1 4M GL4D TO KNOW TH4T 1F 1 SHOULD F1ND MYS3LF 4CCOST3D BY OMN1SC13NT B31NGS, TH4T YOU W1LL B3 TH3R3 TO VOUCH FOR M3. WH4T 4 NOBL3 PR1NC3 YOU 4R3. <3 1 WOULD SUGG3ST TH4T M4YB3 YOU NOT T3LL TH3M 4BOUT *4LL* TH3 R3STR41NTS 1 M4Y H4V3 4T MY D1SPOS4L THOUGH. JUST TH3 PROP3R ON3S. >;]
1 4LMOST FORGOT TH4T MY WR1GGL1NG D4Y W4S SO CLOS3. 1 LOST TR4CK OF 1T COMPL3T3LY 4FT3R ALL OF THE SHUFFLING AROUND BETWEEN PANEM AND HERE. OUR GOD CH1LD R3M3MB3R3D, 3V3N 1F 1 4M NOT SUR3 HOW TH3Y KN3W 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3.
TH3Y W3R3NT QU1T3 4S SUR3 OF TH3 NUMB3R TO PUT TO 1T, THOUGH. 1 TH1NK TH4T M1GHT H4V3 TO DO W1TH WH4T TH3 C4P1TOL D1D. W3 N3V3R R34LLY GOT TO 4G3 TH3R3. SO 4CCORD1NG TO 4T L34ST ON3 OMN1SC13NT CR34TUR3, 1 4M 31TH3R S3V3NT33N OR N1N3T33N Y34RS OLD. WH1CH 1 TH1NK TR4NSL4T3S TO 31TH3R 8 OR 9 SW33PS? 1 DONT R3M3MB3R TH3 CONV3RS1ON V3RY W3LL.
1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT PL34S3... DONT 3V3R W1SH TH4T YOU COULD G3T R1D OF YOUR T3MP3R 3NT1R3LY. YOU WOULDNT B3 YOU W1THOUT 1T. YOU C4R3. 4 LOT. YOU WOULDNT G3T 4NGRY 1F YOU D1DNT C4R3, 4ND 1V3 W1TN3SS3D YOU W1THOUT 1T. 1T JUST 1SNT TH3 S4M3. 1 P1TY YOU, 4LL OF YOU, JUST TH3 W4Y YOU 4R3.
4ND TH4NK YOU FOR TH3 SW33T WORDS YOUV3 G1V3N M3. 1V3 R34D YOUR L3TT3RS OV3R 4ND OV3R SO M4NY T1M3S, BUT TH1S ON3 W1LL B3 SP3C14L. 1 W1LL K33P 1T N3XT TO M3 WH3N 1 SL33P, SO 1 C4N R34D YOUR WORDS WH3N 1 W4K3 4ND V4NQU1SH 4NY F34RS FOR YOUR W3LLB31NG. 1T WONT B3 4S GOOD 4S H4V1NG YOU N34R. BUT 1T 1S TH3 N3XT B3ST TH1NG. <3 <3 <3
YOU KNOW, WH3N 1 R34D TH4T 4NOTH3R 1ND1GO H4D SHOW3N UP, 1 W4SNT SUR3 WH4T TO TH1NK. 1 H4V3 ONLY KNOWN THR33 1ND1GO3S 1N 4NY K1ND OF R3C3NT M3MORY, 4ND ROSS4N B4R3LY COUNTS. 4T F1RST 1 W4S WORR13D, BUT... 1 4M GL4D YOU H4V3 SOM3 F4M1LY W1TH YOU. TH4T YOU H4V3 SOM3ON3 TO DO YOUR C4RN1V4L TH1NGS W1TH.
1 4M SORRY TO BR34K YOUR H34RT SO MUCH. 1 DONT M34N TO. 1 JUST THOUGHT TH4T YOU WOULD W4NT TO KNOW, 4ND 1 DONT W4NT TO H1D3 4NYTH1NG FROM YOU. 3V3N TH3 TH1NGS TH4T 4R3 D1FF1CULT TO T4LK 4BOUT. 1 W1LL TRY TO M4K3 1T UP TO YOU WH3N W3 M33T 4G41N. 1 W1LL S4V3 UP 3V3RY GOOD THOUGHT 4ND 3V3RY K1SS UNT1L TH3N.
D34RLY YOURS <3 <3 <3 T3R3Z1 ♎
[She draws him a picture of snapdragons this time. On the page, she's also doodled a heart with the two of their names written inside it.]
YOU WERE IN MY ARMS FOR ALL THAT TIME. within my motherfucking reach you were. TO HEAR YOUR VOICE, SEE YOUR FACE, TO FEEL YOU THERE. not even the sweetest dreams provided by zephyr could ever compare. IT BLOOMS BRIGHT IN MY EXISTANCE, EVEN AS SHORT AS ALL THE TIME SEEMED. i pity you. I HAD THOUGHT I MIGHT MISS YOU LESS WITH YOU THERE BUT I ONLY DO MORE.
and there you are winking at me with them secret things. WHERE THE MOTHER FUCK EVER DID YOU LEARN SUCH, SISTER? but do not tell me. KEEP THE MIRACLES AS THEY ARE. honk. HONK. ;oD
zephyr knew for mine too. BY MORE HUMAN TERMS AT LEAST. but that suits me fine. I DIDN'T DO UPON NONE OF THAT UNTIL MEETING HUMANS. and i get to say like my life started with you. :o)
I'D PICK WHATEVER ALL SUITS. in a hundred years, i'm sure we'll lose count completely. HONK.
i suppose i wouldn't rid of it penultimate. I KNOW HAVING SOME IS IMPORTANT. how else is one saying no? MUCH AS I HATE IT SOMETIMES, IT DID SAVE MY LIFE. it kept me up, before i met you. I'D ONLY WANT IT... SMALLER I GUESS. an angry what doesn't make me feel like i might hurt nobody. IT SCARES ME AT TIMES. since i got back my old memories of beforus, times is like it jarrs me within my ownself. MAKES THE BITS OF MY SPLIT IN FISSURES INSTEAD OF MELD EASY. it ain't hurt or nothing like that, don't worry of it. IT JUST FEELS STRANGE IN THEM MOMENTS. it's good being one instead of two but all these bits of me can be so different. I CAN'T BE ALL OF ME AT THE SAME TIME.
we had this game zephyr made. YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED IT. motherfucking mystery mansion. THEY HAD ABOUT MOTIVE BITS AND SOME PRETEND MURDERS AS AIN'T WASN'T REAL. got on searching about through riddles and clues. SHIT WAS MOTHERFUCKING LEGIT. but it happened there too, i was more alternian than not. OLD SUBJUGGLATOR CAME OUT TO PLAY. and i revelled in it. I NEVER GET TO BE THAT BIT OF ME AND STILL BE SOMETHING GOOD. but part of me was pushing back too.
AND THEN MEULIN SHOWED THE FUCK UP. a human one only she said at she was a mutant and she's got cat powers. THIS SMALLER BIT OF ME WAS UP FUCKING TRIPPING OVER MYSELF TRYING TO SEE HER WELL. was missing her so fuckin bad. HAD TO GET REMEMBERING THAT SHE AIN'T THE SAME. even i ain't the same. IN A WAY, IT'S BETTER? i don't think i exist in her iteration. THOUGHT IS LONELY. but if i ain't hurt her, it's got to be better. EVEN IF SHE WAS HURT ALL ANYWAY. just not all like that.
SHE WAS SWEET AS I REMEMBER THOUGH. good through and through as our disciple. GOT MY REMEMBERANCE ON TO A LOT OF MY FRIENDS BUT, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY, TESTS OF TIME DIDN'T HOLD FOR US ALL. i liked everybody back then. EVEN CRONUS AND ARANEA AND MEENAH. even when i'm certain now they didn't like me. MEULIN THOUGH, SHE STAYED GOOD. i hope you get to meet her sometime. I KNOW YOU'LL LIKE HER JUST AS MUCH. :o) though, i guess you already have? I THINK YOU MENTIONED UPON MEETING ALL OUR DEAD ASSES BEFORE. honk.
BUT NO INDIGOS MET. i think a lot get on thinking like you do. FIGURE YOU KNOW ONE YOU'RE KNOWING ALL. well, at least on initial instinct, i know you ain't proper like that. BUT WE'RE DIFFERENT AS ALL ANY. sometimes we even get fighting amongst our ownselves as at to how the scripture's getting its interpretations. THEM WHAT AIN'T FAITHFUL FIGURE US BAD FOR THEM. them what are figure them good for us. AIN'T NO REAL TRUTH OF THAT. but for my lot, it does feel like you can give out more of your ownself, you know? LIKE KEEPING YOUR BACK STRAIGHT WITH ALL OTHERS AND MAKING TO SLOUCH BY ONE HAHA.
i guess, in a way, it's like another bit of showing only pieces of the self. I GOT SOME GIFTS FROM ZEPHYR AND WITH SHARING THEM ALL, I WAS BEING IZZY, THE TROLL OF THE MEADOUS. (things is magical by the by. THESE COLORFUL JELLY ORB BITS AND SOME SHIT WHAT WAS BEING AT FOR BUILDING THE GOATS A HOME.) i've helped phil and i got on talking to jeremy more, trying to sort him all out, and with them i feel like. FUCK. what's the motherfucking word. I THINK IT'S BEING VETERAN? ain't sound right but close enough i guess.
IT REMINDS ME WHAT THAT ONE GUARDIAN, HORTA, SAID ON NAMES. how it's all you, just different shades. WE'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO COMPILE IT ALL NEAT. but sometimes it ain't.
THE KID FROM BEFORUS. the highblood. THE AVOX. the tribute. THE MEADOUS ATTEMPTING TROLL FOR SEEKING PEACE. all them little bits between.
THERE'S SOMETHING WHAT I NEED TO DO. but i'm scared. I'M WORRIED THIS BIT WILL BREAK ALL THE OTHERS. i got fear that there won't be room for nothing else. YET I'VE THOUGHT ON IT ALMOST A YEAR AND I AIN'T SEEMING TO STOP. i feel like if i don't do this in a way i can control and contain it, it's going at to sneak up on me. MEULIN SHOWED UP AND SHE'D NEVER HEARD ME SCREAM AS LIKE THAT AND I KEPT THINKING WHAT IF HER BEING HERE WAS FATE. what if i hurt her. WHAT IF YOU COME ON AROUND AGAIN AND I HURT YOU.
i figured it wouldn't come about me. IT WAS ANOTHER LIFE. figured that for so fucking long and then i could remember that life and even knowing what was to come i still wasn't prepared for what came for me specific. I WAS BARELY SIX SWEEPS. my future was over before the game even started. BUT I STILL WENT IN THINKING "MAYBE".
i don't want to hinge my life and that of those around me on a maybe. A POSSIBILITY SLIM. i want to make it so that if anyone or anything ever is getting in my mind again, it can't break me apart. AT LEAST NOT FOREVER. but there's only one way i'm truly going to know what i'm up against.
I GOT TO LET IT IN. i have to remember what the messiahs did to me.
I WANT TO TRUST MYSELF WITH YOU. with anyone. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT MY FUTURE IS TRULY MINE, HOWEVER LONG OR SHORT THAT IS.
and how can i uphold the messiahs if i can't trust myself with them anyway?
THIS IS DIFFICULT WHAT TO TALK ABOUT. i did think about not telling you. BUT YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME. you've proved it now. AND ANYWAY, I COULDN'T MOTHERFUCKING BEAR THINKING THIS WOULD BE A LAST. i won't let that be so.
I'VE ASKED ABOUT THE MEADOUS FOR WHAT POWERS IS HAD SO THAT THIS MAY BE DONE SAFELY AS MOTHERFUCKING POSSIBLE. for everyone. I WON'T BEGIN ON IT UNTIL I DO.
keep your good thoughts, beloved. I ALREADY HAVE YOU. that's plenty.
