1 M1SS YOU TOO! 1T 1S SO GOOD TO H34R FROM YOU <> <> <>
1 4M SORRY TH4T YOUR3 SO LON3LY. 1 M1SS YOU TOO. WHOS3 H41R 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO BR41D 1F YOU 4R3 SO F4R 4W4Y? 4ND 1 GU3SS 1 C4NT DO TH4T P1L1NG TH1NG 31TH3R..... BUT S3R1OUSLY 1 UND3RST4ND. 1F TH3S3 W4LLS W3R3 DOWN YOU WOULDNT B3 4BL3 TO G3T R1D OF M3. 1 WOULD G1V3 YOU 4 W33K B3FOR3 YOU W3R3 SO S1CK OF M3 B31NG 4ROUND. <>
1T SUCKS BUT W3 H4V3 TO M4K3 TH3 B3ST OF WH4T W3 H4V3. YOU W1LL F1ND SOM3ON3 3LS3. 1T S33MS L1K3 TH3R3 4R3 4 LOT OF WORLDS OUT TH3R3 L1K3 TH3S3 ON3S. TH3R3 1S NO T3LL1NG WHO OR WH4T W3 M1GHT F1ND OUT TH3R3. BUT NO M4TT3R WH4T 1 W1LL B3 H3R3 FOR YOU. 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO LOS3 YOU 4G41N. 1M4G1N3 TH4T 1 SQU33Z3D YOUR H4ND TH3R3. 1M4G1N3 4LSO TH4T 1 THOUGHT 4BOUT S4Y1NG SOM3TH1NG R34LLY CORNY TH3R3. BUT TH1S 1S NOT 4 ROMCOM 4ND 1 D3C1D3D NOT TO S4Y 1T B3C4US3 TH3N YOU WOULD L4UGH 4T HOW DR4M4T1C 1 W4S B31NG.
TH1NGS H4V3 B33N MUCH TH3 S4M3 H3R3 TOO. 1 4M ST4RT1NG TO L1K3 OUR GODL1NG MOR3. BUT 1 W1SH TH3Y WOULD STOP 4PP34R1NG 4S TH1NGS TH4T 1 DO NOT L1K3 SOM3T1M3S. TH3Y S33M TO H4V3 4 TH1NG FOR SHOW1NG UP 4S TH1NGS TH4T W3 4R3 4FR41D OF. WH1CH G1V3S TH3 R34CT1ON TH4T YOU WOULD 3XP3CT FROM M33T1NG 4 TH1NG TH4T YOU 4R3 4FR41D OF.
SP34K1NG OF TH1NGS TH4T SC4RD M3... 1 D1DNT M3NT1ON B3FOR3 BUT 1 R4N 1NTO G4MZ33 1N TH3 M34DOUS. OUT OF 4LL TH3 TH1NGS TH4T 1 H4V3 S33N 1N TH4T FOR3ST H1S F4C3 SHOWS UP TH3 MOST. 1 C4NT S33M TO G3T 4 HOLD OF TH4T P4RT1CUL4R F34R. 1T F33LS SO WR4PP3D UP 1N SO M4NY OTH3R TH1NGS. H3 D1D 4 LOT OF 4WFUL TH1NGS 1N MY T1M3. 1NCLUD1NG MURD3R1NG 4T L34ST TWO OF MY FR13NDS. BUT H3 DO3SNT S33M TO R3M3MB3R TH4T. 1 COULDNT T3LL 1F H3 W4S F4K1NG 1T OR NOT. 1 DONT L1K3 F33L1NG SO OFF B4L4NC3 W1TH SOM3ON3.
1 N3V3R KNOW HOW 1 4M SUPPOS3D TO F33L W1TH H1M. DO 1 H4T3 H1M? DO 1 *H4T3* H4T3 H1M? 4M 1 SC4R3D OF H1M? 1 KNOW TH3 L4ST ON3 MUST B3 TRU3 OR H3 WOULDNT SHOW UP SO OFT3N FOR M3. BUT 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 4FR41D OF H1M FOR3V3R. 1 4M JUST NOT SUR3 Y3T WH4T 1 W4NT TO R3PL4C3 TH4T W1TH.
SP34K1NG OF H4T3 H4T1NG... 1 4LSO D1D NOT M3NT1ON TH1S B3FOR3 BUT TH3R3 1S 4 TROLL WHO DO3S NOT S33M TO UND3RST4ND NO H3R3. 1 4M PR3TTY SUR3 H3 H4S H1T ON 3V3RY L1V1NG CR34TUR3 1N TH3 CIRCUS 4ND M4YB3 4LSO SOM3 NONL1V1NG ON3S. 1N V4R1OUS QU4DR4NTS. 1T 1S 4LMOST P1T14BL3 3XC3PT TH3 THOUGHT OF TH4T M4K3S M3 THROW UP 1N MY MOUTH 4 L1TTL3. H3 TR13D TO M4K3 4 P4SS 4T M3 TOO. 1 PUNCH3D H1M SQU4R3 1N TH3 MOUTH BUT 1 TH1NK TH4T ONLY 3NCOUR4G3D H1M. SO F4R 1 H4V3 K3PT H1M 4T B4Y BY 1NFORM1NG H1M TH4T 1 4M D4T1NG TH3 GR4ND H1GHBLOOD. TH4T N4M3 S33M3D TO SC4R3 H1M OFF BUT W3 W1LL S33 HOW LONG TH4T L4STS. 1 M1GHT N33D TO T4K3 MOR3 DR4ST1C M34SUR3S TO 3NSUR3 TH4T H3 K33PS H1S H4NDS TO H1MS3LF. 3V3N 1F 1 H4V3 TO R3TURN TH3M TO H1M 1N 4 J4R. >:]
1 SHOULD PROB4BLY WR4P TH1S UP S1NC3 1T 1S G3TT1NG LONG. TH4NK YOU FOR TH3 H34DS UP 4BOUT KURLOZ! 1 W1LL H4V3 TO P3ST3R H1M 4BOUT TH3S3 MYST3R1OUS CH4NG3S... 4ND M4YB3 4LSO NOT GROW1NG SO MUCH. 1 DO NOT TH1NK 1 4M 1N D4NG3R OF OV3RSH4DOW1NG YOU Y3T. NO WORR13S. >;P
T4K3 C4R3. K33P M3 UPD4T3D ON 4NY CH4NG3S!!! 1 4M R34LLY GL4D W3 G3T TO S3ND TH3S3 L3TT3RS NOW. 1 W4NT3D TO S3ND YOU SOM3 COTTON C4NDY BUT 1T W4S R34LLY ST1CKY 4ND TH4T S33M3D L1K3 4 B4D 1D34. 1V3 S3NT YOU P1N3 CON3S FROM TH3 FOR3ST 1NST34D. YOU PROB4BLY H4V3 SOM3 TOO BUT TH3S3 4R3 B3TT3R B3C4US3 TH3Y 4R3 FROM M3. N3XT T1M3 1 W1LL S3ND YOU SOM3TH1NG 3V3R B3TT3R 1 PROM1S3.
<> T3R3Z1
PS YOU SHOULD H4V3 W4RN3D M3 NOT TO 34T TH3 FLOW3RS 4 L1TTL3 SOON3R >:] 1 M4Y H4V3 4LR34DY ST4RT3D L1CK1NG TH3M!
Don't eat the flowers! Or the rock. Or the leaf. Let's just cover all the things.
