEREZI. it was beautiful. A MOTHER FUCKIN MIRACLE UNDENIABLE. i recalled us all. TWELVE AS YOURS WAS TWELVE. friends as you all were friends. AND A PEACE. dear meulin. MY MOIRAIL. was so different then. SUCH A STRANGE SENSE IT BRINGS. to be fit together yet missing too all the same. PERHAPS SIMILAR IN SENSE OF BEING BITTERSWEET.
similar in view of stars above. ALL CAME TOGETHER RECENT, TALE AND IMAGE FOR ZEPHYR TO MAKE OF THE SKY. meulin made a cat, warm and reminding of her. XANTHOUS GOT ABOUT HIM CURSE IN STARS ABOVE, BRINGING ALL HUMOR. i made a feath of stars. MADE SYMBOLIC ALL THEM WHAT HELPED ME. all them missed. ZEPHYR TOOK FAVOR, ME AND A BERTIE. i was gifted sleep free of daymare by way of wrist piece. A STAR WORN UPON ME. has allowed me to dream sweet it has, something done on never before.
I DREAMT OF OUR STARS, BACKWAYS OF THE CAPITOL. i dreamt of yours and of mine. I DREAMT US MEETING THERE. i dreamt us all but me and you particular. I HOPE TO SEE YOU THEN COME SUNRISE. or maybe after. CAN'T PAINT THE VIEW WITHOUT STAYING ON FOR IT, DON'T YOU KNOW.
pity you dearly.
KURLOZ. ♑
[A painted sunrise has been included. Terezi is featured by a familiar silhouette.]
no subject
Date: 2016-07-21 02:49 am (UTC)1TS SO GOOD TO H34R FROM YOU. 1 M1SS3D YOU SO MUCH. SHOULD 1 P3PP3R MY L3TT3R W1TH TH4T S3NT3NC3 4S M4NY T1M3S 4S YOU D1D? H3H3H3. 1T W4S CUT3. 1 P1TY YOU. 1 P1TY YOU MOR3 TH4N 1 C4N ST4ND R1GHT NOW. BUT H4V1NG YOUR L3TT3R 1N MY H4NDS 1S B3TT3R TH4N NOTH1NG 4T 4LL. 1 4M SUR3 1 4M GO1NG TO R34D 1T 4 HUNDR3D T1M3S OV3R B3FOR3 TH1S L3TT3R G3TS B4CK TO YOU.
1 H4V3 NOT S33N 4NY WOND3RS S4DLY. 1 4M BL1ND, 1N C4S3 YOU FORGOT. >:P <3 1V3 DR34MT OF YOU OFT3N THOUGH. 4S OFT3N 4S 1 H4V3 M4N4G3D TO DR34M GOOD DR34MS. 1V3 M4D3 FR13NDS W1TH SOM3 OF TH3 P3OPL3 H3R3. 3LPH4B4 4ND 1 SH4R3 4 LOT OF THOUGHTS 4ND F33L1NGS. SH3 H4S 4 S3NS3 OF JUST1C3 1N H3R. 4ND 4 S3NS3 OF SASS AND HUMOR. 1 TH1NK W3 WOULD G3T 4LONG MOR3 F4MOUSLY 1F SH3 W4S W1LL1NG TO COOP3R4T3 W1TH TH3 R3FL3CT1ON 4T 4LL.
TH4TS WH4T W3 C4LL OUR GOD SOM3T1M3S. TH3 R3FL3CT1ON. F34R. SOM3 H4V3 T4K3N TO C4LL1NG TH3M COUR4G3 L4T3LY. 1 GU3SS TH4T 1S B3TT3R BUT 1 4M NOT SUR3 WH1CH 1 L1K3 B3ST. NON3 OF TH3M S33M TO R34LLY F1T HOW 1 F33L 4BOUT TH3M. 1TS TOUGH. 1T F33LS L1K3 4 LOT OF R3SPONS1B1LTY KNOW1NG TH4T W3 4R3 1N P4RT R3SPONS1BL3 FOR WH4T TH3Y 4R3. YOU KNOW? W3 ONLY G3T ON3 CH4NC3 TO G3T 1T R1GHT. 1 DONT TH1NK TH3Y GO THROUGH MULT1PL3 N4M3S L1K3 W3 DO.
1 M1SS YOU. TH3R3 1 S41D 1T 4G41N. YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO B3 S1CK OF R34D1NG THOS3 WORDS BY TH3 T1M3 TH1S 1S OV3R. 1 M1SS YOU SO MUCH. DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK W3 W1LL B3 4BL3 TO V1S1T ON3 4NOTH3R? YOU H4D B3TT3R NOT B3 T34S1NG M3. 1 DONT TH1NK MY H34RT COULD T4K3 1T. <333 1F 1 COULD V1S1T R1GHT NOW 1 WOULD 4LR34DY BY H4LFW4Y TH3R3. M4YB3 1 C4N 4SK OUR GOD 4S W3LL. M4YB3 1F W3 BOTH3R TH3M 3NOUGH W3 C4N H4R4SS TH3M 1NTO SUBM1SS1ON.
1T 1S H4RD TO 1M4G1N3 YOU 4S 4
P34C3K33P3RK33P3R OF TH3 P34C3. YOU W3R3 SUCH 4 TROUBL3M4K3R 1N P4N3M. FROM W4RLORD TO R3B3L TO P4C1F1ST. LOOK HOW F4R YOUV3 COM3. 3V3RY T1M3 1 TH1NK 4BOUT 1T 1 F33L SO PROUD OF YOU. 1TS L1K3 1 W4NT TO L4UGH BUT MY CH3ST F33LS TOO FULL. 3V3RY T1M3 1 F33L L1K3 TH1S PL4C3 1S TOO OV3RWH3LM1NG TH4T 1S WH4T 1 TH1NK OF. YOU PUSH3D SO F4R 4ND NOW 1T 1S MY TURN.1V3 B33N TRY1NG TO G3T TH3 OTH3RS TO R34L1Z3 1T TOO. WH4T TH3 PURPOS3 OF US B31NG H3R3 1S. 1T H4SNT B33N 34SY. YOUV3 T4UGHT M3 TH4T F4C1NG YOUR F34RS 1S 4 H4RD P4TH TO W4LK BUT T34CH1NG TH4T TO OTH3RS 1S JUST 4S H4RD. NO ON3 W4NTS TO LOOK 4T SOM3TH1NG TH3Y 4R3 4FR41D OF 4ND TRY TO UND3RST4ND TH4T 1T 1S GOOD FOR TH3M. BUT 4 F3W 4R3 ST4RT1NG TO COM3 4ROUND 4ND 1 TH1NK TH3 GOD 4PPR3C14T3S 1T. 1 TH1NK 1T 1S GOOD FOR TH3M TOO. WH3N W3 C4N UND3RST4ND TH3M 4ND WH4T TH3Y 4R3. TH3 C1RCUS 1S ST4RT1NG TO GROW 4 L1TTL3 MOR3.
YOU W1LL H4V3 TO T3LL M3 MOR3 OF B3FORUS. 1 ONLY KN3W 4 L1TTL3 B1T FROM WH4T S1GNL3SS M3NT1ON3D 4ND WH4T 1 H34RD 4R4N34 T3LL. BUT SH3 T4LK3D MOR3 4BOUT OUR 4LT3RN14N 4NC3STORS TH4N SH3 D1D 4BOUT TH31R B3FOR4N S3LV3S. W4S 1T R34LLY TH4T P34C3FUL? 1T 1S D1FF1CULT TO 1M4G1N3 4NY TROLLS L1V1NG P34C3FUL L1V3S. 1 4M 4 L1TTL3 S4D TH4T W3 COULDNT H4V3 ST4Y3D L1K3 TH4T. BUT TH3N M4YB3 1 WOULDNT H4V3 M3T YOU. SO... M4YB3 1 PR3F3R TH1S 4NYW4Y.
1 4M GL4D TH4T TH1NGS H4V3 B33N GO1NG W3LL OV3R TH3R3. 1TS 4 R3L13F TO M3. 1 W1SH 1 COULD B3 TH3R3 4T YOUR S1D3. 1 W4NT TO S1T UND3R YOUR ST4RS 4ND L1ST3N TO YOU T4LK 4BOUT 4LL TH3 TH1NGS YOUV3 PUT 1N YOUR SKY. OR 4NYTH1NG 4T 4LL R34LLY. 1 M1SS YOUR VO1C3. 4ND 1 M1SS YOUR K1SS3S. 4ND 1 M1SS TH3 W4Y TH4T 1 COULD WR4P MYS3LF UP 1N YOUR 4RMS 4ND F33L L1K3 TH3R3 W4S NO PL4C3 S4F3R 1N TH3 UN1V3RS3 TH4N R1GHT TH3R3.
1 M1SS YOU. 1 P1TY YOU. BOTH OF THOS3 GROW MOR3 4ND MOR3 W1TH 34CH P4SS1NG D4Y. <333 1 4M H4NG1NG BOTH OF TH3S3 1N MY T3NT. TH3 L3TT3R 4ND TH3 P1CTUR3. SO 3V3RYON3 C4N S33 TH3M 4ND KNOW TH4T 1 H4V3 TH3 B3ST M4T3SPR1T TH4T 4NYON3 COULD 3V3R 4SK FOR.
T3R3Z1 ♎
[A seashell has been sent along with the letter, wrapped loosely in the middle of the folded pages.]
April-May
Date: 2016-07-21 04:27 am (UTC)THE RELIEF IT BRINGS TO GRASP YOUR WRIT TEAL CLOSE. pepper it for all and any as you wish. IT SHALL NEVER DETER MY WANTING YOU. though i've agreement true, it is indeed betterlike. I PITY YOU. i pity you. OH SO MOTHERFUCKING MUCH DO I PITY.
enough as to concede my walking the fuck on into that. PERHAPS WE'VE BOTH A NEED OF NEW EYE. honk. :o)
SOMETIMES I IMAGINE THEM DREAMS A REALNESS. as perhaps what i dream matches on for that of you. THAT IT'S REAL AS REAL AND CONNECTED WE MOTHERFUCKING REMAIN. it makes the dreams sweeter. EVEN IF IT MAKES THE WAKE MORE TO ACHE.
elphaba sounds a good sort but for stubborness i suppose. WISH TO LOOK ON OUT FOR A FELLOW OF FEAR. but i can be on of an understanding for stubborness, i think at we both know.
NAMING SEEMS A DIFFICULT SORT. i can do about it with the goats i got but making responsibility and all like what you say is being so much bigger. TO BE OF ONE AND DONE IS A DIFFICULTY. can't even ask the little motherfuckers how's they's feeling at it. ALL SAYING AS IT'S WHATEVER WE'S WILLING. can't help wishing it wasn't sometimes. I WORRY ON MINE, DON'T YOU KNOW? zephyr seems a good kid. KIND. scares the fuck out of me. REMINDS ME AS LIKE HOW I USED TO BE. i hope he ain't go through nothing of the likes of i. EVEN IF I GOT COMING OUT THE OTHER SIDE THANKS AS WHAT'S TO YOU. wish i could proctect them of all every but all they's wanting is protecting we. I'D PRAY TO MESSIAHS FOR IT BUT
i don't think zephyr a god. I THINK THEM POWERFUL AND GREAT AND GOOD. but they are not the messiahs. I FEARED SO LONG TO SAY AS SO THAT WHEN I CAME TO ADMITTANCE, I THOUGHT I'D BE PURGED OF THE MEADOUS. or perhaps my faith would bring punishment upon the others. IT WAS NOT SO AND MY JOY, OH SISTER, I CANNOT EXPRESS IT FULL. still, i've not yet came to praying yet. MAYBE TONIGHT. feel better after writing of it.
ALL BEING THE SAME, SUCH POWERS IS TRUE. as is what i'm believing their promise. WE WILL MEET AGAIN. you and i. US AND WE. :o) <3
i assure it's as hard to fathom for i as well, a keeper of peace. WARLORD TO REBEL TO PACIFIST. sounds all a bigger motherfucking deal put like that. YOUR PRIDE BRINGS ABOUT THE SAME FEELINGS TO ME. this feels good. IT FEELS RIGHT. like maybe this is what the subjugglators should have been. I AIN'T KNOW. just know i've got my belief on in you. A DIFFICULT PATH INDEED YOU FACE BUT I KNOW YOU'LL GET ABOUTS TO IT. know that i am always here to be helping. WOULD KNOW WELL, AFTER ALL. ;o)
a growing circus is a good circus for matter of fact. :o) AND A GOOD ONE CAME ABOUTS BEFORUS TOO. i have learned so much more of my faith. UNDERSTANDINGS COME ABOUT OF ME. how the faith was really meant. I REMEMBER ARANEA. i ain't think she liked me very much though. :o( SHE SEEMED AS WHAT'S BEING NICE BUT JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HER STRUCK ON LIKE SHE'D BE RATHERING I SHUT MY TRAP. did my best, truly. AIN'T LIKE SHE DIDN'T TALK ON TOO. or maybe she was figuring me to be creepy haha. COULD FATHOM THAT.
it was so peaceful. NOT PERFECT. caste system still abouts and some of my friends wasn't to be having it well. MEENAH TOOK OFF ON TO THE MOTHERFUCKING MOON, CAN YOU BELIEVE ON THAT? the moon. JUST SO SHE DIDN'T NEED CARING FOR NO ONE. i don't know. CARING ON OTHERS AIN'T SOUND TOO BAD. least not the way my ancestor did it for me.
I'VE A SADNESS DEEP AS IT GOT ENDED. but i know it ended for reasons good. I GOT TO MEET YOU. i was fated something terrible two fold but by this i can feel and i can know you and all is being well. MAYBE FOR ALL WHAT CRUELTY IT IS, I'M HAPPY AS TO BE HERE ALSO. though it would be all the better if you was in reach.
RECENTLY I'VE MADE A MARKET AT OF THE MEADOUS. kept remembering the old one where at i used to live, bluewash. THIS ONE'S NICE. hope to see it grow. A CONFESSIONAL AS WELL HAS BEGUN ON MY DOING. people have been using it. I THINK IT'S REALLY GOTTEN HELP FOR HEALING. :o)
the terezi here, truth lets be calling her, she came about the end of a long haul of denying a death done on deep. SOMETHING RUINOUS, A GIRL. but i think this mightbe good step for healing too. XANTHOUS MEAN THE FUCKIN WHILE HAS TURNED SCAR TO PATTERN BEAUTIFUL UPON HIM. i've helped three motherfuckers as came into confessional.