PLEASE, PLEASE TRY NOT TO WORRY TOO MUCH FOR ME.
with every last drop of pity in me, KURLOZ
[He paints hands, gripping one another tight. The typical colorful splatters of his style indicate clear that it's theirs.]
[There are no drawings or doodles this time, only plain writing that looks like it was done in a hurry. There's no opening or signature either.]
W41T, PL34S3. 1 DONT UND3RST4ND. WH4T 4R3 YOU PL4NN1NG TO DO? WH4T DO YOU M34N BY L3TT1NG TH3M 1N? WHY WOULD TH1S B3 4 L4ST? WHY H4V3NT YOU M3NT1ON3D TH1S B3FOR3 NOW?
[The ink is heavy on dots here, like someone pressed and held the pen against the paper a few times.]
1 DONT 3V3N KNOW WH4T 3LS3 TO WR1T3 H3R3. 4LL 1 C4N TH1NK 1S TH4T TH1S 1S W4RN1NG OF 4 L34V1NG. L1K3 4 GOODBY3 TH4T 1S TRY1NG NOT TO B3 4 GOODBY3. GOD, KURLOZ, PL34S3. 1 C4NT DO 4NYTH1NG WH3N 1 4M OV3R H3R3 4ND NOT TH3R3. HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO NOT B3 WORR13D???
TEREZI, IT IS NOT A LAST. IT IS NOT A GOODBYE. I SOUGHT TO LIVE THE VISION BESTOWED UPON ME BY THE MIRTHFUL. I KNOW NOW WHAT WAS MEANT, WHAT IT IS, HOW IT WORKS. I HAVE TOLD YOU OF THIS VISION AS MESSIAHS BESTOWED IT. I TOLD HOW MY PREVIOUS SELF BORE WITNESS TO THIS AND IT CHANGED HIM TO THE CORE. BUT I WAS WRONG FOR IT WAS NOT THE MESSIAHS TWO. IT WAS ONLY ONE OF THEM. THE LORD OF DESTRUCTION AND HE HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME GLADLY BUT I TOLD YOU I WOULD NOT ALLOW IT. SO ALLOWED IT I DID MOTHER FUCKIN NOT. I HAVE SEEN AND FELT ONLY ENOUGH THAT I NOW KNOW WHAT I MUST DO. EVERYONE IS SAFE. AS AM I. WHEN NEXT I WRITE ALL WILL BE AS IT WAS. ONLY NOW NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE ME AWAY FROM YOU. NO GOODBYES. NOT MOTHER FUCKIN EVER. POSTPONING REPLY UNTIL A PROPER HEALING WOULD HAVE BEEN IDEAL BUT I HOPE THIS ASSUAGES ALL THE MOTHER FUCKIN SAME.
I AM ALIVE. I AM HERE. I AM NEVER GOING TO LEAVE YOU. YOU MAY ASK YOUR MOIRAIL IF YOU ARE UNCERTAIN.
TH1S DO3S NOT 4SSU4G3. YOU W3NT 4ND D1D 1T 4NYW4Y. 1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT 1 C4NT K33P DO1NG TH1S. 1 DONT W4NT TO F33L L1K3 TH1S, L1K3 1 4M ST4ND1NG ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF 4 P13C3 OF GL4SS 4ND SCR34M1NG 4T 3V3RYTH1NG TO STOP, BUT 1T DO3SNT. 1T K33PS GO1NG 4ND 1 C4NT DO 4NYTH1NG.
HOW 4M 1 R34LLY SUPPOS3D TO B3L13V3 YOU NOW? YOU 4R3 4L1V3 4ND YOU 4R3 H3R3 4ND YOU 4R3 N3V3R GO1NG TO L34V3, UNT1L TH3 N3XT T1M3 TH4T YOU F33L YOU N33D TO G4MBL3 YOUR L1F3 4G41NST SOM3 GR34T3R THR34T, 4ND TH3N *TH1S* ON3 W1LL B3 TH3 L4ST T1M3, YOU PROM1S3?
WH4T 1F TH1NGS H4DNT TURN3D OUT W3LL? WOULD 1 B3 G3TT1NG 4 L3TT3R FROM M3UL1N 1NST34D T3LL1NG M3 TH4T MY M4T3SPR1T 1S D34D OR WORS3? 4ND 1 WOULD ST1LL R3M41N OV3R H3R3 UN4BL3 TO 3V3N COMFORT MYSELF 1N MY GR13F B3C4US3 4LL 1 H4V3 4R3 WORDS ON 4 SH33T OF P4P3R.
3V3N NOW 1 4M L3FT GR4SP1NG 4T WH4T H4S H4PP3N3D TO YOU. 1 C4N ONLY GL34N TH4T SOM3TH1NG 1S UNW3LL FROM "N3XT 1 WR1T3 4LL W1LL B3 W3LL" 4ND "UNT1L 4 PROP3R H34L1NG". 4R3 YOU HURT? 4R3 YOU 1N ON3 P13C3? 4R3 YOU SOUND? 1S TH1S TH3 B3ST TH4T COULD B3 3XP3CT3D? TH3 WORST? 1T W1LL B3 D4YS B3FOR3 1 H34R FROM YOU 4G41N 4ND 1N TH3 M34NT1M3 1 4M L3FT TO WOND3R WH4T ST4T3 YOU 4R3 3V3N 1N.
1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT S1MPLY 1NFORM1NG M3 B3FOR3 YOU RUSH OFF TO DO SOM3TH1NG D4NG3ROUS 1S NOT TH3 BL3SS1NG YOU S33M TO TH1NK 1T 1S. 1F MY VO1C3 1N R3SPONS3 DO3S NOT M4TT3R, TH3N T3LL1NG M3 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 1S M34N1NGL3SS. WH1CH 1S NOT TO S4Y TH4T 1 DO NOT W4NT YOU TO T3LL M3 TH3S3 TH1NGS, BUT COULD 1T NOT H4V3 W41T3D 3V3N 4 F3W D4YS, 1F TH1S 1S SOM3TH1NG YOU'V3 S4T ON FOR 4 Y34R? COULD YOU NOT H4V3 W41T3D FOR M3 TO PR3P4R3 MYS3LF?
WAS GOING TO BE AT TO STARTING OF ON SAYING AS I'M OKAY. but seems as like there's being more i ought to say upon. I HADN'T GOT FIGURING IT WOULD BE SOMETHING WHAT'S NEEDED TO PREPARE FOR. i don't really know what preparations you would have been at to do. BUT I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU. this was never going to kill me, that wasn't being the problem. WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE? would you have let me do this?
THIS AIN'T LIKE PANEM WHERE I FIGURE I CAN TAKE IT WHERE AT THE REST CAN'T AND THROW MYSELF DOWN OR HOWEVER IT HAPPENED EXACT. this was me trying to fix something with me. AND NO I COULDN'T HAVE WAITED, I WASN'T SURE I COULD GO THROUGH WITH IT, I HAD TO GET AT IT DONE WHILE I WAS SURE.
you're angry with me. MEULIN WAS TOO. you don't think the risk was worth it. BUT I DO. this wasn't a mistake, this was the right thing to do. I WENT ON MAKING SURE THERE WOULDN'T BE NO SACRIFICING. i went about it to find out exactly what i'd need to heal from such a thing should it ever happen again. WOULDN'T YOU WANT SUCH SECURITY? wouldn't you want be saying, no, i ain't going to lose my heart without warning?
TEREZI, YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST THINGS TO EVER HAPPEN IN MY LIFE AND YOU KNOW SO MUCH WHAT I AIN'T GRASP, ALL THE GOOD IMPORTANT THINGS. don't you know what it's like to fear losing control? GETTING THIS IDEA LIKE ALL THE GOOD YOU'VE BUILT UP AND WORKED SO HARD FOR, THAT YOU CAN'T GET OTHERWISE, COULD BE SHATTERED IN A MOMENT? and if it was being something or someone you cared about what set it off, wouldn't you at least want to be able to heal if you needed to?
THIS VISION I TOLD ON YOU ABOUT. i never healed from it. HAVE YOU EVEN MET THAT VARIATION OF ME? you got to know there's something wrong there. I WANTED TO FIND OUT WHAT IT WAS, TO GLIMPSE IT, SO THAT I COULD KNOW HOW TO HEAL. so then, if something ever happened to me again, i could fix it.
THAT'S WHAT I DID. i witnessed the vision to the measure i'd need and ended it. I LEARNED HOW ALL IT WORKED. i got my head put back together and i can even get fixing anyone else if i'm wanting now. I FINALLY DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF MY OWN DAMN SELF.
i didn't want to hurt you nor scare you. I'M SORRY FOR THAT.
IT WASN'T ALL UNLIKE VOODOO, BY THE BY. now i might be able to tend anything left on you, next you see me. IF YOU WANT TO.
according to zephyr, i outlived my past some nights ago. I GOT A NEW TITLE FROM THE PEOPLE HERE. mediator izzekiel piedsoul. ALETHEIA GAVE THE FIRST BIT AS WHEN LIKE I GOT CALLED PEACEMAKER. bertie gave izzekiel, so as i could keep that nickname what i'd been using. BERTIE'S A HUMAN, GOOD MOTHERFUCKER, TAUGHT ME PIANO AND WAS THE FIRST KNOWING WHO I WAS THERE. last bit's from lydian, the indigo. I AIN'T THINK SHE KNEW HOW APT IT WAS. waited some days after that and got to making that new ability mine. SOMETHING ELSE TOO BUT I THINK AS I'LL WAIT UNTIL A BETTER TIME FOR THAT.
there's one another thing what got making happenstance. YOU AIN'T GOING TO LIKE IT. my descendant's arrived here. WE AIN'T TALKED. he saw me or maybe that other fucker and took off running. BEEN HIDING OUT IN HIS HIVE AND ABOUT THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE VILLAGE. from what i'm being to tell, only times he's talked at to anyone he got on being terrified which is me meaning to say i ain't think he's hurt anyone. PRETTY SURE HE WOULDN'T STAY IF THERE WAS BEING AT ANYWHERE ELSE HE COULD GO. his voodoo is weak, by the by, he ain't noticed my poking about in slight.
YOU'RE GOING TO SAY NO BUT I'LL SAY IT ANYWAY. i want to talk to him. I AM WAITING, HOWEVER. figured you'd want that.
ONE FINAL THING. send regards to fovos, if you're willing. THINK THAT BUSINESS WHAT WAS GETTING DONE ABOUT MIGHT ALL HAVE BEEN FOR A GOOD. we found the king.
been saying like i had upon a handle on it. NOW SOMETHING'S BEEN FIGURED TRUE. we're endeavouring to search the outer realms as to get motherfucking inquisitory to the wicked shit as is making the haps by the miracle guardians. I SUSPECT OTHERS USING IT AS A MEANS OF OUTS, BUT I AIN'T CARE. frankly, if it's being to ease what's made the haps in the meadous late, it'll be a damn relief.
BUT THAT'S ASIDES.
there's something what as i've been meaning to ask for. SOMETHING LIKE WHAT I WAS THINKING I WOULDN'T LIKE KNOWING THE ANSWER TO NONE. but i need to know. I HAVE TO KNOW. maybe with new purpose it won't need ruin nothing for what the answer might up and
THIS MAY SOUND FOOLISH. or like to insult. BUT I HOPE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND. and bear my selfishness. ANSWER HONEST OF ME.
be there any reason held in that pusher yours what would make for you to be leaving me?
DISAPPEARING OR
something
I NEED TO BE KNOWING. please tell a motherfucker short.