It'd be impawsible to get tired of you so quick! I'd be sharing you with Kurloz and I'm pawsitive you would want some time to yourself with him. >;33 If only so you spare me a front row seat to your kisses and smooches. Or I shall smother you in forehead kisses in front of him and embarrass you horribly.
Oh dramatic and corny?
I won't lost you again either. We weren't really meant to meet but we still did and we found each other again. We have this second chance and I'm definitely not letting it slip past.<>
Was that dramatic and corny? Purrobably! I am not sorry in the least. SOMEONE has to say the corny ridiculous things in this moiraillegance. I will gladly take this responsibility. Besides, I've said far more dramatic things. And no I shall not repeat them. I was in a dream at the time and cannot be held responsible.
Anyways! The impurrtant stuff!
Do you think he'd lie about not remembering it? Is it possible he's from a time before it? They took Signless before my time and Xanthous so far after. Kurloz is before all our times. So there's that to consider. Not that it changes what he did and how you feel about it.
It's hard for me to say what to do about it. Kurloz and I sort of muddled around it and I had to make a first step to get us here. He hurt me so deeply in my past and his future. But I don't think you should be scared of someone you hate romantically. Maybe after you work that out? Are you able to talk to him? Does he live in a god's world? This would be so much easier if we could pile and talk about it. Imagine a ridiculous sigh there.
I suppose the most important question is why does he scare you? That he hurt people you couldn't save? His powers? The lack of control you have over what happened and the lack of answers you have for it? I can't tell you how to feel about it Terezi. You're allowed to hate someone for killing those you care about. It's a natural reaction. Just try not to hurt him over it? Or get yourself hurt over it.
In lighter thoughts, oh no, I hate those kinds of trolls. I hate them the most of anything. Does public shaming work? I'm going to assume it does not. Ugh. And I'm sure he'd just take it the wrong way. 'She humilated me because she hates me'. Just try to keep maiming to a mininmum. <>
Changes! I almost furgot! We had more changes! Things change so much here so quickly. Zephyr asked us to make constellations in teh sky and I made a purrbeast. Don't you dare laugh. Don't do it. Kurloz won the contest though, with a feather and a lovely story. Xanthous put 'FUCK' in the sky. In Alternian. He hasn't claimed responsibility for it but there's five of us and Waspfire clearly did the wasp one. I don't know who he thinks he's fooling.
We also got some mountains and a jungle. Xanthous is a cheating cheater with psionics though. Of course he beat me to the top of the mountains! I walked! Anyways. I got a few trees to make some of the candy I got in District 7 but they won't give me sap until next cold season so I included a leaf, a rock from the mountain and some pretty jungle flowers. I was going to send a weird fruit the humans call a pineapple but I'm not honestly sure how to send things like that. I can just fold the letter all weird around this right now but not sure if I can sent big things.
I'll have to ask Zephyr. You'd love it purrobably. I put the pine cones on the little spot above my fire. Oh wait let me add something up there. There, now you can't say I didn't warn you this time.
SHHH SHHHHHHHH. W3 4R3 NOT T4LK1NG 4BOUT HOW MUCH SMOOCH1NG M4Y OR M4Y NOT B3 GO1NG ON. NOR 4R3 W3 GO1NG TO T4LK 4BOUT TRY1NG TO 3MB4R4SS M3 1N FRONT OF H1M!!! YOU TWO 4R3 NOT 4LLOW3D TO T34M UP 4ND CONSP1R3 4G41NST M3 L1K3 TH4T. 1T 1S S1MPLY UNF41R 4ND UN4LLOW3D. 1 4M V3TO1NG TH1S 1D34 B3FOR3 1T 3V3N ST4RTS >:O
1 DONT TH1NK YOU N33D S4P FROM YOUR W1SH TR33S. YOU 4R3 4LR34DY PROV1D1NG MOR3 TH4N 3NOUGH >:P BUT YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO T3LL M3 4BOUT TH3S3 DR4M4T1C TH1NGS. 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO STOP P3ST3R1NG YOU UNT1L YOU DO. SO YOU M1GHT 4S W3LL G3T 1T OV3R W1TH. <><><><>
R3G4RD1NG G4MZ33... 1 DONT KNOW WH4T 1 W4NT. M4YB3 H3 1S NOT LY1NG BUT 1T ST1LL H4PP3N3D. 1 C4NT PR3T3ND L1K3 1T D1DNT JUST B3C4US3 H3 H4SNT L1V3D THROUGH 1T. MY FR13NDS W3R3 HURT B3C4US3 OF H1M 4ND 1 SHOULD H4V3 STOPP3D 1T 4 LOT SOON3R.
1 THOUGHT H3 W4S 4 FR13ND. BUT H3 TR1CK3D M3. 1 W4S SO THOROUGHLY FOOL3D BY H1M TH4T 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW HOW 1T H4PP3N3D OR WH3R3 1T B3G4N. BUT 1T COMPL3T3LY UNR4V3LL3D MY CONF1D3NC3. 1T W4S L1K3 H3 KN3W 4LL TH3 R1GHT PL4C3S TO H1T 4ND 4LL TH3 R1GHT TH1NGS TO S4Y TO DR1V3 M3 TO MY LOW3ST PO1NT. 4ND TH4T SC4R3S M3 PR3TTY B4D.
1 DONT W4NT TO HURT H1M. 1 DONT R34LLY W4NT TO H4T3 H1M 31TH3R. H3 W4S MY FR13ND FOR 4 LONG T1M3. 1 JUST W4NT 4 R34SON. 1 W4NT TO KNOW WHY TH4T H4PP3N3D 4ND HOW TO K33P 1T FROM H4PP3N1NG 4G41N. BUT H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT R3M3MB3R. 1 JUST DONT KNOW 1F 1 C4N TRUST H1M. 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW 1F 1 C4N TRUST MYS3LF. MAYB3 H1S NOT R3M3MB3R1NG 1S 4N 4CT TOO 4ND H3 JUST W4NTS M3 TO CONV1NC3 MYS3LF TO TRUST H1M 4G41N???
HOW D1D YOU G3T P4ST YOUR 1SSU3S W1TH KURLOZ? HOW D1D YOU F1GUR3 OUT HOW TO TRUST H1M 4G41N? HOW D1D YOU KNOW 1T W4S OK4Y TO DO TH4T 4T 4LL? KURLOZ S33MS TO BUT... 1 C4N B4R3LY TH1NK OF TH3M TOG3TH3R W1THOUT B31NG T3RR1F13D. 1 DONT W4NT H1M TO G3T HURT L1K3 MY OTH3R FR13NDS W3R3.
BUT TH3 OTH3R STUFF SOUNDS COOL. 1 PROM1S3 1 MOST D3F1N1T3LY D1D NOT L4UGH. NOT 3V3N 4 L1TTL3 B1T. 4ND 1 WOULD NOT PUT 1T P4ST X4NTHOUS TO PUT FUCK 1N TH3 SKY 31TH3R. 1 4M SURPR1S3D H3 D1DNT PUT 4 TR1BBL3 UP TH3R3 TOO. W3 ST1LL ONLY H4V3 TH3 FOR3ST 4ND TH3 C1RCUS BUT OUR GODL1NG W4S T4LK1NG 4BOUT ST4RS TOO. 1 TH1NK TH3Y L1K3 TH3 1D34 OF CONST3LL4T1ONS 3V3N 1F W3 C4NT S33 TH3M FULLY. TH3 SKY 1S 4LW4YS 4 SUNS3T BUT TH3 ST4RS P33K THROUGH FROM TH3 OPPOS1T3 D1R3CT1ON.