YET FOR ALL SUCH HEALING, AIN'T NO MOTHERFUCKER WHAT'S LUCKIER THAN ME. afraid you're wrong, sister. I HAVE THE BEST MATESPRIT AS FOR WHICH MIGHT AT BE ASKED. :o) the shell is beautiful. REMINDS OF YOU.
perhaps a night soon, none so far of now. CAN BE ABOUT ON THE BEACHES. can imagine there, just you and me. MAKE IMAGINING OF IT, MY ARMS AROUND YOU. you being tucked close at to me. MY BELOVED. a kiss to your head. TO YOUR EYES EACH. to your lips. NOTHING COULDN'T NEVER HARM YOU. you'd smell are stares as rubies overhead. WOULD TELL OVER AND OVER ALL YOU WISHED.
how much i pity.
KURLOZ. ♑
[Another painting has been included, this one more matching his typical abstract splattery style, but still within two figures may be seen wrapped around one another, spirits intertwined.]
no subject
Date: 2016-08-28 04:48 am (UTC)MY LOV3. MY KURLOZ. H3H3H3. 4R3 YOU BLUSH1NG Y3T? OR M4YB3 YOU 4R3 W34R1NG TH4T SW33T 4ND DOP3Y SM1L3 OF YOURS. 1F YOU 4R3 WOND3R1NG WH4T 1 M34N, 1T 1S 4 LOOK TH4T YOU WOULD G3T SOM3T1M3S WH3N YOU LOOK3D 4T M3. 1 NOT1C3D 1T 4 LONG LONG T1M3 4GO. W4Y B3FOR3 YOU K1SS3D M3 TH4T F1RST T1M3. 1T US3D TO M4K3 M3 F33L L1K3... L1K3 MY H34RT W4S FL1PP1NG OV3R 1N MY CH3ST. 1T ST1LL DO3S. 1T F3LT L1K3 SOM3TH1NG 4M4Z1NG WH3N YOU WOULD LOOK 4T M3 L1K3 TH4T. L1K3 SOM3TH1NG SOFT 4ND G3NTL3 4ND GOOD. <3
DO YOU REALLY TH1NK W3 DR34M TOG3TH3R? 1 WOULD L1K3 TO TH1NK TH4T W3 DO. 1T WOULD M34N B31NG JUST 4 L1TTL3 B1T CLOS3R TO YOU. 1T 34S3S TH3 4CH3 OF B31NG SO F4R 4W4Y. BUT TH3N 1 TH1NK 1 SHOULD PROB4BLY B3 MOR3 4SH4M3D OF 4 F3W OF THOS3 DR34MS... NO YOU C4N NOT 4SK 4BOUT TH3M. 1 R3FUS3 TO T3LL. NOT UNL3SS YOU COM3 OV3R H3R3 P3RSON4LLY 4ND M4K3 M3. OTH3RW1S3 MY L1PS 4R3 S34L3D. WH4T 4 SH4M3.
ON TH3 TOP1C OF YOUR Z3PHYR: 1 4M SUR3 TH4T TH3Y W1LL B3 OK4Y. TH3Y H4V3 YOU TO W4TCH OV3R TH3M 4FT3R 4LL. TH3R3 1S NO B3TT3R P3RSON OUT TH3R3 TO K33P SOM3ON3 S4F3. 1 KNOW YOU W1LL PUT YOUR H34RT 1NTO 1T L1K3 YOU 4LW4YS DO. 4ND 3V3N 1F TH3Y 4R3NT 4 GOD...4ND 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T 4NY OF TH3M 4R3... 1T DO3SNT CH4NG3 HOW MUCH YOU C4R3 R1GHT? 1M GL4D TH4T TH3Y S33 TH4T TOO. 1M GL4D YOUR3 ST1LL 4LLOW3D TO H4V3 YOUR OWN B3L13FS. YOU ST1LL OW3 M3 4NOTH3R C4RN1V4L BY TH3 W4Y. TH3 N3XT T1M3 W3 M33T 1 1NT3ND TO COLL3CT SO YOU H4D B3TT3R B3 R34DY W1TH SOM3 M3RRY M4K1NG.
SP34K1NG OF B3L13FS 4ND STUFF... 1V3 B33N TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 4 LOT OF TH1NGS L4T3LY. STUFF TH4T H4PP3N3D B3FOR3 1 C4M3 H3R3 4ND STUFF S1NC3 TH3N. 1 F33L S1LLY WR1T1NG TH1S BUT 1 4M G3TT1NG R34LLY 4TT4CH3D TO TH1S L1TTL3 GOD CH1LD. L1K3 1 S41D 1 DONT R34LLY TH1NK TH3Y 4R3 4 GOD BUT 1 W4NT TO H3LP TH3M 4NYW4Y. 1 W4NT TH3M TO G3T STRONG3R 4ND 1 W4NT 3V3RYON3 TO UND3RST4ND TH3M 4ND WH4T TH3Y 4R3 TRY1NG TO DO. SOM3ON3 M3NT1ON3D TH4T 1 W4S 4CT1NG L1K3 SOM3 K1ND OF... 1 DONT KNOW. 1T F33LS DUMB TO WR1T3 1T OUT BUT. L1K3 SOM3 K1ND OF 4COLYT3. 1 4M NOT R34LLY SUR3 HOW 1 F33L 4BOUT TH4T. 1M NOT 3V3N SUR3 WHY 1 4M T3LL1NG YOU. 1TS COMPL1C4T3D. >:[
4NYW4Y... YOUR M4RK3T SOUNDS WOND3RFUL. W3 DONT H4V3 4NYTH1NG L1K3 TH4T H3R3. THOUGH 1 GU3SS W3 DONT N33D TO. TH3R3 1SNT MUCH 1N TH3 W4Y OF FOOD SOURC3S 4ROUND TH3 4R34. 4LL OF OUR FOOD 1S PROV1D3D FOR US E4CH D4Y. 1T F33LS W31RD NOT B31NG 4BL3 TO HUNT 4ND G4TH3R FOR MYS3LF THOUGH. 1V3 FOUND 4 F3W P4TCH3S OF W1LD B3RR13S 4ND SOM3T1M3S 1 4DD THOS3 TO TH3 M34L T4BL3 BUT 1V3 B33N TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 4SK1NG FOR MOR3 4N1M4LS 1N OUR FOR3ST. YOU H4D 4 LOT OF D1FF3R3NT K1NDS 1N YOURS.
TRUTH 1S 4 FUNNY N4M3 TO C4LL SOM3ON3. DO 1 H4V3 4 N4M3 TOO? S4M ST4RT3D C4LL1NG M3 SN4PDR4GON WH3N W3 W3R3 1N D1STR1CT TH1RT33N. 1T 1S 4 K1ND OF PL4NT WH3R3 TH3 FLOW3RS LOOK 4 B1T L1K3 DR4GON H34DS. 1F YOU SQU33Z3 TH3M JUST R1GHT TH3N TH3Y POP OP3N L1K3 TH3Y 4R3 RO4R1NG. 1 L1K3 TH3M. >:] 1T SOUNDS L1K3 TH1NGS 4R3 3V3NTFUL OV3R TH3R3. 1 HOP3 TH3Y TURN OUT W3LL. T3LL X4NTHOUS TH4T 1 S41D H1. 1 D1D NOT G3T TO T4LK TO H1M N34RLY 3NOUGH WH1L3 V1S1T1NG.
YOU 4R3 T34S1NG M3 SOM3TH1NG HORR1BL3 YOU KNOW. YOU P41NT SUCH 4 B34UT1FUL P1CTUR3 W1TH YOUR 4RT 4ND YOUR WORDS. YOU 4ND M3 UND3R TH3 ST4RS 4ND WR4PP3D UP TOG3TH3R. 1T M4K3S M3 W1SH 1T W4S TRU3. YOU'V3 G1V3N M3 4 M34NS TO TORTUR3 MYS3LF, 4ND 1 4M 4FR14D 1M NOT GO1NG TO L3T 1T GO. I M1SS W4K1NG UP N3XT TO YOU. 1 M1SS OUR GOOD N1GHTS 4ND GOOD MORN1NGS. 1 M1SS SH4R1NG M34LS TOG3TH3R. 1 M1SS R34D1NG STOR13S TOG3TH3R B3FOR3 L1GHTS OUT. 1 3V3N M1SS H3LP1NG W1TH YOUR P41NT. 1 MISS YOU. 1 P1TY YOU. MOR3 TH4N 4NYTH1NG 1 P1TY YOU.
1 N33D TO GO FOR NOW. 1 DONT W4NT TO BUT 1 C4NT K33P WR1T1NG TO YOU FOR3V3R OR YOU W1LL N3V3R G3T TH1S. <3 1 W1LL 34G3RLY 4W41T YOUR N3XT L3TT3R. 1 W1LL 3V3N 34G3RL13R 4W41T TH3 N3XT T1M3 W3 C4N B3 TOG3TH3R. 4ND TH4T 1S MOST D3F1N1T3LY 4 WORD. PROM1S3.
FOR3V3R YOURS <3
T3R3Z1 ♎
[A painting has been attached to her letter this time, something reminiscent of the wall and floor art that they used to draw together.]
June-July
Date: 2016-09-21 02:28 am (UTC)AIN'T THE SLIGHTEST INKLING TO MEANING, SMILES PARTICULAR. is what would all be up and said, had i not a name for it to give. THE FEELING OF BEHOLDING YOU, IN ANY WAYS OR FORM TO BE BEHOLDEN TO. the pity insurmountable. TO BE GRACED WITH SHE OF SUCH BEAUTY, WISDOM, AND WONDER. a girl what's soft and gentle and good to him what smiles so. HONK. <3
think we do. WHY ALL THE FUCK NOT? why couldn't at we. PLENTY AS GETS ABOUT THINGS BEFORE. we've connection enough. LET US FILL THE DISTANCE. let us up and believe for our hearts tell us true.
EXCEPT WHEN A SISTER IS SECRETING SHAMES! how cruel she is. BUT IF THAT IS HOW SHE IS TO BE SHE SHALL LEARN NOTHING OF MINE. ;o)
been thinking on what you wrote herelike. THINKING WELL BEFORE I MADE IT WRIT. care without worship. BUT IT AIN'T LESSER TO ZEPHYR. wonder maybe, if that's what messiahs meant for you. YOU WERE DESTINED TO KNOW THEM, HAD OUR FUTURES PROGRESSED AS THEY WERE MEANT. been thinking, maybe, for all lack of faith, might've been okay, you and them. THEY AND YOU. and such care may have been there also. I AIN'T KNOW. such speculations serve none but mine own. NOTHING TO YOU. nothing to messiahs. NOTHING ON A FUTURE WHAT MEANS NOTHING TO US. guess i just want knowing that they'd care on you too, beyond my believing of it.
WHICH IS BEING TO SAY, IT AIN'T SOUND SILLY AT TO ME. in spaces samelike, really. ACOLYTE THOUGH? ain't sound like you. GUESS IT'S BEING A THING ON HOW YOU FEEL OF IT THOUGH, MY SISTER, THOUGH YOU AIN'T CERTAIN ON FEELING. acolytes is followers typically. ONES WHAT IS ASSISTING IN CEREMONY ESPECIALLY. not a thing what to be ashamed of, such servitude. BUT IF IT AIN'T BELIEVING YOURS, THEN ACOLYTE AIN'T APT, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
envious am i, to some motherfucking degree. THINK I'D GROW WEARY WITH A LACK OF HUNT BUT. miss kicking the shit communal with brothers and sisters of the carnival. EVEN IF I DIDN'T HAVE ON NO REAL FRIEND BACK THEN, THINGS GET ALL BLURRED UP IN THE LOT. you forget who you is and think more what you are; part of a family. ESPECIALLY IF A SONG GOT ABOUTS AMONG THE ELIXIR SPILL HONK. :o) pray your success with gaining beasts' variety.
IT IS A FUNNY NAME, SUPPOSE, BUT IT FITS OF HER. and it ain't no funnier than me being fear, could say. YOU DO GOT A NAME. i consider you trust. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE. it is what you up and teach and learn simultaneous. IT AS BEAUTIFUL A THING AS YOU.
speaking of she, hadn't much given tell to her of you. WELL, THAT AIN'T TRUE. spoke well of you a lot. PASSED KNOWLEDGE YOU GAVE ONTO HER. told her how i missed. BUT WITH WHAT ALL ILL SHE FEELS OF OTHERS LIKE HER, DIDN'T THINK IT IMPORTANT TO TELL NAME. you ain't the same, after all. AND A GIRL NEVER UP AND ASKED. was angry at first, of course, but i think she came to making me understood. JUST NEEDS TO COME ABOUT LIKING HERSELF. i've hope for her. SAID I COULD TELL SOON WHAT A HERO YOU ARE TO ME TOO. looking forward to that. FIGURED YOU OUGHT KNOW I THINK YOU A HERO ALSO. :o)
will need seeking out some snapdragons for mine own then. SOUND CUTE AS FUCK. meaning you of course. :o) A HOMIE WHAT HAD AFFILIATION WITH THE FLORAL CAME ON ABOUT. he named for me the belladonna, deadly nightshade. WOULD BE WEARY OF SEEKING THEM OUT THOUGH, APPARENTLY THEY'VE A POISON TO THEM WITHOUT HANDLING KNOWLEDGEABLE. motherfucker told me so. COULD TALK TO TREES APPARENT, AS RIDICULOUS AS ALL THINGS IS BEING. apparently they named this brother peacemaker. NOT SURE ON HOW TO THINK ON THAT.
regards will be sent to xanthous posthaste. AND REGRET NOT SLIGHTEST BIT OF A TEASING MAKING HAPPENSTANCE. ;o)
especially when she deals such cruelty sweet right on abouts in turn. ALL THE SUNSETS MYSTICAL COULDN'T COMPARE TO SEEING YOUR FACE IN WAKING LIGHT OF THEM. hearing your voice is better than any tale what one could tell. YOUR TOUCH, A MIRACLE.
begun making a shrine to the messiahs. WISHED MYSELF THE GOSPELEVITY WHOLE. my every prayer will have something of you in it. I HAVE PAINTED THE TENT IN ALL MY MIRACLES GAINED, MY FAMILY, AND THUSLY I HAVE PAINTED IT IN YOUR PITY AND MINE FOR YOU. as is just. <3
eageriestly yours,
KURLOZ.