1 S41D 1T B3FOR3 4ND 1 W1LL S4Y 1T ON3 HUNDR3D T1M3S OV3R. 1 W4NT YOU FOR3V3R, KURLOZ. FOR 4LL TH3 T1M3 W3 H4V3 4H34D OF US, 1 COULD NOT TH1NK OF 4NY B3TT3R W4Y TH4N TO SP3ND 1T W1TH YOU. 4ND 1F FOR SOM3 R34SON F4T3 THROWS US 4P4RT 4G41N, 1 W1LL N3V3R STOP TRY1NG TO F1ND 4 W4Y B4CK TO YOU, HOW3V3R LONG 1T T4K3S. YOU C4N B3 SUR3 OF TH4T
1S TH4T WH4T H4S H4D YOU SO WORR13D? TH4T 1 M1GHT L34V3 YOU? WH3R3 D1D YOU G3T 4 THOUGHT L1K3 TH4T? 1 H4V3 4 BON3 TO P1CK W1TH WHO3V3R PUT TH4T CRAZY THOUGHT 1N YOUR H34D. NOTH1NG COULD B3 FURTH3R FROM TH3 TRUTH.
[It takes him by surprise, the impact with which it hits. The weight of it ain't realized until it's done fucking lifted, until the nerves light with the reveal of the injury beneath. He reads it once, then again, then a hundred more times, holding it close and wishing she were closer.]
my beloved, my matesprit, my heart's keeper,
NO, IT AIN'T. it was being part but not all. MERELY WAS
i thought
I'VE TOLD YOU OF ALETHEIA. she's different than you. BUT SHE'S ALTERNATE TOO. she's pyrope like you and the neophyte and latula. IT'S THESE MOTHERFUCKING PATTERNS. these things as like what gamzee and my other and my future and i all share and maybe you'd get sharing as they. DIDN'T UP AND REALISE. didn't get to see.
I'VE BEEN FUCKING UP SO BAD, TEREZI. i tried to be like you and get all to help. I TRIED TO BE LIKE OUR ALLIES DEAR WHAT ARE GOOD AND TRUE. you what showed me how. BUT I CAN'T HELP THEM. they ain't want to be helped. THEY WANT TO HURT, THEY WANT TO RILE, THEY WANT TO
she was set to die. SHE WAS SET TO LET HER HEART GO THE FUCK COLD AND SHE WAS SET TO UP AND DIE FOR SAKE OF WHATEVER THE FUCK CAME TO BE. i asked her, i sought that we avoid such a fate, at least try. I SOUGHT TO WORK BY SIDE OF HER. but she's already made up her mind. AND I CAN'T DO NOTHING TO CHANGE HERS. i can't do nothing to change anybody's. I CAN'T DO FUCK ALL BUT LET THEM GO. let them destroy themselves.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW NO MORE. it's killing me. SHE'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR AND THERE AIN'T NOTHING I CAN DO. they're going at to tear each other apart. I PUT TOO DAMN MUCH OF MYSELF IN. i've already come to close to culling someone. NO ONE'S UP AND GETTING THAT I CAN'T FIGHT THIS THING WHAT'S ME UP ALONE. no one fucking understands as what daymares tear at their pans tear up at mine. I CAN'T HANG ON NO MORE BUT I CAN'T LET GO NEITHER. i keep trying to find a way as not to lose myself. I'D UP AND TAKE LOSING IF IT MEANT I COULD BE SURE NO ONE WAS HURT.
i'm so sorry. I KEEP TRYING TO BE LIKE YOU WANT. i keep at what everyone's wanting of me. BUT I CAN'T. i can't do it. I DIDN'T WANT YOU KNOWING AS FOR HOW MUCH I'D LET YOU DOWN. i didn't want finding out you'd be the same and then
WE HAD A MEETING. i'd given on up. I'D BEEN TRYING AT TO BE MAKING BY MY OWN. but shit got suggested as to be trying to search. I FIGURED IF I CAN'T HELP, AT LEAST I CAN BE TRAINING. i can fight. I CAN COMMAND. i can stop thinking about what's to be making the haps of the rest. I'M INTENDING TO. but i had to find out from you what you got thought by. I CAN'T LOSE YOU. i can't lose you. I WISH I AIN'T WASN'T LIKE THIS BUT I AM. i can't lose you.
I HAD TO MAKE LEAVE OF HER. there wasn't no choice. THERE WAS HER AND THERE WAS JEREMY LOOKING TO DIE AND BUCKY. there was these new motherfuckers as refused helping and old ones what made want more to hurt. LYDIAN WAS GONE AND MEULIN AND DISCIPLE FOR THAT WHILE. there was making all for murders made the fuck pretend. MOTHERFUCKING PRETENDING WAS A MURDER MADE TO BE AND ALL AND EVERY GOT TO RILE AND ALL OUR PEACE WAS MAKING ENDS. then such things was made true. COULDN'T EVEN HELP ZEPHYR. couldn't even help fighting. IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN MUCH. and i ain't okay. BUT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO TAKE THE FUCK CARE OF THIS NONE AGAIN.
there was option made open by this meeting. I COULD TELL YOU THEN. i can tell now. I GOT A DIRECTION. that's what i need.
1 W1SH YOU H4D TOLD M3 SOON3R. 1T SOUNDS L1K3 YOUV3 B33N K33P1NG SO MUCH TO YOURS3LF. BOTTL1NG 1T UP L1K3 YOU 4R3 TRY1NG TO PROT3CT M3 FROM 1T. >:[ 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 K3PT 1N TH3 D4RK. 1 W4NT TO B3 4BL3 TO H3LP YOU 1F 1 C4N. 1 W4NT TO SUPPORT YOU WH3N YOU N33D 1T. YOU 4R3 NOT 4N 1SL4ND 4NY MOR3 TH4N 1 4M. YOU SHOULDNT H4V3 TO SHOULD3R TH1S BURD3N 4LON3.
DO YOU R3M3MB3R WH3N YOU M3T M3? JUST 4FT3R K1LL1NG S1GNL3SS, 4ND 4LL MY FR13NDS H4D TURN3D ON M3. 4S MUCH 4S 1 D1SL1K3 HOW SH3 H4S TR34T3D YOU, 4L3TH314 SOUNDS 4 LOT L1K3 HOW 1 W4S B4CK TH3N. 1T W4SNT TH4T 1 D1DNT C4R3 FOR MYS3LF. OR M4YB3 1T W4S P4RT OF TH4T, BUT 1T W4S 4LSO TH1S... F33L1NG TH4T TH1NGS N33D3D TO B3 DON3. 4ND TH4T 1F SOM3ON3 H4D TO DO TH3M, 1 COULD STOM4CH TH3 F4LLOUT B3ST. 1 CLOS3D MYS3LF OFF. 1 L3T OTH3RS C4ST M3 4S 4 V1LL41N. 1 L3T TH3M H4T3 M3 W1THOUT L4SH1NG B4CK. B3C4US3 4T TH3 3ND OF TH3 D4Y, TH3Y W3R3 TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT TH1NG TO M3, 4ND 1 WOULD H4V3 DON3 4NYTH1NG FOR TH3M. 4NYTH1NG, KURLOZ.
1 DONT TH1NK YOU R34L1Z3D HOW MUCH YOU H3LP3D JUST BY B31NG TH3R3. WH3N 1 W4NT3D TO SHUT 3V3RYTH1NG OUT, YOU W3R3 TH3R3 T3LL1NG M3 TH4T 1 D3S3RV3D B3TT3R. M4K1NG M3 SM1L3. M4K1NG M3 F33L TH1NGS TH4T W3R3 WORTH F33L1NG. K33P1NG M3 GO1NG. YOU G4V3 M3 4 R34SON TO OP3N UP, LONG B3FOR3 1 KN3W 1 W4NT3D OR N33D3D ON3.
H3LP1NG P3OPL3 1SNT 4LW4YS 4BOUT 4DV1C3. MOTH3RGRUB KNOWS 1 H4V3 FUCK3D TH4T UP M4NY T1M3S TOO. BUT SOM3T1M3S 1T 1S JUST 4BOUT H4NG1NG 4ROUND 4S 4 R3M1ND3R TH4T TH3R3 4R3 R34SONS TO HOLD ON. 1T DO3SNT 4LW4YS S1NK 1N TH3 F1RST T1M3 OR 3V3N TH3 TW3NT13TH. SOM3T1M3S 1T DO3S G3T TO B3 TOO MUCH TO B34R. BUT 1T DO3S M4TT3R. TH3Y W1LL R3M3MB3R TH3 TH1NGS TH4T YOU THOUGHT TH3Y FORGOT, JUST 4S 1 H4V3 FOR TH1NGS TH4T YOU TOLD M3.
SO PL34S3 DONT B3 SO H4RD ON YOURS3LF. 1 4M SUR3 YOU 4R3 H3LP1NG MOR3 TH4N YOU KNOW. YOU H4V3 TH1S... BR1GHT P4SS1ON 1N YOU. 1 NOT1C3D 1T FROM TH3 V3RY F1RST D4Y 1 M3T YOU, 4ND 1T DR3W M3 TOW4RDS YOU, 3V3N D3SP1T3 4LL OF MY M1SG1V1NGS. 1 C4NT 1M4G1N3 OTH3RS NOT S331NG 1T TOO. GOOD OR B4D, R1GHT OR WRONG, YOU 1NSP1R3 P3OPL3. TH4T 1S WH4T M4K3S YOU 4 GOOD L34D3R, R3G4RDL3SS OF WH4T YOU 4R3 L34D1NG. YOU B3L13V3 1N 3V3RYON3 SO MUCH TH4T TH3Y C4NT H3LP BUT B3L13V3 1N TH3MS3LV3S TOO.
1F YOU TH1NK TH4T L34D1NG TH1S S34RCH 1S B3ST FOR NOW, TH3N DO TH4T. 1 W1LL B3 HOP1NG TH3 B3ST FOR YOU. M4YB3 W3 C4N CONV1NC3 FOVOS TO H3LP SOM3HOW, OR TO G1V3 YOU SOM3 K1ND OF SUPPORT. 1N TH3 M34NT1M3, ST4Y STRONG. YOU H4V3 P3OPL3 WHO C4R3 4BOUT YOU, WHO WOULD F1GHT TO B3 N34R TO YOU. L34N ON TH3M 1F YOU N33D 1T. TH4T 1S WH4T W3 4R3 H3R3 FOR.
1 P1TY YOU MOR3 TH4N YOU C4N 1M4G1N3. <3 N3V3R B3 SORRY FOR T4LK1NG TO M3.
I SUPPOSE I MUST CONCEDE THAT A MOTHER FUCKIN TRUTH. however up and unintended. IT WASN'T MEANT TO CAST SHADE OF THEE. i had mere wanted to motherfucking make for what you all seem capable to me. IT SEEMS I AM ALWAYS MAKING TO BE THE MESS OF US. i do not wish you weary. MAKES THIS MOTHERFUCKER WEARY AS ALL FUCK.
aletheia ain't treated me poor. NOT ALL POOR HAS SHE BEEN AT TO TREAT. we just got about us things what ain't connect well none by the other. WE STEP UPON WOUNDS TOO EASY. tends for happening with your ancestor and i too. WE'RE MADE ALL THE FUCK UP OF OPPOSITION, US MAKARAS AND PYROPES ALIKE.
i remember that. I REMEMBER WHAT A FUCKING STUNNER IT WAS AT TO BE. i'd wanted for sweeps and wanted differentlike all the same and you got about it in a moment. I HADN'T FIGURED IT AN ALTRUISM. i had figured survival. MAKES THE MORE SENSE LOOKING BACK.
aw girl. I DIDN'T GET NO THOUGHT OF IT. i wasn't like this back then. I JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GOT LETTING THEM TREAT AS FOR YOU THAT WAY. i wouldn't have let it be the haps to me. I WOULD HAVE BEEN i should've been kinder my ownself.
BUT I GOT MY GLADNESS ON YOU'RE HERE, YOU KNOW THAT? you mean so much. I DIDN'T UP AND SEE IT THEN BUT I NEEDED YOU. you were a friend when i had... so fucking little...