1 W1SH 1 COULD COM3 V1S1T YOUR MOUNT41NS 4ND YOUR JUNGL3. M4YB3 W3 C4N P3T1T1ON FOR V1S1T1NG R1GHTS. YOUR C4N 4SK YOUR Z3PHYR 4ND 1 W1LL 4SK OUR... F34R? 1 DONT 4CTU4LLY KNOW TH31R N4M3. M4YB3 W3 SHOULD TH1NK 4BOUT P1CK1NG ON3 OUT FOR TH3M B3FOR3 F34R 3NDS UP B31NG WH4T W3 C4LL TH3M. TH4T M1GHT G3T CONFUS1NG 4FT3R 4 WH1L3.
1 DONT H4V3 4NY N3W G1FTS FOR YOU TH1S T1M3 SO 1 HOP3 YOU ENJOY 4LL TH3S3 DUMB P1CTUR3S TH4T 1 4M STUFF1NG 1NTO TH1S 3NV3LOP3. N3XT T1M3 1 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 TO GO OUT 4ND F1ND 4 N1C3 G4M3 SO TH4T 1 C4N W1N YOU 4 PROP3R G1FT >:P BUT SOM3HOW 1 DOUBT YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO D1SL1K3 G3TT1NG DR4W1NGS 4S 4 PR3S3NT.
1 D1D NOT 34T TH3 ROCK OR TH3 L34F TH1S T1M3. 1 ST1LL PUT TH3 FLOW3RS D4NG3ROUSLY CLOS3 TO MY MOUTH. C4NT STOP WONT STOP.
It is too late. Now you have give me the idea to conspurr against you. >;33 You are simply doomed. Embarrassing smooches are happening.
And it was a long time ago! I was just told I would likely never see you again, that I didn't come back to Panem. It was before I came here. A weird in between dream that Zephyr created and I got caught up in. I think I said something like I didn't want embarrassing dramatic. I didn't want you to stay caught up on me if I wasn't there. I remember what it was like to have someone and hold them up as purrfect and great and amazing and forget all the flaws. I wanted you to be able to move on. To be honest that's why I wasn't so upset when you told me about the human you'd gotten a little pitiful for. You being able to go on with life and not feel like quadrants were awful or doomed to fail was part of our moirallegance. Or well it would have been if I'd been there longer. I remember how you were when we started.
But enough about that.
I don't know if my way will help you. I don't even know if I had a way. You wanted us to be civil and so we tried that. And I. Did they ever show what happened on the rooftop? I know I told you we talked and we were close to something and then he fell and you saw. But I told him none of it was my fault. I think that's what was really the thing was us. I was never scared of him. But he told me Xanthous and his life and all that was my fault because I never went after him and I believed that for a long time. Before he told me it was my fault I told him I knew it was. But no one wanted me to. Everyone, Porrim, Kankri, Mituna, all them wanted me to live. So I told him so. I finally faced that that wasn't my fault. None of it.
None of that really helps I think. Let me try this again. We got past the issues slow. The time he died was only the first step. It took time. We kept it up a lot for you at first? And our conversations were always one step forward and two steps back sort of thing. Well maybe the other way around. Every one got us forward. But I never know when to quit with people, you know? I keep trying. I keep reaching out. Usually.
I don't know if when I trusted him. There was no again, we never had trust. Maybe when he tried to save me from the awful dead walker things in the arena and had to kill me? Because it was a time when he cared and he tried so hard. Or maybe it wasn't until the dream when he told me what had happened in Panem and treated me so kindly and thoughfully? You don't just decide to trust someone. They earn it. With words and actions. If he doesn't earn it, how can you trust him?
If you can't talk to him, you might never get those answers and that's okay. You could talk to him and still not get those answers. Or the answers could be ones you didn't want at all. But I want you trust yourself Terezi. You feel the way you do for a reason. You're the one who knows what happened to you and that's the most important thing. He tricked you and you might never know why or how long it was going on.
This is frustratingly difficult to advise for. If he was there, you could talk to him or confront him again or something. You'd have options. But he's not there to earn or not earn your trust or provide the answers you want. I guess the real question is can you deal with not knowing why this happened? Can you look at this as something to learn from without it making you pull back from things? You trust people Terezi, you're loyal, and I can understand why having that loyalty used against you was the worst sort of betrayal. You care about your friends. You need them to have your back when you have theirs. You're under no obligation to forgive him for what he does. Just remember if he's from before that time, he can change. The future we make here outside Alternia is not set in those paths. I don't live alone forever. Kurloz isn't the Grand Highblood. You don't...do whatever it is you were going to do after you were brought to Panem. We're all living proof things can change. People can change.
Or I wouldn't be who I was today.
<> <> <>
And on the not so deep but equally impurrtant stuff. I can ask Zefur but I don't know if they'll let us visit. I'd like to visit your carnival at least once. It might not be where I'd want to live forever but I imagine it must be beautiful. I talked to them about the wall back during the constellation thing. They said it goes down when they're old enough and they'll just know when that is. That we'd be able to move about freely. It sounds lovely really but none of us know when it'll happen. They're growing up so fast. Not as tall as me yet but too close!
Maybe your god should make them really bright? Zephyr made our moon different. I think. It's definitely shinier. But I'm not sure how other gods work. They all seem to have different things they do. But you should probably name yours. Mine was named before I got here so I don't know how that works but maybe poll it? Do you all have a bulletin board? It's utter chaos here but we have had a few sensible polls. I think. Sort of.
I'm putting these drawings on the wall. Everyone shall see them when they come in. They'll be the pride of my hive. I'm surrounding them with feathers and dried flowers as we speak. Oh! Those flowers worked, the ones I dried for paint before? Sort of at least. They really need to be smoother, the paint is a little gritty, but I'm no position to whine about it.
Here I painted this picture with it. I'm not sure if you have a place to put it. Do you get places to put all these things I keep sending you? Or are you just eating them. >:OO Don't do it. Don't eat the flowers Rezi!!
I mean it, those were moirail flowers not eating flowers. I can send you eating flowers when my Alternian herbs bloom. Maybe next month. I'll send you all the things that taste best though those are the most useless ones.
<> Meulin
I unfolded this to add something but I forgot what it was. I'm already here though so I guess I'll write more anyways. I doubt you'll be opposed to more words. I miss you Terezi. I miss you a lot. Wish you'd shown up here. Wish you'd been here all this time and I hadn't had to worry about you. I told Kurloz in the dream that I didn't want to be a scar. I wanted to be a good memory, I wanted you to think of me and be happy we were together and not feel tied down or restricted by my being pulled away from you. He said he didn't get it but I think you might? You understand me.
Sorry, it's noon and appurrently that means I have to add sappy ridiculous things to my letter. I'm going to put this in the mail receptacle and go to bed. <> Pale for you Terezi.