[A painting of the tent has been included, featuring his own kneeling self her image in the smoke of burning herbs.]
no subject
Date: 2017-01-20 05:06 am (UTC)YOUR3 SO UNF41R. HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3 TO SHOW3R YOU W1TH COMPL1M3NTS 1F YOU K33P TURN1NG TH3M B4CK ON M3? YOU H4V3 YOUR OWN SOFTN3SS. YOUR OWN GOODN3SS. YOU 4R3 MOR3 TH4N JUST TH3 TH1NGS 1 H4V3 G1V3N TO YOU. 4ND 1 W1LL K33P 1NS1ST1NG TH4T YOU 4R3 4LL OF TH3S3 WOND3R TH1NGS UNT1L 1 4M T34L 1N TH3 F4C3.
1F 1 W3R3 TH3R3 R1GHT NOW 1 WOULD 4SS3RT MY TRUTHS 4ND TH3N ST34L YOUR PROT3STS 4W4Y W1HT 4 THOUS4ND K1SS3S. BUT S1NC3 1 4M NOT, YOU W1LL H4V3 TO S1MPLY TRUST M3. <3
1 C4NT S4Y WH4T YOUR M3SS14HS WOULD H4V3 4 C4R3 FOR. 1 4M NOT SUR3 TH4T 1 WOULD H4V3 4 C4R3 FOR M3 1F 1 W3R3 SOM3 K1ND OF OMN1SC13NT CR34TUR3. PR1M4R1LY B3C4US3 1 DO NOT R34LLY B3L13V3 1N OMN1SC13NT CR34TUR3S. SO TH4T WOULD PROB4BLY B3 PR3TTY 1NSULT1NG.
BUT 1 C4R3 4BOUT YOU. 4ND 1 C4R3 4BOUT TH3 TH1NGS TH4T YOU C4R3 4BOUT. SO FOR WH4T 1T 1S WORTH, 1 WOULD 4T L34ST TRY TO B3 C1V1L. WH1CH 4S YOU KNOW 1S 4 HUG3 L34P OF R3STR41NT FOR M3. <3
1 H4V3 TO 4GR33 THOUGH... 4COLYT3 DO3SNT R34LLY SOUND L1K3 M3. BUT 1 DO G3T WH4T TH3Y W3R3 TRY1NG TO S4Y. 1 4M JUST NOT SUR3 1F 1 W4NT TO L1K3 1T TO SOM3 K1ND OF R3L1G1OUS S3NT1M3NT. 4S 1 JUST M3NT1ON3D 1 DO NOT R34LLY B3L13V3 1N GODS. WH4T3V3R TH3S3 CH1LD 4R3, TH3Y 4R3 POW3RFUL. BUT NOT GODS. >:? 4T L34ST NOT 4NY MOR3 TH4N 1 4M TO 34RTH HUM4NS.
H4V3 1 M3NT1ON3D HOW CUT3 YOU 4R3? 4LL TH3S3 SW33T N4M3S FOR M3 4ND YOU ST1LL M4N4G3 TO F1ND Y3T MOR3 N1CKN4M3S. 1 TH1NK 1 L1K3 1T THOUGH. TRUST. 1T GO3S W3LL W1TH YOU B31NG F34R. L1K3 TWO P4RTS OF TH3 S4M3 CO1N. TWO H4LV3S OF TH3 S4M3 WHOL3. <3<3<3
1 HOP3 YOU H4V3 M4N4G3D TO SORT 3V3RYTH1NG OUT W1TH TH3 M3 TH4TS OV3R TH3R3. 1 4M ST1LL NOT K33N ON H3R Y3LL1NG 4T YOU... BUT YOU 4R3 4 B1G TROLL 4ND YOU C4N H4NDL3 YOUR OWN PROBL3MS.
USU4LLY.
1 4M TRY1NG H4RD NOT TO WORRY 4BOUT YOU SO MUCH. 1 GOT SO US3D TO B31NG TH3R3 FOR YOU. 1 TH1NK 1 TOLD YOU TH4T. BUT 1T 1S H4RD. NOT 4LL MY DR34MS OF YOU H4V3 B33N K1ND. SOM3T1M3S 1 W4K3 4ND 4LL 1 W4NT 1S TO KNOW TH4T YOUR3 S4F3. 1T 1S 3NOUGH TO DR1V3 M3 CR4ZY.
1F YOU G3T 4 CH4NC3 TO V1S1T 4G41N, 1 W1LL F1ND SOM3 SN4PDR4GONS FOR YOU. TH3N YOU W1LL KNOW WH4T TH3Y LOOK L1K3. M4YB3 YOU C4N SHOW M3 TH3 ON3 FOR YOU 4S W3LL. 1 PROM1S3 1 W1LL B3 C4R3FUL NOT TO TOUCH 1T. OR L1CK 1T.
1 TH1NK P34C3M4K3R F1TS YOU W3LL. 1TS 4 L1TTL3 S1M1L4R TO P34C3K33P3R THOUGH, 4ND 1 4M NOT SUR3 TH4T 4NYON3 N33DS TO B3 R3M1ND3D OF THOS3. BUT TH3 CONNOT4T1ON F1TS. YOU W3R3 4LW4YS GOOD 4T STR1V1NG FOR P34C3. YOU W3R3 4LW4YS LOOK1NG OUT FOR 3V3RYON3 3LS3.
YOU W1LL H4V3 TO SHOW M3 YOUR SHR1N3 TOO, 1F W3 G3T THOS3 V1S1T1NG HOURS 4G41N. 1 M1SS YOU SO MUCH, 1 HOP3 TH3Y COM3 SOON. 1 W4NT TO SM3LL 4LL TH3 B34UT1FUL TH1NGS YOU H4V3 P41NT3D. 1 W4NT TO HOLD ON TO YOU 4ND T4ST3 TH3 SW33T BL4CKB3RRY OF YOUR K1SS3S.
SOM3T1M3S 1 W1LL S1T ON TH3 SHOR3 4ND L1ST3N TO TH3 SOUND OF TH3 W4V3S. 1T ST1LL SC4R3S M3 4 L1TTL3, BUT MOR3 TH4N TH4T, 1T R3M1NDS M3 OF YOU. 1 TH1NK 1 4M G3TT1NG B3TT3R. 1 M4N4G3D TO W4D3 OUT P4ST MY KN33S TH3 OTH3R D4Y. 1 TH1NK 1 STOOD TH3R3 FOR N34RLY T3N M1NUT3S B3FOR3 TH3 4BJ3CT T3RROR OF SOM3TH1NG GR4BB1NG M3 4ND DR4GG1NG M3 UND3R TH3 W4T3R DROV3 M3 B4CK TO DRY L4ND.
PROGR3SS >:?
1 HOP3 ON3 D4Y W3 W1LL B3 4BL3 TO GO SW1MM1NG TOG3TH3R 4G41N. 1 ST1LL W1SH 1 H4D PUT THOS3 SW1MM1NG L3SSONS YOU G4V3 M3 TO B3TT3R US3.
1 N33D TO GO 4G41N. YOUR P1CTUR3 1S B34UT1FUL. 1 PUT 1T UP BY MY COT SO TH4T 3V3RYON3 C4N S33 HOW T4L3NT3D MY M4T3SPR1T 1S. 1T 1S TH3 F1RST TH1NG 1 SP3LL UPON ON W4K1NG, 4ND TH3 L4ST TH1NG B3FOR3 SL33P1NG. TH4NK YOU <333
4S 4LW4YS YOUR S33R <3
T3R3Z1 ♎
[This time, Terezi has included a picture of the shore with the perpetual sunset hanging over it. The colors are vivid and reminiscent of the murals they used to do on the Training Center walls.]
no subject
Date: 2017-01-20 06:52 am (UTC)FAIR AIN'T GOT NONE TO DO WITH IT. doing with it for naught is the wicked shit up and being. I BESTOW TRUTHS OF A GIRL SO GOOD. and kind.
TIMES I FEEL AN IMPOSTER, UNDER SUCH THINGS YOU SPEAK. seeking hard not to be falling through on what things you're to be believing. THINK THE DISSAPOINTMENT WOULD KILL A BROTHER. but then, suppose them kisses yours would help bring him back sure and certain, ain't wouldn't they? :o)
HEH. yeah i guess insult would be sorts held. BUT I'D VOUCH FOR SHE AND HER RESTRAINTS. ;o)
feel likewise upon that. GUARDIANS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A SORT TO DO FOR ME. speaking upon such, truth has chosen a title, earning pride of me. GUARDIAN ALETHEIA TREEWYRM. announced as much by abling new to commune of such growths as trees is and intent to get back to protecting this place as with me by guard patrol, well sorted. AND MENTION UPON A WRIGGLING DAY. which might at be meaning it's yours too? :o? I'VE NEVER BEEN KNOWING WHAT TO BE DOING ON SUCH NOISE. whatever it is, hope it's good.
ON GUARDIANS WHAT AIN'T SO GOOD, FOUND SOME QUARREL WITH ZEPHYR'S GRANDMOTHER. (strange title, that, mothers and fathers and grand highs. REMINDS OF MY ANCESTOR.) she got on like we didn't belong here, then got pissy when at my compromising of keeping zephyr well and our people safe ain't wasn't legit, i guess. THEN I GOT MY RAGE ON TOO WHEN SAYINGS WERE SAID LIKE I HAD NOT GIVEN ENOUGH TO MY GODS TRUE. stupid really, both got wanting for zephyr's wellness, we. BOTH GOT WANTING TO PROTECT THE GOOD OF THEM. it turned out alright, in the end, i think. WISH I COULD RID OF THAT TEMPER ENTIRE THOUGH.
i've strayed well now in talk. GLAD YOU LIKE THE NAMING. puts good sense to how i'm being to feel of you. ALL THEM THINGS PREACHED UPHELD IN HEART BY ME, SAY TRUE. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
breaks this pusher here to read them other things following. :o( OUGHT BE ONLY GOOD DREAMS FOR MY GIRL. let him write in lieu of being there. I AM SAFE. i am well. I AM THINKING OF YOU ALWAYS. let it be held and read whenever at you need. AND IF YOU AIN'T BELIEVE SO, KNOW YOUR MOIRAIL WOULD GIVE ME HELL IF I AIN'T WASN'T BEING SO. i pity you.
AND THERE YOU IS, PREACHING OF THINGS HE AIN'T KNOW HE'S BEING. does peace striving count truly by one who was so entrenched in war? I AIN'T CERTAIN. but, i guess i'd like to be all that. WOULD LIKE FOR THAT WHOLE OF HEART. been trying to show it's here, in this world, to them what ain't know so. PETER. jeremy. THANKFULLY GOT A WHOLE LOT HERE WHAT ARE BEING TO HELP. i wish you were here.
BUT I GOT SOMEONE SHOWING ON UP INSTEAD. can you believe, my shrine all set and in comes this sister of paint and faith and family? I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. i ain't know if you ever felt as like that with other teals none, but finding another indigo? ALMOST LIKE COMING HOME. she's your time, i think. FIRST TIME IN SWEEPS SOMEONE KNEW ME FOR THE HIGHBLOOD AND I WASN'T BEING ASHAMED OF IT. i guess, with my lot, it's different. LIKE THEY'RE SEEING ME FOR A PREACHER AND NOT WHAT ALL OTHER BITS IT WAS. good to have family again.
BREAKING MY HEART AGAIN; SOME COUNT GOING THIS LETTER. it sounds like progress at to me, doing what all you've done. THAT'S FAIR SIGNIFICANT, I'M BEING TO THINK. i'm proud of you. AND I'D SURE AS FUCK LIKE TO BE DOING THEM THINGS WITH YOU SOME DAY. can't recall as if i ever told you of the gills i got for what was being a few days. IT WAS REALLY MOTHERFUCKING COOL DOWN BENEATH. until it got cold. HONK. :o( was alright of course, this was well before we first wrote. ALL WELL AND GOOD WITH FRIENDS AS WAS BY ME.
flattering girl. OF COURSE, GOT ALL YOUR PAINTINGS UP AND UP TOO. makes me miss that place we were at, almost. BUT ONLY BECAUSE I'M MISSING GETTING ABOUT IT AT WITH YOU.
yours eternal in perfect pitying bliss, <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
KURLOZ.
[He paints her the belladonna flower, this time, writing that he looks forward to them snapdragons, but especially her. A winking clown face is included.]
no subject
Date: 2017-02-17 02:24 am (UTC)1 4M GL4D TO KNOW TH4T 1F 1 SHOULD F1ND MYS3LF 4CCOST3D BY OMN1SC13NT B31NGS, TH4T YOU W1LL B3 TH3R3 TO VOUCH FOR M3. WH4T 4 NOBL3 PR1NC3 YOU 4R3. <3 1 WOULD SUGG3ST TH4T M4YB3 YOU NOT T3LL TH3M 4BOUT *4LL* TH3 R3STR41NTS 1 M4Y H4V3 4T MY D1SPOS4L THOUGH. JUST TH3 PROP3R ON3S. >;]
1 4LMOST FORGOT TH4T MY WR1GGL1NG D4Y W4S SO CLOS3. 1 LOST TR4CK OF 1T COMPL3T3LY 4FT3R ALL OF THE SHUFFLING AROUND BETWEEN PANEM AND HERE. OUR GOD CH1LD R3M3MB3R3D, 3V3N 1F 1 4M NOT SUR3 HOW TH3Y KN3W 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3.
TH3Y W3R3NT QU1T3 4S SUR3 OF TH3 NUMB3R TO PUT TO 1T, THOUGH. 1 TH1NK TH4T M1GHT H4V3 TO DO W1TH WH4T TH3 C4P1TOL D1D. W3 N3V3R R34LLY GOT TO 4G3 TH3R3. SO 4CCORD1NG TO 4T L34ST ON3 OMN1SC13NT CR34TUR3, 1 4M 31TH3R S3V3NT33N OR N1N3T33N Y34RS OLD. WH1CH 1 TH1NK TR4NSL4T3S TO 31TH3R 8 OR 9 SW33PS? 1 DONT R3M3MB3R TH3 CONV3RS1ON V3RY W3LL.
1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT PL34S3... DONT 3V3R W1SH TH4T YOU COULD G3T R1D OF YOUR T3MP3R 3NT1R3LY. YOU WOULDNT B3 YOU W1THOUT 1T. YOU C4R3. 4 LOT. YOU WOULDNT G3T 4NGRY 1F YOU D1DNT C4R3, 4ND 1V3 W1TN3SS3D YOU W1THOUT 1T. 1T JUST 1SNT TH3 S4M3. 1 P1TY YOU, 4LL OF YOU, JUST TH3 W4Y YOU 4R3.