ALETHEIA AIN'T OWE ME NOTHING... but i owe her. I HAVE TO TRY FOR HER.
thank you. YOU'RE TOO KIND TO THIS MOTHERFUCKER YOU KNOW AT THAT? you're always showing me the way. I SHOULD'VE COME TO YOU SOONER, SAY TRUE. i ain't know if such things you're saying now is true. BUT I WANT THEM TO BE. i want them to see they ought to do better for they. I WANT THEM TO SEE THEY MOTHERFUCKING MATTER. and i want them to want all to stay. IF THEY COULD JUST SEE WHAT I SEE, WE COULD ALL MAKE BETTERLIKE.
the only thing is how to make sure ain't nothing goes wrong. I DON'T WANT TO BE LOSING CONTROL AGAIN. i ain't want to lose myself. I NEED SOMETHING AS WHAT TO... PREVENT SOMEHOW. i can't rely on my being former avox no more, it just doesn't hold through. NOT UNLESS I'M BEING TO SET IT UP OFF DELIBERATE. and you ain't want that. XANTHOUS AND DISCIPLE OUGHT NOT SEE THAT. i just ain't know what to do by that. AIN'T NOBODY'S GOT A CHANCE UP AGAINST ME OTHERWISE. i could crush them without even trying. IF I WASN'T BEING SO SURE AS ALL I'D SLIP MAYBE I COULD BEAR IT.
i kind of figured this sort of shit could be let to wait until i was being older, you know? GET ALL TO DEALING WITH
[The ink stains the page in a great blot.]
everything then. YOU'D BE GONE AND DISCIPLE AND ALL HUMANS AND PROBABLY XANTHOUS. and it just wouldn't up and matter as all by then. I'D GO MAD AND EVENTUALLY THE WICKED SHIT WOULD GET TO BE BEING OVER. we'd find one another in whatever afters up and await. WE WOULDN'T NEED NO WORRY ON OF THAT NOISE.
[Except him.]
but this is all come a lot sooner. I NEED TO FIGURE SOMETHING. a motherfucking failsafe of sorts.
I'M GOING AT TO FIGURE THIS THE FUCK OUT. and then i'm going to fix things.
I AIN'T SORRY TALKING TO YOU NOW. i'm more sorry i didn't. PERHAPS A MOTHERFUCKER WILL REMEMBER THIS TIME. keep note of it.
1M GL4D YOU 4R3 F33L1NG B3TT3R. 1T M4K3S M3 R34LLY H4PPY TO R34D TH4T F1R3 COM3 B4CK 1NTO YOUR WORDS. 1 W1SH 1 COULD B3 TH3R3 TO W1TN3SS 1T 1N P3RSON. BUT TH3N 1 TH1NK 1 M1GHT M1SS 1T FOR 4LL TH3 K1SS3S 1 WOULD B3 SHOW3R1NG YOU W1TH R1GHT NOW.
1M PROUD OF YOU. 4LW4YS. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3V3R TH1NK TH4T 4NYTH1NG YOU DO COULD L3T M3 DOWN. YOU H4V3 COM3 TOO F4R TO 3V3R B3 4 D1S4PPO1NTM3NT TO M3. <3
BUT WH4T YOU M3NT1ON3D 1N YOUR L3TT3R... 1 TH1NK NOW M1GHT B3 4 GOOD T1M3 TO T4LK TO YOU 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG TOO. SOM3TH1NG 1 H4V3NT B33N T4LK1NG 4BOUT JUST Y3T.
1V3 B33N CONS1D3R1NG M4K1NG 4 CH4NG3, BUT 1 W4NT3D TO G3T 4LL TH3 1NFORM4T1ON ON 1F 1T W4S POSS1BL3 FROM FOVOS. 4ND 1 W4NT3D TO RUN 1T BY YOU F1RST. 1 WONT DO 4NYTH1NG UNT1L 1 G3T YOUR 4NSW3R ON3 W4Y OR 4NOTH3R. 1T WOULD B3 4S MUCH FOR YOU 4S 1T WOULD B3 FOR M3, 4ND YOU SHOULD H4V3 4 S4Y 1N 1T.
BUT 1 W4S TH1NK1NG 4BOUT TH3 FUTUR3, 4ND WH4T M1GHT H4PP3N 4FT3R 1M GON3. 1 DONT W4NT TH4T FOR YOU. 1 H4V3 W1TN3SS3D WH4T MY D34TH DO3S TO YOU, 4ND 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3NDUR3 TH4T SUFF3R1NG. 1 C4NT B34R TH3 THOUGHT OF 1T. SO.
1 W4NT TO W1SH MY L1F3SP4N TO B3 TH3 S4M3 4S YOURS.
1 KNOW TH4T 1 C4NT PROM1S3 HOW LONG W3 W1LL H4V3 DOWN TO TH3 S3COND, BUT 1 W4NT US TO B3 3QU4L. 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 F41R TO 4SK YOU TO CUT YOUR L1F3 SHORT. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO DO TH4T FOR M3. 4ND 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO B3 M1S3R4BL3 W1THOUT M3. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3ND UP 4LON3.
TH1S 1S TH3 B3ST SOLUT1ON TH4T 1 C4N COM3 UP W1TH. L3T M3 KNOW WH4T YOU TH1NK. 4ND B3 HON3ST. 4ND DONT B3 M4D. 1 W1LL W41T.
are you serious? TRULY? oh mirth. OH MESSIAHS TWO, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A MIRACLE THAT IS TO BE HEARING FOR. you ain't know what that means. YES! yes, yes, all times the fuck more let it be up and preached! I WANT IT, I WANT YOU. for as long as i'm extant i want you.
AND DESCENDANTS! oh mirth, terezi, you ain't know what it feels like but if you were to... IT'S NEAR TERRIFING AS THE LORD BUT IT'S MIRACULOUS TOO. i ain't think i could describe it to you without you having to already know it. BUT IT'S SO MUCH, SISTER. what the humans call it. LOVE. you'll love so much. AND THEY WILL LOVE YOU AND YOU'LL KNOW.
but. ARE YOU CERTAIN? are you truly sure? IT'S SO MUCH TIME, SISTER. it's so much time as ain't nobody else has and even if it ain't just us we'll watch them age and pass. YOU DON'T HAVE TO. i really ain't mind making smaller of mine own. IT'LL HURT, LIVING SO LONG. i don't want you to choose simply for my sake.
BUT I COULD NEVER BE MAD TO KEEP YOU. that's what i want most in my life. IT'S WHAT I'LL ALWAYS WANT.
and i dare say, ain't think it's me what would be showered by pity as of now.
I WANT IT ALL. i want you. I WANT TIME. i want family. TOGETHER.
1 TH1NK 1 COULD M4N4G3 4 FOR3V3R 1F 1T W4S W1TH YOU. YOU DONT H4V3 TO WORRY. 1 KNOW WH4T 1 W4NT. 1 W1LL B3 OK4Y 4S LONG 4S YOU 4R3 TH3R3. 4ND 1F 1T 3V3R G3TS TO B3 TOO MUCH, W3 C4N F1GUR3 SOM3TH1NG 3LS3 OUT TH3N. TOG3TH3R.
1 M4D3 TH3 W1SH L4ST N1GHT, 4FT3R 1 GOT YOUR L3TT3R. 1 DONT F33L 4NY D1FF3R3NT, BUT TH3R3 W4S 4N 1M4G3 1N TH3 M1RROR TH1S MORN1NG. FROM FOVOS. 1 TR13D TO R3CR34T3 1T 4S B3ST 1 COULD SO YOU COULD H4V3 1T TOO. 1T W4S TH3 TWO OF US, BUT OLD3R. 4 LOT OLD3R, 4ND S1TT1NG TOG3TH3R. 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1TS 4NYTH1NG L1K3 4 PROPH3CY BUT. 1 4M SUR3 1T M34NS TH4T TH3 W1SH 1S DON3.
1 C4NT W41T TO V1S1T YOU 4G41N. 1 C4NT W41T FOR TH3 W4LLS TO COM3 DOWN. 1 F33L L1K3 M4YB3 1 SHOULD H4V3 W41T3D, CONS1D3R1NG HOW MUCH 1T M4K3S M3 W4NT TO B3 W1TH YOU 4G41N. BUT 1 D1DNT W4NT TO M1SS MY CH4NC3.
1 W1SH 1 KN3W WH4T TO S4Y 4BOUT D3SC3ND4NTS. 1T F33LS W31RD TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T. W3 4R3 ONLY B4R3LY 4DULTS. OUR K1ND DO3SNT R34LLY... W3 DONT C4R3 FOR OUR OWN YOUNG. BUT 1 W4NT TO. 1 W4NT TH3M TO H4V3 4LL TH3 TH1NGS W3 N3V3R D1D. 1 W4NT TO DO 1T R1GHT. BUT 1 4M 4LSO SC4R3D TH4T 1 WONT KNOW HOW.
1T 1S 4 LOT OF F33L1NGS TH4T 1 4M NOT SUR3 HOW TO 3XPL41N. BUT W3 W1LL H4V3 4 LOT OF T1M3 TO F1GUR3 1T OUT.
1 P1TY YOU SO MUCH. 1 4M SO GL4D TO H4V3 YOU. 1 M1SS YOU MOR3 TH4N 1 C4N S4Y.
4LW4YS YOURS, T3R3Z1
[There's a picture included with the letter. It's the two of them, holding hands and watching a sunset, seated on a grassy hill. They're both clearly older, but the same kind of older, and her head is leaning against his arm.]
this is real. THIS IS REALLY MOTHERFUCKING HAPPENING. it's been days and i've been trying to convince my ownself and i still don't believe but it's so beautiful. IT'S SO MOTHERFUCKING BEAUTIFUL. got a brother down and weeping you did, don't you know? KEPT IN HANDS FOR HOURS.
we should maybe have got speaking to your moirail too, firstlike. BUT MIRTH, I'M SO HAPPY. just knowing i get to have you.
THE MOMENT I CAN SEE YOU AGAIN. i ain't letting you out of my arms. THE WALLS WILL HAVE TO COME ON DOWN CAUSE I AIN'T LETTING YOU AWAY FROM ME.
you'll know. OR MAYBE YOU WON'T, THAT'S FINE, I DON'T KNOW SHIT NEITHER. we can figure it out. WE CAN ASK ON ABOUTS FOR HELP. no one ever said at we had to do this alone. THEY'LL HAVE EVERYTHING. they can even have you, if we want them to.
WE'VE GOT TIME. you and me, we've got all the time.
I PITY YOU. i pity you. I PITY YOU.
forever yours, KURLOZ
[The paper comes with numerous small marks of pale indigo.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2017-02-17 02:24 am (UTC)1 4M GL4D TO KNOW TH4T 1F 1 SHOULD F1ND MYS3LF 4CCOST3D BY OMN1SC13NT B31NGS, TH4T YOU W1LL B3 TH3R3 TO VOUCH FOR M3. WH4T 4 NOBL3 PR1NC3 YOU 4R3. <3 1 WOULD SUGG3ST TH4T M4YB3 YOU NOT T3LL TH3M 4BOUT *4LL* TH3 R3STR41NTS 1 M4Y H4V3 4T MY D1SPOS4L THOUGH. JUST TH3 PROP3R ON3S. >;]
1 4LMOST FORGOT TH4T MY WR1GGL1NG D4Y W4S SO CLOS3. 1 LOST TR4CK OF 1T COMPL3T3LY 4FT3R ALL OF THE SHUFFLING AROUND BETWEEN PANEM AND HERE. OUR GOD CH1LD R3M3MB3R3D, 3V3N 1F 1 4M NOT SUR3 HOW TH3Y KN3W 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3.