I've been thinking about writing his letter for a while. I've been thinking about the stuff in it for even longer than I knew I could write to you. It's been a year and a half since I arrived here at least a year of it has been spent thinking about this. I could probably go on and on but I don't want you to get all worried. Do you remember when Mituna changed his title in Panem. I've thought about it a lot since then, why he did it, why he wanted to have something new. What it meant to him most of all. Xanthous is a little ridiculous but I know it fit him more. It's not tied down in the baggage of the past. Or at least that's why I think he changed it. Our relationship is still in the casual teasing and occasional awkwardness sort of place. It's not really in the talk about your deep emotions place. It just makes me think. I'm not sure about my title anymore. I haven't been for some time. The Disciple feels a little like a title that belongs to a different troll, you know? It was a version of myself who was defined by my connection to Signless, by my beliefs and how they influenced my life.
i haven't seen him in half a sweep. And that doesn't, shouldn't matter, you know? I miss him, I miss our relationship. I just
I think sometimes, about what you used to say and imply. That I was more than my connections. That I was more than what my title said about me. You always used to use my hatchname so I suspect you might be a little biased about this topic. I don't think you really liked my title to begin with <> We shall have to continue to disagree on deserving him and what I deserve in my quadrants (besides you) but that's beside the point.
The Dolorosa was here for some time. I met the newer Psiionic from Panem in the swamp I was in. It didn't feel like coming home. Well, it did a little and in other way it felt a little like betraying Xanthous but that's not what I'm talking about today! It felt strange. Like I wasn't the person they were really looking for. The Dolorosa disappeared. I never spoke to or have heard from the Psiionic again. I can't ask them how they would feel about my title, if they thought I was enough like their memories, if they liked the ways I'd changed.
This is getting off topic. Or maybe it's not. I'm not really sure how to write this out when I'm so torn on the subject myself.
My title doesn't feel like me. It feels like someone else, a version of myself who was brave and faithful but spent a lot of time sad, angry at herself and blaming herself for the things that went wrong. No that doesn't feel fair of me. There was a time when it was a title I wore with pride. It distinguished me, it spoke of my love and my pity, my place in the rebellion and most of all, of my faith in our message. Not faith like the clowns. Faith in people, in peace, in caring for other trolls and being cared for in return. But it got all mixed up over the last few sweeps. It got all turned around, when it had been a badge, an outward sign of who I was, it became all I was. I think. Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe it's still a badge of honor.
But I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know if I want to change it. I know that's a thing I can do. I'm fairly sure no one here right now would blame me or call me awful for doing so. But I can't help but wonder what I would do if Signless or the Dolorosa came? If the Psiionic I met returned. If another showed up. What would I say? It feels awful to contemplate, to think about ruining their memory of me, to ruin the memory of the rebellion. I do remember it. It's vivid, there to show all the things I loved about it, about them. The title means so much to me and it honors all their memories. It keeps them all in my memory when they're not here.
But sometimes I wonder if that really matters. If keeping my title for them is what they'd want. If they'd mind so much if they got here and I went by something else. I wonder if they'd understand. I remember how you said you'd never know about Gamzee, how he felt, what he really meant, and I understand. The chances that I'll know what they want, how they feel, is so small. I can keep hoping they'll come but do I stop trying to make the way I present myself fit who I am because of them? Or am I looking at it the wrong way. The bulletin board exploded a bit last month and I've had a lot of time to think about it. Who we are and who we want to be. Liking who we are, being who we want to be and learning to be that.
Is a title an integral part of me that should change with me? I'm not getting purrmoted, I'm not changing jobs or becoming someone unrecognizable to my last title. It just doesn't seem to fit. Like some costume from the Capitol, it's doesn't change who I am but it changes how I'm seen? Or not. I keep running this in circles around my head. I keep justifying one way or another and it makes me awful just to contemplate it. I want to go back and strike out a bunch of things but I'll try to keep this mostly intact. Telling you the truth, telling you how I feel without trying to censor it, that's what makes this work right? You aren't here to notice me droop in a conversation or watch what I say on the board or anything. I have to be honest.
Maybe the problem really is that I don't know who I am anymore. If I'm not defined by the same things I once was, what does that make me?
I'm sending this with a pineapple which I'm sure you've realized already. Please don't eat any of the spiky bits.
Oh! I asked Zephyr about visiting the answer was a solid 'maybe???' but if we can't, at least I tried. I asked them to update me if something happened. <>
1 US3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3 B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3. 4ND B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOU. <><><> BUT YOU M1GHT B3 R1GHT. 1 N3V3R R34LLY C4R3D FOR YOUR T1TL3 MUCH. 1 W4RM3D UP TO S1GNL3SS 4 L1TTL3, 4FT3R... Y34H. W3 W3R3 4SHM4T3S. BUT H3'S ST1LL 4N 1D1OT 4ND 1 4M FULLY 4LLOW3D TO S4Y TH4T NOW.
1 4M 4LSO FULLY 4LLOW3D TO TH1NK TH4T YOU D3S3ERV3 B3TT3R. BUT 1 4M GO1NG TO TH1NK TH4T R3G4RDL3SS OF WHO YOU L1K3. >:]
1 4M NOT R34LLY SUR3 1F 1 C4N 4DV1S3 ON N3W T1TL3S. 1 ST1LL DONT H4V3 ON3 MYS3LF. BUT 1 TH1NK 1 UND3RST4ND NOT F33L1NG L1K3... TH3 P3RSON YOU W3R3 B3FOR3? B3FOR3 P4N3M H4PP3N3D. W3 W3NT THROUGH 4 LOT OF TH1NGS TH3R3. 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 POSS1BL3 TO ST1LL B3 TH3 S4M3 P3OPL3 NOW.
TH4T B31NG S41D, 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T T4K1NG 4 N3W T1TL3 WOULD B3 4N 1NSULT TO TH3M. YOUR3 NOT B31NG PROMOT3D PURRMOT3D BUT YOU SHOULDNT L1V3 1N TH3 P4ST 31TH3R. 1 DONT TH1NK TH3Y WOULD W4NT YOU TO HOLD OUT FOR TH3M FOR3V3R. L1K3 WH4T YOU S41D B3FOR3 4BOUT B31NG 4 GOOD M3MORY 1NST34D OF 4 SC4R. TH3Y WOULDNT W4NT TO B3 4 SC4R ON YOU 31TH3R, WOULD TH3Y?
1 HOP3 TH4T M4K3S S3NS3. YOU PROB4BLY KNOW MOR3 4BOUT TH1S TH4N 1 DO, BUT 1 4M ST1LL H3R3 TO T3LL YOU TH4T WH4T3V3R YOU W4NT TO DO SOUNDS GOOD TO M3. 4S LONG 4S 1T M4K3S YOU H4PPY. <>
1F YOUR3 ST1LL WORR13D 4BOUT 1T, TH3N M4YB3 YOU CAN F1ND 4 T1TL3 TH4T ST1LL HONORS TH3M 1N SOM3 W4Y? BUT 1 DONT TH1NK 1T 1S STR1CTLY N3C3SS4RY. 1 C4NT SP34K FOR TH3M, BUT 1F 1 COULD, 1 WOULD T3LL YOU TH4T TH3Y SHOULD 4LR34DY B3 PROUD OF YOU. 1 KNOW 1 4M. <><><>
TH4TS 4LL TH3 S4P YOU G3T FROM M3 FOR NOW. M4K3 SUR3 TO L3T M3 KNOW HOW 1T WORKS OUT. 1 N33D TO B3 UPD4T3D ON WH4T N4M3 TO PUT 1NS1D3 TH3 D14MONDS 1 DR4W. >:]
<> T3R3Z1
[At the end of the page, a large diamond has been drawn with "Terezi" and "Meulin" scribbled inside of it.]
<> Such sap Remind me to send you some of the stuff from my trees when the snow ends If it ends at the same time
I think I want to do it. Change it. And I think I have some ideas for how to honor them anyways. Or at least honor what we did. It makes sense to me at least. And that's what matters, right?