4ND TH4NK YOU FOR TH3 SW33T WORDS YOUV3 G1V3N M3. 1V3 R34D YOUR L3TT3RS OV3R 4ND OV3R SO M4NY T1M3S, BUT TH1S ON3 W1LL B3 SP3C14L. 1 W1LL K33P 1T N3XT TO M3 WH3N 1 SL33P, SO 1 C4N R34D YOUR WORDS WH3N 1 W4K3 4ND V4NQU1SH 4NY F34RS FOR YOUR W3LLB31NG. 1T WONT B3 4S GOOD 4S H4V1NG YOU N34R. BUT 1T 1S TH3 N3XT B3ST TH1NG. <3 <3 <3
YOU KNOW, WH3N 1 R34D TH4T 4NOTH3R 1ND1GO H4D SHOW3N UP, 1 W4SNT SUR3 WH4T TO TH1NK. 1 H4V3 ONLY KNOWN THR33 1ND1GO3S 1N 4NY K1ND OF R3C3NT M3MORY, 4ND ROSS4N B4R3LY COUNTS. 4T F1RST 1 W4S WORR13D, BUT... 1 4M GL4D YOU H4V3 SOM3 F4M1LY W1TH YOU. TH4T YOU H4V3 SOM3ON3 TO DO YOUR C4RN1V4L TH1NGS W1TH.
1 4M SORRY TO BR34K YOUR H34RT SO MUCH. 1 DONT M34N TO. 1 JUST THOUGHT TH4T YOU WOULD W4NT TO KNOW, 4ND 1 DONT W4NT TO H1D3 4NYTH1NG FROM YOU. 3V3N TH3 TH1NGS TH4T 4R3 D1FF1CULT TO T4LK 4BOUT. 1 W1LL TRY TO M4K3 1T UP TO YOU WH3N W3 M33T 4G41N. 1 W1LL S4V3 UP 3V3RY GOOD THOUGHT 4ND 3V3RY K1SS UNT1L TH3N.
D34RLY YOURS <3 <3 <3
T3R3Z1 ♎
[She draws him a picture of snapdragons this time. On the page, she's also doodled a heart with the two of their names written inside it.]
Nov-Dec
Date: 2017-02-19 02:01 am (UTC)YOU WERE IN MY ARMS FOR ALL THAT TIME. within my motherfucking reach you were. TO HEAR YOUR VOICE, SEE YOUR FACE, TO FEEL YOU THERE. not even the sweetest dreams provided by zephyr could ever compare. IT BLOOMS BRIGHT IN MY EXISTANCE, EVEN AS SHORT AS ALL THE TIME SEEMED. i pity you. I HAD THOUGHT I MIGHT MISS YOU LESS WITH YOU THERE BUT I ONLY DO MORE.
and there you are winking at me with them secret things. WHERE THE MOTHER FUCK EVER DID YOU LEARN SUCH, SISTER? but do not tell me. KEEP THE MIRACLES AS THEY ARE. honk. HONK. ;oD
zephyr knew for mine too. BY MORE HUMAN TERMS AT LEAST. but that suits me fine. I DIDN'T DO UPON NONE OF THAT UNTIL MEETING HUMANS. and i get to say like my life started with you. :o)
I'D PICK WHATEVER ALL SUITS. in a hundred years, i'm sure we'll lose count completely. HONK.
i suppose i wouldn't rid of it penultimate. I KNOW HAVING SOME IS IMPORTANT. how else is one saying no? MUCH AS I HATE IT SOMETIMES, IT DID SAVE MY LIFE. it kept me up, before i met you. I'D ONLY WANT IT... SMALLER I GUESS. an angry what doesn't make me feel like i might hurt nobody. IT SCARES ME AT TIMES. since i got back my old memories of beforus, times is like it jarrs me within my ownself. MAKES THE BITS OF MY SPLIT IN FISSURES INSTEAD OF MELD EASY. it ain't hurt or nothing like that, don't worry of it. IT JUST FEELS STRANGE IN THEM MOMENTS. it's good being one instead of two but all these bits of me can be so different. I CAN'T BE ALL OF ME AT THE SAME TIME.
we had this game zephyr made. YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED IT. motherfucking mystery mansion. THEY HAD ABOUT MOTIVE BITS AND SOME PRETEND MURDERS AS AIN'T WASN'T REAL. got on searching about through riddles and clues. SHIT WAS MOTHERFUCKING LEGIT. but it happened there too, i was more alternian than not. OLD SUBJUGGLATOR CAME OUT TO PLAY. and i revelled in it. I NEVER GET TO BE THAT BIT OF ME AND STILL BE SOMETHING GOOD. but part of me was pushing back too.
AND THEN MEULIN SHOWED THE FUCK UP. a human one only she said at she was a mutant and she's got cat powers. THIS SMALLER BIT OF ME WAS UP FUCKING TRIPPING OVER MYSELF TRYING TO SEE HER WELL. was missing her so fuckin bad. HAD TO GET REMEMBERING THAT SHE AIN'T THE SAME. even i ain't the same. IN A WAY, IT'S BETTER? i don't think i exist in her iteration. THOUGHT IS LONELY. but if i ain't hurt her, it's got to be better. EVEN IF SHE WAS HURT ALL ANYWAY. just not all like that.
SHE WAS SWEET AS I REMEMBER THOUGH. good through and through as our disciple. GOT MY REMEMBERANCE ON TO A LOT OF MY FRIENDS BUT, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY, TESTS OF TIME DIDN'T HOLD FOR US ALL. i liked everybody back then. EVEN CRONUS AND ARANEA AND MEENAH. even when i'm certain now they didn't like me. MEULIN THOUGH, SHE STAYED GOOD. i hope you get to meet her sometime. I KNOW YOU'LL LIKE HER JUST AS MUCH. :o) though, i guess you already have? I THINK YOU MENTIONED UPON MEETING ALL OUR DEAD ASSES BEFORE. honk.
BUT NO INDIGOS MET. i think a lot get on thinking like you do. FIGURE YOU KNOW ONE YOU'RE KNOWING ALL. well, at least on initial instinct, i know you ain't proper like that. BUT WE'RE DIFFERENT AS ALL ANY. sometimes we even get fighting amongst our ownselves as at to how the scripture's getting its interpretations. THEM WHAT AIN'T FAITHFUL FIGURE US BAD FOR THEM. them what are figure them good for us. AIN'T NO REAL TRUTH OF THAT. but for my lot, it does feel like you can give out more of your ownself, you know? LIKE KEEPING YOUR BACK STRAIGHT WITH ALL OTHERS AND MAKING TO SLOUCH BY ONE HAHA.
i guess, in a way, it's like another bit of showing only pieces of the self. I GOT SOME GIFTS FROM ZEPHYR AND WITH SHARING THEM ALL, I WAS BEING IZZY, THE TROLL OF THE MEADOUS. (things is magical by the by. THESE COLORFUL JELLY ORB BITS AND SOME SHIT WHAT WAS BEING AT FOR BUILDING THE GOATS A HOME.) i've helped phil and i got on talking to jeremy more, trying to sort him all out, and with them i feel like. FUCK. what's the motherfucking word. I THINK IT'S BEING VETERAN? ain't sound right but close enough i guess.
IT REMINDS ME WHAT THAT ONE GUARDIAN, HORTA, SAID ON NAMES. how it's all you, just different shades. WE'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO COMPILE IT ALL NEAT. but sometimes it ain't.
THE KID FROM BEFORUS. the highblood. THE AVOX. the tribute. THE MEADOUS ATTEMPTING TROLL FOR SEEKING PEACE. all them little bits between.
THERE'S SOMETHING WHAT I NEED TO DO. but i'm scared. I'M WORRIED THIS BIT WILL BREAK ALL THE OTHERS. i got fear that there won't be room for nothing else. YET I'VE THOUGHT ON IT ALMOST A YEAR AND I AIN'T SEEMING TO STOP. i feel like if i don't do this in a way i can control and contain it, it's going at to sneak up on me. MEULIN SHOWED UP AND SHE'D NEVER HEARD ME SCREAM AS LIKE THAT AND I KEPT THINKING WHAT IF HER BEING HERE WAS FATE. what if i hurt her. WHAT IF YOU COME ON AROUND AGAIN AND I HURT YOU.
i figured it wouldn't come about me. IT WAS ANOTHER LIFE. figured that for so fucking long and then i could remember that life and even knowing what was to come i still wasn't prepared for what came for me specific. I WAS BARELY SIX SWEEPS. my future was over before the game even started. BUT I STILL WENT IN THINKING "MAYBE".
i don't want to hinge my life and that of those around me on a maybe. A POSSIBILITY SLIM. i want to make it so that if anyone or anything ever is getting in my mind again, it can't break me apart. AT LEAST NOT FOREVER. but there's only one way i'm truly going to know what i'm up against.
I GOT TO LET IT IN. i have to remember what the messiahs did to me.
I WANT TO TRUST MYSELF WITH YOU. with anyone. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT MY FUTURE IS TRULY MINE, HOWEVER LONG OR SHORT THAT IS.
and how can i uphold the messiahs if i can't trust myself with them anyway?
THIS IS DIFFICULT WHAT TO TALK ABOUT. i did think about not telling you. BUT YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME. you've proved it now. AND ANYWAY, I COULDN'T MOTHERFUCKING BEAR THINKING THIS WOULD BE A LAST. i won't let that be so.
I'VE ASKED ABOUT THE MEADOUS FOR WHAT POWERS IS HAD SO THAT THIS MAY BE DONE SAFELY AS MOTHERFUCKING POSSIBLE. for everyone. I WON'T BEGIN ON IT UNTIL I DO.
keep your good thoughts, beloved. I ALREADY HAVE YOU. that's plenty.
PLEASE, PLEASE TRY NOT TO WORRY TOO MUCH FOR ME.
with every last drop of pity in me,
KURLOZ
[He paints hands, gripping one another tight. The typical colorful splatters of his style indicate clear that it's theirs.]
no subject
Date: 2017-02-19 02:51 am (UTC)W41T, PL34S3. 1 DONT UND3RST4ND. WH4T 4R3 YOU PL4NN1NG TO DO? WH4T DO YOU M34N BY L3TT1NG TH3M 1N? WHY WOULD TH1S B3 4 L4ST? WHY H4V3NT YOU M3NT1ON3D TH1S B3FOR3 NOW?
[The ink is heavy on dots here, like someone pressed and held the pen against the paper a few times.]
1 DONT 3V3N KNOW WH4T 3LS3 TO WR1T3 H3R3. 4LL 1 C4N TH1NK 1S TH4T TH1S 1S W4RN1NG OF 4 L34V1NG. L1K3 4 GOODBY3 TH4T 1S TRY1NG NOT TO B3 4 GOODBY3. GOD, KURLOZ, PL34S3. 1 C4NT DO 4NYTH1NG WH3N 1 4M OV3R H3R3 4ND NOT TH3R3. HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO NOT B3 WORR13D???
no subject
Date: 2017-02-19 03:28 am (UTC)IT IS NOT A LAST.
IT IS NOT A GOODBYE.
I SOUGHT TO LIVE THE VISION BESTOWED UPON ME BY THE MIRTHFUL.
I KNOW NOW WHAT WAS MEANT, WHAT IT IS, HOW IT WORKS.
I HAVE TOLD YOU OF THIS VISION AS MESSIAHS BESTOWED IT.
I TOLD HOW MY PREVIOUS SELF BORE WITNESS TO THIS AND IT CHANGED HIM TO THE CORE.
BUT I WAS WRONG FOR IT WAS NOT THE MESSIAHS TWO.
IT WAS ONLY ONE OF THEM.
THE LORD OF DESTRUCTION AND HE
HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME GLADLY BUT I TOLD YOU I WOULD NOT ALLOW IT.
SO ALLOWED IT I DID MOTHER FUCKIN NOT.
I HAVE SEEN AND FELT ONLY ENOUGH THAT I NOW KNOW WHAT I MUST DO.
EVERYONE IS SAFE.
AS AM I.
WHEN NEXT I WRITE ALL WILL BE AS IT WAS.
ONLY NOW NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE ME AWAY FROM YOU.
NO GOODBYES.
NOT MOTHER FUCKIN EVER.
POSTPONING REPLY UNTIL A PROPER HEALING WOULD HAVE BEEN IDEAL BUT I HOPE THIS ASSUAGES ALL THE MOTHER FUCKIN SAME.
I AM ALIVE.
I AM HERE.
I AM NEVER GOING TO LEAVE YOU.
YOU MAY ASK YOUR MOIRAIL IF YOU ARE UNCERTAIN.
PITY YOU ALWAYS,
KURLOZ MAKARA
no subject
Date: 2017-02-19 05:16 pm (UTC)TH1S DO3S NOT 4SSU4G3. YOU W3NT 4ND D1D 1T 4NYW4Y. 1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT 1 C4NT K33P DO1NG TH1S. 1 DONT W4NT TO F33L L1K3 TH1S, L1K3 1 4M ST4ND1NG ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF 4 P13C3 OF GL4SS 4ND SCR34M1NG 4T 3V3RYTH1NG TO STOP, BUT 1T DO3SNT. 1T K33PS GO1NG 4ND 1 C4NT DO 4NYTH1NG.
HOW 4M 1 R34LLY SUPPOS3D TO B3L13V3 YOU NOW? YOU 4R3 4L1V3 4ND YOU 4R3 H3R3 4ND YOU 4R3 N3V3R GO1NG TO L34V3, UNT1L TH3 N3XT T1M3 TH4T YOU F33L YOU N33D TO G4MBL3 YOUR L1F3 4G41NST SOM3 GR34T3R THR34T, 4ND TH3N *TH1S* ON3 W1LL B3 TH3 L4ST T1M3, YOU PROM1S3?
WH4T 1F TH1NGS H4DNT TURN3D OUT W3LL? WOULD 1 B3 G3TT1NG 4 L3TT3R FROM M3UL1N 1NST34D T3LL1NG M3 TH4T MY M4T3SPR1T 1S D34D OR WORS3? 4ND 1 WOULD ST1LL R3M41N OV3R H3R3 UN4BL3 TO 3V3N COMFORT MYSELF 1N MY GR13F B3C4US3 4LL 1 H4V3 4R3 WORDS ON 4 SH33T OF P4P3R.