TH3Y W3R3NT QU1T3 4S SUR3 OF TH3 NUMB3R TO PUT TO 1T, THOUGH. 1 TH1NK TH4T M1GHT H4V3 TO DO W1TH WH4T TH3 C4P1TOL D1D. W3 N3V3R R34LLY GOT TO 4G3 TH3R3. SO 4CCORD1NG TO 4T L34ST ON3 OMN1SC13NT CR34TUR3, 1 4M 31TH3R S3V3NT33N OR N1N3T33N Y34RS OLD. WH1CH 1 TH1NK TR4NSL4T3S TO 31TH3R 8 OR 9 SW33PS? 1 DONT R3M3MB3R TH3 CONV3RS1ON V3RY W3LL.
1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT PL34S3... DONT 3V3R W1SH TH4T YOU COULD G3T R1D OF YOUR T3MP3R 3NT1R3LY. YOU WOULDNT B3 YOU W1THOUT 1T. YOU C4R3. 4 LOT. YOU WOULDNT G3T 4NGRY 1F YOU D1DNT C4R3, 4ND 1V3 W1TN3SS3D YOU W1THOUT 1T. 1T JUST 1SNT TH3 S4M3. 1 P1TY YOU, 4LL OF YOU, JUST TH3 W4Y YOU 4R3.
4ND TH4NK YOU FOR TH3 SW33T WORDS YOUV3 G1V3N M3. 1V3 R34D YOUR L3TT3RS OV3R 4ND OV3R SO M4NY T1M3S, BUT TH1S ON3 W1LL B3 SP3C14L. 1 W1LL K33P 1T N3XT TO M3 WH3N 1 SL33P, SO 1 C4N R34D YOUR WORDS WH3N 1 W4K3 4ND V4NQU1SH 4NY F34RS FOR YOUR W3LLB31NG. 1T WONT B3 4S GOOD 4S H4V1NG YOU N34R. BUT 1T 1S TH3 N3XT B3ST TH1NG. <3 <3 <3
YOU KNOW, WH3N 1 R34D TH4T 4NOTH3R 1ND1GO H4D SHOW3N UP, 1 W4SNT SUR3 WH4T TO TH1NK. 1 H4V3 ONLY KNOWN THR33 1ND1GO3S 1N 4NY K1ND OF R3C3NT M3MORY, 4ND ROSS4N B4R3LY COUNTS. 4T F1RST 1 W4S WORR13D, BUT... 1 4M GL4D YOU H4V3 SOM3 F4M1LY W1TH YOU. TH4T YOU H4V3 SOM3ON3 TO DO YOUR C4RN1V4L TH1NGS W1TH.
1 4M SORRY TO BR34K YOUR H34RT SO MUCH. 1 DONT M34N TO. 1 JUST THOUGHT TH4T YOU WOULD W4NT TO KNOW, 4ND 1 DONT W4NT TO H1D3 4NYTH1NG FROM YOU. 3V3N TH3 TH1NGS TH4T 4R3 D1FF1CULT TO T4LK 4BOUT. 1 W1LL TRY TO M4K3 1T UP TO YOU WH3N W3 M33T 4G41N. 1 W1LL S4V3 UP 3V3RY GOOD THOUGHT 4ND 3V3RY K1SS UNT1L TH3N.
D34RLY YOURS <3 <3 <3
T3R3Z1 ♎
[She draws him a picture of snapdragons this time. On the page, she's also doodled a heart with the two of their names written inside it.]
Nov-Dec
Date: 2017-02-19 02:01 am (UTC)YOU WERE IN MY ARMS FOR ALL THAT TIME. within my motherfucking reach you were. TO HEAR YOUR VOICE, SEE YOUR FACE, TO FEEL YOU THERE. not even the sweetest dreams provided by zephyr could ever compare. IT BLOOMS BRIGHT IN MY EXISTANCE, EVEN AS SHORT AS ALL THE TIME SEEMED. i pity you. I HAD THOUGHT I MIGHT MISS YOU LESS WITH YOU THERE BUT I ONLY DO MORE.
and there you are winking at me with them secret things. WHERE THE MOTHER FUCK EVER DID YOU LEARN SUCH, SISTER? but do not tell me. KEEP THE MIRACLES AS THEY ARE. honk. HONK. ;oD
zephyr knew for mine too. BY MORE HUMAN TERMS AT LEAST. but that suits me fine. I DIDN'T DO UPON NONE OF THAT UNTIL MEETING HUMANS. and i get to say like my life started with you. :o)
I'D PICK WHATEVER ALL SUITS. in a hundred years, i'm sure we'll lose count completely. HONK.
i suppose i wouldn't rid of it penultimate. I KNOW HAVING SOME IS IMPORTANT. how else is one saying no? MUCH AS I HATE IT SOMETIMES, IT DID SAVE MY LIFE. it kept me up, before i met you. I'D ONLY WANT IT... SMALLER I GUESS. an angry what doesn't make me feel like i might hurt nobody. IT SCARES ME AT TIMES. since i got back my old memories of beforus, times is like it jarrs me within my ownself. MAKES THE BITS OF MY SPLIT IN FISSURES INSTEAD OF MELD EASY. it ain't hurt or nothing like that, don't worry of it. IT JUST FEELS STRANGE IN THEM MOMENTS. it's good being one instead of two but all these bits of me can be so different. I CAN'T BE ALL OF ME AT THE SAME TIME.
we had this game zephyr made. YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED IT. motherfucking mystery mansion. THEY HAD ABOUT MOTIVE BITS AND SOME PRETEND MURDERS AS AIN'T WASN'T REAL. got on searching about through riddles and clues. SHIT WAS MOTHERFUCKING LEGIT. but it happened there too, i was more alternian than not. OLD SUBJUGGLATOR CAME OUT TO PLAY. and i revelled in it. I NEVER GET TO BE THAT BIT OF ME AND STILL BE SOMETHING GOOD. but part of me was pushing back too.
AND THEN MEULIN SHOWED THE FUCK UP. a human one only she said at she was a mutant and she's got cat powers. THIS SMALLER BIT OF ME WAS UP FUCKING TRIPPING OVER MYSELF TRYING TO SEE HER WELL. was missing her so fuckin bad. HAD TO GET REMEMBERING THAT SHE AIN'T THE SAME. even i ain't the same. IN A WAY, IT'S BETTER? i don't think i exist in her iteration. THOUGHT IS LONELY. but if i ain't hurt her, it's got to be better. EVEN IF SHE WAS HURT ALL ANYWAY. just not all like that.
SHE WAS SWEET AS I REMEMBER THOUGH. good through and through as our disciple. GOT MY REMEMBERANCE ON TO A LOT OF MY FRIENDS BUT, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY, TESTS OF TIME DIDN'T HOLD FOR US ALL. i liked everybody back then. EVEN CRONUS AND ARANEA AND MEENAH. even when i'm certain now they didn't like me. MEULIN THOUGH, SHE STAYED GOOD. i hope you get to meet her sometime. I KNOW YOU'LL LIKE HER JUST AS MUCH. :o) though, i guess you already have? I THINK YOU MENTIONED UPON MEETING ALL OUR DEAD ASSES BEFORE. honk.
BUT NO INDIGOS MET. i think a lot get on thinking like you do. FIGURE YOU KNOW ONE YOU'RE KNOWING ALL. well, at least on initial instinct, i know you ain't proper like that. BUT WE'RE DIFFERENT AS ALL ANY. sometimes we even get fighting amongst our ownselves as at to how the scripture's getting its interpretations. THEM WHAT AIN'T FAITHFUL FIGURE US BAD FOR THEM. them what are figure them good for us. AIN'T NO REAL TRUTH OF THAT. but for my lot, it does feel like you can give out more of your ownself, you know? LIKE KEEPING YOUR BACK STRAIGHT WITH ALL OTHERS AND MAKING TO SLOUCH BY ONE HAHA.
i guess, in a way, it's like another bit of showing only pieces of the self. I GOT SOME GIFTS FROM ZEPHYR AND WITH SHARING THEM ALL, I WAS BEING IZZY, THE TROLL OF THE MEADOUS. (things is magical by the by. THESE COLORFUL JELLY ORB BITS AND SOME SHIT WHAT WAS BEING AT FOR BUILDING THE GOATS A HOME.) i've helped phil and i got on talking to jeremy more, trying to sort him all out, and with them i feel like. FUCK. what's the motherfucking word. I THINK IT'S BEING VETERAN? ain't sound right but close enough i guess.
IT REMINDS ME WHAT THAT ONE GUARDIAN, HORTA, SAID ON NAMES. how it's all you, just different shades. WE'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO COMPILE IT ALL NEAT. but sometimes it ain't.
THE KID FROM BEFORUS. the highblood. THE AVOX. the tribute. THE MEADOUS ATTEMPTING TROLL FOR SEEKING PEACE. all them little bits between.
THERE'S SOMETHING WHAT I NEED TO DO. but i'm scared. I'M WORRIED THIS BIT WILL BREAK ALL THE OTHERS. i got fear that there won't be room for nothing else. YET I'VE THOUGHT ON IT ALMOST A YEAR AND I AIN'T SEEMING TO STOP. i feel like if i don't do this in a way i can control and contain it, it's going at to sneak up on me. MEULIN SHOWED UP AND SHE'D NEVER HEARD ME SCREAM AS LIKE THAT AND I KEPT THINKING WHAT IF HER BEING HERE WAS FATE. what if i hurt her. WHAT IF YOU COME ON AROUND AGAIN AND I HURT YOU.
i figured it wouldn't come about me. IT WAS ANOTHER LIFE. figured that for so fucking long and then i could remember that life and even knowing what was to come i still wasn't prepared for what came for me specific. I WAS BARELY SIX SWEEPS. my future was over before the game even started. BUT I STILL WENT IN THINKING "MAYBE".
i don't want to hinge my life and that of those around me on a maybe. A POSSIBILITY SLIM. i want to make it so that if anyone or anything ever is getting in my mind again, it can't break me apart. AT LEAST NOT FOREVER. but there's only one way i'm truly going to know what i'm up against.
I GOT TO LET IT IN. i have to remember what the messiahs did to me.
I WANT TO TRUST MYSELF WITH YOU. with anyone. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT MY FUTURE IS TRULY MINE, HOWEVER LONG OR SHORT THAT IS.
and how can i uphold the messiahs if i can't trust myself with them anyway?
THIS IS DIFFICULT WHAT TO TALK ABOUT. i did think about not telling you. BUT YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME. you've proved it now. AND ANYWAY, I COULDN'T MOTHERFUCKING BEAR THINKING THIS WOULD BE A LAST. i won't let that be so.
I'VE ASKED ABOUT THE MEADOUS FOR WHAT POWERS IS HAD SO THAT THIS MAY BE DONE SAFELY AS MOTHERFUCKING POSSIBLE. for everyone. I WON'T BEGIN ON IT UNTIL I DO.
keep your good thoughts, beloved. I ALREADY HAVE YOU. that's plenty.
PLEASE, PLEASE TRY NOT TO WORRY TOO MUCH FOR ME.
with every last drop of pity in me,
KURLOZ
[He paints hands, gripping one another tight. The typical colorful splatters of his style indicate clear that it's theirs.]
no subject
Date: 2017-02-19 02:51 am (UTC)W41T, PL34S3. 1 DONT UND3RST4ND. WH4T 4R3 YOU PL4NN1NG TO DO? WH4T DO YOU M34N BY L3TT1NG TH3M 1N? WHY WOULD TH1S B3 4 L4ST? WHY H4V3NT YOU M3NT1ON3D TH1S B3FOR3 NOW?
[The ink is heavy on dots here, like someone pressed and held the pen against the paper a few times.]
1 DONT 3V3N KNOW WH4T 3LS3 TO WR1T3 H3R3. 4LL 1 C4N TH1NK 1S TH4T TH1S 1S W4RN1NG OF 4 L34V1NG. L1K3 4 GOODBY3 TH4T 1S TRY1NG NOT TO B3 4 GOODBY3. GOD, KURLOZ, PL34S3. 1 C4NT DO 4NYTH1NG WH3N 1 4M OV3R H3R3 4ND NOT TH3R3. HOW 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO NOT B3 WORR13D???
no subject
Date: 2017-02-19 03:28 am (UTC)IT IS NOT A LAST.