I wanted to ask if you had any suggestions? I want to at least know if you have any thoughts. I'm getting stuck on things. And I know some are taking three names. And some people two and then some just take the title. Like Xanthous.
Having three seems off to me when I've gone by one so long. But it seems like it might be right? It's complicated. I'm not even on Alternia anymore why must life continue to be complicated.
Also I'm cutting out the diamond and putting in on my wall <> So I have proof.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2016-05-09 11:51 pm (UTC)1 4M SORRY TH4T YOUR3 SO LON3LY. 1 M1SS YOU TOO. WHOS3 H41R 4M 1 SUPPOS3D TO BR41D 1F YOU 4R3 SO F4R 4W4Y? 4ND 1 GU3SS 1 C4NT DO TH4T P1L1NG TH1NG 31TH3R..... BUT S3R1OUSLY 1 UND3RST4ND. 1F TH3S3 W4LLS W3R3 DOWN YOU WOULDNT B3 4BL3 TO G3T R1D OF M3. 1 WOULD G1V3 YOU 4 W33K B3FOR3 YOU W3R3 SO S1CK OF M3 B31NG 4ROUND. <>
1T SUCKS BUT W3 H4V3 TO M4K3 TH3 B3ST OF WH4T W3 H4V3. YOU W1LL F1ND SOM3ON3 3LS3. 1T S33MS L1K3 TH3R3 4R3 4 LOT OF WORLDS OUT TH3R3 L1K3 TH3S3 ON3S. TH3R3 1S NO T3LL1NG WHO OR WH4T W3 M1GHT F1ND OUT TH3R3. BUT NO M4TT3R WH4T 1 W1LL B3 H3R3 FOR YOU. 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO LOS3 YOU 4G41N. 1M4G1N3 TH4T 1 SQU33Z3D YOUR H4ND TH3R3. 1M4G1N3 4LSO TH4T 1 THOUGHT 4BOUT S4Y1NG SOM3TH1NG R34LLY CORNY TH3R3. BUT TH1S 1S NOT 4 ROMCOM 4ND 1 D3C1D3D NOT TO S4Y 1T B3C4US3 TH3N YOU WOULD L4UGH 4T HOW DR4M4T1C 1 W4S B31NG.
TH1NGS H4V3 B33N MUCH TH3 S4M3 H3R3 TOO. 1 4M ST4RT1NG TO L1K3 OUR GODL1NG MOR3. BUT 1 W1SH TH3Y WOULD STOP 4PP34R1NG 4S TH1NGS TH4T 1 DO NOT L1K3 SOM3T1M3S. TH3Y S33M TO H4V3 4 TH1NG FOR SHOW1NG UP 4S TH1NGS TH4T W3 4R3 4FR41D OF. WH1CH G1V3S TH3 R34CT1ON TH4T YOU WOULD 3XP3CT FROM M33T1NG 4 TH1NG TH4T YOU 4R3 4FR41D OF.
SP34K1NG OF TH1NGS TH4T SC4RD M3... 1 D1DNT M3NT1ON B3FOR3 BUT 1 R4N 1NTO G4MZ33 1N TH3 M34DOUS. OUT OF 4LL TH3 TH1NGS TH4T 1 H4V3 S33N 1N TH4T FOR3ST H1S F4C3 SHOWS UP TH3 MOST. 1 C4NT S33M TO G3T 4 HOLD OF TH4T P4RT1CUL4R F34R. 1T F33LS SO WR4PP3D UP 1N SO M4NY OTH3R TH1NGS. H3 D1D 4 LOT OF 4WFUL TH1NGS 1N MY T1M3. 1NCLUD1NG MURD3R1NG 4T L34ST TWO OF MY FR13NDS. BUT H3 DO3SNT S33M TO R3M3MB3R TH4T. 1 COULDNT T3LL 1F H3 W4S F4K1NG 1T OR NOT. 1 DONT L1K3 F33L1NG SO OFF B4L4NC3 W1TH SOM3ON3.
1 N3V3R KNOW HOW 1 4M SUPPOS3D TO F33L W1TH H1M. DO 1 H4T3 H1M? DO 1 *H4T3* H4T3 H1M? 4M 1 SC4R3D OF H1M? 1 KNOW TH3 L4ST ON3 MUST B3 TRU3 OR H3 WOULDNT SHOW UP SO OFT3N FOR M3. BUT 1 DONT W4NT TO B3 4FR41D OF H1M FOR3V3R. 1 4M JUST NOT SUR3 Y3T WH4T 1 W4NT TO R3PL4C3 TH4T W1TH.
SP34K1NG OF H4T3 H4T1NG... 1 4LSO D1D NOT M3NT1ON TH1S B3FOR3 BUT TH3R3 1S 4 TROLL WHO DO3S NOT S33M TO UND3RST4ND NO H3R3. 1 4M PR3TTY SUR3 H3 H4S H1T ON 3V3RY L1V1NG CR34TUR3 1N TH3 CIRCUS 4ND M4YB3 4LSO SOM3 NONL1V1NG ON3S. 1N V4R1OUS QU4DR4NTS. 1T 1S 4LMOST P1T14BL3 3XC3PT TH3 THOUGHT OF TH4T M4K3S M3 THROW UP 1N MY MOUTH 4 L1TTL3. H3 TR13D TO M4K3 4 P4SS 4T M3 TOO. 1 PUNCH3D H1M SQU4R3 1N TH3 MOUTH BUT 1 TH1NK TH4T ONLY 3NCOUR4G3D H1M. SO F4R 1 H4V3 K3PT H1M 4T B4Y BY 1NFORM1NG H1M TH4T 1 4M D4T1NG TH3 GR4ND H1GHBLOOD. TH4T N4M3 S33M3D TO SC4R3 H1M OFF BUT W3 W1LL S33 HOW LONG TH4T L4STS. 1 M1GHT N33D TO T4K3 MOR3 DR4ST1C M34SUR3S TO 3NSUR3 TH4T H3 K33PS H1S H4NDS TO H1MS3LF. 3V3N 1F 1 H4V3 TO R3TURN TH3M TO H1M 1N 4 J4R. >:]
1 SHOULD PROB4BLY WR4P TH1S UP S1NC3 1T 1S G3TT1NG LONG. TH4NK YOU FOR TH3 H34DS UP 4BOUT KURLOZ! 1 W1LL H4V3 TO P3ST3R H1M 4BOUT TH3S3 MYST3R1OUS CH4NG3S... 4ND M4YB3 4LSO NOT GROW1NG SO MUCH. 1 DO NOT TH1NK 1 4M 1N D4NG3R OF OV3RSH4DOW1NG YOU Y3T. NO WORR13S. >;P
T4K3 C4R3. K33P M3 UPD4T3D ON 4NY CH4NG3S!!! 1 4M R34LLY GL4D W3 G3T TO S3ND TH3S3 L3TT3RS NOW. 1 W4NT3D TO S3ND YOU SOM3 COTTON C4NDY BUT 1T W4S R34LLY ST1CKY 4ND TH4T S33M3D L1K3 4 B4D 1D34. 1V3 S3NT YOU P1N3 CON3S FROM TH3 FOR3ST 1NST34D. YOU PROB4BLY H4V3 SOM3 TOO BUT TH3S3 4R3 B3TT3R B3C4US3 TH3Y 4R3 FROM M3. N3XT T1M3 1 W1LL S3ND YOU SOM3TH1NG 3V3R B3TT3R 1 PROM1S3.