3V3N NOW 1 4M L3FT GR4SP1NG 4T WH4T H4S H4PP3N3D TO YOU. 1 C4N ONLY GL34N TH4T SOM3TH1NG 1S UNW3LL FROM "N3XT 1 WR1T3 4LL W1LL B3 W3LL" 4ND "UNT1L 4 PROP3R H34L1NG". 4R3 YOU HURT? 4R3 YOU 1N ON3 P13C3? 4R3 YOU SOUND? 1S TH1S TH3 B3ST TH4T COULD B3 3XP3CT3D? TH3 WORST? 1T W1LL B3 D4YS B3FOR3 1 H34R FROM YOU 4G41N 4ND 1N TH3 M34NT1M3 1 4M L3FT TO WOND3R WH4T ST4T3 YOU 4R3 3V3N 1N.
1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT S1MPLY 1NFORM1NG M3 B3FOR3 YOU RUSH OFF TO DO SOM3TH1NG D4NG3ROUS 1S NOT TH3 BL3SS1NG YOU S33M TO TH1NK 1T 1S. 1F MY VO1C3 1N R3SPONS3 DO3S NOT M4TT3R, TH3N T3LL1NG M3 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 1S M34N1NGL3SS. WH1CH 1S NOT TO S4Y TH4T 1 DO NOT W4NT YOU TO T3LL M3 TH3S3 TH1NGS, BUT COULD 1T NOT H4V3 W41T3D 3V3N 4 F3W D4YS, 1F TH1S 1S SOM3TH1NG YOU'V3 S4T ON FOR 4 Y34R? COULD YOU NOT H4V3 W41T3D FOR M3 TO PR3P4R3 MYS3LF?
-T3R3Z1
no subject
Date: 2017-02-20 12:35 am (UTC)WAS GOING TO BE AT TO STARTING OF ON SAYING AS I'M OKAY. but seems as like there's being more i ought to say upon. I HADN'T GOT FIGURING IT WOULD BE SOMETHING WHAT'S NEEDED TO PREPARE FOR. i don't really know what preparations you would have been at to do. BUT I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU. this was never going to kill me, that wasn't being the problem. WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE? would you have let me do this?
THIS AIN'T LIKE PANEM WHERE I FIGURE I CAN TAKE IT WHERE AT THE REST CAN'T AND THROW MYSELF DOWN OR HOWEVER IT HAPPENED EXACT. this was me trying to fix something with me. AND NO I COULDN'T HAVE WAITED, I WASN'T SURE I COULD GO THROUGH WITH IT, I HAD TO GET AT IT DONE WHILE I WAS SURE.
you're angry with me. MEULIN WAS TOO. you don't think the risk was worth it. BUT I DO. this wasn't a mistake, this was the right thing to do. I WENT ON MAKING SURE THERE WOULDN'T BE NO SACRIFICING. i went about it to find out exactly what i'd need to heal from such a thing should it ever happen again. WOULDN'T YOU WANT SUCH SECURITY? wouldn't you want be saying, no, i ain't going to lose my heart without warning?
TEREZI, YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST THINGS TO EVER HAPPEN IN MY LIFE AND YOU KNOW SO MUCH WHAT I AIN'T GRASP, ALL THE GOOD IMPORTANT THINGS. don't you know what it's like to fear losing control? GETTING THIS IDEA LIKE ALL THE GOOD YOU'VE BUILT UP AND WORKED SO HARD FOR, THAT YOU CAN'T GET OTHERWISE, COULD BE SHATTERED IN A MOMENT? and if it was being something or someone you cared about what set it off, wouldn't you at least want to be able to heal if you needed to?
THIS VISION I TOLD ON YOU ABOUT. i never healed from it. HAVE YOU EVEN MET THAT VARIATION OF ME? you got to know there's something wrong there. I WANTED TO FIND OUT WHAT IT WAS, TO GLIMPSE IT, SO THAT I COULD KNOW HOW TO HEAL. so then, if something ever happened to me again, i could fix it.
THAT'S WHAT I DID. i witnessed the vision to the measure i'd need and ended it. I LEARNED HOW ALL IT WORKED. i got my head put back together and i can even get fixing anyone else if i'm wanting now. I FINALLY DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF MY OWN DAMN SELF.
i didn't want to hurt you nor scare you. I'M SORRY FOR THAT.
IT WASN'T ALL UNLIKE VOODOO, BY THE BY. now i might be able to tend anything left on you, next you see me. IF YOU WANT TO.
according to zephyr, i outlived my past some nights ago. I GOT A NEW TITLE FROM THE PEOPLE HERE. mediator izzekiel piedsoul. ALETHEIA GAVE THE FIRST BIT AS WHEN LIKE I GOT CALLED PEACEMAKER. bertie gave izzekiel, so as i could keep that nickname what i'd been using. BERTIE'S A HUMAN, GOOD MOTHERFUCKER, TAUGHT ME PIANO AND WAS THE FIRST KNOWING WHO I WAS THERE. last bit's from lydian, the indigo. I AIN'T THINK SHE KNEW HOW APT IT WAS. waited some days after that and got to making that new ability mine. SOMETHING ELSE TOO BUT I THINK AS I'LL WAIT UNTIL A BETTER TIME FOR THAT.
there's one another thing what got making happenstance. YOU AIN'T GOING TO LIKE IT. my descendant's arrived here. WE AIN'T TALKED. he saw me or maybe that other fucker and took off running. BEEN HIDING OUT IN HIS HIVE AND ABOUT THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE VILLAGE. from what i'm being to tell, only times he's talked at to anyone he got on being terrified which is me meaning to say i ain't think he's hurt anyone. PRETTY SURE HE WOULDN'T STAY IF THERE WAS BEING AT ANYWHERE ELSE HE COULD GO. his voodoo is weak, by the by, he ain't noticed my poking about in slight.
YOU'RE GOING TO SAY NO BUT I'LL SAY IT ANYWAY. i want to talk to him. I AM WAITING, HOWEVER. figured you'd want that.
ONE FINAL THING. send regards to fovos, if you're willing. THINK THAT BUSINESS WHAT WAS GETTING DONE ABOUT MIGHT ALL HAVE BEEN FOR A GOOD. we found the king.
-KURLOZ
no subject
Date: 2017-07-05 08:57 pm (UTC)been saying like i had upon a handle on it. NOW SOMETHING'S BEEN FIGURED TRUE. we're endeavouring to search the outer realms as to get motherfucking inquisitory to the wicked shit as is making the haps by the miracle guardians. I SUSPECT OTHERS USING IT AS A MEANS OF OUTS, BUT I AIN'T CARE. frankly, if it's being to ease what's made the haps in the meadous late, it'll be a damn relief.
BUT THAT'S ASIDES.
there's something what as i've been meaning to ask for. SOMETHING LIKE WHAT I WAS THINKING I WOULDN'T LIKE KNOWING THE ANSWER TO NONE. but i need to know. I HAVE TO KNOW.
maybe with new purpose it won't need ruin nothing for what the answer might up andTHIS MAY SOUND FOOLISH. or like to insult. BUT I HOPE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND. and bear my selfishness. ANSWER HONEST OF ME.
be there any reason held in that pusher yours what would make for you to be leaving me?
DISAPPEARING OR
something
I NEED TO BE KNOWING. please tell a motherfucker short.
-KURLOZ ♑︎
no subject
Date: 2017-07-05 11:25 pm (UTC)4BSOLUT3LY NOT.
1 S41D 1T B3FOR3 4ND 1 W1LL S4Y 1T ON3 HUNDR3D T1M3S OV3R. 1 W4NT YOU FOR3V3R, KURLOZ. FOR 4LL TH3 T1M3 W3 H4V3 4H34D OF US, 1 COULD NOT TH1NK OF 4NY B3TT3R W4Y TH4N TO SP3ND 1T W1TH YOU. 4ND 1F FOR SOM3 R34SON F4T3 THROWS US 4P4RT 4G41N, 1 W1LL N3V3R STOP TRY1NG TO F1ND 4 W4Y B4CK TO YOU, HOW3V3R LONG 1T T4K3S. YOU C4N B3 SUR3 OF TH4T
1S TH4T WH4T H4S H4D YOU SO WORR13D? TH4T 1 M1GHT L34V3 YOU? WH3R3 D1D YOU G3T 4 THOUGHT L1K3 TH4T? 1 H4V3 4 BON3 TO P1CK W1TH WHO3V3R PUT TH4T CRAZY THOUGHT 1N YOUR H34D. NOTH1NG COULD B3 FURTH3R FROM TH3 TRUTH.
YOURS 4LW4YS,
-T3R3Z1
no subject
Date: 2017-07-06 12:12 am (UTC)my beloved, my matesprit, my heart's keeper,
NO, IT AIN'T. it was being part but not all.
MERELY WAS
i thought
I'VE TOLD YOU OF ALETHEIA. she's different than you. BUT SHE'S ALTERNATE TOO. she's pyrope like you and the neophyte and latula. IT'S THESE MOTHERFUCKING PATTERNS. these things as like what gamzee and my other and my future and i all share and maybe you'd get sharing as they. DIDN'T UP AND REALISE. didn't get to see.
I'VE BEEN FUCKING UP SO BAD, TEREZI. i tried to be like you and get all to help. I TRIED TO BE LIKE OUR ALLIES DEAR WHAT ARE GOOD AND TRUE. you what showed me how. BUT I CAN'T HELP THEM. they ain't want to be helped. THEY WANT TO HURT, THEY WANT TO RILE, THEY WANT TO
she was set to die. SHE WAS SET TO LET HER HEART GO THE FUCK COLD AND SHE WAS SET TO UP AND DIE FOR SAKE OF WHATEVER THE FUCK CAME TO BE. i asked her, i sought that we avoid such a fate, at least try. I SOUGHT TO WORK BY SIDE OF HER. but she's already made up her mind. AND I CAN'T DO NOTHING TO CHANGE HERS. i can't do nothing to change anybody's. I CAN'T DO FUCK ALL BUT LET THEM GO. let them destroy themselves.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW NO MORE. it's killing me. SHE'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR AND THERE AIN'T NOTHING I CAN DO. they're going at to tear each other apart. I PUT TOO DAMN MUCH OF MYSELF IN. i've already come to close to culling someone. NO ONE'S UP AND GETTING THAT I CAN'T FIGHT THIS THING WHAT'S ME UP ALONE. no one fucking understands as what daymares tear at their pans tear up at mine. I CAN'T HANG ON NO MORE BUT I CAN'T LET GO NEITHER. i keep trying to find a way as not to lose myself. I'D UP AND TAKE LOSING IF IT MEANT I COULD BE SURE NO ONE WAS HURT.
i'm so sorry. I KEEP TRYING TO BE LIKE YOU WANT. i keep at what everyone's wanting of me. BUT I CAN'T. i can't do it. I DIDN'T WANT YOU KNOWING AS FOR HOW MUCH I'D LET YOU DOWN. i didn't want finding out you'd be the same and then
WE HAD A MEETING. i'd given on up. I'D BEEN TRYING AT TO BE MAKING BY MY OWN. but shit got suggested as to be trying to search. I FIGURED IF I CAN'T HELP, AT LEAST I CAN BE TRAINING. i can fight. I CAN COMMAND. i can stop thinking about what's to be making the haps of the rest. I'M INTENDING TO. but i had to find out from you what you got thought by. I CAN'T LOSE YOU. i can't lose you. I WISH I AIN'T WASN'T LIKE THIS BUT I AM. i can't lose you.
I HAD TO MAKE LEAVE OF HER. there wasn't no choice. THERE WAS HER AND THERE WAS JEREMY LOOKING TO DIE AND BUCKY. there was these new motherfuckers as refused helping and old ones what made want more to hurt. LYDIAN WAS GONE AND MEULIN AND DISCIPLE FOR THAT WHILE. there was making all for murders made the fuck pretend. MOTHERFUCKING PRETENDING WAS A MURDER MADE TO BE AND ALL AND EVERY GOT TO RILE AND ALL OUR PEACE WAS MAKING ENDS. then such things was made true. COULDN'T EVEN HELP ZEPHYR. couldn't even help fighting. IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN MUCH. and i ain't okay. BUT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO TAKE THE FUCK CARE OF THIS NONE AGAIN.
there was option made open by this meeting. I COULD TELL YOU THEN. i can tell now. I GOT A DIRECTION. that's what i need.
I'M SORRY. i pity you.
-KURLOZ ♑︎
no subject
Date: 2017-07-06 03:27 pm (UTC)1 W1SH YOU H4D TOLD M3 SOON3R. 1T SOUNDS L1K3 YOUV3 B33N K33P1NG SO MUCH TO YOURS3LF. BOTTL1NG 1T UP L1K3 YOU 4R3 TRY1NG TO PROT3CT M3 FROM 1T. >:[ 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 K3PT 1N TH3 D4RK. 1 W4NT TO B3 4BL3 TO H3LP YOU 1F 1 C4N. 1 W4NT TO SUPPORT YOU WH3N YOU N33D 1T. YOU 4R3 NOT 4N 1SL4ND 4NY MOR3 TH4N 1 4M. YOU SHOULDNT H4V3 TO SHOULD3R TH1S BURD3N 4LON3.
DO YOU R3M3MB3R WH3N YOU M3T M3? JUST 4FT3R K1LL1NG S1GNL3SS, 4ND 4LL MY FR13NDS H4D TURN3D ON M3. 4S MUCH 4S 1 D1SL1K3 HOW SH3 H4S TR34T3D YOU, 4L3TH314 SOUNDS 4 LOT L1K3 HOW 1 W4S B4CK TH3N. 1T W4SNT TH4T 1 D1DNT C4R3 FOR MYS3LF. OR M4YB3 1T W4S P4RT OF TH4T, BUT 1T W4S 4LSO TH1S... F33L1NG TH4T TH1NGS N33D3D TO B3 DON3. 4ND TH4T 1F SOM3ON3 H4D TO DO TH3M, 1 COULD STOM4CH TH3 F4LLOUT B3ST. 1 CLOS3D MYS3LF OFF. 1 L3T OTH3RS C4ST M3 4S 4 V1LL41N. 1 L3T TH3M H4T3 M3 W1THOUT L4SH1NG B4CK. B3C4US3 4T TH3 3ND OF TH3 D4Y, TH3Y W3R3 TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT TH1NG TO M3, 4ND 1 WOULD H4V3 DON3 4NYTH1NG FOR TH3M. 4NYTH1NG, KURLOZ.