IT IS NOT A GOODBYE.
I SOUGHT TO LIVE THE VISION BESTOWED UPON ME BY THE MIRTHFUL.
I KNOW NOW WHAT WAS MEANT, WHAT IT IS, HOW IT WORKS.
I HAVE TOLD YOU OF THIS VISION AS MESSIAHS BESTOWED IT.
I TOLD HOW MY PREVIOUS SELF BORE WITNESS TO THIS AND IT CHANGED HIM TO THE CORE.
BUT I WAS WRONG FOR IT WAS NOT THE MESSIAHS TWO.
IT WAS ONLY ONE OF THEM.
THE LORD OF DESTRUCTION AND HE
HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME GLADLY BUT I TOLD YOU I WOULD NOT ALLOW IT.
SO ALLOWED IT I DID MOTHER FUCKIN NOT.
I HAVE SEEN AND FELT ONLY ENOUGH THAT I NOW KNOW WHAT I MUST DO.
EVERYONE IS SAFE.
AS AM I.
WHEN NEXT I WRITE ALL WILL BE AS IT WAS.
ONLY NOW NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE ME AWAY FROM YOU.
NO GOODBYES.
NOT MOTHER FUCKIN EVER.
POSTPONING REPLY UNTIL A PROPER HEALING WOULD HAVE BEEN IDEAL BUT I HOPE THIS ASSUAGES ALL THE MOTHER FUCKIN SAME.
I AM ALIVE.
I AM HERE.
I AM NEVER GOING TO LEAVE YOU.
YOU MAY ASK YOUR MOIRAIL IF YOU ARE UNCERTAIN.
PITY YOU ALWAYS,
KURLOZ MAKARA
no subject
Date: 2017-02-19 05:16 pm (UTC)TH1S DO3S NOT 4SSU4G3. YOU W3NT 4ND D1D 1T 4NYW4Y. 1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT 1 C4NT K33P DO1NG TH1S. 1 DONT W4NT TO F33L L1K3 TH1S, L1K3 1 4M ST4ND1NG ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF 4 P13C3 OF GL4SS 4ND SCR34M1NG 4T 3V3RYTH1NG TO STOP, BUT 1T DO3SNT. 1T K33PS GO1NG 4ND 1 C4NT DO 4NYTH1NG.
HOW 4M 1 R34LLY SUPPOS3D TO B3L13V3 YOU NOW? YOU 4R3 4L1V3 4ND YOU 4R3 H3R3 4ND YOU 4R3 N3V3R GO1NG TO L34V3, UNT1L TH3 N3XT T1M3 TH4T YOU F33L YOU N33D TO G4MBL3 YOUR L1F3 4G41NST SOM3 GR34T3R THR34T, 4ND TH3N *TH1S* ON3 W1LL B3 TH3 L4ST T1M3, YOU PROM1S3?
WH4T 1F TH1NGS H4DNT TURN3D OUT W3LL? WOULD 1 B3 G3TT1NG 4 L3TT3R FROM M3UL1N 1NST34D T3LL1NG M3 TH4T MY M4T3SPR1T 1S D34D OR WORS3? 4ND 1 WOULD ST1LL R3M41N OV3R H3R3 UN4BL3 TO 3V3N COMFORT MYSELF 1N MY GR13F B3C4US3 4LL 1 H4V3 4R3 WORDS ON 4 SH33T OF P4P3R.
3V3N NOW 1 4M L3FT GR4SP1NG 4T WH4T H4S H4PP3N3D TO YOU. 1 C4N ONLY GL34N TH4T SOM3TH1NG 1S UNW3LL FROM "N3XT 1 WR1T3 4LL W1LL B3 W3LL" 4ND "UNT1L 4 PROP3R H34L1NG". 4R3 YOU HURT? 4R3 YOU 1N ON3 P13C3? 4R3 YOU SOUND? 1S TH1S TH3 B3ST TH4T COULD B3 3XP3CT3D? TH3 WORST? 1T W1LL B3 D4YS B3FOR3 1 H34R FROM YOU 4G41N 4ND 1N TH3 M34NT1M3 1 4M L3FT TO WOND3R WH4T ST4T3 YOU 4R3 3V3N 1N.
1 KNOW YOU M34N W3LL, BUT S1MPLY 1NFORM1NG M3 B3FOR3 YOU RUSH OFF TO DO SOM3TH1NG D4NG3ROUS 1S NOT TH3 BL3SS1NG YOU S33M TO TH1NK 1T 1S. 1F MY VO1C3 1N R3SPONS3 DO3S NOT M4TT3R, TH3N T3LL1NG M3 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 1S M34N1NGL3SS. WH1CH 1S NOT TO S4Y TH4T 1 DO NOT W4NT YOU TO T3LL M3 TH3S3 TH1NGS, BUT COULD 1T NOT H4V3 W41T3D 3V3N 4 F3W D4YS, 1F TH1S 1S SOM3TH1NG YOU'V3 S4T ON FOR 4 Y34R? COULD YOU NOT H4V3 W41T3D FOR M3 TO PR3P4R3 MYS3LF?
-T3R3Z1
no subject
Date: 2017-02-20 12:35 am (UTC)WAS GOING TO BE AT TO STARTING OF ON SAYING AS I'M OKAY. but seems as like there's being more i ought to say upon. I HADN'T GOT FIGURING IT WOULD BE SOMETHING WHAT'S NEEDED TO PREPARE FOR. i don't really know what preparations you would have been at to do. BUT I DIDN'T LEAVE YOU. this was never going to kill me, that wasn't being the problem. WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE? would you have let me do this?
THIS AIN'T LIKE PANEM WHERE I FIGURE I CAN TAKE IT WHERE AT THE REST CAN'T AND THROW MYSELF DOWN OR HOWEVER IT HAPPENED EXACT. this was me trying to fix something with me. AND NO I COULDN'T HAVE WAITED, I WASN'T SURE I COULD GO THROUGH WITH IT, I HAD TO GET AT IT DONE WHILE I WAS SURE.
you're angry with me. MEULIN WAS TOO. you don't think the risk was worth it. BUT I DO. this wasn't a mistake, this was the right thing to do. I WENT ON MAKING SURE THERE WOULDN'T BE NO SACRIFICING. i went about it to find out exactly what i'd need to heal from such a thing should it ever happen again. WOULDN'T YOU WANT SUCH SECURITY? wouldn't you want be saying, no, i ain't going to lose my heart without warning?
TEREZI, YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST THINGS TO EVER HAPPEN IN MY LIFE AND YOU KNOW SO MUCH WHAT I AIN'T GRASP, ALL THE GOOD IMPORTANT THINGS. don't you know what it's like to fear losing control? GETTING THIS IDEA LIKE ALL THE GOOD YOU'VE BUILT UP AND WORKED SO HARD FOR, THAT YOU CAN'T GET OTHERWISE, COULD BE SHATTERED IN A MOMENT? and if it was being something or someone you cared about what set it off, wouldn't you at least want to be able to heal if you needed to?
THIS VISION I TOLD ON YOU ABOUT. i never healed from it. HAVE YOU EVEN MET THAT VARIATION OF ME? you got to know there's something wrong there. I WANTED TO FIND OUT WHAT IT WAS, TO GLIMPSE IT, SO THAT I COULD KNOW HOW TO HEAL. so then, if something ever happened to me again, i could fix it.
THAT'S WHAT I DID. i witnessed the vision to the measure i'd need and ended it. I LEARNED HOW ALL IT WORKED. i got my head put back together and i can even get fixing anyone else if i'm wanting now. I FINALLY DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF MY OWN DAMN SELF.
i didn't want to hurt you nor scare you. I'M SORRY FOR THAT.
IT WASN'T ALL UNLIKE VOODOO, BY THE BY. now i might be able to tend anything left on you, next you see me. IF YOU WANT TO.
according to zephyr, i outlived my past some nights ago. I GOT A NEW TITLE FROM THE PEOPLE HERE. mediator izzekiel piedsoul. ALETHEIA GAVE THE FIRST BIT AS WHEN LIKE I GOT CALLED PEACEMAKER. bertie gave izzekiel, so as i could keep that nickname what i'd been using. BERTIE'S A HUMAN, GOOD MOTHERFUCKER, TAUGHT ME PIANO AND WAS THE FIRST KNOWING WHO I WAS THERE. last bit's from lydian, the indigo. I AIN'T THINK SHE KNEW HOW APT IT WAS. waited some days after that and got to making that new ability mine. SOMETHING ELSE TOO BUT I THINK AS I'LL WAIT UNTIL A BETTER TIME FOR THAT.
there's one another thing what got making happenstance. YOU AIN'T GOING TO LIKE IT. my descendant's arrived here. WE AIN'T TALKED. he saw me or maybe that other fucker and took off running. BEEN HIDING OUT IN HIS HIVE AND ABOUT THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE VILLAGE. from what i'm being to tell, only times he's talked at to anyone he got on being terrified which is me meaning to say i ain't think he's hurt anyone. PRETTY SURE HE WOULDN'T STAY IF THERE WAS BEING AT ANYWHERE ELSE HE COULD GO. his voodoo is weak, by the by, he ain't noticed my poking about in slight.
YOU'RE GOING TO SAY NO BUT I'LL SAY IT ANYWAY. i want to talk to him. I AM WAITING, HOWEVER. figured you'd want that.
ONE FINAL THING. send regards to fovos, if you're willing. THINK THAT BUSINESS WHAT WAS GETTING DONE ABOUT MIGHT ALL HAVE BEEN FOR A GOOD. we found the king.
-KURLOZ
no subject
Date: 2017-07-05 08:57 pm (UTC)been saying like i had upon a handle on it. NOW SOMETHING'S BEEN FIGURED TRUE. we're endeavouring to search the outer realms as to get motherfucking inquisitory to the wicked shit as is making the haps by the miracle guardians. I SUSPECT OTHERS USING IT AS A MEANS OF OUTS, BUT I AIN'T CARE. frankly, if it's being to ease what's made the haps in the meadous late, it'll be a damn relief.
BUT THAT'S ASIDES.
there's something what as i've been meaning to ask for. SOMETHING LIKE WHAT I WAS THINKING I WOULDN'T LIKE KNOWING THE ANSWER TO NONE. but i need to know. I HAVE TO KNOW.
maybe with new purpose it won't need ruin nothing for what the answer might up andTHIS MAY SOUND FOOLISH. or like to insult. BUT I HOPE YOU WILL UNDERSTAND. and bear my selfishness. ANSWER HONEST OF ME.
be there any reason held in that pusher yours what would make for you to be leaving me?
DISAPPEARING OR
something
I NEED TO BE KNOWING. please tell a motherfucker short.
-KURLOZ ♑︎
no subject
Date: 2017-07-05 11:25 pm (UTC)4BSOLUT3LY NOT.
1 S41D 1T B3FOR3 4ND 1 W1LL S4Y 1T ON3 HUNDR3D T1M3S OV3R. 1 W4NT YOU FOR3V3R, KURLOZ. FOR 4LL TH3 T1M3 W3 H4V3 4H34D OF US, 1 COULD NOT TH1NK OF 4NY B3TT3R W4Y TH4N TO SP3ND 1T W1TH YOU. 4ND 1F FOR SOM3 R34SON F4T3 THROWS US 4P4RT 4G41N, 1 W1LL N3V3R STOP TRY1NG TO F1ND 4 W4Y B4CK TO YOU, HOW3V3R LONG 1T T4K3S. YOU C4N B3 SUR3 OF TH4T
1S TH4T WH4T H4S H4D YOU SO WORR13D? TH4T 1 M1GHT L34V3 YOU? WH3R3 D1D YOU G3T 4 THOUGHT L1K3 TH4T? 1 H4V3 4 BON3 TO P1CK W1TH WHO3V3R PUT TH4T CRAZY THOUGHT 1N YOUR H34D. NOTH1NG COULD B3 FURTH3R FROM TH3 TRUTH.