<> T3R3Z1
PS YOU SHOULD H4V3 W4RN3D M3 NOT TO 34T TH3 FLOW3RS 4 L1TTL3 SOON3R >:] 1 M4Y H4V3 4LR34DY ST4RT3D L1CK1NG TH3M!
no subject
Date: 2016-05-13 04:32 am (UTC)It'd be impawsible to get tired of you so quick! I'd be sharing you with Kurloz and I'm pawsitive you would want some time to yourself with him. >;33 If only so you spare me a front row seat to your kisses and smooches. Or I shall smother you in forehead kisses in front of him and embarrass you horribly.
Oh dramatic and corny?
I won't lost you again either. We weren't really meant to meet but we still did and we found each other again. We have this second chance and I'm definitely not letting it slip past.<>
Was that dramatic and corny? Purrobably! I am not sorry in the least. SOMEONE has to say the corny ridiculous things in this moiraillegance. I will gladly take this responsibility. Besides, I've said far more dramatic things. And no I shall not repeat them. I was in a dream at the time and cannot be held responsible.
Anyways! The impurrtant stuff!
Do you think he'd lie about not remembering it? Is it possible he's from a time before it? They took Signless before my time and Xanthous so far after. Kurloz is before all our times. So there's that to consider. Not that it changes what he did and how you feel about it.
It's hard for me to say what to do about it. Kurloz and I sort of muddled around it and I had to make a first step to get us here. He hurt me so deeply in my past and his future. But I don't think you should be scared of someone you hate romantically. Maybe after you work that out? Are you able to talk to him? Does he live in a god's world? This would be so much easier if we could pile and talk about it. Imagine a ridiculous sigh there.
I suppose the most important question is why does he scare you? That he hurt people you couldn't save? His powers? The lack of control you have over what happened and the lack of answers you have for it? I can't tell you how to feel about it Terezi. You're allowed to hate someone for killing those you care about. It's a natural reaction. Just try not to hurt him over it? Or get yourself hurt over it.
In lighter thoughts, oh no, I hate those kinds of trolls. I hate them the most of anything. Does public shaming work? I'm going to assume it does not. Ugh. And I'm sure he'd just take it the wrong way. 'She humilated me because she hates me'. Just try to keep maiming to a mininmum. <>
Changes! I almost furgot! We had more changes! Things change so much here so quickly. Zephyr asked us to make constellations in teh sky and I made a purrbeast. Don't you dare laugh. Don't do it. Kurloz won the contest though, with a feather and a lovely story. Xanthous put 'FUCK' in the sky. In Alternian. He hasn't claimed responsibility for it but there's five of us and Waspfire clearly did the wasp one. I don't know who he thinks he's fooling.
We also got some mountains and a jungle. Xanthous is a cheating cheater with psionics though. Of course he beat me to the top of the mountains! I walked! Anyways. I got a few trees to make some of the candy I got in District 7 but they won't give me sap until next cold season so I included a leaf, a rock from the mountain and some pretty jungle flowers. I was going to send a weird fruit the humans call a pineapple but I'm not honestly sure how to send things like that. I can just fold the letter all weird around this right now but not sure if I can sent big things.
I'll have to ask Zephyr. You'd love it purrobably. I put the pine cones on the little spot above my fire. Oh wait let me add something up there. There, now you can't say I didn't warn you this time.
<> Meulin
no subject
Date: 2016-06-03 08:59 pm (UTC)1 DONT TH1NK YOU N33D S4P FROM YOUR W1SH TR33S. YOU 4R3 4LR34DY PROV1D1NG MOR3 TH4N 3NOUGH >:P BUT YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO H4V3 TO T3LL M3 4BOUT TH3S3 DR4M4T1C TH1NGS. 1 4M NOT GO1NG TO STOP P3ST3R1NG YOU UNT1L YOU DO. SO YOU M1GHT 4S W3LL G3T 1T OV3R W1TH. <><><><>
R3G4RD1NG G4MZ33... 1 DONT KNOW WH4T 1 W4NT. M4YB3 H3 1S NOT LY1NG BUT 1T ST1LL H4PP3N3D. 1 C4NT PR3T3ND L1K3 1T D1DNT JUST B3C4US3 H3 H4SNT L1V3D THROUGH 1T. MY FR13NDS W3R3 HURT B3C4US3 OF H1M 4ND 1 SHOULD H4V3 STOPP3D 1T 4 LOT SOON3R.
1 THOUGHT H3 W4S 4 FR13ND. BUT H3 TR1CK3D M3. 1 W4S SO THOROUGHLY FOOL3D BY H1M TH4T 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW HOW 1T H4PP3N3D OR WH3R3 1T B3G4N. BUT 1T COMPL3T3LY UNR4V3LL3D MY CONF1D3NC3. 1T W4S L1K3 H3 KN3W 4LL TH3 R1GHT PL4C3S TO H1T 4ND 4LL TH3 R1GHT TH1NGS TO S4Y TO DR1V3 M3 TO MY LOW3ST PO1NT. 4ND TH4T SC4R3S M3 PR3TTY B4D.
1 DONT W4NT TO HURT H1M. 1 DONT R34LLY W4NT TO H4T3 H1M 31TH3R. H3 W4S MY FR13ND FOR 4 LONG T1M3. 1 JUST W4NT 4 R34SON. 1 W4NT TO KNOW WHY TH4T H4PP3N3D 4ND HOW TO K33P 1T FROM H4PP3N1NG 4G41N. BUT H3 S4YS H3 DO3SNT R3M3MB3R. 1 JUST DONT KNOW 1F 1 C4N TRUST H1M. 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW 1F 1 C4N TRUST MYS3LF. MAYB3 H1S NOT R3M3MB3R1NG 1S 4N 4CT TOO 4ND H3 JUST W4NTS M3 TO CONV1NC3 MYS3LF TO TRUST H1M 4G41N???
H3 1S NOT 3V3N H3R3 4ND H3 H4S M3 S3COND GU3SS1NG MYS3LF >:[
HOW D1D YOU G3T P4ST YOUR 1SSU3S W1TH KURLOZ? HOW D1D YOU F1GUR3 OUT HOW TO TRUST H1M 4G41N? HOW D1D YOU KNOW 1T W4S OK4Y TO DO TH4T 4T 4LL? KURLOZ S33MS TO BUT... 1 C4N B4R3LY TH1NK OF TH3M TOG3TH3R W1THOUT B31NG T3RR1F13D. 1 DONT W4NT H1M TO G3T HURT L1K3 MY OTH3R FR13NDS W3R3.
BUT TH3 OTH3R STUFF SOUNDS COOL. 1 PROM1S3 1 MOST D3F1N1T3LY D1D NOT L4UGH. NOT 3V3N 4 L1TTL3 B1T. 4ND 1 WOULD NOT PUT 1T P4ST X4NTHOUS TO PUT FUCK 1N TH3 SKY 31TH3R. 1 4M SURPR1S3D H3 D1DNT PUT 4 TR1BBL3 UP TH3R3 TOO. W3 ST1LL ONLY H4V3 TH3 FOR3ST 4ND TH3 C1RCUS BUT OUR GODL1NG W4S T4LK1NG 4BOUT ST4RS TOO. 1 TH1NK TH3Y L1K3 TH3 1D34 OF CONST3LL4T1ONS 3V3N 1F W3 C4NT S33 TH3M FULLY. TH3 SKY 1S 4LW4YS 4 SUNS3T BUT TH3 ST4RS P33K THROUGH FROM TH3 OPPOS1T3 D1R3CT1ON.