1 DONT TH1NK YOU R34L1Z3D HOW MUCH YOU H3LP3D JUST BY B31NG TH3R3. WH3N 1 W4NT3D TO SHUT 3V3RYTH1NG OUT, YOU W3R3 TH3R3 T3LL1NG M3 TH4T 1 D3S3RV3D B3TT3R. M4K1NG M3 SM1L3. M4K1NG M3 F33L TH1NGS TH4T W3R3 WORTH F33L1NG. K33P1NG M3 GO1NG. YOU G4V3 M3 4 R34SON TO OP3N UP, LONG B3FOR3 1 KN3W 1 W4NT3D OR N33D3D ON3.
H3LP1NG P3OPL3 1SNT 4LW4YS 4BOUT 4DV1C3. MOTH3RGRUB KNOWS 1 H4V3 FUCK3D TH4T UP M4NY T1M3S TOO. BUT SOM3T1M3S 1T 1S JUST 4BOUT H4NG1NG 4ROUND 4S 4 R3M1ND3R TH4T TH3R3 4R3 R34SONS TO HOLD ON. 1T DO3SNT 4LW4YS S1NK 1N TH3 F1RST T1M3 OR 3V3N TH3 TW3NT13TH. SOM3T1M3S 1T DO3S G3T TO B3 TOO MUCH TO B34R. BUT 1T DO3S M4TT3R. TH3Y W1LL R3M3MB3R TH3 TH1NGS TH4T YOU THOUGHT TH3Y FORGOT, JUST 4S 1 H4V3 FOR TH1NGS TH4T YOU TOLD M3.
1M NOT SUR3 1F 1 3V3R TOLD YOU, BUT 4FT3R TH4T JUNGL3 4R3N4, K4RK4T C4M3 TO 4POLOG1Z3 4FT3R 1 TR13D TO S4V3 H1S L1F3. H3 BROUGHT M3 4 G1FT 4ND TOLD H3 H4D B33N 4 HUG3 J3RK 4ND HOW T3RR1BL3 H3 F3LT. 4ND B3FOR3 1 M1GHT H4V3 4CC3PT3D TH3 G1FT 4ND TOLD H1M 1T W4S OK4Y. BUT 1 D1DNT. B3C4US3 TH3 W4Y H3 H4D 4CT3D W4SNT OK4Y. 3V3N 1F 1 W4S UPS3T W1TH YOU 4T TH3 T1M3, THOS3 WORDS ST1LL M4TT3R3D TO M3. 4ND 1 R3M3MB3R3D TH3M WH3N 1 N33D3D TH3M.
SO PL34S3 DONT B3 SO H4RD ON YOURS3LF. 1 4M SUR3 YOU 4R3 H3LP1NG MOR3 TH4N YOU KNOW. YOU H4V3 TH1S... BR1GHT P4SS1ON 1N YOU. 1 NOT1C3D 1T FROM TH3 V3RY F1RST D4Y 1 M3T YOU, 4ND 1T DR3W M3 TOW4RDS YOU, 3V3N D3SP1T3 4LL OF MY M1SG1V1NGS. 1 C4NT 1M4G1N3 OTH3RS NOT S331NG 1T TOO. GOOD OR B4D, R1GHT OR WRONG, YOU 1NSP1R3 P3OPL3. TH4T 1S WH4T M4K3S YOU 4 GOOD L34D3R, R3G4RDL3SS OF WH4T YOU 4R3 L34D1NG. YOU B3L13V3 1N 3V3RYON3 SO MUCH TH4T TH3Y C4NT H3LP BUT B3L13V3 1N TH3MS3LV3S TOO.
1F YOU TH1NK TH4T L34D1NG TH1S S34RCH 1S B3ST FOR NOW, TH3N DO TH4T. 1 W1LL B3 HOP1NG TH3 B3ST FOR YOU. M4YB3 W3 C4N CONV1NC3 FOVOS TO H3LP SOM3HOW, OR TO G1V3 YOU SOM3 K1ND OF SUPPORT. 1N TH3 M34NT1M3, ST4Y STRONG. YOU H4V3 P3OPL3 WHO C4R3 4BOUT YOU, WHO WOULD F1GHT TO B3 N34R TO YOU. L34N ON TH3M 1F YOU N33D 1T. TH4T 1S WH4T W3 4R3 H3R3 FOR.
1 P1TY YOU MOR3 TH4N YOU C4N 1M4G1N3. <3 N3V3R B3 SORRY FOR T4LK1NG TO M3.
YOUR H34RTK33P3R,
-T3R3Z1
no subject
Date: 2017-07-06 06:55 pm (UTC)I SUPPOSE I MUST CONCEDE THAT A MOTHER FUCKIN TRUTH. however up and unintended. IT WASN'T MEANT TO CAST SHADE OF THEE. i had mere wanted to motherfucking make for what you all seem capable to me. IT SEEMS I AM ALWAYS MAKING TO BE THE MESS OF US. i do not wish you weary. MAKES THIS MOTHERFUCKER WEARY AS ALL FUCK.
aletheia ain't treated me poor. NOT ALL POOR HAS SHE BEEN AT TO TREAT. we just got about us things what ain't connect well none by the other. WE STEP UPON WOUNDS TOO EASY. tends for happening with your ancestor and i too. WE'RE MADE ALL THE FUCK UP OF OPPOSITION, US MAKARAS AND PYROPES ALIKE.
i remember that. I REMEMBER WHAT A FUCKING STUNNER IT WAS AT TO BE. i'd wanted for sweeps and wanted differentlike all the same and you got about it in a moment. I HADN'T FIGURED IT AN ALTRUISM. i had figured survival. MAKES THE MORE SENSE LOOKING BACK.
aw girl. I DIDN'T GET NO THOUGHT OF IT. i wasn't like this back then. I JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GOT LETTING THEM TREAT AS FOR YOU THAT WAY. i wouldn't have let it be the haps to me.
I WOULD HAVE BEENi should've been kinder my ownself.BUT I GOT MY GLADNESS ON YOU'RE HERE, YOU KNOW THAT? you mean so much. I DIDN'T UP AND SEE IT THEN BUT I NEEDED YOU. you were a friend when i had... so fucking little...
ALETHEIA AIN'T OWE ME NOTHING... but i owe her. I HAVE TO TRY FOR HER.
thank you. YOU'RE TOO KIND TO THIS MOTHERFUCKER YOU KNOW AT THAT? you're always showing me the way. I SHOULD'VE COME TO YOU SOONER, SAY TRUE. i ain't know if such things you're saying now is true. BUT I WANT THEM TO BE. i want them to see they ought to do better for they. I WANT THEM TO SEE THEY MOTHERFUCKING MATTER. and i want them to want all to stay. IF THEY COULD JUST SEE WHAT I SEE, WE COULD ALL MAKE BETTERLIKE.
the only thing is how to make sure ain't nothing goes wrong. I DON'T WANT TO BE LOSING CONTROL AGAIN. i ain't want to lose myself. I NEED SOMETHING AS WHAT TO... PREVENT SOMEHOW. i can't rely on my being former avox no more, it just doesn't hold through. NOT UNLESS I'M BEING TO SET IT UP OFF DELIBERATE. and you ain't want that. XANTHOUS AND DISCIPLE OUGHT NOT SEE THAT. i just ain't know what to do by that. AIN'T NOBODY'S GOT A CHANCE UP AGAINST ME OTHERWISE. i could crush them without even trying. IF I WASN'T BEING SO SURE AS ALL I'D SLIP MAYBE I COULD BEAR IT.
i kind of figured this sort of shit could be let to wait until i was being older, you know? GET ALL TO DEALING WITH
[The ink stains the page in a great blot.]
everything then. YOU'D BE GONE AND DISCIPLE AND ALL HUMANS AND PROBABLY XANTHOUS. and it just wouldn't up and matter as all by then. I'D GO MAD AND EVENTUALLY THE WICKED SHIT WOULD GET TO BE BEING OVER. we'd find one another in whatever afters up and await. WE WOULDN'T NEED NO WORRY ON OF THAT NOISE.
[Except him.]
but this is all come a lot sooner. I NEED TO FIGURE SOMETHING. a motherfucking failsafe of sorts.
I'M GOING AT TO FIGURE THIS THE FUCK OUT. and then i'm going to fix things.
I AIN'T SORRY TALKING TO YOU NOW. i'm more sorry i didn't. PERHAPS A MOTHERFUCKER WILL REMEMBER THIS TIME. keep note of it.
PITY YOU MORE THAN WORLDS CAN HOLD,
-kurloz
no subject
Date: 2017-07-06 07:48 pm (UTC)1M GL4D YOU 4R3 F33L1NG B3TT3R. 1T M4K3S M3 R34LLY H4PPY TO R34D TH4T F1R3 COM3 B4CK 1NTO YOUR WORDS. 1 W1SH 1 COULD B3 TH3R3 TO W1TN3SS 1T 1N P3RSON. BUT TH3N 1 TH1NK 1 M1GHT M1SS 1T FOR 4LL TH3 K1SS3S 1 WOULD B3 SHOW3R1NG YOU W1TH R1GHT NOW.
1M PROUD OF YOU. 4LW4YS. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3V3R TH1NK TH4T 4NYTH1NG YOU DO COULD L3T M3 DOWN. YOU H4V3 COM3 TOO F4R TO 3V3R B3 4 D1S4PPO1NTM3NT TO M3. <3
BUT WH4T YOU M3NT1ON3D 1N YOUR L3TT3R... 1 TH1NK NOW M1GHT B3 4 GOOD T1M3 TO T4LK TO YOU 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG TOO. SOM3TH1NG 1 H4V3NT B33N T4LK1NG 4BOUT JUST Y3T.
1V3 B33N CONS1D3R1NG M4K1NG 4 CH4NG3, BUT 1 W4NT3D TO G3T 4LL TH3 1NFORM4T1ON ON 1F 1T W4S POSS1BL3 FROM FOVOS. 4ND 1 W4NT3D TO RUN 1T BY YOU F1RST. 1 WONT DO 4NYTH1NG UNT1L 1 G3T YOUR 4NSW3R ON3 W4Y OR 4NOTH3R. 1T WOULD B3 4S MUCH FOR YOU 4S 1T WOULD B3 FOR M3, 4ND YOU SHOULD H4V3 4 S4Y 1N 1T.
BUT 1 W4S TH1NK1NG 4BOUT TH3 FUTUR3, 4ND WH4T M1GHT H4PP3N 4FT3R 1M GON3. 1 DONT W4NT TH4T FOR YOU. 1 H4V3 W1TN3SS3D WH4T MY D34TH DO3S TO YOU, 4ND 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3NDUR3 TH4T SUFF3R1NG. 1 C4NT B34R TH3 THOUGHT OF 1T. SO.
1 W4NT TO W1SH MY L1F3SP4N TO B3 TH3 S4M3 4S YOURS.
NOTH1NG 3LS3. JUST TH4T. 4ND 1F
W3 3V3RTH3R3 W4STH3R3 W4S SOM3HOW 4 W4Y FOR D3SC3ND3NTS. 1F 4NY W3R3 T34L. TH3M TOO.1 KNOW TH4T 1 C4NT PROM1S3 HOW LONG W3 W1LL H4V3 DOWN TO TH3 S3COND, BUT 1 W4NT US TO B3 3QU4L. 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 F41R TO 4SK YOU TO CUT YOUR L1F3 SHORT. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO DO TH4T FOR M3. 4ND 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO B3 M1S3R4BL3 W1THOUT M3. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3ND UP 4LON3.
TH1S 1S TH3 B3ST SOLUT1ON TH4T 1 C4N COM3 UP W1TH. L3T M3 KNOW WH4T YOU TH1NK. 4ND B3 HON3ST.
4ND DONT B3 M4D.1 W1LL W41T.4LW4YS YOURS,
-T3R3Z1
no subject
Date: 2017-07-06 08:21 pm (UTC)are you serious? TRULY? oh mirth. OH MESSIAHS TWO, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A MIRACLE THAT IS TO BE HEARING FOR. you ain't know what that means. YES! yes, yes, all times the fuck more let it be up and preached! I WANT IT, I WANT YOU. for as long as i'm extant i want you.
AND DESCENDANTS! oh mirth, terezi, you ain't know what it feels like but if you were to... IT'S NEAR TERRIFING AS THE LORD BUT IT'S MIRACULOUS TOO. i ain't think i could describe it to you without you having to already know it. BUT IT'S SO MUCH, SISTER. what the humans call it. LOVE. you'll love so much. AND THEY WILL LOVE YOU AND YOU'LL KNOW.
but. ARE YOU CERTAIN? are you truly sure? IT'S SO MUCH TIME, SISTER. it's so much time as ain't nobody else has and even if it ain't just us we'll watch them age and pass. YOU DON'T HAVE TO. i really ain't mind making smaller of mine own. IT'LL HURT, LIVING SO LONG. i don't want you to choose simply for my sake.
BUT I COULD NEVER BE MAD TO KEEP YOU. that's what i want most in my life. IT'S WHAT I'LL ALWAYS WANT.
and i dare say, ain't think it's me what would be showered by pity as of now.
I WANT IT ALL. i want you. I WANT TIME. i want family. TOGETHER.
-kurloz
no subject
Date: 2017-07-16 09:10 pm (UTC)1 TH1NK 1 COULD M4N4G3 4 FOR3V3R 1F 1T W4S W1TH YOU. YOU DONT H4V3 TO WORRY. 1 KNOW WH4T 1 W4NT. 1 W1LL B3 OK4Y 4S LONG 4S YOU 4R3 TH3R3. 4ND 1F 1T 3V3R G3TS TO B3 TOO MUCH, W3 C4N F1GUR3 SOM3TH1NG 3LS3 OUT TH3N. TOG3TH3R.
1 M4D3 TH3 W1SH L4ST N1GHT, 4FT3R 1 GOT YOUR L3TT3R. 1 DONT F33L 4NY D1FF3R3NT, BUT TH3R3 W4S 4N 1M4G3 1N TH3 M1RROR TH1S MORN1NG. FROM FOVOS. 1 TR13D TO R3CR34T3 1T 4S B3ST 1 COULD SO YOU COULD H4V3 1T TOO. 1T W4S TH3 TWO OF US, BUT OLD3R. 4 LOT OLD3R, 4ND S1TT1NG TOG3TH3R. 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1TS 4NYTH1NG L1K3 4 PROPH3CY BUT. 1 4M SUR3 1T M34NS TH4T TH3 W1SH 1S DON3.
1 C4NT W41T TO V1S1T YOU 4G41N. 1 C4NT W41T FOR TH3 W4LLS TO COM3 DOWN. 1 F33L L1K3 M4YB3 1 SHOULD H4V3 W41T3D, CONS1D3R1NG HOW MUCH 1T M4K3S M3 W4NT TO B3 W1TH YOU 4G41N. BUT 1 D1DNT W4NT TO M1SS MY CH4NC3.