YOURS 4LW4YS,
-T3R3Z1
no subject
Date: 2017-07-06 12:12 am (UTC)my beloved, my matesprit, my heart's keeper,
NO, IT AIN'T. it was being part but not all.
MERELY WAS
i thought
I'VE TOLD YOU OF ALETHEIA. she's different than you. BUT SHE'S ALTERNATE TOO. she's pyrope like you and the neophyte and latula. IT'S THESE MOTHERFUCKING PATTERNS. these things as like what gamzee and my other and my future and i all share and maybe you'd get sharing as they. DIDN'T UP AND REALISE. didn't get to see.
I'VE BEEN FUCKING UP SO BAD, TEREZI. i tried to be like you and get all to help. I TRIED TO BE LIKE OUR ALLIES DEAR WHAT ARE GOOD AND TRUE. you what showed me how. BUT I CAN'T HELP THEM. they ain't want to be helped. THEY WANT TO HURT, THEY WANT TO RILE, THEY WANT TO
she was set to die. SHE WAS SET TO LET HER HEART GO THE FUCK COLD AND SHE WAS SET TO UP AND DIE FOR SAKE OF WHATEVER THE FUCK CAME TO BE. i asked her, i sought that we avoid such a fate, at least try. I SOUGHT TO WORK BY SIDE OF HER. but she's already made up her mind. AND I CAN'T DO NOTHING TO CHANGE HERS. i can't do nothing to change anybody's. I CAN'T DO FUCK ALL BUT LET THEM GO. let them destroy themselves.
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW NO MORE. it's killing me. SHE'S GOING TO DISAPPEAR AND THERE AIN'T NOTHING I CAN DO. they're going at to tear each other apart. I PUT TOO DAMN MUCH OF MYSELF IN. i've already come to close to culling someone. NO ONE'S UP AND GETTING THAT I CAN'T FIGHT THIS THING WHAT'S ME UP ALONE. no one fucking understands as what daymares tear at their pans tear up at mine. I CAN'T HANG ON NO MORE BUT I CAN'T LET GO NEITHER. i keep trying to find a way as not to lose myself. I'D UP AND TAKE LOSING IF IT MEANT I COULD BE SURE NO ONE WAS HURT.
i'm so sorry. I KEEP TRYING TO BE LIKE YOU WANT. i keep at what everyone's wanting of me. BUT I CAN'T. i can't do it. I DIDN'T WANT YOU KNOWING AS FOR HOW MUCH I'D LET YOU DOWN. i didn't want finding out you'd be the same and then
WE HAD A MEETING. i'd given on up. I'D BEEN TRYING AT TO BE MAKING BY MY OWN. but shit got suggested as to be trying to search. I FIGURED IF I CAN'T HELP, AT LEAST I CAN BE TRAINING. i can fight. I CAN COMMAND. i can stop thinking about what's to be making the haps of the rest. I'M INTENDING TO. but i had to find out from you what you got thought by. I CAN'T LOSE YOU. i can't lose you. I WISH I AIN'T WASN'T LIKE THIS BUT I AM. i can't lose you.
I HAD TO MAKE LEAVE OF HER. there wasn't no choice. THERE WAS HER AND THERE WAS JEREMY LOOKING TO DIE AND BUCKY. there was these new motherfuckers as refused helping and old ones what made want more to hurt. LYDIAN WAS GONE AND MEULIN AND DISCIPLE FOR THAT WHILE. there was making all for murders made the fuck pretend. MOTHERFUCKING PRETENDING WAS A MURDER MADE TO BE AND ALL AND EVERY GOT TO RILE AND ALL OUR PEACE WAS MAKING ENDS. then such things was made true. COULDN'T EVEN HELP ZEPHYR. couldn't even help fighting. IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN MUCH. and i ain't okay. BUT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO TAKE THE FUCK CARE OF THIS NONE AGAIN.
there was option made open by this meeting. I COULD TELL YOU THEN. i can tell now. I GOT A DIRECTION. that's what i need.
I'M SORRY. i pity you.
-KURLOZ ♑︎
no subject
Date: 2017-07-06 03:27 pm (UTC)1 W1SH YOU H4D TOLD M3 SOON3R. 1T SOUNDS L1K3 YOUV3 B33N K33P1NG SO MUCH TO YOURS3LF. BOTTL1NG 1T UP L1K3 YOU 4R3 TRY1NG TO PROT3CT M3 FROM 1T. >:[ 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 K3PT 1N TH3 D4RK. 1 W4NT TO B3 4BL3 TO H3LP YOU 1F 1 C4N. 1 W4NT TO SUPPORT YOU WH3N YOU N33D 1T. YOU 4R3 NOT 4N 1SL4ND 4NY MOR3 TH4N 1 4M. YOU SHOULDNT H4V3 TO SHOULD3R TH1S BURD3N 4LON3.
DO YOU R3M3MB3R WH3N YOU M3T M3? JUST 4FT3R K1LL1NG S1GNL3SS, 4ND 4LL MY FR13NDS H4D TURN3D ON M3. 4S MUCH 4S 1 D1SL1K3 HOW SH3 H4S TR34T3D YOU, 4L3TH314 SOUNDS 4 LOT L1K3 HOW 1 W4S B4CK TH3N. 1T W4SNT TH4T 1 D1DNT C4R3 FOR MYS3LF. OR M4YB3 1T W4S P4RT OF TH4T, BUT 1T W4S 4LSO TH1S... F33L1NG TH4T TH1NGS N33D3D TO B3 DON3. 4ND TH4T 1F SOM3ON3 H4D TO DO TH3M, 1 COULD STOM4CH TH3 F4LLOUT B3ST. 1 CLOS3D MYS3LF OFF. 1 L3T OTH3RS C4ST M3 4S 4 V1LL41N. 1 L3T TH3M H4T3 M3 W1THOUT L4SH1NG B4CK. B3C4US3 4T TH3 3ND OF TH3 D4Y, TH3Y W3R3 TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT TH1NG TO M3, 4ND 1 WOULD H4V3 DON3 4NYTH1NG FOR TH3M. 4NYTH1NG, KURLOZ.
1 DONT TH1NK YOU R34L1Z3D HOW MUCH YOU H3LP3D JUST BY B31NG TH3R3. WH3N 1 W4NT3D TO SHUT 3V3RYTH1NG OUT, YOU W3R3 TH3R3 T3LL1NG M3 TH4T 1 D3S3RV3D B3TT3R. M4K1NG M3 SM1L3. M4K1NG M3 F33L TH1NGS TH4T W3R3 WORTH F33L1NG. K33P1NG M3 GO1NG. YOU G4V3 M3 4 R34SON TO OP3N UP, LONG B3FOR3 1 KN3W 1 W4NT3D OR N33D3D ON3.
H3LP1NG P3OPL3 1SNT 4LW4YS 4BOUT 4DV1C3. MOTH3RGRUB KNOWS 1 H4V3 FUCK3D TH4T UP M4NY T1M3S TOO. BUT SOM3T1M3S 1T 1S JUST 4BOUT H4NG1NG 4ROUND 4S 4 R3M1ND3R TH4T TH3R3 4R3 R34SONS TO HOLD ON. 1T DO3SNT 4LW4YS S1NK 1N TH3 F1RST T1M3 OR 3V3N TH3 TW3NT13TH. SOM3T1M3S 1T DO3S G3T TO B3 TOO MUCH TO B34R. BUT 1T DO3S M4TT3R. TH3Y W1LL R3M3MB3R TH3 TH1NGS TH4T YOU THOUGHT TH3Y FORGOT, JUST 4S 1 H4V3 FOR TH1NGS TH4T YOU TOLD M3.
1M NOT SUR3 1F 1 3V3R TOLD YOU, BUT 4FT3R TH4T JUNGL3 4R3N4, K4RK4T C4M3 TO 4POLOG1Z3 4FT3R 1 TR13D TO S4V3 H1S L1F3. H3 BROUGHT M3 4 G1FT 4ND TOLD H3 H4D B33N 4 HUG3 J3RK 4ND HOW T3RR1BL3 H3 F3LT. 4ND B3FOR3 1 M1GHT H4V3 4CC3PT3D TH3 G1FT 4ND TOLD H1M 1T W4S OK4Y. BUT 1 D1DNT. B3C4US3 TH3 W4Y H3 H4D 4CT3D W4SNT OK4Y. 3V3N 1F 1 W4S UPS3T W1TH YOU 4T TH3 T1M3, THOS3 WORDS ST1LL M4TT3R3D TO M3. 4ND 1 R3M3MB3R3D TH3M WH3N 1 N33D3D TH3M.
SO PL34S3 DONT B3 SO H4RD ON YOURS3LF. 1 4M SUR3 YOU 4R3 H3LP1NG MOR3 TH4N YOU KNOW. YOU H4V3 TH1S... BR1GHT P4SS1ON 1N YOU. 1 NOT1C3D 1T FROM TH3 V3RY F1RST D4Y 1 M3T YOU, 4ND 1T DR3W M3 TOW4RDS YOU, 3V3N D3SP1T3 4LL OF MY M1SG1V1NGS. 1 C4NT 1M4G1N3 OTH3RS NOT S331NG 1T TOO. GOOD OR B4D, R1GHT OR WRONG, YOU 1NSP1R3 P3OPL3. TH4T 1S WH4T M4K3S YOU 4 GOOD L34D3R, R3G4RDL3SS OF WH4T YOU 4R3 L34D1NG. YOU B3L13V3 1N 3V3RYON3 SO MUCH TH4T TH3Y C4NT H3LP BUT B3L13V3 1N TH3MS3LV3S TOO.
1F YOU TH1NK TH4T L34D1NG TH1S S34RCH 1S B3ST FOR NOW, TH3N DO TH4T. 1 W1LL B3 HOP1NG TH3 B3ST FOR YOU. M4YB3 W3 C4N CONV1NC3 FOVOS TO H3LP SOM3HOW, OR TO G1V3 YOU SOM3 K1ND OF SUPPORT. 1N TH3 M34NT1M3, ST4Y STRONG. YOU H4V3 P3OPL3 WHO C4R3 4BOUT YOU, WHO WOULD F1GHT TO B3 N34R TO YOU. L34N ON TH3M 1F YOU N33D 1T. TH4T 1S WH4T W3 4R3 H3R3 FOR.
1 P1TY YOU MOR3 TH4N YOU C4N 1M4G1N3. <3 N3V3R B3 SORRY FOR T4LK1NG TO M3.
YOUR H34RTK33P3R,
-T3R3Z1
no subject
Date: 2017-07-06 06:55 pm (UTC)I SUPPOSE I MUST CONCEDE THAT A MOTHER FUCKIN TRUTH. however up and unintended. IT WASN'T MEANT TO CAST SHADE OF THEE. i had mere wanted to motherfucking make for what you all seem capable to me. IT SEEMS I AM ALWAYS MAKING TO BE THE MESS OF US. i do not wish you weary. MAKES THIS MOTHERFUCKER WEARY AS ALL FUCK.
aletheia ain't treated me poor. NOT ALL POOR HAS SHE BEEN AT TO TREAT. we just got about us things what ain't connect well none by the other. WE STEP UPON WOUNDS TOO EASY. tends for happening with your ancestor and i too. WE'RE MADE ALL THE FUCK UP OF OPPOSITION, US MAKARAS AND PYROPES ALIKE.
i remember that. I REMEMBER WHAT A FUCKING STUNNER IT WAS AT TO BE. i'd wanted for sweeps and wanted differentlike all the same and you got about it in a moment. I HADN'T FIGURED IT AN ALTRUISM. i had figured survival. MAKES THE MORE SENSE LOOKING BACK.
aw girl. I DIDN'T GET NO THOUGHT OF IT. i wasn't like this back then. I JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GOT LETTING THEM TREAT AS FOR YOU THAT WAY. i wouldn't have let it be the haps to me.