1 W1SH 1 COULD COM3 V1S1T YOUR MOUNT41NS 4ND YOUR JUNGL3. M4YB3 W3 C4N P3T1T1ON FOR V1S1T1NG R1GHTS. YOUR C4N 4SK YOUR Z3PHYR 4ND 1 W1LL 4SK OUR... F34R? 1 DONT 4CTU4LLY KNOW TH31R N4M3. M4YB3 W3 SHOULD TH1NK 4BOUT P1CK1NG ON3 OUT FOR TH3M B3FOR3 F34R 3NDS UP B31NG WH4T W3 C4LL TH3M. TH4T M1GHT G3T CONFUS1NG 4FT3R 4 WH1L3.
1 DONT H4V3 4NY N3W G1FTS FOR YOU TH1S T1M3 SO 1 HOP3 YOU ENJOY 4LL TH3S3 DUMB P1CTUR3S TH4T 1 4M STUFF1NG 1NTO TH1S 3NV3LOP3. N3XT T1M3 1 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 TO GO OUT 4ND F1ND 4 N1C3 G4M3 SO TH4T 1 C4N W1N YOU 4 PROP3R G1FT >:P BUT SOM3HOW 1 DOUBT YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO D1SL1K3 G3TT1NG DR4W1NGS 4S 4 PR3S3NT.
1 D1D NOT 34T TH3 ROCK OR TH3 L34F TH1S T1M3. 1 ST1LL PUT TH3 FLOW3RS D4NG3ROUSLY CLOS3 TO MY MOUTH. C4NT STOP WONT STOP.
<><><> T3R3Z1
no subject
Date: 2016-06-04 06:27 am (UTC)And it was a long time ago! I was just told I would likely never see you again, that I didn't come back to Panem. It was before I came here. A weird in between dream that Zephyr created and I got caught up in. I think I said something
like I didn't wantembarrassing dramatic. I didn't want you to stay caught up on me if I wasn't there. I remember what it was like to have someone and hold them up as purrfect and great and amazing and forget all the flaws. I wanted you to be able to move on. To be honest that's why I wasn't so upset when you told me about the human you'd gotten a little pitiful for. You being able to go on with life and not feel like quadrants were awful or doomed to fail was part of our moirallegance. Or well it would have been if I'd been there longer. I remember how you were when we started.But enough about that.
I don't know if my way will help you. I don't even know if I had a way. You wanted us to be civil and so we tried that. And I. Did they ever show what happened on the rooftop? I know I told you we talked and we were close to something and then he fell and you saw. But I told him none of it was my fault. I think that's what was really the thing was us. I was never scared of him. But he told me Xanthous and his life and all that was my fault because I never went after him and I believed that for a long time. Before he told me it was my fault I told him I knew it was. But no one wanted me to. Everyone, Porrim, Kankri, Mituna, all them wanted me to live. So I told him so. I finally faced that that wasn't my fault. None of it.
None of that really helps I think. Let me try this again. We got past the issues slow. The time he died was only the first step. It took time. We kept it up a lot for you at first? And our conversations were always one step forward and two steps back sort of thing. Well maybe the other way around. Every one got us forward. But I never know when to quit with people, you know? I keep trying. I keep reaching out. Usually.
I don't know if when I trusted him. There was no again, we never had trust. Maybe when he tried to save me from the awful dead walker things in the arena and had to kill me? Because it was a time when he cared and he tried so hard. Or maybe it wasn't until the dream when he told me what had happened in Panem and treated me so kindly and thoughfully? You don't just decide to trust someone. They earn it. With words and actions. If he doesn't earn it, how can you trust him?
If you can't talk to him, you might never get those answers and that's okay. You could talk to him and still not get those answers. Or the answers could be ones you didn't want at all. But I want you trust yourself Terezi. You feel the way you do for a reason. You're the one who knows what happened to you and that's the most important thing. He tricked you and you might never know why or how long it was going on.
This is frustratingly difficult to advise for. If he was there, you could talk to him or confront him again or something. You'd have options. But he's not there to earn or not earn your trust or provide the answers you want. I guess the real question is can you deal with not knowing why this happened? Can you look at this as something to learn from without it making you pull back from things? You trust people Terezi, you're loyal, and I can understand why having that loyalty used against you was the worst sort of betrayal. You care about your friends. You need them to have your back when you have theirs. You're under no obligation to forgive him for what he does. Just remember if he's from before that time, he can change. The future we make here outside Alternia is not set in those paths. I don't live alone forever. Kurloz isn't the Grand Highblood. You don't...do whatever it is you were going to do after you were brought to Panem. We're all living proof things can change. People can change.
Or I wouldn't be who I was today.
<> <> <>
And on the not so deep but equally impurrtant stuff. I can ask Zefur but I don't know if they'll let us visit. I'd like to visit your carnival at least once. It might not be where I'd want to live forever but I imagine it must be beautiful. I talked to them about the wall back during the constellation thing. They said it goes down when they're old enough and they'll just know when that is. That we'd be able to move about freely. It sounds lovely really but none of us know when it'll happen. They're growing up so fast. Not as tall as me yet but too close!
Maybe your god should make them really bright? Zephyr made our moon different. I think. It's definitely shinier. But I'm not sure how other gods work. They all seem to have different things they do. But you should probably name yours. Mine was named before I got here so I don't know how that works but maybe poll it? Do you all have a bulletin board? It's utter chaos here but we have had a few sensible polls. I think. Sort of.
I'm putting these drawings on the wall. Everyone shall see them when they come in. They'll be the pride of my hive. I'm surrounding them with feathers and dried flowers as we speak. Oh! Those flowers worked, the ones I dried for paint before? Sort of at least. They really need to be smoother, the paint is a little gritty, but I'm no position to whine about it.
Here I painted this picture with it. I'm not sure if you have a place to put it. Do you get places to put all these things I keep sending you? Or are you just eating them. >:OO Don't do it. Don't eat the flowers Rezi!!
I mean it, those were moirail flowers not eating flowers. I can send you eating flowers when my Alternian herbs bloom. Maybe next month. I'll send you all the things that taste best though those are the most useless ones.
<> Meulin
I unfolded this to add something but I forgot what it was. I'm already here though so I guess I'll write more anyways. I doubt you'll be opposed to more words. I miss you Terezi. I miss you a lot. Wish you'd shown up here. Wish you'd been here all this time and I hadn't had to worry about you. I told Kurloz in the dream that I didn't want to be a scar. I wanted to be a good memory, I wanted you to think of me and be happy we were together and not feel tied down or restricted by my being pulled away from you. He said he didn't get it but I think you might? You understand me.
Sorry, it's noon and appurrently that means I have to add sappy ridiculous things to my letter. I'm going to put this in the mail receptacle and go to bed. <> Pale for you Terezi.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-16 03:11 am (UTC)i haven't seen him in half a sweep. And that doesn't, shouldn't matter, you know? I miss him, I miss our relationship. I justI think sometimes, about what you used to say and imply. That I was more than my connections. That I was more than what my title said about me. You always used to use my hatchname so I suspect you might be a little biased about this topic. I don't think you really liked my title to begin with <> We shall have to continue to disagree on deserving him and what I deserve in my quadrants (besides you) but that's beside the point.