1 W1SH 1 KN3W WH4T TO S4Y 4BOUT D3SC3ND4NTS. 1T F33LS W31RD TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T. W3 4R3 ONLY B4R3LY 4DULTS. OUR K1ND DO3SNT R34LLY... W3 DONT C4R3 FOR OUR OWN YOUNG. BUT 1 W4NT TO. 1 W4NT TH3M TO H4V3 4LL TH3 TH1NGS W3 N3V3R D1D. 1 W4NT TO DO 1T R1GHT. BUT 1 4M 4LSO SC4R3D TH4T 1 WONT KNOW HOW.
1T 1S 4 LOT OF F33L1NGS TH4T 1 4M NOT SUR3 HOW TO 3XPL41N. BUT W3 W1LL H4V3 4 LOT OF T1M3 TO F1GUR3 1T OUT.
1 P1TY YOU SO MUCH. 1 4M SO GL4D TO H4V3 YOU. 1 M1SS YOU MOR3 TH4N 1 C4N S4Y.
4LW4YS YOURS,
T3R3Z1
[There's a picture included with the letter. It's the two of them, holding hands and watching a sunset, seated on a grassy hill. They're both clearly older, but the same kind of older, and her head is leaning against his arm.]
no subject
Date: 2017-08-04 03:02 am (UTC)this is real. THIS IS REALLY MOTHERFUCKING HAPPENING. it's been days and i've been trying to convince my ownself and i still don't believe but it's so beautiful. IT'S SO MOTHERFUCKING BEAUTIFUL. got a brother down and weeping you did, don't you know? KEPT IN HANDS FOR HOURS.
we should maybe have got speaking to your moirail too, firstlike. BUT MIRTH, I'M SO HAPPY. just knowing i get to have you.
THE MOMENT I CAN SEE YOU AGAIN. i ain't letting you out of my arms. THE WALLS WILL HAVE TO COME ON DOWN CAUSE I AIN'T LETTING YOU AWAY FROM ME.
you'll know. OR MAYBE YOU WON'T, THAT'S FINE, I DON'T KNOW SHIT NEITHER. we can figure it out. WE CAN ASK ON ABOUTS FOR HELP. no one ever said at we had to do this alone. THEY'LL HAVE EVERYTHING. they can even have you, if we want them to.
WE'VE GOT TIME. you and me, we've got all the time.
I PITY YOU. i pity you. I PITY YOU.
forever yours,
KURLOZ
[The paper comes with numerous small marks of pale indigo.]
no subject
Date: 2017-03-18 12:00 am (UTC)And then he'd thought about her and all what she might say. He thought about her getting mad. And so he walked off and forgot about writing for a little while. Then a longer while.
But now he's back and he's staring at the paper and he braces like it's going to hurt him, like it'll be his blood and not ink as is needed to work miracle upon the paper.]
mY WiCkEd sIsTeRTeReZi,I WaS DoInG AlL As wHaT YoU WaS AsKiNg, JuSt mInDiNg mY OwN OfF As fAr aS I CoUlD GeT, bUt tHeN ReAl rEcEnTlIkE, i wAs gEtTiNg tO Be wAkInG In tHiS PlAcE WhAt i aIn't wAsN'T SuPpOsEd tO Be bEiNg aT? aNd i fIgUrEd i oUgHt tO TeLl yOu bEcAuSe tHe sIsTeR As wHaT AiN'T NePeTa bUt iS BeInG HeR AnCeStOr gOt tElLiNg mE To. So, KnOw i'm aLl aBoUt gEtTiNg mY MoThErFuCkInG TeLl oN At yOu. ShE WaS KnOwInG AlL KiNdS Or mIrAcUlOuS ThInGs aS I WaSn't nEvEr tO Be kNoWiNg. ShE SaId sHe wAs bEiNg fRoM PaNeM ToO. aIn't tHaT AlL KiNdS Of mYsTiCaL HoW ThAt sHiT'S BeInG To wOrK?
AnYwAy, ShE WaS SaYiNg aS ThE MoThErFuCkEr yOu tOlD Me nOt tO Be sEeInG MiGhT WaNt tO Be sEeInG Me. I WaS LiKe, I CaN'T Be dOiNg tHaT, i aIn't bEiNg sUpPoSeD To bE. bUt tHeN ShE SaId hE WaS SaD AbOuT It aNd tHeN ShE GoT SaYiNg i sHoUlD TaLk tO YoU. aNd tHeN ThIs wAy tHiNgS Is mAyBe gEtTiNg tO AlL BeInG BeTtErLiKe. I HoPe sO. i wAnT To bE FrIeNdS AgAiN ReAl bAd, If tHaT'S OkAy wItH YoU.
EvErYoNe's rEaL NiCe hErE. i hOpE ThEy's bEiNg nIcE WhErE YoU'Re aT ToO. bEeN LoOkInG FoR A WaY As aLl tO KeEp yOu hApPy aS LiKe wHaT WaS WaNtEd oF YoU BuT I AiN'T FiGuReD It oUt yEt. I'M StIlL TrYiNg aT It.
Oh, AlSo, SiStEr sAiD FoR Me nOt tO Be eXpEcTiNg a lOt bUt i aIn't sUrE WhAt tHaT MeAnS ExAcT. iT'S A WhOlE LoT WhAt's hErE As i wAs nEvEr gEtTiNg eXpEcTaTiOnAl tO.
So, Uh, I'M GoNnA Be sEnDiNg tHiS At tO YoU NoW. hOnK.
- GaMzEe mAkArA ♑︎
no subject
Date: 2017-03-24 08:51 pm (UTC)1 TOLD KURLOZ TH4T H3 C4N T4LK TO YOU. YOU C4N 4NSW3R H1M 1F YOU W4NT. 1 WONT D3M1ND TH4T YOU STOP, OR TH4T YOU K33P 4W4Y FROM H1M.
1 4M G1V1NG YOU ON3 CH4NC3. B3C4US3 KURLOZ W4NTS M3 TO, NOT B3C4US3 1 TH1NK YOU D3S3RV3 1T. 1F YOU M3SS UP, 1F YOU HURT H1M OR M3UL1N OR 4NYON3 3LS3, 1 W1LL P3RSON4LLY HUNT YOU DOWN.
DONT M4K3 M3 R3GR3T DO1NG TH1S.
-T3R3Z1 PYROP3
no subject
Date: 2017-03-24 09:19 pm (UTC)ThAt's bEiNg lIkE As tO HaViNg fOr aLl sOrTs oF SeNsE As bEiNg iS SeEiNg i'm aLl sOrTs nOt dEsErViNg aS WhAt yOu'rE SaYiNg fOr. I AiN'T SuRe aS WhO AlL YoU'Re mEaNiNg eXaCt bUt tHaT'S OkAy. I AiN'T WaNtEd tO HuRt nObOdY NoNe aLl aNyWaYs sO I ThInK CaN Be bEiNg aBoUt tHaT.
BuT LiStEn, Uh, I WaS AcTuAlLy mAyBe tHiNkInG LiKe i'd wAnT To bE TaLkInG MoRe aT To yOu. SiNcE YoU'Re mY FrIeNd aNd tHaT'S WhAt fRiEnDs iS DoInG. oR I WaNt tO Be yOuR FrIeNd, Up aT LeAsT. lIkE We wAs bEiNg bEfOrE.
So mAyBe yOu cAn bE TeLlInG Me tHiNgS WhAt aS To dO AnD I CaN Do tHeM AnD ThAt rOwDy mOtHeRfUcKiNg nOiSe cAn bE Up aNd dOnE FoR. cAuSe i'm aLl aBoUt gEtTiNg fRiEnDlY On sEeInG As i rEaLlY LiKe yOu, SiStEr, AnD I MiSs aLl wHaT BeInG WaS AnD ThAt sHiT.
ThAnKs fOr mAkInG PeRmIsSiOnAl, I GuEsS.
- GaMzEe mAkArA♑︎
no subject
Date: 2017-03-24 09:32 pm (UTC)WH4T 3X4CTLY DO YOU TH1NK TH4T W3 H4V3 TO T4LK 4BOUT? WH4T DO YOU TH1NK TH4T YOU C4N DO TO CH4NG3 4NYTH1NG?
W3 4R3 NOT FR13NDS. 1 H4V3 NO 1NT3R3ST 1N B31NG FR13NDS W1TH YOU. M4YB3 W3 W3R3 ONC3, BUT TH4T W4S 4 LONG T1M3 4GO, B4CK WH3N 1 COULD 4CTU4LLY TRUST YOU. 1 WONT M4K3 TH4T S4M3 M1ST4K3 TW1C3, SO YOU M1GHT 4S W3LL G1V3 UP.
-T3R3Z1 PYROP3
no subject
Date: 2017-03-24 09:51 pm (UTC)YoU WaS AlWaYs sMaRt. YoU GoT KnOwInG WhAt aLl tO Be dOiNg fOr aLl eVeRyThInG WhAt's bEiNg iS. yOu cOuLd fIgUrE On oUt wHaT WaS ThE HaPs wHaT WiTh oUr fRiEnDs aNd yOu wErE GoInG AlL To bE A MoThErFuCkInG LeGiSlAcErAtOr aNd wHeN AlL No oNe eLsE GoT BeInG ArOuNd yOu wOuLd bE AnD It wAs nIcE AnD
i was hoping
i'm sorry.
i still ain't really got understanding by what happened. i guess i ain't smart enough what to be getting it by and i thought you could help or something. but if you want me to be leaving a sister be i can do that maybe instead.
sorry
thanks all for what friendliness was being. it was nice. i hope maybe you can be being happy anyway.
bye terezi.
[a few weeks later, about mid-april]
Date: 2017-03-26 04:08 am (UTC)The truth is that she does, and she spends more than a few days being resentful of that fact and trying to ignore the obvious manipulation of it. She crumples up the letter and shoves it into the bottom of her chest that holds all of her worldly possessions.
It's not Gamzee's words that finally get to her, but Kurloz's. He told her that people could change, and her thoughts linger on the regrets she had over Vriska's death. Did she tell him all of that, too? Or only about the damage that her Scourge Sister had caused? She can't remember.
Either way, the parallel sticks in ways that make Terezi uncomfortable. She'll never know what might have happened if she had tried to help Vriska--instead of shutting her out until there were only two options left for her to choose. Is this going to end the same? Is she going to regret her moral high ground when everything is said and done? What will it cost her this time? What choices will she be forced to make?
It's weeks later, but she pulls the letter out from her trunk and smooths it out. She reads it again. And again. And again. Her brow furrows as she tries to unveil some secret meaning to the words, but nothing jumps out at her. For the first time, she tries to imagine the Gamzee that she used to know writing this... and it twists up her insides in a way that makes her shove the letter away from her. She stands and walks around the common tent, listening to the low chatter of the other residents.
What it really comes does to is what she can live with. Can she bear to respond to this? Can she bear to not? She doesn't know the answer to either of those questions... but it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to find out the answer to the first one.
When her response finally reaches Gamzee's mailbox, it's chilly and terse, but it's a response that he probably wasn't expecting.]
G4MZ33 M4K4R4
WH4T DO YOU W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT? YOU C4N D3C1D3.
T3R3Z1 PYROP3
no subject
Date: 2017-03-27 03:16 am (UTC)This ain't like the times he bids goodbye to his Da. Terezi ain't being back to him. (But then, neither had Da been, really, why would he have wanted coming back, now he can't even be trying to.)]
TeReZi! MoThErFuCk iT'S YoU, i tHoUgHt iT WaS BeInG ThE OtHeR YoU Or sOmEtHiNg eLsE BuT It's yOu aNd iT'S MaKiNg hApPeNsTaNcE AnD I'M So hApPy! HoNk!
HoNk hOnK HoNk!
FuCk. Uh. HaHa, I AiN'T EvEn kNoWiNg wHaT To bE SaYiNg nOw. I JuSt gOt mY GlAdNeSs oN To bE HeArInG As fRoM YoU. i'vE BeEn mAkInG On nIcE WiTh tHiS TeReZi bUt iT'S LiKe, If i wAsN'T To bE MaKiNg yOu hApPy, HoW'S AlL Am i nOt tO Be mAkInG HeR NoT HaPpY ToO. hOw's aLl aM I NoT To bE DoInG AlL ThEm tHiNgS. aNd eVeN ThOuGh sHe'd bE ThErE I'D MiSs aS FoR YoU AlL AnYwAyS.
[Before he'd talk of oceans and miracles and all such things. None of those is things he's feeling like talking on yet. ]
I DoN'T KnOw wHaT To bE SpEaKiNg fOr. GoT To mAkE PrEaCh mOtHeRfUcKiN LeGiT. bUt iT'S HaRd. I ThInK LiKe i'd tAlK In wAnTiNg fOr hOw wE UsEd tO Be bUt...
I DoN'T ThInK We cAn dO ThAt. can we? not no more.
i feel bad. i feel real bad and i feel like i got a snooze on foreverlike but everyone's got on figuring this shit better than me still. i don't know how to make like i ain't not feeling bad. i don't got nothing anymore. you're all what's here and i don't think i really got you up at all. i think like everyone was getting on being right. i'm all sorts busted up or motherfuck. i listened, honest, i'd just forget to be thinking about it back then a lot, but now i do.
so, i think maybe, i'd just want to be getting talk on to them things what's making you happy, maybe, instead. you was doing that for me. you'd get talking at to me even though as like i was being to know you and all motherfuck. and you got being there and saying for all them things what's sounding fun up at your hive. i always got on saying like it to be next time, maybe, but next time you'd get asking all anyways. i should've been saying yes. then maybe we'd get to have been being better friends that way. i thought about that up a lot, being as where i was. they took my family away and it was lonely and bad and i wished i'd been saying yes up instead.
So mAyBe wE CaN TaLk aBoUt tHeM ThInGs. YoUr sCaLeFrIeNdS AnD YoUr lEgIsLaTiOnAlS AnD YoUr fLaRbS AnD WhAt's lIkE ThAt. We cAn tAlK AbOuT JuStIcE AnD CoLoRs aNd wHaT'S YoUr fRiEnDs gEtTiNg bEiNg tO Do. AnD ThAt gAmE YoU GoT TeLlInG Of a bIt, If yOu wAnT. wHaTeVeR AlL YoU LiKe aS Is mAkInG YoU HaPpY.
i just want to be making you happy.
so uh. yeah. i guess that's being it for what i'm wanting to talk on. i'm really happy to be having this, terezi. always thought you was nice up ins.