I WOULD HAVE BEENi should've been kinder my ownself.BUT I GOT MY GLADNESS ON YOU'RE HERE, YOU KNOW THAT? you mean so much. I DIDN'T UP AND SEE IT THEN BUT I NEEDED YOU. you were a friend when i had... so fucking little...
ALETHEIA AIN'T OWE ME NOTHING... but i owe her. I HAVE TO TRY FOR HER.
thank you. YOU'RE TOO KIND TO THIS MOTHERFUCKER YOU KNOW AT THAT? you're always showing me the way. I SHOULD'VE COME TO YOU SOONER, SAY TRUE. i ain't know if such things you're saying now is true. BUT I WANT THEM TO BE. i want them to see they ought to do better for they. I WANT THEM TO SEE THEY MOTHERFUCKING MATTER. and i want them to want all to stay. IF THEY COULD JUST SEE WHAT I SEE, WE COULD ALL MAKE BETTERLIKE.
the only thing is how to make sure ain't nothing goes wrong. I DON'T WANT TO BE LOSING CONTROL AGAIN. i ain't want to lose myself. I NEED SOMETHING AS WHAT TO... PREVENT SOMEHOW. i can't rely on my being former avox no more, it just doesn't hold through. NOT UNLESS I'M BEING TO SET IT UP OFF DELIBERATE. and you ain't want that. XANTHOUS AND DISCIPLE OUGHT NOT SEE THAT. i just ain't know what to do by that. AIN'T NOBODY'S GOT A CHANCE UP AGAINST ME OTHERWISE. i could crush them without even trying. IF I WASN'T BEING SO SURE AS ALL I'D SLIP MAYBE I COULD BEAR IT.
i kind of figured this sort of shit could be let to wait until i was being older, you know? GET ALL TO DEALING WITH
[The ink stains the page in a great blot.]
everything then. YOU'D BE GONE AND DISCIPLE AND ALL HUMANS AND PROBABLY XANTHOUS. and it just wouldn't up and matter as all by then. I'D GO MAD AND EVENTUALLY THE WICKED SHIT WOULD GET TO BE BEING OVER. we'd find one another in whatever afters up and await. WE WOULDN'T NEED NO WORRY ON OF THAT NOISE.
[Except him.]
but this is all come a lot sooner. I NEED TO FIGURE SOMETHING. a motherfucking failsafe of sorts.
I'M GOING AT TO FIGURE THIS THE FUCK OUT. and then i'm going to fix things.
I AIN'T SORRY TALKING TO YOU NOW. i'm more sorry i didn't. PERHAPS A MOTHERFUCKER WILL REMEMBER THIS TIME. keep note of it.
PITY YOU MORE THAN WORLDS CAN HOLD,
-kurloz
no subject
Date: 2017-07-06 07:48 pm (UTC)1M GL4D YOU 4R3 F33L1NG B3TT3R. 1T M4K3S M3 R34LLY H4PPY TO R34D TH4T F1R3 COM3 B4CK 1NTO YOUR WORDS. 1 W1SH 1 COULD B3 TH3R3 TO W1TN3SS 1T 1N P3RSON. BUT TH3N 1 TH1NK 1 M1GHT M1SS 1T FOR 4LL TH3 K1SS3S 1 WOULD B3 SHOW3R1NG YOU W1TH R1GHT NOW.
1M PROUD OF YOU. 4LW4YS. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3V3R TH1NK TH4T 4NYTH1NG YOU DO COULD L3T M3 DOWN. YOU H4V3 COM3 TOO F4R TO 3V3R B3 4 D1S4PPO1NTM3NT TO M3. <3
BUT WH4T YOU M3NT1ON3D 1N YOUR L3TT3R... 1 TH1NK NOW M1GHT B3 4 GOOD T1M3 TO T4LK TO YOU 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG TOO. SOM3TH1NG 1 H4V3NT B33N T4LK1NG 4BOUT JUST Y3T.
1V3 B33N CONS1D3R1NG M4K1NG 4 CH4NG3, BUT 1 W4NT3D TO G3T 4LL TH3 1NFORM4T1ON ON 1F 1T W4S POSS1BL3 FROM FOVOS. 4ND 1 W4NT3D TO RUN 1T BY YOU F1RST. 1 WONT DO 4NYTH1NG UNT1L 1 G3T YOUR 4NSW3R ON3 W4Y OR 4NOTH3R. 1T WOULD B3 4S MUCH FOR YOU 4S 1T WOULD B3 FOR M3, 4ND YOU SHOULD H4V3 4 S4Y 1N 1T.
BUT 1 W4S TH1NK1NG 4BOUT TH3 FUTUR3, 4ND WH4T M1GHT H4PP3N 4FT3R 1M GON3. 1 DONT W4NT TH4T FOR YOU. 1 H4V3 W1TN3SS3D WH4T MY D34TH DO3S TO YOU, 4ND 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3NDUR3 TH4T SUFF3R1NG. 1 C4NT B34R TH3 THOUGHT OF 1T. SO.
1 W4NT TO W1SH MY L1F3SP4N TO B3 TH3 S4M3 4S YOURS.
NOTH1NG 3LS3. JUST TH4T. 4ND 1F
W3 3V3RTH3R3 W4STH3R3 W4S SOM3HOW 4 W4Y FOR D3SC3ND3NTS. 1F 4NY W3R3 T34L. TH3M TOO.1 KNOW TH4T 1 C4NT PROM1S3 HOW LONG W3 W1LL H4V3 DOWN TO TH3 S3COND, BUT 1 W4NT US TO B3 3QU4L. 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 F41R TO 4SK YOU TO CUT YOUR L1F3 SHORT. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO DO TH4T FOR M3. 4ND 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO B3 M1S3R4BL3 W1THOUT M3. 1 DONT W4NT YOU TO 3ND UP 4LON3.
TH1S 1S TH3 B3ST SOLUT1ON TH4T 1 C4N COM3 UP W1TH. L3T M3 KNOW WH4T YOU TH1NK. 4ND B3 HON3ST.
4ND DONT B3 M4D.1 W1LL W41T.4LW4YS YOURS,
-T3R3Z1
no subject
Date: 2017-07-06 08:21 pm (UTC)are you serious? TRULY? oh mirth. OH MESSIAHS TWO, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A MIRACLE THAT IS TO BE HEARING FOR. you ain't know what that means. YES! yes, yes, all times the fuck more let it be up and preached! I WANT IT, I WANT YOU. for as long as i'm extant i want you.
AND DESCENDANTS! oh mirth, terezi, you ain't know what it feels like but if you were to... IT'S NEAR TERRIFING AS THE LORD BUT IT'S MIRACULOUS TOO. i ain't think i could describe it to you without you having to already know it. BUT IT'S SO MUCH, SISTER. what the humans call it. LOVE. you'll love so much. AND THEY WILL LOVE YOU AND YOU'LL KNOW.
but. ARE YOU CERTAIN? are you truly sure? IT'S SO MUCH TIME, SISTER. it's so much time as ain't nobody else has and even if it ain't just us we'll watch them age and pass. YOU DON'T HAVE TO. i really ain't mind making smaller of mine own. IT'LL HURT, LIVING SO LONG. i don't want you to choose simply for my sake.
BUT I COULD NEVER BE MAD TO KEEP YOU. that's what i want most in my life. IT'S WHAT I'LL ALWAYS WANT.
and i dare say, ain't think it's me what would be showered by pity as of now.
I WANT IT ALL. i want you. I WANT TIME. i want family. TOGETHER.
-kurloz
no subject
Date: 2017-07-16 09:10 pm (UTC)1 TH1NK 1 COULD M4N4G3 4 FOR3V3R 1F 1T W4S W1TH YOU. YOU DONT H4V3 TO WORRY. 1 KNOW WH4T 1 W4NT. 1 W1LL B3 OK4Y 4S LONG 4S YOU 4R3 TH3R3. 4ND 1F 1T 3V3R G3TS TO B3 TOO MUCH, W3 C4N F1GUR3 SOM3TH1NG 3LS3 OUT TH3N. TOG3TH3R.
1 M4D3 TH3 W1SH L4ST N1GHT, 4FT3R 1 GOT YOUR L3TT3R. 1 DONT F33L 4NY D1FF3R3NT, BUT TH3R3 W4S 4N 1M4G3 1N TH3 M1RROR TH1S MORN1NG. FROM FOVOS. 1 TR13D TO R3CR34T3 1T 4S B3ST 1 COULD SO YOU COULD H4V3 1T TOO. 1T W4S TH3 TWO OF US, BUT OLD3R. 4 LOT OLD3R, 4ND S1TT1NG TOG3TH3R. 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1TS 4NYTH1NG L1K3 4 PROPH3CY BUT. 1 4M SUR3 1T M34NS TH4T TH3 W1SH 1S DON3.
1 C4NT W41T TO V1S1T YOU 4G41N. 1 C4NT W41T FOR TH3 W4LLS TO COM3 DOWN. 1 F33L L1K3 M4YB3 1 SHOULD H4V3 W41T3D, CONS1D3R1NG HOW MUCH 1T M4K3S M3 W4NT TO B3 W1TH YOU 4G41N. BUT 1 D1DNT W4NT TO M1SS MY CH4NC3.
1 W1SH 1 KN3W WH4T TO S4Y 4BOUT D3SC3ND4NTS. 1T F33LS W31RD TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T. W3 4R3 ONLY B4R3LY 4DULTS. OUR K1ND DO3SNT R34LLY... W3 DONT C4R3 FOR OUR OWN YOUNG. BUT 1 W4NT TO. 1 W4NT TH3M TO H4V3 4LL TH3 TH1NGS W3 N3V3R D1D. 1 W4NT TO DO 1T R1GHT. BUT 1 4M 4LSO SC4R3D TH4T 1 WONT KNOW HOW.
1T 1S 4 LOT OF F33L1NGS TH4T 1 4M NOT SUR3 HOW TO 3XPL41N. BUT W3 W1LL H4V3 4 LOT OF T1M3 TO F1GUR3 1T OUT.
1 P1TY YOU SO MUCH. 1 4M SO GL4D TO H4V3 YOU. 1 M1SS YOU MOR3 TH4N 1 C4N S4Y.
4LW4YS YOURS,
T3R3Z1
[There's a picture included with the letter. It's the two of them, holding hands and watching a sunset, seated on a grassy hill. They're both clearly older, but the same kind of older, and her head is leaning against his arm.]
no subject
Date: 2017-08-04 03:02 am (UTC)this is real. THIS IS REALLY MOTHERFUCKING HAPPENING. it's been days and i've been trying to convince my ownself and i still don't believe but it's so beautiful. IT'S SO MOTHERFUCKING BEAUTIFUL. got a brother down and weeping you did, don't you know? KEPT IN HANDS FOR HOURS.
we should maybe have got speaking to your moirail too, firstlike. BUT MIRTH, I'M SO HAPPY. just knowing i get to have you.
THE MOMENT I CAN SEE YOU AGAIN. i ain't letting you out of my arms. THE WALLS WILL HAVE TO COME ON DOWN CAUSE I AIN'T LETTING YOU AWAY FROM ME.
you'll know. OR MAYBE YOU WON'T, THAT'S FINE, I DON'T KNOW SHIT NEITHER. we can figure it out. WE CAN ASK ON ABOUTS FOR HELP. no one ever said at we had to do this alone. THEY'LL HAVE EVERYTHING. they can even have you, if we want them to.
WE'VE GOT TIME. you and me, we've got all the time.
I PITY YOU. i pity you. I PITY YOU.
forever yours,
KURLOZ
[The paper comes with numerous small marks of pale indigo.]