The Dolorosa was here for some time. I met the newer Psiionic from Panem in the swamp I was in. It didn't feel like coming home. Well, it did a little and in other way it felt a little like betraying Xanthous but that's not what I'm talking about today! It felt strange. Like I wasn't the person they were really looking for. The Dolorosa disappeared. I never spoke to or have heard from the Psiionic again. I can't ask them how they would feel about my title, if they thought I was enough like their memories, if they liked the ways I'd changed.
This is getting off topic. Or maybe it's not. I'm not really sure how to write this out when I'm so torn on the subject myself.
My title doesn't feel like me. It feels like someone else, a version of myself who was brave and faithful but spent a lot of time sad, angry at herself and blaming herself for the things that went wrong. No that doesn't feel fair of me. There was a time when it was a title I wore with pride. It distinguished me, it spoke of my love and my pity, my place in the rebellion and most of all, of my faith in our message. Not faith like the clowns. Faith in people, in peace, in caring for other trolls and being cared for in return. But it got all mixed up over the last few sweeps. It got all turned around, when it had been a badge, an outward sign of who I was, it became all I was. I think. Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe it's still a badge of honor.
But I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know if I want to change it. I know that's a thing I can do. I'm fairly sure no one here right now would blame me or call me awful for doing so. But I can't help but wonder what I would do if Signless or the Dolorosa came? If the Psiionic I met returned. If another showed up. What would I say? It feels awful to contemplate, to think about ruining their memory of me, to ruin the memory of the rebellion. I do remember it. It's vivid, there to show all the things I loved about it, about them. The title means so much to me and it honors all their memories. It keeps them all in my memory when they're not here.
But sometimes I wonder if that really matters. If keeping my title for them is what they'd want. If they'd mind so much if they got here and I went by something else. I wonder if they'd understand. I remember how you said you'd never know about Gamzee, how he felt, what he really meant, and I understand. The chances that I'll know what they want, how they feel, is so small. I can keep hoping they'll come but do I stop trying to make the way I present myself fit who I am because of them? Or am I looking at it the wrong way. The bulletin board exploded a bit last month and I've had a lot of time to think about it. Who we are and who we want to be. Liking who we are, being who we want to be and learning to be that.
Is a title an integral part of me that should change with me? I'm not getting purrmoted, I'm not changing jobs or becoming someone unrecognizable to my last title. It just doesn't seem to fit. Like some costume from the Capitol, it's doesn't change who I am but it changes how I'm seen? Or not. I keep running this in circles around my head. I keep justifying one way or another and it makes me awful just to contemplate it. I want to go back and strike out a bunch of things but I'll try to keep this mostly intact. Telling you the truth, telling you how I feel without trying to censor it, that's what makes this work right? You aren't here to notice me droop in a conversation or watch what I say on the board or anything. I have to be honest.
Maybe the problem really is that I don't know who I am anymore. If I'm not defined by the same things I once was, what does that make me?
I'm sending this with a pineapple which I'm sure you've realized already. Please don't eat any of the spiky bits.
Oh! I asked Zephyr about visiting the answer was a solid 'maybe???' but if we can't, at least I tried. I asked them to update me if something happened. <>
<><><>
Meulin
no subject
Date: 2017-01-11 04:48 am (UTC)1 US3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3 B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOUR H4TCHN4M3. 4ND B3C4US3 1 L1K3 YOU. <><><> BUT YOU M1GHT B3 R1GHT. 1 N3V3R R34LLY C4R3D FOR YOUR T1TL3 MUCH. 1 W4RM3D UP TO S1GNL3SS 4 L1TTL3, 4FT3R... Y34H. W3 W3R3 4SHM4T3S. BUT H3'S ST1LL 4N 1D1OT 4ND 1 4M FULLY 4LLOW3D TO S4Y TH4T NOW.
1 4M 4LSO FULLY 4LLOW3D TO TH1NK TH4T YOU D3S3ERV3 B3TT3R. BUT 1 4M GO1NG TO TH1NK TH4T R3G4RDL3SS OF WHO YOU L1K3. >:]
1 4M NOT R34LLY SUR3 1F 1 C4N 4DV1S3 ON N3W T1TL3S. 1 ST1LL DONT H4V3 ON3 MYS3LF. BUT 1 TH1NK 1 UND3RST4ND NOT F33L1NG L1K3... TH3 P3RSON YOU W3R3 B3FOR3? B3FOR3 P4N3M H4PP3N3D. W3 W3NT THROUGH 4 LOT OF TH1NGS TH3R3. 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD B3 POSS1BL3 TO ST1LL B3 TH3 S4M3 P3OPL3 NOW.
TH4T B31NG S41D, 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T T4K1NG 4 N3W T1TL3 WOULD B3 4N 1NSULT TO TH3M. YOUR3 NOT B31NG
PROMOT3DPURRMOT3D BUT YOU SHOULDNT L1V3 1N TH3 P4ST 31TH3R. 1 DONT TH1NK TH3Y WOULD W4NT YOU TO HOLD OUT FOR TH3M FOR3V3R. L1K3 WH4T YOU S41D B3FOR3 4BOUT B31NG 4 GOOD M3MORY 1NST34D OF 4 SC4R. TH3Y WOULDNT W4NT TO B3 4 SC4R ON YOU 31TH3R, WOULD TH3Y?1 HOP3 TH4T M4K3S S3NS3. YOU PROB4BLY KNOW MOR3 4BOUT TH1S TH4N 1 DO, BUT 1 4M ST1LL H3R3 TO T3LL YOU TH4T WH4T3V3R YOU W4NT TO DO SOUNDS GOOD TO M3. 4S LONG 4S 1T M4K3S YOU H4PPY. <>
1F YOUR3 ST1LL WORR13D 4BOUT 1T, TH3N M4YB3 YOU CAN F1ND 4 T1TL3 TH4T ST1LL HONORS TH3M 1N SOM3 W4Y? BUT 1 DONT TH1NK 1T 1S STR1CTLY N3C3SS4RY. 1 C4NT SP34K FOR TH3M, BUT 1F 1 COULD, 1 WOULD T3LL YOU TH4T TH3Y SHOULD 4LR34DY B3 PROUD OF YOU. 1 KNOW 1 4M. <><><>
TH4TS 4LL TH3 S4P YOU G3T FROM M3 FOR NOW. M4K3 SUR3 TO L3T M3 KNOW HOW 1T WORKS OUT. 1 N33D TO B3 UPD4T3D ON WH4T N4M3 TO PUT 1NS1D3 TH3 D14MONDS 1 DR4W. >:]
<> T3R3Z1
[At the end of the page, a large diamond has been drawn with "Terezi" and "Meulin" scribbled inside of it.]
no subject
Date: 2017-01-23 09:47 am (UTC)Remind me to send you some of the stuff from my trees when the snow ends
If it ends at the same time
I think I want to do it. Change it.
And I think I have some ideas for how to honor them anyways. Or at least honor what we did.
It makes sense to me at least.
And that's what matters, right?
I wanted to ask if you had any suggestions?
I want to at least know if you have any thoughts.
I'm getting stuck on things.
And I know some are taking three names.
And some people two and then some just take the title.
Like Xanthous.
Having three seems off to me when I've gone by one so long. But it seems like it might be right?
It's complicated.
I'm not even on Alternia anymore why must life continue to be complicated.
Also I'm cutting out the diamond and putting in on my wall <> So I have proof.
<><><> Meulin