- GaMzEe
no subject
Date: 2017-05-19 01:34 am (UTC)She doesn't know what to write at first. It feels like a grab at sympathy, and she's not entirely sure that it doesn't work. He reminds her of something that...honestly she'd forgotten. Anything related to him had been shoved so far away from her that she never wanted to think of it again. But he dredges it back up again now, and she's not really sure why.]
G4MZ33 M4K4R4
1 DONT H4V3 4 LOT TO S4Y TO YOU. 1 DONT KNOW WH4T YOUR3 3XP3CT1NG FROM TH1S OR FROM M3. 1 WOULD NOT CONS1D3R T4LK1NG W1TH YOU TO B3 SOM3TH1NG TH4T M4K3S M3 H4PPY.
TH3R3 4R3 NO L3G1SL4C3R4TORS H3R3. TH3R3 4R3NT 4NY FL4RPS 31TH3R. 1 H4V3 4 F3W OF MY SC4L3M4T3S BUT 1 NO LONG3R H4V3 4 TR33 TO H4NG TH3M 1N.
[There are dots on the page, like someone pressed their writing utensil to it over and over, starting to write but then stopping again before any strokes were made. The uncertainty is palpable.]
TH3R3 1S 4 B34CH H3R3. TH3 WHOL3 V1LL4G3 S1TS 1N 4 S3M1 C1RCL3 SURROUND1NG 4 B4Y. TH3 W4V3S 4R3 D4RK 4ND ROLL 1N OV3R 4ND OV3R. TH3Y C4LL TH1S PL4C3 TH3 SUNS3T C1RCUS B3C4US3 OF 4LL TH3 T3NTS 4ND TH3 W4Y TH3 SKY 1S 4LW4YS L1T UP. 1TS 4 M1X OF P1NKS 4ND PURPL3S 4ND OR4NG3S AND BLU3S AND GR3YS 4ND 4LL OF TH4T G3TS R3FL3CT3D OFF OF TH3 W4T3R TOO.
TH3 T3NTS 4R3 COLORFUL. NOT M1RTHFUL COLORFUL BUT SUNS3T COLORFUL. TH3N TH3R3 1S 4LL OF TH3 BOOTHS 4ND TH3 R1D3S W1TH TH31R STR1NGS OF L1GHTS DIPP1NG 1N 4RCH3S FROM POL3 TO POL3. 3V3RYTH1NG SM3LLS L1K3 FR13D FOOD 4ND COTTON C4NDY 4ND S4LT W4T3R. 3XC3PT WH3R3 1T 4LSO SM3LLS L1K3 L1GHT 4ND COLOR 4ND CLOS3N3SS.
TH3R3 4R3 4LW4YS P3OPL3 4ROUND. W3 DO NOT H4V3 S3P4R4T3 HOM3S. JUST ON3 B1G T3NT WH3R3 W3 4LL ST4Y. TH3R3 1S 4LW4YS 4N UND3RCURR3NT OF CH4TT3R1NG VO1C3S 3XC3PT SOM3T1M3S ON TH3 B34CH OR 1N TH3 SURROUND1NG FOR3ST OR ON TH3 OUTSK1RTS OF TH3 C4RN1V4L. 1T 1S W31RD TO H4V3 SO M4NY P3OPL3 4ROUND SO OFT3N. 1 W4SNT US3D TO TH4T.
[There are more dots on the page, like she wasn't sure where to go from there. So instead, she simply cuts it off short, signing the letter and shipping it out before she can second guess what she wrote.]
- T3R3Z1 PYROP3
no subject
Date: 2017-06-06 09:34 pm (UTC)AlL ThEm tHiNgS As yOu sAiD ArE LiKe tO Be mOtHeRfUcKiNg bEaUtIfUl. LiKe pArAdIsE. a mOsT MiRaCuLoUs pLaCe wHaT'S MaDe rEaL. wIsH I CoUlD Be
SeEiNg iT ToOGeTtInG ExPeRiEnCe oN As tO ThEm tHiNgS YoU'Re sPeAkInG Of. TrY AlL ThE CoMeStIbLeS SwEeT AnD LaY On iN ThE MiDdLe oF EvErYtHiNg aS FoR TaKiNg iN ThE CoLoR LiT LeGiT. gEt a lIsTeN On tO It aLl. MaYbE ToUcH ThE WaVeS.I AiN'T UsEd tO PeOpLe nOnE EiThEr. ThErE WaS So mOtHeRfUcKiNg mAnY WhAt wAs bEiNg uP In tHe cApItOl. AnD ThEn tHeRe wAsN'T AnD ThEn tHeRe wAs bEiNg tHiS PlAcE. tHeRe's lOtS HeRe tOo, BuT We's aLl fUrThEr aWaY, hAvInG At oUr oWn hIvEs. I GuEsS It's lIkE WhAt a rEgUlAr hIvEcLuStEr wOuLd mAkE To bE. iT AiN'T BaD Or nOnE, i jUsT KiNd oF ThOuGhT MaYbE I WoUlD LiKe iT MoRe.
[Not by fault of the meadous. He just isn't so sure he should be there. And he still manages not seeing anyone so much. He thought a hivecluster would be less lonely, even if it is less dangerous.]
I'M SoRrY YoU AiN'T GoT No tReE. i wEnT On sEeInG If aS I CoUlD SeNd oNe bUt i aIn't sO SuRe hOw yEt. MoSt iS BeInG KiNd oF BiG. sEeDs dOn't gRoW VeRy fAsT NoNe eItHeR. :o(
I'M SoRrY ShIt aIn't gEtTiNg tO BrInGiNg nO HaPpInEsS On aT To yOu nEiThEr. BuT I AiN'T GoT AnY ExPeCtAtIoNs nOnE. tHiS Is sEeMiNg gOoD Up aS It iS, tO Me. MaYbE I'Ll bE AbLe tO Be mAkInG YoU HaPpY SoMe tImE EvEnTuAl tOo.
I GoT TrYiNg tO MaKiNg hIm hApPy. IzZeKiEl, I Up aNd mEaN. wE HaDn't tAlKeD YeT, bUt i wEnT, aNd iT WaSn't bEiNg sO BaD Up aFtErAlL. wE GoT SiTtInG ToGeThErLiKe aNd wE LiStEnEd aS By tHe wAtEr. HaVe yOu eVeR BeEn rEaLlY ScArEd aNd a lItTlE SaD BuT KiNd oF HaPpY Up aT ThE SaMe mOtHeRfUcKiNg tImE? wAs kInD Of lIkE ThAt, I ThInK. eVeRyOnE WaS SaYiNg aS He wAs bEiNg rEaL AnGrY, cAuSe sOmE MoThErFuCkEr gOt pReTeNdInG To bE DeAd aS LiKe iN A GaMe aNd eVeRyOnE WaS FiGhTiNg aNd i tHiNk hE WaS Up bEiNg pArT Of tRyInG FiXiNg tHaT Or sOmEtHiNg? AnYwAy, He gOt rEaL MaD AfTeR AnD Up aNd lEfT AnD EvErYoNe wAs sAyInG LiKe iT BeSt nOt tO Go nEaR At tO HiM. bUt eVeN ThOuGh hE GoT AcTiNg mAd aNd eVeRyOnE WaS SaYiNg sO, i cOuLd tElL As aLl hE WaS ReAlLy sCaReD. wAs lIkE I CoUlD HeAr iT AlL Up iN My nUgBoNe. So i wEnT, fInAlLy, AnD ThEn iT WaS MaKiNg lIkE He wAsN'T ReAlLy sO MaD Up aT AlL. yOu kNoW WhAt i mEaN? i aIn't sUrE I'M SaYiNg tHiS AlL RiGhT. wAs rEaL WeIrD. i aIn't nEvEr dOnE NoThInG LiKe tHaT Up bEfOrEwAyS.
BuT, wHaT I'M MeAnInG As tO GeTtInG At iS, tHaNkS, i tHiNk. As fOr sAyInG It wAs oKaY. wE'Re mAkInG AlL To hAnG OuT AgAiN SoMeTiMe, MaYbE, wHeN He's fEeLiNg bEtTeRlIkE.
I GoT LoTs oF ThInGs aS To fInD Up iN ThE MeAdOuS. tHeRe's bEiNg mOuNtAiNs aNd cLiFfS, oCeAn aNd tReEs. EvEn tHeSe mAgIc cOlOr fUnGiS. i'm pUtTiNg a bIt oF AlEtHeIa's tReE LeAvEs oN In tHiS. i hOpE At yOu lIkE FoR ThEm. If tHeRe's aNyThInG As gOt wAnTiNg fOr i cAn sEnD It oN NeXt tImE.
-gAmZeE
no subject
Date: 2017-12-03 06:49 pm (UTC)[The leaves are taken from the letter, but she's not sure what else to do with them. It feels wrong to put them with the things that Meulin and Kurloz gave her. It feels wrong to throw them away. In the end, she puts them between the pages of a book and puts the book under her cot. She's not keeping them. She's just storing them until she figures out what to do.]
G4MZ33 M4K4R4
TH3R3 4R3 TR33S H3R3. TH3YR3 JUST NOT MY TR33. 1 DONT KNOW 1F 4LT3RN14N TR33S WOULD 3V3N GROW H3R3.
YOU SHOULD STOP WORRY1NG 4BOUT M4K1NG M3 H4PPY. TH4T 1S SO F4R B3YOND 4 POSS1B1L1TY R1GHT NOW TH4T 1T 1S NOT 3V3N WORTH M3NT1ON1NG.
YOU H4D B3TT3R B3 TR34T1NG 1ZZ3K13L W3LL.
THE LEAVES ARE OKAY.
[Once again, there's dots on the page that indicate where she paused. She tap, tap, taps the pen, starts to write a word, and then thinks better of it. She frowns at the paper for a long time, trying to think of something else to say.]
WHY DONT YOU L1K3 TH3 H1V3 CLUST3R? 1S TH3R3 SOM3TH1NG WRONG W1TH 1T?
[That's the most congeniality that she can draw up from herself, so that's going to have to be good enough. She signs the letter and sends it on its way.]
- T3R3Z1 PYROP3
no subject
Date: 2018-01-21 09:44 pm (UTC)I WoUlD GeT BeInG MaKiNg lIkE To aSk! ShOuLdN'T GeT No hArMs dOnE Up iN ThE KnOwInG, rIgHt?
I'Ll tRy tO Be nOt wOrRyInG So mUcH. iT'S HaRd tHoUgH, sEeInG As i sTiLl tHiNk aLl oN As lIkE YoU ShOuLd bE AnD I KiNd oF WaNt yOu tO Be aNd sUcHlIkE.
I AiN'T BeEn tReAtInG IzZeKiEl nOt wElL? i aIn't sO GoOd aT ThIs wHoLe dEsCeNdInG BuSiNeSs wHaT'S To bE, bUt wE'Ve bEeN HaNgInG OuT OnCe iN A WhIlE. nOt a wHoLe lOt bUt tHaT'S JuSt cAuSe oF Me.
GoT A GlAdNeSs oN YoU LiKe tHe lEaVeS. :o)
AiN'T No tHiNg bEiNg wRoNg wItH ThE HiVeClUsTeR. nO WrOnGs rEaL DoNe uP. iT'S JuSt...
I GoT UsEd tO LiViNg aLoNe, YoU GeT Me? AnD I GuEsS I WaS AlWaYs kInD Of wAnTiNg nOt tO Be, A LiTtLe. BuT ThEn i gOt hErE, aNd iT'S LiKe, MoThErFuCk! ThAt's a wHoLe lOt oF MoThErFuCkErS WhAt's mAkInG ReAl nEaRlIkE! bUt... It sTiLl fEeLs tHe sAmE As bEiNg aLoNe. It fEeLs lIkE A LoT Of aLoNe, BuT LiKe iT ShOuLdN'T Be, AlL Up tHe fUcK In rEaCh iS It, ReAl nEaR, rEaL ClOsE, bUt i cAn't mAkE ThIs hUsK Do nO ReAcHiNg. AnD I DoN'T KnOw iF I ReAlLy wAnT No oNe rEaChInG BaCk fOr mE.
ExCePt wHeN I Do, I GuEsS, wRiTiNg tO YoU. sOrRy, SiStEr.
BuT, iN AnY CaSiNgS, iT'S NoT SuPpOsEd tO Be aLoNe, BuT I'M MaKiNg aLoNe aNyWaYs, AnD ThAt kInDa jUsT FeElS WoRsE. cAuSe tHeN It's mEaNiNg lIkE CaUsE It's mE. bUt i dOn't gOt nO KnOwInG HoW To fIx tHaT.
I'D MaKe aSkInG If yOu eVeR GoT FeElInG SaMe, BuT YoU'Re aLl eVeRyBoDy's fRiEnD WhO'S SmArT AnD GoOd aNd sHiT. sO, pRoBaBlY NoT.
ThE WiCkEd bUsInEsS HaS MoSt tRuLy bEeN WiCkEd aS FoR WhAt tHiNgS Is tO Be dOnE HeRe. AlL KiNdS GoInG DoWn, EvEn aS It's qUiEt. I'M TrYiNg tO ThInK On wHaT OtHeR ThInGs i cOuLd bE SeNdInG YoU BuT I AiN'T AlL SuRe wHaT YoU'D LiKe. YoU JuSt dRoP ThEm wOrDs lIkE YoU WaS SlAmMiNg tHeM AnD I'Ll rOuNd uP WhAt's nEaT To mEeT It. HoNk. HoNk.
-gAmZeE
no subject
Date: 2018-05-04 06:24 pm (UTC)I don't exactly know how to start this. I'm not even sure you want to hear from me. I haven't written to you even if I've been for half a year. Six, seven months? Maybe 8. I haven't kept strict track. But I've had a lot to think about lately.
I hope you're alright. And happy. I'm doing alright. I'm better, I think. I've really had a lot to think about but i have people to talk to. Ini, I mean Izzekiel told me you were somewhere out there. I guess I'm just sending this letter into the void. Alfie says his friend found his wife out beyond our world and they write. So I figure this might get to you.
I'm not sure what to say. I like it here. I don't know if I should. I feel a little guilty for liking it here.
I sail. I sail everywhere in the ocean which is really not anywhere at all. There nothing to find but a weird creature. I think I might change that. I have friends. No family but it asks a lot to have family. I've found someone I like. Not love, but like, and that seems like enough.
I understand if you don't reply.
-Meulin Leijon